Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Letters To My Customers - Part 2

Dear 'Why Aren't You Open New Year's Day?' Customer,

You know, I thought I really hated 'Are You Open Christmas Day' customer, but I think I just might hate you more. Like I told that guy, STOP CALLING US EVERY F-ING YEAR & ASKING THE SAME F-ING QUESTION! We have never, and will never, open New Year's Day, and we don't give two sh*ts that you think it's 'bad for business' for us to be closed. Trust me, we'd rather lose one day's business than have to put up with you & your hung-over friends.


Dear 'Hugo Boss Perfume Wearing' Customer,

I must say, you have great taste in perfume, but is it necessary to drop the whole bottle on yourself? I mean, it's nice that you smell good, but where is your limit, man? Even way back in the kitchen, your scent is beyond intoxicating, and that's incredibly dangerous for those of us handling sharp objects. Seriously, I could accidentally cut myself while chopping vegetables, and I don't think that you'd appreciate my fingers in your salad. So, let me assure you that a quick spray or little dab behind the neck is more than enough perfume to attract attention. Lastly, I beg you to never hug me hello or goodbye ever again because I find it truly unpleasant having to smell like you for a good week afterwards.


Dear 'Allergic to Garlic' Customer,

Of all the possible kinds of restaurants that you could have gone to for dinner, why did you choose an Italian restaurant? Surely, you must be aware that we lace everything with garlic. I mean, exactly how do you expect us to serve you a meal without our food making you go into anaphylactic shock? Seriously, please do me and all other Italian restaurant owners a favour & go elsewhere the next time you decide to go out for dinner.

Best Wishes,

Dear 'This Isn't Spicy Enough' Customer,

Could it be that a whole bottle of Tabasco sauce, six jalapeƱo peppers, and a handful of chilies in your pasta dish the last time you were in for dinner were enough to finally shut you up once and for all? Well, I certainly hope so because we were choking on the fumes in the kitchen for a good 20 minutes afterwards, so actually ingesting that fiery meal must have surely done away with your internal organs. In fact, I bet that's why we haven't heard from you since that night. You must still be on the toilet sh*ting your insides out.

Happy New Year,


  1. Love, love, love every single one of them !!! :)

    "Hugo Boss", even if it's the entire bottle, still smells better on a man than Indian Summer, don't it?

    Not spicy enough... clearly you're not Calabrese :)

  2. Wait! Are you saying that I CANNOT come in on New Year's Day (drenched in Hugo Boss perfume) and order a garlic free-super spicy Italian Hamburger? I guess I will have to take my business (and my hugs) elsewhere. ;p

  3. HEee hee...u shud do a whole lot of series of these posts!!
    JB !! :) Happy New year gal...
    whats the partying plan for!
    HUGS to you!


  4. haha JB this is classic :p

    thanks for your comment on my fireworks photos

    hope you have an amazing new years.
    welcome to 2009 :)


  5. just wanted to thank you personally for the comment you left on my blog. you've really inspired me to take this photography thing seriously.

    you're great! x

  6. Wishing you and your family health, wealth, and happiness in 2009!

  7. Jerry: lol I told you I was just getting started.

    An entire bottle of Hugo Boss or Indian Summer (which, for those who don't know, is woman's perfume) on a man. Frankly, I don't know what's worse.

    As for the customer who likes his food spicey, when I say we were choking on the fumes, I mean we were CHOKING! The guy is freakin' nuts.

    Marty: NO, YOU CANNOT!! lol :)



Thanks so much for taking the time to leave a comment. Check back for my response and/or Eddy's. We love hearing from you! Peace, JB (blog owner) and Eddy ("super great cuz" & frequent guest blogger)

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