The other day, I was over at Rob's blog reading his post about a couple caught having sex in a dumpster, and it reminded me of a similar story involving my mother. Get your heads out of the gutter, people. My mother is not a dumpster diver (at least as far as I know), but... Well, let me start at the beginning.
One night at the restaurant (FYI - if you're new here, my family used to be in the restaurant biz), this couple came in and we knew right away that they were the touchy-feely kind. This meant that they would be there all night because they'd be far too busy pawing at each to concentrate on anything else. How they managed to get through dinner without sitting on each others laps is still beyond me. Seriously, they were two bj's short of a porno & we thought they would never leave. Anyway... after four hours of petting, stroking, tonguing, and God knows what else (it's not like we could see under the table with the tablecloth draped over it), they finally asked for the bill & paid. Other than my mother who was going to do some prep work before calling it a night, the rest of us were ready to go home, so we headed out thinking that the lovers would soon follow suit. Well, the next day my sister and I arrived at work to find out that we were mistaken.
Mother: I have something to tell you.
My sister and I looked at each other with our 'Uh oh, we're in sh*t for something' faces and prepared for the worst.
Mother: You know the lovers that were here last night?
Mother: Well, those lovers were really in love after you guys went home.
Me: (looking at my sister wide-eyed, then back at my mother) O... K...
Mother: I go to the door with them when they leave. I say thank you, good night, see you soon, and then I lock up.
Mother: Then, I go back in the kitchen to do my prep work.
Mother: Before I finish, I think I need to go take out the garbage because you guys forgot.
Me: OK, and then what?
Mother: Oh, the lovers, they in love very much. Too much for me to handle.
Sister: Ma, you're killing me. Come on.
Mother: So, I go outside with the garbage, pulling the can because it's too heavy for me to carry. I making a lot of noise too. You think someone would hear me.
Mother: I see beside the garbage (she means the dumpster) that someone left their car. Maybe they take a taxi home, you know.
Mother: I see white.
Me: White what??
Mother: I see a naked culo (that's slang for 'ass' for all of you who don't know Italian).
Mother: And then I see another one.
Mother: They having sex beside the garbage.
Me: On the ground????
Mother: Yes, and I ask them what's a matter with them and why they do this outside.
Mother: And I ask them why they don't go in the car if they don't go home. They say they very sorry and that they going to leave. I tell them they better go because I call the police.
Sister: Holy sh*t , ma!
Mother: I no understand these people. What happened to the bed... the old fashioned way?
Me: (taking the opportunity to tease her) Oh, ma, you're so old school. Did you and Daddy make me in the bed?
Mother: (totally serious) That's not your business!
Me: So, did you see it (don't make me spell out what it is, people)?
Sister: (grinning) Yeah, ma, did you?
Me: (watching my mother blush & turn away from us towards the stove) You did! OMG, you did!!!
Mother: OK, enough, go back to work.
Sister: (laughing & teasing) No, not until you tell us if you saw it or not.
Mother: No, that's enough, I say. Get to work.
All day long we teased her. LOL The poor woman. Seriously, though, what the h*ll is wrong with some people? Sex in a dumpster... beside a dumpster? For the love of God, folks, get a room!!!! If you can't get one, beg, steal or borrow one, please!!!