Thursday, December 10, 2009

Most Played Albums On My iPod for 2009


I thought that since Christmas is only weeks away, that I would list the most played albums on my iPod this past year. I also got Eddy to link to all of them for me, so you guys can check them out. This way, you can add to your wish list if you hear something that you really like!


Alrighty, here they are (in no particular order, I might add):

1. IRM - Charlotte Gainsbourg
2. Only By The Night - Kings Of Leon
3. The Twilight Saga: New Moon Soundtrack - Various Artists
4. XX - The XX
5. The Wooden Arms - Patrick Watson
6. No Line On The Horizon - U2
7. Fantasies - Metric
8. Glee: The Music, Vol. 1 - Glee Cast (Vol. 2 is also good)
9. The Fame - Lady Gaga
10. Hook Me Up - The Veronicas
11. Coeur de Pirate - Coeur de Pirate
12. Oracular Spectacular - MGMT
13. Neon Bible - Arcade Fire
14. Our Love To Admire - Interpol
15. In This Light & On This Evening - Editors
16. Slow & Steady Seduction, Phase II - Anya Marina
17. Youth Novels - Lykke Li
18. Le Volume Du Vent - Karkwa
19. Day & Age - The Killers
20. La Histoire De Lola - Florence K

Anyone out there have some music picks that they'd like to share?

JB

Friday, December 4, 2009

5 Minutes To Share - Leave Your 2 Cents

My fellow bloggers, how are you guys? I miss you all and blogging very much. Unfortunately, with all of the Santa, Frosty the Snowman, and a multitude of other Christmas themed cakes and desserts calling my name, I've been bakery bound, and there doesn't seem to be any end in sight. 'Tis the season (God, help me, pretty please), as I'm sure you've all noticed, and do I have a story for all of you. One word - Panetone. More on that later though because I only have 3 of my 5 minutes to share left, and I need to put something out there before I go completely cuckoo.

You guys ready for this? Okay, here goes...

In the middle of my totally insane life, Cupid decided to pay me a visit. What I am trying to say is that I think that I've fallen in love. {exhale} Yeah, that's right, people, it seems that love has caught me totally off guard and I don't know what to do about it. At first I thought I was just a smitten kitten, but now.... Should I say something or just let it be what it is?

What do you say, peeps? Leave your 2 cents.

JB

Thursday, November 5, 2009

I Shoulda Been A Stripper

As most of you know, I haven't really been around the blogosphere for weeks now. If you're wondering why, the long and the short of it is that my life has been complete insanity, and I don't even know how I am still functioning at this point. I feel like my body could give out at any moment, but I don't have time for it to fail me because I have stuff to do. Speaking of which, last month, Court at Tangles Out selected me for the I Shoulda Been A Stripper Award, and I still haven't had a chance to post it here & pass it on to other bloggers, so I'm going to do that right now.

Guidelines:

a. post the award on your blog

- Check!

b. list 7 of your personality traits, as evidenced on your blog

1. Funny
2. Romantic
3. Stubborn
4. Sarcastic
5. Passionate
6. Hardworking
7. Quirky

c. pass the award on to 7 other bloggers with notable personality, and be sure to let them know that they've been selected

1. Chrissy - the woman who invented this award, or so I thought (I'm still waiting for my lap dance!)

2. Anna - my sexy Swedish lover (you so naughty!)

3. Rob - a guy who'd totally rock some tight leather shorts (just imagine Nana's reaction!)

4. Miss.Stefanie - a gal who's the perfect mix of naughty and nice (purrr!)

5. Lee - a woman who knows all about flashing (is it hot in here?)

6. Mr. C - a guy who knows how to please the ladies (I know you have a Chippendales tuxedo, so don't try to deny it. lol)

7. Travel & Dive Girl - an adventurous gal (have you been to any more sex shows?)

Well, that's it for now. I miss you all, my fellow bloggers. Group hug!!

JB

Monday, October 19, 2009

Seriously, Cadbury, WTF?

Hey everyone, this is Eddy sitting in for JB again. She's been crazy busy at work and way too tired at night to post anything, so she asked if I could please say hello and thank you to everyone who's been by to leave a comment since she was here last. She also wanted me to post the latest Cadbury commercial and the conversation that she and I had about it. Eddy: Have you seen that new commercial with the two possessed looking kids? WTF? JB: Yeah! It's like the Exorcist for chocolate!! Eddy: It's f-ing stupid. I can't change the channel fast enough when it comes on. JB: I've seen it like ten times and I still don't get it. It's freakin' creepy. Eddy: I can't stand it. The kids and the music together is enough to make me want to scratch my eyes out. JB: Hahaha!! Can you post it? I have to be at work really early again. Eddy: Yeah, OK. JB: I swear, it scares me. Eddy: I hate it. It's annoying. JB: It's f**king creepy.
Well, what do you guys have to say? Leave some feedback. :)

Until next time,
Eddy

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Glamour Gets Real

Hey everyone, this is Eddy sitting in for JB. I'm posting today because I want to share a photo that will appear in the November issue of Glamour magazine.

Far left: Crystal Renn, Amy Lemons, Ashley Graham, Kate Dillon, Anansa Sims and Jennie Runk. Bottom Center: Lizzie Miller. Photo: Matthias Vriens-McGrath

Who are those beautiful women pictured above? Well, first, I want to say kudos to Glamour magazine for printing a photo of what most women (JB and myself included) look like without their clothes on. As for those seven lovely ladies, they are some of the top plus-size models working in the fashion industry. Yes, I said plus-size. Apparently, any model above a size 6 is considered plus-size. WTF????

I think the fashion industry needs a serious reality check.

What do you guys think?

Until next time,
Eddy

Monday, September 28, 2009

Customer of the Week: Cross Dressing Santa

The other day, I was busy flat icing cakes, completely bored out of my freakin' mind, when Christmas came early… sort of. I was by myself at the time, so I had to keep one eye on what I was doing, and the other looking out for customers in need of assistance. At one point, I glanced up, and coming towards the counter was an elderly gentleman who looked a lot like Santa, at least from the neck up. From the neck down, he was wearing a white, billowy button down shirt with a black bra underneath (I kid you not, people, I could see the straps on his shoulders because the top buttons on his shirt were undone) & a full length floral skirt. He was also carrying a cloth purse. Holy sh*t, it's not just Santa, but cross dressing Santa, I thought to myself. And, if that wasn't weird enough, when he reached the counter, he called out 'hello' to me in a voice that sounded a lot like Alvin from Alvin in the Chipmunks. It took all I had too keep a straight face as I made my way over to see what he wanted.

Me: Hi, how can I help you?

CDS: I'm looking for the gluten free bread that you had on that table (points over his shoulder) last week.

Me: Gluten free… we had that???

CDS: (excitedly) Oh, yes, it's my fave!

Me: (did he just say, 'fave'?) Oh…

CDS: It has the name of a man and woman on it.

Me: (racking my brain) Hmm…

CDS: Are you new here?

Me: Yes

CDS: (twirling his hair and batting his lashes) You have a lovely smile.

Me: (OMG, is he flirting with me?) Oh… thanks.

CDS: Do you like making cakes?

Me: Not really. It's kind of boring and it hurts my arm a lot.

CDS: (giggly) But it looks like so much fun!

Me: (nothing, just a vision of CDS decorating cakes in his white shirt and floral skirt flashing through my mind)

CDS: So, do you have any of that bread left?

Me: Let me call the girl who works with me and see if she knows what you're looking for.

CDS: Sure, OK.

I quickly paged Power Ranger to come save me from CDS, and I wish I'd had a camera to capture the look on her face when she showed up because it was positively priceless. I'm talking Master Card commercial worthy priceless.

Pwr Rngr: (looking at me totally wide-eyed, as if to say, WTF??) Hi… what's up?

Me: (doing my best not to laugh) This gentleman is looking for gluten free bread with a man and woman's name on the bag.

Pwr Rngr: Um, yeah, it's been moved to aisle one, the commercial bread aisle.

CDS: (super happy) Ooo, thanks for your help. You're both lovely!

Off he went in search of his gluten free bread, his skirt & shirt flowing out behind him like he was floating away on a cloud.

Pwr Rngr: Holy crap, was he wearing a bra?

Me: H*ll yeah, and I think his boobs where bigger then mine!

Pwr Rngr: OMG, that was weird.

Me: No weirder then the stripper with her pimp.

Pwr Rngr: Oh, yeah. I forget about those two.

Me: Yeah, and what about the lady with the goatee that scared the sh*t out of Superstar a couple of days ago?

Pwr Rngr: Hahahaha!!

Yup, folks, we get all kinds.

JB

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Letters To My Bakery Customers

Well, folks, it's that time again. I'm feeling the need to vent, so here's my first set of Letters To My Bakery Customers.

Dear Oatmeal Raisin Cookie Guy,

What's your deal? No, seriously, wtf is wrong with you? On the blog post that I wrote about you, one of my fellow bloggers pointed out that there might be a medically documented reason your idiocy, but I don't agree. I think you're just a wack job who enjoys being a pain in my a** every freakin' week. Well, let me tell you something, pal, cookies may crumble, but you will not break me. In other words, there is no way in h*ll that I'm going to give in to your insanity and ignore store policy just so you can have your 'oatmeal raisin cookies only' fix. Nope, I might be really tired of decorating cakes all f**king day, but you will not be the reason I lose my job. Go find yourself a store that actually sells what you want, or I'm going to beat you senseless with a baguette, drag you over to my side of the bakery counter, and then put you in the oven to bake like your precious oatmeal raisin cookies!

Peace,
JB

Dear Carrot Muffin Lady,

I don't suppose Oatmeal Raisin Cookie Guy is your husband? If not, you two should get hitched and move to a land far, far away. I'm thinking Never Land. You know, where Peter Pan, Tinkerbell, and the Lost Boys live? Yeah, that would be the perfect place since you guys are never going to grow up. Seriously, you two are like spoiled brats who can't get their way. Well, like I told ORCG, I won't go against store policy just so you can have what you want, when you want it. We bake carrot muffins when we bake them, and that's that. It's not my fault that you always come in when there aren't any left. If you're that desperate to have some, come in every single day for a week, and you just might get lucky. Or, you could just get the h*ll over it because, if you don't, I'm going to stab you with the sharpest carrot I can find. Capice?

Peace,
JB

Dear Bread Biatch,

Have you ever heard of a word called 'please'? Have you, you botox binging freak? I mean, do you seriously think that shoving bread at me and rudely asking me to "slice it" is the way to go? Well, let me tell you something, you frozen face fiend, if you plan to come back to my counter, I suggest you sign up for lessons with Miss Manners first. Otherwise, the next time you ram a bread bag in my face, I'll ram it right back at you and take your freakin' eye out!

Peace,
JB
-----------------------------------------------------------

For more letters, check out:

Letters To My Customers

Letters To My Customers - Part 2

Letters To My Deli Customers

Letters To My Deli Customers - Part 2

Sunday, September 20, 2009

J'Adore Tien Blog

A few weeks ago, the lovely Alpha passed on the J'Adore Tien Blog (ie. I Love Your Blog) award to me, but I'm just now getting around to sharing the news. I swear, I start drafts, but finishing them can sometimes take a while because I'm just too bloody tired to write when I get home from work. There are some changes going on, however, that should make my life easier (fingers crossed) come the end of this month. I'll fill you guys in later, though, otherwise I'll never get to passing on the J'Adore Tien Blog award.

Rules (as far as I can tell):

1. Name the person who passed the award on to you & link back to his or her blog

- Thanks again to Alpha

2. Pass the award on to bloggers (you choose how many... I only picked 5 because I love a lot of blogs) who write blogs that you love

Shadow

Mr. Condescending

Cheryl

Chris

Mel

3. Display the award on your blog

Done!


JB

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Belated Birthday Post

Not too long ago, I had a birthday that I was planning to celebrate with a weekend getaway. Unfortunately, I couldn't get the time off work, so my roommate decided that we should invite some people over & have a party. What he didn't tell me was that there were going to be some surprise guests. They weren't strippers, if that's what you're thinking, just people that I hadn't seen or talked to in a long time. We had a really good mix of old and new friends gathered together, so it was an interesting evening. Well, at least from what from what my roommate and I managed to recall the following morning. He was majorly hungover, and I wasn't doing so hot myself. Now that I'm older, I don't have more than 2 or 3 beers every once and a while, so the 12 year old Scotch that I drank the night before was a whole lot harder on me than it used to be back when I used to party all the time.

Anyway, here are some highlights (lol, not so much) from my party:

- finding two pairs of men's tighty whities & a very large bra by my pool the next morning (clearly, some people got naked)

- falling off my bar stool as I tried to spin around to talk to the person behind me (note to self: the bar stools only spin around half way)

- taking my roommate down with me as I fell off my bar stool, yet managing not to spill a drop of the drink in my hand (I do magic tricks too!)

- three larger then life lesbians skinny dipping in my pool using their breasts as floating devices (like I said, some people got naked)

- the bunch of gay guys who screamed like school girls, and then quickly shielded their eyes when they saw the naked ladies in my pool (talk about a bunch of drama "queens")

- one of those guys yelling, "OH MY GOD, there are beavers in the pool!!" (clearly, he was the biggest "queen" on the scene)

- some guy, wearing nothing but his tighty whities, wandering around the house in a complete daze & muttering, "Where's the bathroom?" (I wonder if he ever found it)

- my roommate starting a bonfire at 2am and almost setting himself on fire in the process (note: don’t play with fire when you're extremely drunk)

- hearing my friend who helped me to bed say, "Hey, I didn't realize that you go commando under your jeans" (good thing that friend's not afraid of beavers)

JB

Friday, September 4, 2009

I'm A Superior Scribbler!

A few days ago, CatLadyLarew stopped by to say that she had something for me on her blog. What I found waiting there for me was the Superior Scribbler Award. I'm very flattered to be a recipient of this award because I never thought anyone would actually give a crap about what I had to say, and also because growing as a writer is really important to me. Thanks, CatLadyLarew, for your appreciation & support.

Now, as with all blog awards, there are rules to be followed, and they are:

1. Pass the award on to 5 deserving bloggy friends

I hereby award Anna, Maggie May, Anita, Cinner, and Travel & Dive Girl.

2. Name the person who passed the award on to you & link back to his or her blog

Thanks again to CatLadyLarew!

3. Display the award on your blog

Check!

4. Link to this post which explains how the award came to be & add your name to the Mr. Linky List at the end of that post.

I'm number 924.

I wonder who will be number 1000.

JB

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Beloved

Beloved,
In daylight,
Like a funeral pyre burning bright,
I am exposed for all to see

Tainted
Isolated
My soul
My blackened heart

I am a victim,
A wretched, twisted entity,
Crucified
By a legacy of lies

Beloved,
When darkness prevails,
Tears spill in vain
My pillow drowns

Agony
Bears vigil at my core
I am ravaged
I am torn

Night after night,
Whispering your name,
Small, silent breaths
Echoing...

Beloved
Beloved
Beloved
Beloved…

© 2009 JB. All rights reserved.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

The New Girl - Pan(ic) Attack

It's been a week now since the New Girl started working with us, and all I can say is she's really special. I mean it, this girl has to be one of the most special people I have ever met. She's also going to be the death of me. I thought it was going to be cakes, but this girl is killing me slowly with her specialness. On my first day working with her, she was assigned "the breakout" (i.e. prep work for the next days bake), and managed to injure herself before she even got started. I was going on my dinner break at the time, so that meant I was going to be leaving her alone (not a good idea, as I have learned) for a little while.

Me: I'm going to eat now. You should have a good start on the breakout by the time I get back.

New Girl: (looking at the breakout list) The breakout is really big. I mean, look at all of this bread. There are 4 or 5 kinds!

Me: Yeah, there’s a lot to do, but you should be able to finish it all by the time your shift is over.

New Girl: I actually don’t like doing it.

Me: (too bad, so sad) I know it's not exactly fun, but it has to be done.

New Girl: But I...

Me: (calm, JB, calm) I'll be back soon.

Before she could say another word, I turned away from her and took off for the lunchroom. When I got there, the night manager was seated at the table.

Night Mngr: Hi, JB, how's it going?

Me: Good, but what's with teenagers these days?

Night Mngr: Beats the sh*t out of me.

Me: (pulling out a chair to sit down) Man, that new girl is something else. She…

Suddenly, the store speaker crackled, and then we heard: Manager to the bakery, please. Manager to the bakery, please.

Night Mngr: (looking at me) Didn't you just leave there only two minutes ago?

Me: (f**king New Girl!!!!!!!!) I'll be right back.

Off I went to the bakery. When I walked in, there was the New Girl with a hand over her mouth.

Me: (God, what now?) You paged me?

New Girl: (sulking) Yeah, I'm bleeding.

Me: What? Where?

New Girl: My mouth. Look (pulling down her bottom lip to show me the inside), right here.

Me: (wtf, did she seriously call me back here for this?) How did you do that?

New Girl: I hit myself in the face with a pan.

Me: (WTF?) You what?? How?

New Girl: When I pulled the pan out, it slipped in my hand and hit me.

Me: (she hit herself with the pan... hahahahaa!!) OK, so you called me here because you bit your lip when you hit yourself?

New Girl: (totally serious) I need to file an accident report. I'm bleeding and the nerve in my tooth could die!

Me: (Holy God in Heaven, are you f**king kidding me??) You just bit your lip. You'll be OK.

New Girl: (pulling down her lip again) Look, JB, it's swollen.

Me: (it will be if I get my hands on you) Nah, it's not that bad.

New Girl: But…

Me: I'm going back to my dinner now. Finish the breakout (before I f**king grab that pan and beat you with it), and be careful.

Back in the lunchroom, I told the night manager all about New Girl's pan(ic) attack, and the poor woman just about choked on her meal because she was laughing so hard.

Me: I think this chick just might be the death of me.

Night Mngr: If she doesn't kill herself first. Hahahahaha!!!!

Me: Yeah, seriously.

I mean, better her than me, right?

JB

Friday, August 21, 2009

The New Girl

Last week a new guy and girl were hired to work in the bakery. This was good news because there's always a ton of stuff to do, and I'd been asking for more employees since I started my new position. The girl came in for training first, but I wasn't working because it was my day off. The next day, however, Power Ranger and Superstar (nicknames I gave two of the students who work with me) couldn't wait to tell me all about her the second I set foot inside the bakery.

PwrRngr: OMG, thank God you're back!!

Me: Why? You guys miss me?

PwrRngr: You won't believe what the new girl did yesterday?

Me: Please, do tell.

Superstar: No, really, you're not going to believe it.

Me: Just hurry up and tell me because I have a lot of cakes to make.

Superstar: Well, I was making flans & parfaits for you because Lazy McLazy (my manager's nickname because she literally does f**k all at work) wouldn't help us, and in walks the new girl.

Me: And?

Superstar: She saw the strawberries I was using to decorate the flans and she totally freaked out.

Me: What? Why?

Superstar: She said, "OMG, are those strawberries?? Can I have one??? I want to eat it on my break!!" I told her no, we're not allowed to eat the food, but she found herself a really big one and took it anyway.

Me: OK.

Superstar: Then, she put it on her head.

Me: Excuse me?

Superstar: She put it on her head.

Me: (WTF?) Are you two messing with me?

PwrRngr: No, she kept it on her head the whole time she was doing her work.

Me: (again, WTF?) How did she even get it to stay on her head?

PwrRngr: I don't know, but she did. I swear to God, JB! She stood in the corner singing to herself and packing cookies for over an hour with the strawberry on her head.

Me: (who does she think she is, Strawberry freakin' Shortcake?) Didn't anyone tell her to take it off her head?

Superstar: No, we wanted her to get in trouble. She's nuts.

Me: I see. So, is that all?

PwrRngr: No, after she finished with the cookies, she looked at both of us, did a pirouette, and then danced her way to the lunch room to eat her strawberry.

Me: (clearing my throat) A pirouette?

PwrRngr: Uh huh.

Superstar: I'm telling you, JB, she's nuts.

Me: (yup, so far, so nutty) Is she working today?

Superstar: No, thank God.

PwrRngr: Yeah, she scares me.

Me: OK, enough about the new girl, let's get to work.

The new guy better f**king be normal.

JB

Monday, August 17, 2009

OMG, I'm A Mess - Part Three

Some of you might remember reading OMG, I'm A Mess and OMG, I'm A Mess - Part Two. The question is, am I still a mess? Well, let's review.

I got rid of the poison in my life (aka my Ex). Good.

The restaurant closing was the right thing for everyone involved. Good.

I got a new job. Good.

I got promoted. Good.

Well, except for one thing... I HATE MAKING CAKES!!!!!!! I F**KING HATE IT!!!!!!!! HATE IT!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!

~sigh~

I thought I was working towards not being a mess, but I messed up. I mean, how the f**k did I get into cakes? I thought smelling like the deli was bad, but smelling like the bakery is worse. Really, you have no idea.

Oh, and did I mention that my manager hates me? Well, she does. I know she has problems of her own, but for f**k sakes, stop taking it out on me, already!!!!!!!!

Yup, just when I thought I was on the way to better things, I realize, OMG, I'm still a mess!

JB

Thursday, August 13, 2009

The Votes Are In

Just a quick note to let everyone know that I have reviewed the votes from my 1st Blogoversary post, and the story you guys really want me to write about is The Hair Down There. Why am I not surprised? lol Seriously, though, if all goes well, I should have the story posted by next Friday, so stay tuned.

JB

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

My 1st Blogoversary - I Made It!

A year ago today I was in a pretty bad place. I didn't think that I'd even be here to see another August 4th, and I sure as h*ll didn't know that I'd be celebrating a Blogoversary. I've come full circle, hit the wall & fell down a few times on the way, but I made it.

I have to thank Eddy, who got me started on my blogging journey in the first place, my parents & my sister, my roommate & friends, and all of my new friends & followers here in the blogosphere, for all of your love & support. You found me & you helped me heal. Thank you one & all.

As a treat, I'm letting all of you pick what you want me to write about next. Just leave a comment to let me know which of the following you want to read about most:

* She-Man - The Return

* The Hair Down There

* Mad Man (Really Mad!!)

* Sh*tty McSh*tty

* A Ground Hog With Sexy Legs

JB

Friday, July 31, 2009

Customer of the Week: Oatmeal Raisin Cookie Guy

Like most days in the bakery, I was busy decorating cakes last Saturday, and everything was going great. Well, at least until I happened to glance up to see the man from hell coming my way. I swear, this guy is the long lost cousin of Satan. He shows up pretty much every Saturday and walks straight into the bakery asking for oatmeal raisin cookies. Obviously, only employees are allowed in the bakery, and, more importantly, only employees wearing the proper headgear, aka a hairnet. They're so sexy, I think I might get one in every colour... NOT!

Anyway, in walks Oatmeal Raisin Cookie Guy (ORCG), and so begins our Saturday morning routine.

Me: Sir, I'm sorry, but you're not allowed back here.

ORCG: I want oatmeal raisin cookies, fresh, today only.

Me: Sir, please step around to the other side of the counter.

ORCG: (walking out of the bakery) OK, now you give me fresh oatmeal raisin cookies.

Me: (how about a slap upside the head?) As I told you before sir, we no longer pack oatmeal raisin cookies on their own. We only have the mixed family pack. You get two rows of oatmeal raisin & one row of chocolate chip.

ORCG: I want oatmeal raisin cookies from today.

Me: Sir, the cookies were made yesterday, so they are still quite fresh, but they only come packed with the chocolate chip cookies.

ORCG: So, you do not have oatmeal raisin cookies for me?

Me: (WTF, am I speaking Chinese or something?) Yes, we do, but not packed on their own, sir. Again, they only come in mixed family packs.

ORCG: (nothing, just staring at me)

Me: Sir?

ORCG: Why can't you open two family packs, and then put all of the oatmeal raisin cookies into one?

Me: (I wish I could so I could get you out of my face) I'm sorry, but we are not allowed to do that, sir. It's against store policy.

ORCG: Why? I'm still going to pay.

Me: I understand, sir, but we can't open a package once it has been sealed.

ORCG: (again, just staring at me)

Me: (nothing, just staring right back at him, and trying hard not to laugh because his face was going red, and I couldn't stop thinking about how crazy it was that a grown man was this adamant about having a pack of just oatmeal raisin cookies)

ORCG: (calmly, but looking like his head might explode) I want oatmeal raisin cookies... only.

Me: (OK, seriously, dude, you need help) I'm sorry, sir. You can always talk to the store director about this.

ORCG: I will!!

Don't I know it, I thought to myself, as he turned around and walked away in a big huff in search of the store director. Meanwhile, I went back to decorating the cake I'd been working on before he showed up.

I'm not sure how much time went by, but I was deep in the cake zone when I heard the store director say my name.

Director: Hey, JB.

Me: (walking up to the counter) Is everything OK?

Director: What the hell is with that guy is all I have to say.

Me: I know, seriously.

Director: I told him the policy on family pack cookies and he yelled at me.

Me: I tried to tell him too, but he won't listen. I swear he comes here every week just to see how far he can go before I snap, not because he really wants those damn cookies.

Director: He said he's going to another store.

Me: Oh, sure he is, but he'll be back. He told me once before that he's been coming here for years and that this is his store.

Director: (starting to walk away from the counter) God, help us all. I really need to go home and have a drink.

Yeah, and I need to get the f**k out of this business before I go postal, I thought to myself as I watched him head back to his office.

JB

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Drifting Thoughts

(Original post date: Saturday, August 9th, 2008)

I am filled with an emptiness that’s larger than an ocean blue across a vast horizon. Talking does not make me feel better. It only hurts more when the words don't come as easily as one may think. Talk, but nothing is coming out, only emptiness is left.

I can't express myself, can't find myself in this skin suit I'm wearing. I am only a shell of who I used to be. Where have I gone? Where do I begin to look for me?

Shall I light a fire so that I can find my way home? Shall I send out a message in a bottle? It's hard to describe to someone how you feel when you can't feel it yourself and the words have disappeared into the darkness of your mind.

Darkness is falling over my soul... the soul of a lost child, trapped in a grown woman’s body and who has never experienced childhood. I have absorbed the sins of my father and mother, and have been lost in their hell.

I want to escape this world, leave it for a beautiful paradise... fly up to the sky, release my chains into the wind, and be free... escape to that quiet place I so desire to find, where I can smell the scents of the earth all over my body and let it blanket me.

I would love to sleep and not wake... slumber deep into the night... drift into a place of limitless air, breathe warm breaths of heaven, and lie down in a pillow of fresh dew.

I have nothing left in me. I am being drained slowly day in and day out. Soon, I will be a shell of who I was, unrecognizable to me or you... nothing left but my hollow corpse of dried blood, cracked flesh, and broken bones.

What used to be has to end. Nothing is as it was. Let go and go forth without hesitation... love and be loved... stay strong and never look back.

I, you, we are only one, and one we will always be.

JB

Monday, July 20, 2009

Training Day: JB Meets CN

Did any of you ever watch the TV show Seinfeld? If yes, do you remember the Soup Nazi character? Well, did you know that there's also a Cake Nazi out there? Oh, yeah, my friends, I'm for real, and she's was the bane of my existence for weeks. You see, when I was training for my new position, she was the one cracking the spatula. I didn't have time to blog about her then, but I made notes in my journal during my breaks, so I'm ready to tell you all about her now.

Cake Nazi (aka CN) and I met on a Tuesday. I was ready to get started with my training, but definitely not ready for the woman who was about to arrive. She came in from the entrance behind me, so I had to turn around to greet her. When I did, there was this larger than life woman with a super straight bang that just about took out my eyes

Me: (Holy God in heaven, are you kidding me?) Uh, hi, I'm JB.

CN: (without a hint of politeness) Who are you?

Me: I'm JB, you're supposed to train me.

CN: Who are you?

Me: (how the h*ll can't she hear me when she's so close I can almost french kiss her?) I'm JB. I'm going to be training with you for the next 10 weeks. I was told you're the best.

CN: Great, just what I need, yet another untrained cake person. Who are you again?

Me: (what is this, some bizarre form of intimidation?) Like I said, I'm JB.

CN: Why are you on training in the first place?

Me: (is she dense?) I'm here because I can't make cakes.

CN: What? You've never worked in a bakery at all?

Me: No.

CN: This is a serious job. Can you flat ice, make roses on cakes, use the airgun, mix the icing? Can you do any of that?

Me: Flat ice??

CN: (looking at me with an evil glare) Go over there and grab the cupcakes... all three boxes... ice them, roll them, put the toys on them, and then go get a box of slabs and we'll flat ice for the rest of the day. And, JB, don't think I won't watch you.

Me: (nothing, just trying to register everything that she just said)

CN: Well, are you just going to stand there looking at me?

Me: Uh, no, I... cupcakes... I'm on it... them... going now... (holy crap, I'm training with a Cake Nazi!!)

CN: This is going to be more painful for you than it is for me, JB.

Me: (just don't sit on me, lady, please) I'll just go over there (the far side of the prep table), and start on those cupcakes.

Off I went to my little corner of the table and made freaking cupcakes for a good 4 hours. I swear I made 500 of them. Then, for the next 6 hours, I flat iced 16 1/4 slabs for birthday cakes. CN observed me all day, but didn't say a word. When it was time for me to head home, I said bye to her, but she didn't say anything back. These next 10 weeks are going to be some of the longest of my life, I thought to myself. The woman is going to try to break me down until I cry for mercy. Yeah, right!!! CN has no idea that I've spent practically my whole life working with my mother, and if my ma can't break me, no one can.

JB

Monday, July 13, 2009

What's Up With Pregnant Women & Parking Spots??

Today I'm going to share a story from back when I first started blogging. I was still in the restaurant biz then, and somehow I had more time to blog than I do now. Go figure.

(Original post date: Thursday, August 7th, 2008)

I really thought that today would be business as usual for me. I went to run some errands & do some other mundane stuff. Yup, pretty boring for a Thursday, until I decided to go to the grocery store to buy some soft drinks (that's pop or soda, for those of you wondering what the h*ll I'm talking about). They were on sale, so I bought ten cases (stop wondering who drinks ten cases of soft drinks... it's for work, not for me). OK, but I am getting ahead of myself, so let me back up to when we (my mom was with me) pulled into the grocery store parking lot. I saw that it wasn't busy, so I decided that I would park as close as I could to the door. The shorter the distance that I had to push two shopping carts full of heavy soft drink cases, the better is what I was thinking. Obviously, that wasn't my first time buying ten cases of soft drinks all at once, so that's how I knew it would take two carts to bring the cases out to the car.

Anyway, as I was saying, I wanted to park close by, so I decided to park in a spot meant for pregnant women, the third one from the end, just in case an expecting mom needed to be closer to the door than me. Better than taking a spot reserved for someone with a disability was my thought. I also made sure that the three designated spots on the other side of the lot where empty. I took the whole pregnant lady thing seriously, thinking CYA (cover your ass).

About 15 minutes later, I was in the checkout line with my ten cases of soft drinks, and I was greeted by a cashier, a young guy who looked like he just fell of a banana boat. Heck, even his t-shirt had bananas on it.

Cashier: (noticing my ten cases) Miss, it's only 3 cases per family.

Me: (as politely as possible) I'm actually buying some for 2 other families (just a wee white lie) who can't drive.

Cashier: Cool, dude

Me: Pardon, cool who?

Cashier: You, dude.

Me: (trying not to laugh) Listen, (do you see a bong hanging off of my purse, dude, I thought to myself) can you please ring this through? I'm in a rush.

Cashier: Sure, dude.

It was obvious that he didn't have two brain cells left to rub together, and thank God for checkout scanners because I don't think he could count to ten.

After I finished, I went ahead to the car while my mother was having her items rung up by the cashier. As I was loading the soft drink cases into the trunk, I heard the most annoying voice start chattering away. I looked up, and there was a pregnant woman holding a bag full of ice cream (it was on sale, 3 cartons for 5 bucks) waving a finger at me.

Pregnant Woman: You know this spot is reserved for pregnant women.

Me: (nothing, I just looked at her and her wagging finger)

Pregnant Woman: This spot is reserved for pregnant women.

Me: Yes, Mam, I heard you the first time.

Pregnant Woman: You are not pregnant.

Me: Did the ten cases of soft drinks give me away?

Needless to say, that remark didn't go over well.

Pregnant Woman: (yelling) You know, pregnant women need their parking spots too!

On and on she went. I felt like Charlie Brown listening to his teacher wah, wah, wah away at me.

Me: (interrupting her) Why are you yelling at me?

Pregnant Woman: Excuse me?

Me: (this is what you get for yelling, Miss Thing) Instead of giving me a lecture about parking, why don't you help me put my stuff in my car?

Pregnant Woman: (nothing, just totally stunned that I just said that to her)

Me: Look around you. All of the other spots designated for pregnant women are empty. You're yelling at me about parking here, but you parked your car in a regular spot beside those empty ones designated for pregnant women. Does that make any sense?

Obviously, it didn't matter if it made any sense because she got super pissed off, and proceeded to call me names in a voice that got increasingly shrill with each nasty word that came out of her mouth. Frankly, she should have saved her breath because I couldn't make out a damn that thing she was saying at that insanely high speed frequency to begin with. The whole thing was so unreal, it was hysterical, and I started laughing. Even after she got in her car, slammed the door, and took off, I was still laughing. Meanwhile, my mother had walked out of the grocery store just in time to hear the end of pregnant lady's little tirade & watch her zoom away.

Mother: What's going on, JB? Who's that lady that drive out of here like a crazy?

Me: She's pregnant, ma. She thinks I took her parking spot.

Mother: What you taking about? (pointing toward all the empty parking spaces) Look all the place she can park close by.

Me: I know, ma.

Mother: I think having baby making her go crazy.

Yeah, note to self, don't piss off a pregnant woman who just went to the grocery store to buy ice cream.

JB

Monday, July 6, 2009

Total Eclipse of the Heart... Literally

Hi everyone, this is Eddy sitting in for JB again. This time I have a video for all of you to check out. If you're eating or drinking right now, you might want to stop for the next five & a half minutes. I watched the video while I was enjoying my morning tea, and just about choked & spit it out all over my computer screen. Beware the "blind possessed choir boys" is all I'm going to say. : )


Until next time,
Eddy

Monday, June 29, 2009

Kreativ Blogger Award - Kool!!

By some miracle, I have made it back to the blogging world. I swear my promo training is killing me people, but more on that later because I still haven't posted my latest award, and I really need to because it was given to me weeks ago.

My thanks to Chrissy over at I Shoulda Been a Stripper (by the way, I'm ready for that lap dance when you are... lol) for the Kreativ Blogger Award. Chrissy, I'm honoured that you thought I deserved it, and I'm sorry that it took me so long to post it.

As a recipient, I need to nominate 7 bloggers for this awesome award, and then list 7 things that I love.

First up, my 7 nominees for the Kreativ Blogger Award:

1. Alana - After The Pole
2. Maggie May - Flux Capacitor
3. Aves Photo - A 365 Project: Photography in Image
4. Rachel - The Cake is a Lie
5. Marty - Dark Star Discovery
6. Luke - Bath Artist's Blog
7. LazyKing - Bored... Get Unbored

Next, 7 things that I love:

1. Jeans 'n Shoes
2. Starbucks
3. Tour de France 'n Lance Armstrong
4. Supermodels
5. Megan Fox 'n Olivia Wilde
6. Beer 'n Pizza
7. Vanity Fair

Well, there you have it, folks. Now, I'm off to tell my nominees that they've been awarded.

JB

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Moving On Up

I'm sure many of you have noticed that I haven't been around here all that much these last few weeks. It's not because I haven't wanted to be. I have tired, believe me. I've just been too exhausted to write thanks to the madness that is currently my life. You see, yours truly is going to be assistant bakery manager. Yes, I'm moving on up, and it's been absolute h*ll trying to get there. I wanted to tell you guys all about it when I first found out, but I have never worked this hard or this many hours in my life, and it's left me with very little time & energy for blogging. I was actually supposed to have two days off for each five days of training, but I've been pulling some deli shifts as well because they are super busy & still haven't hired someone to take my place.

Anyway, I have to say that I am excited about my new position, but I'm going to miss the deli. At least I knew what I was doing there. You're probably thinking that if I can cook, I can bake, but you're wrong. My mother & sister did all the baking stuff for the restaurant because I just didn't have a knack for it at all. You see, baking is fairly exact, whereas you can cheat on ingredients when it comes to cooking. Lucky for me (more like lucky for my customers), someone else is doing the actual baking. I'll just be holding down the fort, as well as building & decorating cakes. The woman who's training me really knows her stuff, but I'll tell you more about her & what I'm learning another time. Instead, I'm going to share the lovely conversation that I had with my mother when I told her about my promotion.

Me: Hey, Ma!

Mother: Hello, who's a speaking?

Me: Ma, it's me.

Mother: Me who?

Me: It's JB, Ma. What's wrong, you don't recognize my voice today?

Mother: Please, no start already. I just get the phone and you start. What you want?

Me: (I'm fine, Ma, thanks for asking, and you? Geez!) I got a promotion at work. I start training next week. I’m so happy!

Mother: You get more money, or you just stand around talking to customers and no working like I know you do?

Me: Ma, you know I work really hard. And, yes, I get more money.

Mother: Ya, right! I see you in action, all funny, making people laugh. You a good girl, but sometime you talk too much at work. I no forget you know.

Me: (and you'll never let me forget either) Ma, listen, you want to know what I'll be doing?

Mother: OK, tell me.

Me: I'm the new assistant bakery manager!

All of a sudden, I hear bang, clang, shabang on the other end of the line, and then crazy hysterical laughing. My mother had dropped the phone & was killing herself laughing at me. Not that I don't love it when she laughs, but I just told her I got promoted, for Pete sake.

Me: Ma, hello? Are you OK?

Mother: Oh my God, JB! You crazy! Remember when we made biscotti and cream puffs at the restaurant? What you do, remember??

Me: Uhh....

Mother: I give you the recipe and you tell me no worry, you can do it.

Me: Yeah... where are you going with this?

Mother: You no remember?

Me: (racking my brain) Not really....

Mother: Come on, you know.

Me: (still thinking...)

Mother: What you use that day... two times... the same mistake?

Me: Ohhhhh, now I remember... the baking powder.

Mother: Yes, baking powder, but what you use?

Me: I used baking soda.

Mother: Why?

Me: (make me feel like an idiot, why don't ya) Because I thought it was the same thing.

Again I hear crazy laughing on her end of the line. She was really enjoying herself at my expense.

Mother: My baby, she going to bake!

Me: No, someone else...

Mother: You know, JB, I love you and I think you can be great manager, but baking not for you.

Me: Someone else is doing the baking, Ma. I just have to follow the book that shows you how to do the decorating. There are pictures and instructions for each cake.

Mother: (nothing, she just starts laughing her a** off again)

Me: Ma, will you stop laughing at me already?

Mother: You read a book and look at pictures? You people crazy!

Me: Ma, do you have any idea how many kinds of cakes there are?

Mother: (totally ignoring what I just said) You tell your sister yet?

Me: No, not yet.

Mother: Why? You scared because she used to work in bakery? She going to cry for you when she find out you bake with a picture book.

Me: Ma, I told you I'm not baking anything.

Mother: I'm so proud of you.

Me: Really? I never would have guessed from all of your hysterical laughing.

Mother: You have to tell your sister. Maybe you bake us cake sometime, eh?

Me: (my mother, the comedian) Ma, stop it!

Mother: Why, you can bake for us, no?

Me: I'm hanging up now, Ma. Bye...

Mother: (nothing, just more laughing)


JB

Monday, June 8, 2009

Fun With Pictures

Hi everyone, this is Eddy sitting in for JB. She was supposed to have two days off in which she was planning to catch up on her blogging, but that didn't happen, so she asked me if I could please write a guest post today. Well, I don't really have anything all that entertaining to share, so what I've decided to do is actually make today's post fun & interactive. Actually, this is an idea that JB and I have talked about before, but we never did get around to it, so this is going to be a nice surprise for her when she checks in tonight.

As you can see, I have posted a photo of three seniors in conversation. Now, I invite all of you to leave a comment telling JB and I what you think those three are talking about. In other words, write a line of dialogue for each person.

Can't wait to read what you guys come up with!

Until next time,
Eddy

Monday, June 1, 2009

Trimming The Bush

I can't believe it's already June 1st. Where the heck did May go in such a hurry? I swear, time just zooms by faster & faster the older I get. Anyhooo....

As you may have noticed, I'm featuring LazyKing's blog this week, and it's thanks to him that I have this video to share with all of you. Before you click play, I strongly suggest not eating or drinking anything while watching this video. It's really funny, and I don't want any of you choking to death on me. :)

Ready? OK, enjoy!


Remember guys, do not attempt trimming the bush without a Gillette Fusion Power razor & some common sense. lol Way to sell your products, Gillette! Seriously, though, I give them props for having the balls (no pun intended... ya, right, am who am I kidding? lol) to put this 'how to' video out there.

JB

Monday, May 25, 2009

Tagged! - 50 Random Questions

I never thought I'd actually start a tag, but Eddy sent me this, and so I'm going to fill it out & pass it on.

Tag rules for 50 Random Questions:

1. Name & link back to the person who tagged you
(since I am starting the tag, that's me & you're already here, so no link necessary)

2. Answer & post the 50 random questions on your blog (see below)

3. Tag some bloggers to play along by naming them at the end of your post & by leaving them a comment on their blog letting them know that they have been selected to answer 50 Random Question

(I picked ten people, but feel free to pick however many people you want)


OK, here are my answers...

1. Where were you 3 hours ago?
In bed

2. Who are you in love with?
Um... Penelope Cruz

3. Have you ever eaten a crayon?
Yes... I like the red ones

4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
Yes... a t-shirt

5. When is the last time you went to the mall?
A month ago... too damn busy at work to go to the mall

6. Are you wearing socks right now?
No

7. Do you have a car worth over $2,000?
Yes

8. When was the last time you drove out of town?
Last year

9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
No, but I really want to go see Angels & Demons

10. Are you hot?
Of course I'm hot! What kind of question is that?

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?
Tea

12. What are you wearing right now?
Underwear

13. Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?
Neither, I let the rain do it

14. Last food that you ate?
Pizza

15. Where were you last week at this time?
Work

16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
No... too damn busy at work to go shopping, remember?

17. When is the last time you ran?
Umm... when I was trying to get away from the bunnies

18. What's the last sporting event you watched?
Tour of Italy (cycling... Lance Armstrong)

19. What is your favorite animal?
Cat... meow

20. Your dream vacation?
Paris, France

21. Last person's house you were in?
My mother's

22. Worst injury you've ever had?
Hands down my lickty split, banana slip

23. Have you been in love?
Does with the spawn of Satan count?

24. Do you miss anyone right now?
Yeah, of course... doesn't everybody miss somebody?

25. Last play you saw?
A Midsummer Night's Dream

26. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
I don't need a weapon... I am the weapon

27. What are your plans for tonight?
Depends on how tired I am

28. Who is the last person you sent a MySpace message or comment?
A band that asked me to check out their tunes

29. Next trip you are going to take?
I can't say for sure, but I want to go to Montreal

30. Ever go to camp?
Camp like band camp? Nope

31. Were you an honor roll student in school?
H*ll no

32. What do you want to know about the future?
Nothing... I like to live in the now

33. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?
Yes... Prada

34. Are you due sometime this year for a doctor's visit?
Yes... got to get my head scanned again... lickty split, banana slip, remember?

35. Where is your best friend?
Currently sitting outside with his clay mask on, beautifying himself

36. How is your best friend?
Soon to be pretty, sometimes witty, but mostly gay

37. Do you have a tan?
Nope, I'm currently as white as Casper, but that will change as soon as I get some time to go cycling

38. What are you listening to right now?
Franz Ferdinand " Tonight" & the Soundtrack to "Angels & Demons"

39. Do you collect anything?
Music & Movies

40. Who is the biggest gossiper you know?
My sister

41. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?
A few weeks ago... I was in a hurry & had to make a call

42. Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?
I hate straws

43. What does your last text message say?
'She's as dumb as a post'

44. Do you like hot sauce?
Only on women

45. Last time you took a shower?
Alone or with somebody?

46. Do you need to do laundry?
Damn right... I got six piles on my floor

47. What is your heritage?
Italiano

48. Are you someone's best friend?
Yeah, I'm the best friend of the soon to be pretty, sometimes witty, but mostly gay guy who's currently sitting outside with his clay mask on beautifying himself, remember?

49. Are you rich?
Only in soul, baby, only in soul

50. What were you doing at 12am last night?
I was in bed, dreaming of cookies...


Tag, you're it:

* Anna
* Liz
* Jammmie
* Katie Leigh
* Roberto
* Rita
* Expat From Hell
* Miss Stefanie
* LazyKing
* Cinner

I'll be coming around to see what your answers are, so don't disappoint me. lol

No pressure, right? :)

JB

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

In The Closet

Back in December, I had this heated conversation with my Ex that I was going to blog about, but I never did. I wrote the draft & Eddy looked it over for me, but it was never published because I finally decided that I was done with her. Anyway, when I decided to feature Stephanie's blog this week, I remembered that I still had the post saved in my drafts, and thought that I'd post it now. You'll have to go over to Stephanie's blog to really understand why.

OK, about the conversation. Well, it was rather long, so I'm going to sum things up for you by saying that it all came about based on something that my Ex told me towards the end of last Summer. Basically, she said that I just have to deal with who she is now. I know what you're thinking because it's what I was thinking, i.e. exactly who is she now? So, I asked her to explain herself…

Me: OK, wtf are you trying to tell me? Spit it out.

My Ex: You don't understand what's happened to me.

Me: Oh, I'm sorry. Where have I been all these years, in the closet?

My Ex: What closet? What do you mean?

Me: This is going right over your head, isn't?

My Ex: (in a screeching voice) I’m straight now! I'm straight now – that's it!

Me: (totally laughing my a** off, thinking she's so far back in the closet, she can see Narnia)

My Ex: Stop laughing at me. Stop it!

Me: Please, you're not straight and never have been. It's time you accept that you’re bi.

My Ex: Stop it, JB, you don't understand me.

Me: (laughing) Stop lying to yourself. You're bi and that’s it. When you come to terms with your sexuality maybe then you'll stop yelling at me about who you really are.

My Ex: This was hard for me.

Me: What? F**king your guy friend because you couldn't leave your little nest to f**k a real man?

My Ex: Stop it! I don't want to hear this.

Me: Oh, that's it, huh? I can only say what you want to hear?

My Ex: Stop.

Me: Let me tell you something, screwing your guy friend doesn't make you straight.

My Ex: Please, I know what I did.

Me: OK, you're straight now, but for 14 years you were not straight, not bi, not anything?

My Ex: I’m sorry.

Me: Oh, yeah? OK, go be straight with your dirty, pot smoking, little boy.

There you have it, people. My Ex claims that she’s straight now. Oh, yeah? Well, just to make sure that I wasn't in my own little world with regards to how things went down, I called my therapist for another point-of-view. Turns out what I had to say did make sense, so that’s a relief. My therapist said that if my Ex has to justify her sexual orientation with me, it's a clear indication that she's confused. Furthermore, for her to spend 14 years with a woman and then suddenly claim to be straight is a lie. She's bi-sexual and simply can't deal with her sexuality.

Yes, my thoughts exactly.

JB

Friday, May 15, 2009

I Dream of Deli

I don't know about you guys, but I've been having some major a** kicking weeks at work ever since the weather has warmed up. People keep coming in droves like we're the only deli in the city. I'm soooooooo freakin' tired, I want to cry. Wahhhhhh!! Seriously, I almost fell asleep driving home from my mom's the other night. I had gone to have dinner with her after work & could barely keep my eyes open driving back to my place. When I finally did get in the door, I went straight to bed (screw showering, I thought to myself, it could wait until morning), and pretty much passed out the second my head hit the pillow.

Now, ideally, sleeping straight though to the next morning would have been awesome, but my mind just had to make its usual detour through dreamland where anything bizarre can, and usually does, happen to me. The good news is that that there were no bunnies in sight this time around. Whew! Not so good, however, was the fact that I... umm (if you guys don't already think I'm nuts, you're all going to think that I'm totally crazy now) ...was lying totally naked inside the deli counter that I so beautifully organized earlier that day. Yup, I had my head leaning up against a block of mock chicken & a variety of other meats were strategically placed on or around certain parts of my body. Go ahead and consult your imaginations for visuals, I'll wait.

********** Done? OK, good. Hope you enjoyed yourselves. **********

So, there I was... naked... and the deli was packed with people ordering cold cuts like they were going out of style. Every time one of the clerks would slide open the counter doors, I would hand them whatever meats they needed. At one point, Lucky (one of my co-workers) opened the doors to ask if I was cold. You'd think I'd be freezing my a** (among other things) off, but I actually told him that I was fine. So, he quietly slid the doors shut and went back to slicing meat as though what I was doing was totally normal. The customers & I weren't phased either. They just smiled & waved at me as they waited to be served, and I just smiled & waved back like it was all in a days work.

The dream went on like that for quite some time & all was well. Nobody cared that I was lying naked as a newborn inside the deli counter. Nope, nobody, including me. Well, at least until I did. All I can say is that I started feeling really uncomfortable, but I didn't know why. I looked around and nothing appeared to be wrong. Everyone was still smiling & happy as far as I could see, but I just kept feeling like something wasn't right. All of a sudden, my mind presented me with a vision & it wasn't pretty. What I saw was She-Man approaching the deli counter (cue scary Jaws music), and I knew I had to get the h*ll out of there before she/he showed up, stripped off her/his clothes, and jumped in with me. It was in that moment of total panic that I woke up, and thank God for that because I don't think that I could ever erase the sight of She-Man naked from my mind. No, that is one picture that I never ever want to have burned into my memory, thank you very much.

JB

Monday, May 11, 2009

Paying It Forward

As most of you know, I had a dream that I'm supposed to help my co-worker, Jade. Well, what you don't know is that since then I have in fact been trying my best to connect with her. Of course, the thing about helping people is that, in the end, they need to want to help themselves. So, no matter what I say or do, nothing is going to change for Jade until she's ready, and that could take a while. You see, Jade might only be 24 years old, but she hasn't had it easy. Her past relationships have all been abusive & she used drugs to numb her mental, physical and emotional pain. Needless to say, life was awfully messy for Jade, and might still be today had she not given birth to a son three years ago. Now, he gets her through each day, but that doesn't change the fact that Jade’s still hurting. So, while the experiences that caused us pain might be different, pain is still pain, i.e. it hurts no matter where it comes from, and I believe that's where Jade and I will finally come to an understanding. This is why I'm not giving up on her, even though she says she doesn't like me & throws her guard up at every turn. No, I'm going to keep paying forward the support, understanding, encouragement & so much more that was offered to me when I needed it most, and I’m going to help her realize that she is an exceptional woman who hasn't even started scraping the surface of her potential. Somehow, I'm going to get through to her, and she will finally see that there are people in this world with hearts larger then she's ever known.

JB

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day!

In honour of Mother's Day, I thought I'd post this funny little ditty that always resurfaces via e-mail around this time of year.

Things My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."


2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"


4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that’s why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going
to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on. Don’t you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You’re just like your father."

23 My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you’ll understand."

25. My mother taught me JUSTICE.
"One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

To all you mom's out there, I salute you!

JB

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Letters To My Deli Customers - Part 2

Dear 'Allergic To MSG' Customer,

I think you're under the impression that I'm an allergy specialist masquerading as a deli clerk because only you come in every week asking me questions about what you can and can't eat. Is there MSG in Brie? Like I told you before, no, there isn't. What about in Camembert? For the love of God, lady, no! But, I can't eat Parmesan. Yeah, I know, you told me 50 times. So, there's no MSG in Brie or Camembert? NOOOOOO, damn, it, NO!!! I mean, exactly where do you think we get our Brie & Camembert from, The Golden Dragon Restaurant down the street?? Please, lady, do me a favour and educate yourself about food, so you can stop being such a pain in my a**, OK? Or, better yet, JUST STAY THE H*LL AWAY FROM ME!!

Thanks,
JB

Dear 'Metric Conversion Challenged' Customer,

Why can't you get it through your damn head that 100 grams and 1 pound do not weigh the same thing? Seriously, every bloody time you come in I have to tell you. Are you that freakin' dense? For the love of God, pal, use Google to get a clue, or ask someone smarter than you to explain the difference in itty bitty baby steps until it's permanently seared into your memory. Then, as I told 'Numerically Challenged' customer, DO THE F**KING MATH BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE, PLEASE!!!

Thanks,
JB

Dear 'Never Know What You Want' Customer,

Why the h*ll can't you make a grocery list before you leave the house? If you don’t know what you want when your turn comes up at the counter, please let the next person go ahead of you, instead of hemming and hawing about how you don't know what to get your kids, or your husband, or whether you want salami or chicken, or blah, blah, blah. CAN'T YOU SEE THAT YOU'RE HOLDING UP THE LINE AND PEOPLE ARE GETTING MAD???!!! Do you have any idea what it's like after you leave and I have to deal with those people that you pissed off? Believe me, it’s not pretty. So, either you start figuring out what you want before you show up, or STAY HOME!!!!!!!

Thanks,
JB

Monday, May 4, 2009

Get A Room!

The other day, I was over at Rob's blog reading his post about a couple caught having sex in a dumpster, and it reminded me of a similar story involving my mother. Get your heads out of the gutter, people. My mother is not a dumpster diver (at least as far as I know), but... Well, let me start at the beginning.

One night at the restaurant (FYI - if you're new here, my family used to be in the restaurant biz), this couple came in and we knew right away that they were the touchy-feely kind. This meant that they would be there all night because they'd be far too busy pawing at each to concentrate on anything else. How they managed to get through dinner without sitting on each others laps is still beyond me. Seriously, they were two bj's short of a porno & we thought they would never leave. Anyway... after four hours of petting, stroking, tonguing, and God knows what else (it's not like we could see under the table with the tablecloth draped over it), they finally asked for the bill & paid. Other than my mother who was going to do some prep work before calling it a night, the rest of us were ready to go home, so we headed out thinking that the lovers would soon follow suit. Well, the next day my sister and I arrived at work to find out that we were mistaken.

Mother: I have something to tell you.

My sister and I looked at each other with our 'Uh oh, we're in sh*t for something' faces and prepared for the worst.

Mother: You know the lovers that were here last night?

Me: Yeah.

Mother: Well, those lovers were really in love after you guys went home.

Me: (looking at my sister wide-eyed, then back at my mother) O... K...

Mother: I go to the door with them when they leave. I say thank you, good night, see you soon, and then I lock up.

Sister: OK.

Mother: Then, I go back in the kitchen to do my prep work.

Me: Yeah...

Mother: Before I finish, I think I need to go take out the garbage because you guys forgot.

Me: OK, and then what?

Mother: Oh, the lovers, they in love very much. Too much for me to handle.

Sister: Ma, you're killing me. Come on.

Mother: So, I go outside with the garbage, pulling the can because it's too heavy for me to carry. I making a lot of noise too. You think someone would hear me.

Me: And???

Mother: I see beside the garbage (she means the dumpster) that someone left their car. Maybe they take a taxi home, you know.

Sister: AND???!!!!!!!

Mother: I see white.

Me: White what??

Mother: I see a naked culo (that's slang for 'ass' for all of you who don't know Italian).

Sister: WHAT?

Mother: And then I see another one.

Me: WHAT??

Mother: They having sex beside the garbage.

Sister: WHAT???!!!!!!!!

Me: On the ground????

Mother: Yes, and I ask them what's a matter with them and why they do this outside.

Me: OMG!

Mother: And I ask them why they don't go in the car if they don't go home. They say they very sorry and that they going to leave. I tell them they better go because I call the police.

Sister: Holy sh*t , ma!

Mother: I no understand these people. What happened to the bed... the old fashioned way?

Me: (taking the opportunity to tease her) Oh, ma, you're so old school. Did you and Daddy make me in the bed?

Mother: (totally serious) That's not your business!

Me: So, did you see it (don't make me spell out what it is, people)?

Sister: (grinning) Yeah, ma, did you?

Me: (watching my mother blush & turn away from us towards the stove) You did! OMG, you did!!!

Mother: OK, enough, go back to work.

Sister: (laughing & teasing) No, not until you tell us if you saw it or not.

Mother: No, that's enough, I say. Get to work.

All day long we teased her. LOL The poor woman. Seriously, though, what the h*ll is wrong with some people? Sex in a dumpster... beside a dumpster? For the love of God, folks, get a room!!!! If you can't get one, beg, steal or borrow one, please!!!

JB

Friday, May 1, 2009

Tagged! - (Un)important Things

I can't believe it's already Friday, can you? This week went by in flash.

Anyway, turns out I'm 'it' in a game of (Un)important Things tag, so I better get going.

The rules are as easy as A-B-C:

A. Name & link back to the person who tagged you

B. List six (un)important things that make you happy

C. Tag six bloggers & let them know they're it by leaving them a comment

I was tagged by Libertine (aka Magdalena) over at The Untamed Thoughts on Autism. She's the lovely lady who awarded me the Neno's award last week. Thanks again for the honour!

Six (un)important things that make me happy are:

1. Espresso coffee
2. Bike rides
3. My fellow bloggers
4. Milk moustaches
5. Poetry
6. Art galleries

Tag, you're it...

Anna - A Storm in a Wine Glass

Jerry - I Know What I'm Doing

Rica - Embrace the Laughter

Chris - Maugeritaville

Michel - Facts Are Strictly Optional

Lorenzo - Crowned With Laurels


Have fun!

JB

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Down The Rabbit Hole... Again

Remember when I told you guys about that dream I had about bunnies that wanted me to join their clan? Well, I don't know if it's because I'm sleep deprived due to the woodpecker (aka Paul the Pecker), or because I'm overworked, or if I'm just going nuts, but the leader bunny came back for a visit the other night. This time, the dream started out with me sitting in an office filled with potted carrot plants. I was looking around, trying to figure out what the h*ll I was doing there, when I heard the office door open. I turned to look at who was there, and in came the big, fluffy leader bunny.

Leader: Hi JB, welcome back.

Me: Holy sh*t! Not again!

Leader: Why are you so surprised that you're here again?

Me: (this is not happening, this is not happening, this is not happening...)

Leader: I know what you're thinking. You want to know why you are here, instead of in our den or on the beach.

Me: (no, I'm thinking...) Mommy!!!!!!!

Leader: Your mommy can't help you, JB.

Me: Mommy, hello!!!

Leader: JB, don't be scared. You're here for a reason. Do you want to know?

Me: This is nuts. Please, someone, helllllooooooo!!! Crazy bunny at 3 o'clock!!!

Leader: Wise cracks, JB, that's just like you.

Me: (nothing... just staring back)

Leader: You are on the right path now. You finally did what you needed to do.

Me: What path? What did I do?

Leader: You got rid of the last obstacle that was standing in the way to your new life.

OK, people, now this is where things get really freaky. For some reason, something about the way the bunny was looking at me was making me look even deeper into its eyes. Suddenly, I realized that the bunny was a woman... a woman named Beena. We work together at the deli. She is Muslim and is always telling me how much faith I have. According to her, I'm on the right track & she knows this because she can see right through me. She says that she can feel my strength & that I am her soldier of truth and love. She also says that I have changed all the people who work at the deli.

Me: Uh... Beena?

Leader/Beena: Yes, JB.

JB: Really? Beena, it's you?

Leader/Beena: Yes. I told you people come into your life for a reason, JB. I am your guide. Are you starting to see it now? Have you opened your mind to the possibility that you're exactly where you're supposed to be?

Me: But in the first dream, I hadn't even met you yet. What about your clan?

Leader/Beena: Like you, they are just others who have found their way. Your purpose now is to help Jade (another woman who works with me). It's why we're both where we are.

Me: Jade? Why her?

Leader/Beena: Because, JB, she needs you more then you can imagine. It's your purpose. Do not sway from it because it will get you to the next step in your journey.

Me: But she hates me. She told me I'm egotistical, and selfish, and...

Leader/Beena: No, she doesn't mean those words. What she really wants is to be like you.

Me: Are you really sure I'm supposed to help her?

Leader/Beena: Yes.

Me: Hmm.... You know, you look really weird as a bunny.

Leader/Beena: Yes, but we can't help how we are revealed to one another.

We didn't say anything after that. I just kept looking at her and she kept looking back at me, and then I was awake. I'm freakin' losing it, I thought to myself as I lay there in the dark. Beena the bunny says Jade the hater needs my help. This should be interesting. How do you help someone who's flat out told you that they don't like you?

JB

Friday, April 24, 2009

To Kill A Woodpecker - One Week Later

I can't believe it, but it's already been a week since I first told you about the woodpecker that's been rudely interrupting my sleep. Thanks to my roommate convincing me that the freakin' bird would find a mate soon, I haven't taken matters into my own hands... yet. Instead, I've given the little sh*t a name, Paul the Pecker. Every morning at about 4:43am, Paul makes his way to the drain pipe outside my window and starts pecking away. Bang, bang, bang, bang... The sound rebounds through the walls & into my head. Bang, bang, bang, bang... GOD, HELP ME!!! I'm serious people. If you don't believe me, check out this quick video my roommate made of Paul doing his thing.

video

You see what I have to put up with? Well, that's not all. No, when Paul's done beating his love drum, he starts making these throaty kind of noises that make him sound like the ghost character in The Grudge movie. Can you say 'creepy'?? If I was a female woodpecker, there's no way in h*ll I'd go anywhere near him when he's doing that -- no way. He seriously needs to switch up his game because his current mating technique just isn't working. Maybe he needs to stop drumming. Yeah, I think he needs to start plucking away at the hydro lines or something. I'm pretty sure that women think guitarists are hotter than drummers. Am I right, ladies?

JB

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