Friday, April 17, 2009

To Kill A Woodpecker

Guess what?

I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN FOUR F**KING NIGHTS!!!! FOUR F**KING NIGHTS, PEOPLE!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!

There is a woodpecker that's been pecking away at the drainpipe that runs along the side of my house just outside my bedroom window. F**K!!!!!!!!!! I am not happy, not happy at all, and I hate that damn bird with all of my f**king might right now. My roommate thinks it's funny because he can't hear a damn thing from his room. Nope, only I've had to listen to that freakin' bird beating it's f**cking love drum (explained below, just stay with me) at 4:30am. As if I want to get up at the crack of piss-crow with the little pecker. STOP IT!!!!!!

Anyway, this morning, while I lay in bed thinking about how to kill the damn bird, my roommate came to tell me that he figured out why it's been pecking away (at my sanity).

Roomie: (knocking on my bedroom door)

Me: Yeah, come in.

Roomie: (entering) Hey, so, the woodpecker is still with us.

Me: No shit, Sherlock. I can hear the little bastard.

Roomie: Oh, yeah, he's right by your window. I can’t hear him, sorry.

Me: Sorry, my a**. What the h*ll do you want, really?

Roomie: I know why he's doing it. I Googled it.

Me: (if looks could kill, the guy would be dead, the smarta** little sh*t) Please, do tell, since you're sleeping so well.

Roomie: He's looking for a mate.

Me: So, what, am I supposed to care about his lack of lovers? Get the h*ll out of here.

Roomie: He's mating. It's cute, don’t you think?

Me: Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!! You insane idiot!!!!! Tomorrow morning, I'm going to open my window & start throwing all the knives from my $1000 knife set at that bird until I hit him dead on his bird face!! Do you hear me??

Roomie: You can't do that. Birds are protected animals. JB, you need to calm down.

Me: Protected??? Calm down???

Roomie: You can't just start throwing knives out the window. What about the neighbors?

Me: The neighbors?? What about my sleep, health, sanity, you freakin' moron!! Screw them! Think of yourself, or I’ll throw you outside.

Roomie: I emailed the lady at the newspaper.

Me: (did he just say newspaper?) What? Why? So, she can bore the bird to death with the local news? Or, maybe she plans to beat him to death with the paper?

Roomie: No, she's a bird expert. She told me the reasons.

Me: Seriously, dude, go f**k yourself and her too. Get rid of that bird, or I’m going Rambo 1, 2 and 3 on all your a**es!

Roomie: Maybe the bird will find a mate before that happens. Besides, I like my a** & I need it for mating. (he starts laughing)

Me: (giggling at how totally stupid funny he just was) Well, woodpecker lover, the little sh*t has 24-hours to get his pecking packed and gone with his new mate, or else....

Roomie: JB, you can't kill it.

Me: Why, are you going to stop me?

Roomie: I’ll figure something out, I swear to you. I know when you say something, you’ll do it. Just please don't, OK?

Me: Like I said, you got 24 hours, or I'm coming to you at 4:30am and banging up on your bedroom window, naked, with my box right in full view. Are you getting a visual, hmm??

Roomie: Oh, for the love of God, not your box!

Me: Yeah, the box... all Brazilianed (is that even a word? whatever...) and nice just for you. Are you still liking that bird now? 24 hours... that’s what you have.

Back downstairs he went and got on the phone with God knows who to figure out what to do about the woodpecker. Meanwhile, what do I hear as I'm rolling out of bed to make my way to the bathroom? Pecking. PECKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm telling you, people, that bird is dead. D-E-A-D... dead.

JB

45 comments:

  1. A woodpecker! Id so call animal control! Im sorry you have not slept babes. :(

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  2. dont kill it. slow torture is the way. i dont appreciate anything or anyone who interferes with sleep. i see you dont either :P

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  3. Have a heart, Man!!.
    Have you tried using ear plugs?!
    :)

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  4. you could spray something nasty smelling (but non-toxic) on the bird's perch to scare it away.

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  5. Aww.. I am sorry you havent slept in ages...
    but I couldnt stop laughin reading this post!!

    :D

    hahaha....
    my fav line "So, she can bore the bird to death with the local news?"...

    Hillarious JB..

    Errr, I mean.. sorry about your sleep...!

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  6. Hope this helps love:
    http://www.managemyhome.com/mmh/answers/Answers.action#l4q108082

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  7. are you hallucinating yet? :)
    it could be fun, you know.

    so i got an email from big boobs, haha she was all like, wa wa wa stop trying to be me and stop commenting my blog friends and i pasted her the email from you where you told me that she was lurking your blog.

    i think she's a bit weird up there, if you know what i mean.

    she kind of reminds me of your ex, like she's a nagging obsession and because she's always hovering around and in your face you can never really become free of it.

    any tips lovely?
    hope you're getting some rest.

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  8. Don't waste your good knives, sweetie. How about getting the feathered little bastard in style? Get some fireworks and aim a rocket at him - the beautiful explosion will be a lovely send-off to pecker heaven (eow) and will re-balance your karma by adding thoughtfulness to your murderous tendencies.

    Oh, and hope you had a lovely Easter, my gorgeous bunny.

    xxxxxxxx

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  9. By the way, what sorta knives do ya be havin? I tots do be wantin da knives wot do be expensive. Like from Germany. Also i do be way off me arse drunk. so i do be apologisin if'n i not be understandin

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  10. oh do let us know what happened....

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  11. Understandishable as it is, it always pains me to hear a girl talk about how much she dislikes peckers :( On the other hand, your roommate seems quite fond of them.

    Why would it peck on a drainpipe, anyway? It's like the hannibal lector of woodpeckers.

    I'm sure there's some gunk you can spray on there to keep him away or else throwing something should scare him off, and if not I say get a bb gun and start making some evolutionary inroads towards smarter woodpeckers.

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  12. Well my darling, it's official.
    The non-sleeping nights are attacting all over the globe. And I can't even blame e mating animal...LOOOL
    But go gentle on the little guy... or as gentle as non-sleeping allows ;)
    I hope you are okay, I've missed you girl! :)

    Love,

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  14. Hahaha. JB, love, you are hilarious. Any more of this and I will propose marriage to you. Hahaha.

    The neighbor's cats are at it every night..and when they do that, I can't focus on my own sexual needs...so I told the lady who owns the cats that if she doesn't find a way to shut her pets up, my bf and I will fuck right outside her door and see how she likes the way we sound.

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  15. hope you can get to sleep. wow, i don't think i could make it 4 days.

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  16. @miss..stef...well he's still banging and I'm still not sleeping so what the hell I gave him a name...Paul the pecker...there now I feel better.

    Huggs
    JB

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  17. @sneha.....it's more like he's slowly torturing me instead so I give up....he wins. I can't kill him now that I gave him a name like Paul...wtf everyone needs a mate.

    Huggs
    JB

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  18. @chillout...screw the ear plugs it sounds like he's sitting at the end of my bed banging his love drum so.... NO is the answer but thanks for the suggestion buddy. Also thanks for dropping in and commenting.

    Cheers
    JB

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  19. @craig...maybe I can just find him a mate that should get him off my pipe....thanks, but me thinks hes on a mission of love....so let the banging continue....yeahhhhh!!!!

    Huggs
    JB

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  20. JB..... You probably haven't heard the news - they have found Baby Thor! In Guatemala!! Mia (the mother) is right now having to fight corrupt courts in order to get to leave with her son. Hopefully soon.... Anna xx

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  21. Indi....hey girl how's it going? I got your email and I know you've been calling sorry been working a lot. I'm sending you an update on me soon ok.

    As for that bird from hell...well I gave him a name Paul the pecker so there....he's mine now.

    Love Ya
    JB

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  22. Amanda..thanks. Now can you get me some sleeping pills to drown out the banging of his love drum for the love of god...ahhhhhhhh.

    Love Ya
    JB

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  23. @katie....who are you? I'm feeling dizzzyyy and lost? Katie who???? I hate this bird so, katie I named him Paul the Pecker do you like it?

    I hope things are well for you. Listen you know how to find me if you need to talk 24/7 I'm here love.

    Love Ya
    JB

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  24. @Anna..sweetie listen I gave him a name Paul the Pecker. Now I'm going to blow him off my pipe. I was thinking of throwing one of my cats at him that little pecker. I hope you had a good easter too love.

    Lovexoxoxoxo
    JB

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  25. @shadow...of course I will keep everyone updated on Paul's love drum mate ritual on the side of my drainpipe. I'm not sleeping much so what else can I do. Thanks for stopping in.

    Huggs
    JB

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  26. @JP...my roommmates fondness for peckers is the only reason why that bird is still banging my drainpipe, ball breakers that they both are.

    I don't know why the drainpipe but it really likes it alot, actaully too much if you ask me and I'm just about to loose it. Thanks for the help but it's illegal to shoot birds over here WTF....AHHHHH.

    I was thinking Crossbow maybe...!!!!!

    Huggs
    JB

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  27. @izzie...i love you too. Sleeping is important and that bird is killing me....slowly with his song.

    Love Ya
    JB

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  28. @business...thanks for the comments and the nice words. I will drop by to see your blog.

    Thank-you for voting for my blog that's so great. I want everyone to vote. It would be so cool to winnnn...yeahhhh.

    Huggs
    JB

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  29. @trinity...I will marry you on one condition if I get to bring the bird with me. I've gotten used to his banging. It's also sad that he's banging and I'm not WTF. I'm just screaming and the cats are freaking at the window and making these sounds that make you want to choke them and WTF ohhhhh my god this is insane.

    Look at us cats,birds, threats at the neigbours WTF is the world coming too....my love. I'd rather here you banging your love drum then that dammmmmmmbird who by the way is now named Paul the pecker there.....I miss you love. I hope we can talk soon or listen to the drum banging love.

    Love You
    JB

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  30. @floreta...thanks for the words but that bird is killing me...lololol. Hope all is good.

    Huggs
    JB

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  31. @anna...yeah.....this is great news Anna. I stopped by to thank-you ok.

    Love Ya
    JB

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  32. Rofl hillarious dialogue. No offense but your roomie seemed kinda weird based on what he was saying LOL.

    What part of the world do you live in that you have woodpeckers near your house?

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  33. I woould kill him too :D.
    Nobody should mess with our sleep.
    I propose, let's go Rambo 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 and Terminator 1 2 3 et Spiderman 1 2 3.
    Ohhh did I say Superman 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

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  34. You know me too well JB!!!!!

    This is right up my alley!

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  35. Oh lord, I hear you... ours is construction workers working on the ex-crack house next door, and they start promptly at FIVE AM. FIVE AM, PEOPLE!!! Mama needs her beauty rest!

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  36. @liz...ahhh baby how did I know you'd like this.

    Huggs
    JB

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  37. @lilu....baby really needs her sleep and pecker really needs get laid before I kill him DEAD.....

    Thanks for dropping in.

    Huggs
    JB

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  38. @lazy...I just want to stop getting up at 4:43 in the f**king AM Lazy...ahhhhhh...123456789 ...

    Huggs
    JB

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  39. baHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH Rambo 1,2 and 3. Nice.

    'how to kill a pecking bird' next?

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  40. I am so sorry to hear about your horny wood pecker. I hope that he gets lucky and moves on very soon, before your fragile sanity gives in and does something drastic to his feathery little self.

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  41. @Juice...I was thinking of dressing up like a girl woodpecker and slowiy climbing my drain pipe and giving him the bird finger job or something along those lines.

    Take Care
    JB

    Thanks for taking the time to drop by and leave me a comment.

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  42. @Ken...he'd better move before I move him 6 feet under but then again what would i write about my love life or my evil Ex....who may be the woodpeckers evil twin....ahhhhh

    Love
    JB

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  43. I am going through the same thing right now! We have a woodpecker that is pecking away at the drain pipe every morning around 4:30am! My boyfriend has heard it several days in a row now and I've only heard it once! Did you find out how to get rid of the little pecker head so we can do it too? Or else we are going to be forced to start knife throwing too!

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  44. crawfo41: OMG, you mean I'm not the only one with a drain pipe obsessed woodpecker? As for getting rid of him, did you read my follow up post -- To Kill A Woodpecker - One Week Later?

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  45. Only if you promise to sing #Finger bang bang# - South Park Boyband!

    You fit inside a drain pipe??? Interesting.

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Thanks so much for taking the time to leave a comment. Check back for my response and/or Eddy's. We love hearing from you! Peace, JB (blog owner) and Eddy ("super great cuz" & frequent guest blogger)

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