Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Customer of the Week: Blueberry Bran Muffin Man

This past Sunday I started out my morning at work alone. There were a couple of employees scheduled to come in around Noon, but for the first few hours I was on my own. It's kind of eerie being there all by myself at such an early hour. The store isn't actually open yet, so all you hear are the fans humming overhead.

Anyway, there was plenty to do, so I started preparing what needed to go out. As I was going about my business, I came across a cart of muffins that my night baker (who's a good two sandwiches short of a picnic... I've got a story about her you won't believe) had set aside. Of course, this meant that the muffin table was probably close to empty, so I stopped what I was doing, and got to packing and labeling the muffins. When I was done, it was almost 11am. Customers were going to be coming around any minute, so I quickly went to restock the muffin table. As I was organizing the different kinds of muffins by row, a guy built like a football player approached me. He wanted blueberry bran muffins, and just like that my day had officially begun. I had to tell this huge guy that we don't have blueberry bran muffins, and I knew that wasn't going to go over very well.

Me: Good morning, sir.

Blueberry Bran Muffin Man (BBMM): I was told by a boy over in grocery that you guys have muffins.

Me: (sweeping my hand across the muffin table like I was Vanna White) Yes, sir. Here they are. What kind would you like?

BMM: I want blueberry bran.

Me: (of course you do, big boy) Sir, I'm sorry, we don't carry blueberry bran. In fact, we never have.

BBMM: Well, I bought them here before.

Me: (when?? 150 years ago when cavemen where dragging their women by the hair across the frozen tundra of Canada?) Sir, I can assure you that we've never carried blueberry bran muffins.

BBMM: (tilting his head to the side & looking at me) Listen, I don't want to tell you that you're not doing your job, but this is bad customer service. The customer is always right. I used to work in this business, so I think you should do your job by getting me the muffins I requested.

Me: (requested? seriously??) OK, hold on. Let me go see what I can do for you.

As I made my way back behind the bakery counter to make a phone call to absolutely no one, I looked over at the muffin table to see BBMM looking through all of the muffin packages. While I watched him make a total mess of the muffin table, I picked up the phone to make it look like I was having a conversation. When the guy finally stopped tearing apart the muffin table and looked my way, I smiled at him and pointed at the phone to indicate that I was talking to someone about what we could do for him. After a few more seconds, I hung up the phone and made my way back to BBMM.

Me: Sir, I just talked to the store manager (not!!) and he confirmed that we've never had blueberry bran muffins for sale in this store. We do have carrot bran muffins, as well as plain bran muffins, if you like.

BBMM: (tilting his head to the side again & folding his arms across his chest) Well, it seems that I can't get what I need here. I should have gone to the store next door. They have what I want.

Me: (holding back on the sarcasm as best I could) Do they? I didn't know that. Well, that's great. I guess the competition really knows how to do their job.

BBMM: Yes, they do, but I had to come here today because they open at noon and I didn't want to wait.

Me: (of course not... big boy wants his blueberry bran muffins, and he wants them NOW!) Right...

BBMM: (suddenly leaning towards me & lowering his voice) Can I tell you something?

Me: (just don't hurt me) Uh, sure, go for it.

BBMM: (looking around to make sure only I could hear him) I only like blueberry bran muffins because all other muffins... well...

Me: (OMG, out with it already) Yeah...???

BBMM: (whispering) ...taste like a**.

Me: (WTF???!!!!!!!) Huh?

BBMM: (standing back up to his full height & speaking his regular voice) Not to be rude, or anything.

Me: (forget rude, how about GROSS!!) Uh, sure.

BBMM: Seriously, they just have this taste...

Me: (OMG, please don't tell me how you know this) Oh, OK.

BBMM: (grinning) That probably sounded really strange, didn't it?

You only like blueberry bran muffins because all the other kinds taste like a**.

No that's not a strange thing to say, not at all, you big WEIRDO!!!

- JB

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Customer of the Week: Pita Man

There are mornings I get up hoping that the day will be uneventful... the kind of day where no one comes to my counter and asks me "Is this bakery?" -- as if the cakes, doughnuts, tarts and other pastries aren't a dead giveaway. Yes, I hope for simple, easy going days, but my customers are complicated. They can't just come in get what they want and leave. No, they have to drive me to the brink of insanity first. For instance, there's this guy who's got a thing for pita bread. He shows up pretty much every other day wanting to know if the pita bread is fresh and if we have the brown (ie. whole wheat) kind. I can't tell you how many times I've told him that fresh pita bread comes in daily around 2pm, but still he comes back asking the same questions. I should probably mention that he is a Lebanese man who doesn't have the greatest grasp of the English language, but I don't know how to explain things to him in a way that's any easier for him to understand.

Pita Man: Hello.

Me: (here we go, AGAIN!!!) Hello, sir.

Pita Man: (smiling) Hello, pita fresh today, yes?

Me: (sigh) No, we didn't get the pita bread yet.

Pita Man: (still smiling, like it's going to help) Hello, pita fresh today, yes?

Me: (is there an echo in here?) No, not yet, OK? Come back at 2 o'clock for the fresh pita, OK?

Pita Man: Yes, pita fresh today. Yes, me need pita. You show me, brown, yes?

Me: (what part of "no" did you not understand?) Sir, we only have white. Brown comes at 2 o'clock, OK?

Pita Man: Brown, yes.

Me: (YES, DAMN IT!!!!) Yes, at 2 o'clock. You come back, OK?

Pita Man: You show me now brown, OK? I need brown now, so you show me, OK?

Me: (sure, I'll play stupid & escort you to the pita table) OK, come with me.

Pia Man: (very happy) Brown, yes?

Me: (nothing, just walking over to the pita table)

Pita Man: (standing with me in front of the pita bread table) Brown, yes?

Me: (pointing at what we have on the table) See, no brown. Only white. We get brown at 2 o'clock, OK?

Pita Man: No brown.

Me: (OMG, I think he's got it) No brown.

Pita Man: (pointing at the white pita bread) This fresh today?

Me: (F**KKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!) No. We get all fresh at 2 o'clock.

Pita Man: Me come back, 2 o'clock.

Me: (Hallelujah, Jesus, Mary and Joseph!!!!) Yes, 2 o'clock you come back for fresh brown pita.

Pita Man: OK, me come back 2 o'clock, brown, yes.

Me: (nothing, just nodding)

Pita Man: I take white now, OK?

Me: (and go away, please!!!) Yes.

Pita Man: Thank-you. Brown 2 o'clock, yes?

Me: (for f**k sakes, man) Yes.

Pita Man: Thank you.

Me: (no, thank God I take my lunch break at 2pm today & Drey will have to deal with you when you come back... thank God for that teeny tiny miracle) Sure, bye now.

I swear, my head is still spinning.

- JB

Monday, January 10, 2011

From Google To My Blog

Do you ever wonder what people are searching for when they come across your blog?

Well, I had Eddy check on that for me, and I still can't believe what turned up. Seriously, people are searching for some really bizarre sh*t, and the fact that my blog turned up in the results is totally weirding me out.

Anyway, below are some of the ways that people went from Google to my blog.

** WHO eats MOCK CHICKEN?? And wtf is it????????

- this is who eats it, and this is what it is

** why is paul a pecker neck

- I couldn't say, but thanks a lot for the visual...

** its gonna hurt me hard sex1

- and it's gonna hurt me hard sex2... wtf??

** my sexy are kill are gonna be happy i said bang bang

- I say bang bang, stay the h*ll away from my blog!!

** I have hamburger, what do I make with it?

- don't ask me... I work in a bakery

** nice women sing hamburger

- does that mean naughty women sing hot dog??

** sims 2 sex

- now wait just a frickin' minute, the sims are having sex???

** female pilates woodpeckers

- I don't even want to think about why someone would be looking for those things in the same google search

** lady gaga wants to make hamburger

- good for gaga... I'm sure that meat dress she wore to the MTV Video Awards will grind up nicely

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