I've been bringing you customer requests of the week for a little while now, but today I'm going to switch things up because it wasn't the request that struck me, but the person making the request. At the time, I was headfirst in the deli counter fridge organizing the hams, so I didn't even see this person coming. I just heard tapping on the glass, and that's what made me look up. Standing there was… Well… I have no idea.
She? He? Pat from SNL? Seriously, I couldn't tell, and her/his googly eyes (you know, one eye that looks one way, while the other is looking for God knows what), were only adding to my confusion. She-Man, I thought to myself, trying to look as natural as possible as I attempted to make a more accurate ID.
She-Man: Good morning, how are you today?
Me: (Holy freakin' Darth Vader voice!!!!!) Ah, good (liar, liar, pants on fire). How can I help you?
She-Man: I would like 500 grams...
Me: ('Luke, I am your father.')
She-Man: ...of Black Forest ham.
Me: (focus, JB, focus) OK, shaved or sliced?
She-Man: Hold on there, little lady. I'm not done giving you my order.
Me: (OMG, please don't eat me!! Isn't it bad enough that your James Earl Jones voice just about gave me a freakin' heart attack a few seconds ago?) Oh… OK.
She-Man: What's the big hurry? Are you trying to get rid of me?
Me: (yes… slowly backing away from the counter as She-Man starts laughing at her/his own joke in the deepest, most robust laugh I have ever heard ...holy crap) What else can I get you?
She-Man: I'd also like 400 grams of mock chicken, and 500 grams of turkey, the seasoned kind. That's it.
Me: (catching the 'ha, ha, sucker!' expression on my co-worker's face coming at me from the corner of my eye) No problem. (he better quit it before She-Man notices, or we're deli meat) Will that be shaved or sliced?
She-Man: Shaved, of course.
Me: (you could use a shave) Of course...
As I stood there shaving the meats, I glanced as inconspicuously as possible over the slicer trying to make a positive gender ID, but her/his generic green sweatshirt & black pants gave me little to go on. Suddenly, She-Man caught me looking with her/his wondering eye and gave me a little smile that made me shudder right down to my toes. There were no pearly whites in her/his mouth, just a whole lot of yellow. I half smiled in return, and then focused my attention back on the slicer.
As I placed the first package of deli meat on the counter, She-Man grabbed it faster than I could blink. OMG, I have never seen such huge hands!! They could have covered my face and suffocated me.
She-Man: Thanks, that's great.
Me: (just nodding as I made my way back over to the slicer)
She-Man: You're new here, right?
Me: (uh oh, an observation that can only mean one thing --- it wasn't She-Man's first visit to the deli, and not likely the last) Yes.
She-Man: I know because I shop here all the time
Me: (my fear confirmed) Great.
She-Man: Where do you come from?
Me: (I think the real question is where do you come from?) Here. (not much of an answer, but the less specific, the better)
She-Man: Oh, good.
Me: (clearly less specific was the way to go) Here you are (placing the other two packages on the counter).
She-Man: (practically taking my hands along with the deli meat) Thank you. You're a good clerk. I liked your service.
Me: Um, thanks for the kind words.
She-Man: (leaning over the counter and whispering) I don't like the other girls that work here. They stare at me. I know this for a fact.
Me: (gee, I wonder why, I thought, holding my breath as I backed away ever so slightly) I'm happy you enjoyed my service. (now, please go because I'm terrified you might ask me out)
She-Man: See you again soon.
Dear God, please, no.