Thursday, August 27, 2009

The New Girl - Pan(ic) Attack

It's been a week now since the New Girl started working with us, and all I can say is she's really special. I mean it, this girl has to be one of the most special people I have ever met. She's also going to be the death of me. I thought it was going to be cakes, but this girl is killing me slowly with her specialness. On my first day working with her, she was assigned "the breakout" (i.e. prep work for the next days bake), and managed to injure herself before she even got started. I was going on my dinner break at the time, so that meant I was going to be leaving her alone (not a good idea, as I have learned) for a little while.

Me: I'm going to eat now. You should have a good start on the breakout by the time I get back.

New Girl: (looking at the breakout list) The breakout is really big. I mean, look at all of this bread. There are 4 or 5 kinds!

Me: Yeah, there’s a lot to do, but you should be able to finish it all by the time your shift is over.

New Girl: I actually don’t like doing it.

Me: (too bad, so sad) I know it's not exactly fun, but it has to be done.

New Girl: But I...

Me: (calm, JB, calm) I'll be back soon.

Before she could say another word, I turned away from her and took off for the lunchroom. When I got there, the night manager was seated at the table.

Night Mngr: Hi, JB, how's it going?

Me: Good, but what's with teenagers these days?

Night Mngr: Beats the sh*t out of me.

Me: (pulling out a chair to sit down) Man, that new girl is something else. She…

Suddenly, the store speaker crackled, and then we heard: Manager to the bakery, please. Manager to the bakery, please.

Night Mngr: (looking at me) Didn't you just leave there only two minutes ago?

Me: (f**king New Girl!!!!!!!!) I'll be right back.

Off I went to the bakery. When I walked in, there was the New Girl with a hand over her mouth.

Me: (God, what now?) You paged me?

New Girl: (sulking) Yeah, I'm bleeding.

Me: What? Where?

New Girl: My mouth. Look (pulling down her bottom lip to show me the inside), right here.

Me: (wtf, did she seriously call me back here for this?) How did you do that?

New Girl: I hit myself in the face with a pan.

Me: (WTF?) You what?? How?

New Girl: When I pulled the pan out, it slipped in my hand and hit me.

Me: (she hit herself with the pan... hahahahaa!!) OK, so you called me here because you bit your lip when you hit yourself?

New Girl: (totally serious) I need to file an accident report. I'm bleeding and the nerve in my tooth could die!

Me: (Holy God in Heaven, are you f**king kidding me??) You just bit your lip. You'll be OK.

New Girl: (pulling down her lip again) Look, JB, it's swollen.

Me: (it will be if I get my hands on you) Nah, it's not that bad.

New Girl: But…

Me: I'm going back to my dinner now. Finish the breakout (before I f**king grab that pan and beat you with it), and be careful.

Back in the lunchroom, I told the night manager all about New Girl's pan(ic) attack, and the poor woman just about choked on her meal because she was laughing so hard.

Me: I think this chick just might be the death of me.

Night Mngr: If she doesn't kill herself first. Hahahahaha!!!!

Me: Yeah, seriously.

I mean, better her than me, right?


Friday, August 21, 2009

The New Girl

Last week a new guy and girl were hired to work in the bakery. This was good news because there's always a ton of stuff to do, and I'd been asking for more employees since I started my new position. The girl came in for training first, but I wasn't working because it was my day off. The next day, however, Power Ranger and Superstar (nicknames I gave two of the students who work with me) couldn't wait to tell me all about her the second I set foot inside the bakery.

PwrRngr: OMG, thank God you're back!!

Me: Why? You guys miss me?

PwrRngr: You won't believe what the new girl did yesterday?

Me: Please, do tell.

Superstar: No, really, you're not going to believe it.

Me: Just hurry up and tell me because I have a lot of cakes to make.

Superstar: Well, I was making flans & parfaits for you because Lazy McLazy (my manager's nickname because she literally does f**k all at work) wouldn't help us, and in walks the new girl.

Me: And?

Superstar: She saw the strawberries I was using to decorate the flans and she totally freaked out.

Me: What? Why?

Superstar: She said, "OMG, are those strawberries?? Can I have one??? I want to eat it on my break!!" I told her no, we're not allowed to eat the food, but she found herself a really big one and took it anyway.

Me: OK.

Superstar: Then, she put it on her head.

Me: Excuse me?

Superstar: She put it on her head.

Me: (WTF?) Are you two messing with me?

PwrRngr: No, she kept it on her head the whole time she was doing her work.

Me: (again, WTF?) How did she even get it to stay on her head?

PwrRngr: I don't know, but she did. I swear to God, JB! She stood in the corner singing to herself and packing cookies for over an hour with the strawberry on her head.

Me: (who does she think she is, Strawberry freakin' Shortcake?) Didn't anyone tell her to take it off her head?

Superstar: No, we wanted her to get in trouble. She's nuts.

Me: I see. So, is that all?

PwrRngr: No, after she finished with the cookies, she looked at both of us, did a pirouette, and then danced her way to the lunch room to eat her strawberry.

Me: (clearing my throat) A pirouette?

PwrRngr: Uh huh.

Superstar: I'm telling you, JB, she's nuts.

Me: (yup, so far, so nutty) Is she working today?

Superstar: No, thank God.

PwrRngr: Yeah, she scares me.

Me: OK, enough about the new girl, let's get to work.

The new guy better f**king be normal.


Monday, August 17, 2009

OMG, I'm A Mess - Part Three

Some of you might remember reading OMG, I'm A Mess and OMG, I'm A Mess - Part Two. The question is, am I still a mess? Well, let's review.

I got rid of the poison in my life (aka my Ex). Good.

The restaurant closing was the right thing for everyone involved. Good.

I got a new job. Good.

I got promoted. Good.

Well, except for one thing... I HATE MAKING CAKES!!!!!!! I F**KING HATE IT!!!!!!!! HATE IT!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!


I thought I was working towards not being a mess, but I messed up. I mean, how the f**k did I get into cakes? I thought smelling like the deli was bad, but smelling like the bakery is worse. Really, you have no idea.

Oh, and did I mention that my manager hates me? Well, she does. I know she has problems of her own, but for f**k sakes, stop taking it out on me, already!!!!!!!!

Yup, just when I thought I was on the way to better things, I realize, OMG, I'm still a mess!


Thursday, August 13, 2009

The Votes Are In

Just a quick note to let everyone know that I have reviewed the votes from my 1st Blogoversary post, and the story you guys really want me to write about is The Hair Down There. Why am I not surprised? lol Seriously, though, if all goes well, I should have the story posted by next Friday, so stay tuned.


Tuesday, August 4, 2009

My 1st Blogoversary - I Made It!

A year ago today I was in a pretty bad place. I didn't think that I'd even be here to see another August 4th, and I sure as h*ll didn't know that I'd be celebrating a Blogoversary. I've come full circle, hit the wall & fell down a few times on the way, but I made it.

I have to thank Eddy, who got me started on my blogging journey in the first place, my parents & my sister, my roommate & friends, and all of my new friends & followers here in the blogosphere, for all of your love & support. You found me & you helped me heal. Thank you one & all.

As a treat, I'm letting all of you pick what you want me to write about next. Just leave a comment to let me know which of the following you want to read about most:

* She-Man - The Return

* The Hair Down There

* Mad Man (Really Mad!!)

* Sh*tty McSh*tty

* A Ground Hog With Sexy Legs

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