If you've been following my blog for a while now, then you know all about my Ex and how I've been dealing since we split. You also know that I tried to cut ties with her completely last Fall, but it didn't last very long. Well, since then I'd been trying to bring myself to do it again and, thanks to Eddy, my new friend Indy, and the sheer power that I somehow managed to find inside myself, I finally did. It all went down while I was in the middle of working on a new blog post. There I was typing away, when up pops this online message from my Ex:
Sorry I didn't call you back yesterday, but I couldn't deal with you. I'm sorry. I'm too weak. I can't deal when you’re feeling down or sick.
I don’t know what happened to me, but those words pushed me right over the edge. I typed back to call me right away because I needed to tell her something, but she told me to tell her while we were online.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Is she f**king kidding me? It took all that I had not to throw the computer screen across the room.
I typed back that she’d better call me, otherwise I was going to get in my car and drive over there. Well, she obviously didn't want me to present myself at her door because the phone started to ring. I picked up and spoke before she even had a chance.
Me: You are the most selfish, inconsiderate, cruel excuse for a person. I will not let you treat me like this ever again. Today is the last day. I've let you victimize me, but not any longer. Weak… this is your f**king excuse, weak? I have had it with your excuses. I will take this no more. No more, that's it!!!!!!!
My Ex: That's not true. I just can't deal with you when you’re feeling bad. I'm not the person you should be talking to. I don't know how to deal with you. I did this to you. It's all because of me you feel this bad. I'm a bad person.
Me: So much for this friendship that's so important to you. Or, is it me that finds all this important? All you do is abandon me like you always have. How can you look at yourself in the mirror, you lying sack of sh*t? And him (i.e. HWSNBN), remember how he lied to the both of us, but you believed him? You believed he was protecting you from what I still don't get it. Oh, yeah, from you being close to me, that’s what.
My Ex: No, that's not true. I believed you. It was me, all me.
Me: Remember when I told you that he told me he’d listen to your conversations with your sister? Well, one night he told me, "JB, she's been telling her sister that she wishes you'd disappear out of her life… that she never wants to talk to you or be your friend." Was he lying or telling the truth? So many lies... it's all lies. You're still lying to me, but worse to yourself. You make me sick. You both make me sick. This is how you treat people? This is what I deserve?
My Ex: JB, please you don't understand.
Me: Protect the liar. Make excuses for your liar and yourself. It's easier for you to look in the mirror, to go through life living on your foundation of lies.
My Ex: Please, JB, I am the one who did all this. I did it.
Me: How do the both of you sleep at night after all that you've done to me? How do you look your liar in the eyes knowing how he got you to f**k him thanks to me filling his mind full of things about you? Remember when he touches you in that place that it's not him, it's me. It's me because without me he wouldn't have gotten into your bed, you lying b*tch. Enjoy yourselves because when the clouds clear from your murky head, reality will set in and then we'll see. Look in the mirror, look deep. It's me staring back at you from this point on. He knows you because he needed to betray me to get you into bed. Remember his lies and all your lies because this is the foundation that you have based your new life on.
My Ex: You don't understand me. You deserve more... better. You're so much better then I will ever be. I'm sorry.
Me: Yes I do. I understand what needs to be done and you’re not sorry, not one bit. You won't know what sorry is until you start to feel the pain you should have felt a long time back when you were getting rid of me from your life, and then you suddenly changed your mind & needed to have me in your life. You changed your mind like you can just go in and out... being friends one day, but then you’re out when it gets too hard for you. It's always about you and what you want, but today it's about me and what I need.
My Ex: JB, stop being like this. Please, you’re not feeling well. Your head… Please don't get upset. I don't want anything to happen to you
Me: Spare me your fake emotions. Save them for someone who actually cares.
My Ex: Please, don't you know how much I care? I'm being honest.
Me: Honest? Don’t use that word like you know what means. You’re still lying to me, but this is it. I don't ever want to see your f**king face or hear your f**king voice again. Never call me, e-mail me, or contact me in any way. Stay out of my life. You have killed me and killed the idea of love for me. I hate you so much. I hope that you spend the next part of your life suffering like you have made me suffer, you evil b*tch. I hate you both with all that I have and I hope that you and the little boy you’re f**king burn in hell.
My Ex: You don't mean this.
Me: Yes I mean every word!!!!!!! Leave me alone!!!!!! Never call me!!!! F**k you!!!!!!! You betrayed me, but most of all you betrayed the one thing that I held most dear, our friendship, you stupid childish girl!!!!! Get out of my life!!!!!
My Ex: Please, stop it. Please, don't do this. I will call you later. I will talk to you when you’re not mad.
Me: Are you f**king deaf? Don't call me ever, ever, ever! Are you not f**king listening to me? I will not be the victim in this mess you made me a part of. I am reclaiming my life without you in it. Get out of my life and stay out. I never want to see you again. That's it. Leave me alone. You have played your last games with my feelings. I will never let you treat me like an outsider, second class citizen, or a victim. I deserve better than this and you can't respect me, you evil b*tch!!!
There, I hung up and it was done. Well, almost. I picked the phone back up and called my cell provider in order to have her numbers blocked. I did the same for my home phone. Then, I called her parents, explained the situation, and said my goodbyes to them. Next, I deleted all of her e-mail addresses and her family’s information too.
As I sat there staring at my computer screen, I suddenly felt sick to my stomach and went straight to the bathroom to throw up. Somehow, it was as though my body was saying: there, now it’s done.