Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Customer of the Week: Baguette Squeezing Lady

Do you guys remember Touchy Tart Lady?

Well, some woman came by the other day who could give TTL a run for her money. At first, I had no idea this woman was even there because I was busy concentrating on the cake I was decorating, but OWC (i.e. Older Woman Co-worker) spotted her and was quick to bring her to my attention.

OWC: (tugging like crazy on my uniform) JB! JB!

Me: (trying to shrug her off) What?! Would you stop pulling at me!

OWC: (still tugging at my uniform) Look at that woman over there!!

Me: (with what, the eyes in the back of my head?) OK, but please let go of me so I can turn around to see what you're talking about.

OL: (letting me go) LOOK AT HER!!!

Me: (a little direction would help) Where is she?

OWC: (pointing) There, at the bread wall.

Me: (turning my head to look) OMG, is squeezing the baguettes?!

OWC: Yes!! I’m going to yell at her.

Me: (grabbing her arm) No, calm down. You can’t just walk over there and start yelling at her.

OWC: But look at what she is doing to them!!

Me: (releasing her arm) I know, but yelling plus fingering pointing equals a trip to the office and a write up.

OWC: Well, I can’t just stand here and watch her ruin all the baguettes.

Then, before I could grab her arm again, OWC took off like a jackrabbit with its hind legs blazing. Naturally, that was my cue to go after her before she started in on Baguette Squeezing Lady and caused a big scene. OWC might be older than the rest of us, but when she sees someone doing something wrong she kind of loses it.

OWC: (making her way to BSL seconds before me) Mam, what on earth are you doing?

Me: (arriving just in time to interject) Hello, Mam. Can I hel...

OWC: (cutting me off) It's OK, JB, I can handle this.

Me: (that's what you think) OWC, can you please go back to watch the counter while I help this woman.

BSL: (looking at both of us, totally confused) Oh, no, I'm fine. I don't need any help.

OWC: Why are you squeezing all of the baguettes?

Me: (turning towards OWC, eyebrows raised) OWC, I really need you to go back to the cake counter, please.

OWC: (turning on her heel and walking away) Humph!

Me: (looking back at BSL) Sorry about that Mam, but you have been standing here for the past few minutes touching ever single baguette that we have, so that is why we came over her to see if you need help.

BSL: (acting like she wasn't doing anything wrong) So?

Me: (uh, seriously?) Mam, you have crushed the ends of almost all of them. How are we supposed to sell these now?

BSL: (getting worked up) Well, I’m a customer and I can squeeze however many I want until I find one I like!

Me: (what a frickin' nut job!) Mam, if you touch another baguette, I will be forced to call management.

BSL: (reaching for another baguette, with a smug look on her face) Is that so?

Me: (die!!!!) Mam...

BSL: (nothing, just squeezing the baguette she just grabbed)

Clearly, I wasn't going to get any where with BSL, so I made my way back to the cake counter where OWC was looking at me with eyes on the verge of falling right out of her head.

Me: Can you call the director, please? (if anyone could put BSL in her place, it was going to be him)

OWC: (nothing, just a mad dash for the phone)

A few minutes later I see the Director coming towards me, so I start walking back over to BSL (who's still squeezing baguettes) to meet up with him there.

Director: (approaching me and BSL) Is something wrong?

Me: Sir, this women insists she is within her rights to squeeze the baguettes until she finds one she likes.

Director: (looking BSL square in the eyes) Madame, do you intend to buy a baguette today?

BSL: (tilting her head to one side) Maybe?

Director: Well, Madame, in my store, if you touch it, you buy it. So, I suggest you take one now and be on your way, or find a store that will actually let you feel up all the baguettes you want.

Me: (OMG, did he just say that??!! "feel up"??!!)

BSL: (nothing, just glaring at the Director)

Director: (glaring right back at BSL) Are we clear, Madame, or shall I place all of the damaged baguettes in your cart and take you to the closest register to pay for them?

BSL: (hands on hips) I am a customer!!!

Director: (mimicking, i.e. hands on hips) My store, my rules, Madame.

BSL: (spinning her cart around to leave) I will never shop here again!!

Director: (relaxing his stance & smiling) Excellent! Good day, Madame.

BSL: (nothing, just furiously pushing her cart away from us)

Yes, good day, indeed, you baguette squeezing biatch!!

- JB

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Letters To My Bakery Customers - Part 3

I was looking through some of my older posts and I can't believe it's been almost 2 years since I wrote Letters To My Bakery Customers - Part 2. With the number of wackadoodles that show up at my counter, how can that be? Well, today I'm going to share a few letters that I've had in mind since last month. I was too busy to write them over the holidays, but I'm good to go now. :)

Dear Snowman Cake Guy,

Did you slip on a patch of ice and bump your head since we last saw you? Let me remind you then that the Snowman cake we made for you was based on the one that you saw in our display case. You said, "I want a Snowman cake that looks exactly like that one," and you pointed right at it, poking at the glass with your stubby index finger. Well, we made you a Snowman cake that looks "exactly" like the one that you saw, so what's this bullsh*t about the colours being "all wrong" and the snowman "too fat"? Seriously, dude, a snowman that's "too fat"? WTF? Go get your eyes checked and your head examined, and then buy or rent a copy of Frosty the Snowman on DVD so you can watch it and see what a snowman is supposed to look like, duma**!


Dear Date Squares Lady,

I think that you might also need to have your head examined because you can't seem to get it through your thick skull that we do not have, or have ever had, date squares for sale in our store. Seriously, how many bloody times must one of us personally escort you to the table out front to prove to you that there are no packages of date squares? I mean, for the love of God, it's like f-ing Groundhog Day every time you show up!! No wonder my employees run and hide when they see you coming. Unfortunately, I must lead by example, so I can't do the same, even though I want to, believe me. So, in case I'm not making myself clear, we don't give a rats a** if you supposedly saw date squares on that table before. Either go find yourself a bakery that gives a crap, or buy yourself some dates and make your own damn squares!


Dear Hot Bread Lady,

Guess what? You made my list of Stupid Customer Questions. Yup, that's right, I said STUPID!! I tried to be nice and explain that the only way you're going to get hot bread is if you are here when we pull it out of the oven, but you just don't get it, do you? Want to know why? BECAUSE YOUR STUPID!!!!! You're stupid and I am done with you --- done, done done!! I'm so done, I want to come to your house while you're sleeping and stab you with hot bread. Of course, any intelligent person would know that the bread would no longer be hot by the time I got there. You're probably sighing with relief right now, but that's only because you haven't realized that I can always heat the bread back up in your oven and then stab you with it. I bet you didn't think of that now did you, STUPID??!!


Monday, January 9, 2012

Will You Follow Me - iPod Shuffle Says...

Some time last year I came across this music meme that I thought would be fun to try out, but I ended up going on hiatus before I ever got around to it, so the meme was saved as a draft for me to work on later.

Well, now is definitely later, so let me first tell you guys how this meme works, and then I'll share my answers.


1. Put your iPod, MP3 player, or whatever you listen to on shuffle
2. For each question, hit the next button to get your answer
3. You must write that song down, no matter how silly it sounds

Alright, now here's what happened when I sat down earlier this morning and pressed play...

1. If someone asks you "Are you okay?," you say:
"Mother's of the Disappeared" - U2
~ Hmm, not to make light of what this song is about, but there are days when I feel like I've been abducted by aliens.

2. How would you describe yourself?
"VCR" - The xx
~ I know myself, I'm comfortable with myself, I like to replay things over in my mind... um, okay, sure...

3. What do you like in a guy or girl?
"Little Feeling" - Leona Cassanova
~ More like little talking... (wink wink)

4. How do you feel today?
"Breathless" - Cat Power
~ I couldn't have said it any better myself.

5. What is your life's purpose?
"Be Here Now" - Ray Lamontagne
~ Whoa, that is so bang on.

6. What's your motto?
"Hand Covers Bruise" - Trent Rezner
~ Uh, nope... iPod shuffle fail.

7. What do your friends think of you?
"Who Will Comfort Me" - Melody Gardot
~ Hmm, maybe for a while after the whole HWSNBN and my Ex saga, but surely not now.

8. What do your parents think of you?
"Comme Une Fille" - Holden
~ Translation: Like a girl. OK, that is too weird. I guess I will always be their little girl.

9. What do you think of often?
"There's Only Me" - Rob Dougan
~ Uh, yeah!! lol OK, seriously, I'm not that self-centered.

10. What is 2 + 2?
"Hate" - Jay-Z, ft. Kanye West
~ So, 2-2 is love? I dunno...

11. What do you think of your best friend?
"Let Your Loss Be Your Lesson" - Robert Plant
~ Oh, Amen, Praise the Lord, Hallelujah! (you'd have to know the story behind this to fully understand)

12. What is your life story?
"Stand Up Comedy" - U2
~ Oh, iPod, you so funny. lol

13. What do you want to be when you grow up?
"Imagination Limitation" - Henrick Shawarz
~ Uh, translation, please. No, seriously. I think the song is in Swedish.

14. What do you think when you see the person you like?
"Worried Man" - Paolo Nutini
~ Oops, another iPod shuffle fail.

15. What will you dance to on your wedding's 4th anniversary?
"Blue Light" - Mazzy Star
~ Um, a little depressing for an anniversary.

16. What will they play at your funeral?
"A Call From the Vatican" - Penelope Cruz (Nine Soundtrack)
~ "Coochie coochie coochie coo..." Uh, I don't think so!!

17. What is your hobby or interest?
"Future Markets" - Jonny Greenwood
~ Yeah, I'm secretly preparing for when I finally leave the food industry behind to start working on Wall Street... NOT!

18. What is your biggest fear?
"L'Assassinat de Carala" - Miles Davis
~ Uh, more like my own assassination by one of my crazy customers!

19. What is your biggest secret?
"American Dreaming" - Dead Can Dance
~ OK, how did my iPod know I want to move to California?

20. What do you want right now?
"Distance and Time" - Alicia Keys
~ Oh, yes, please!!

21. What do you think of your friends?
"For Your Own Benefit" - Philip Glass
~ EW!! I think not! (this song is about satisfying needs, if you know what I mean)

22. When you're rushing to the toilet, what do you think?
"Never Change" - Jay-Z
~ More like gotta pee, gotta pee!

23. The person you hate the most is standing in front of you. What do you tell them?
"I Get Along Without You Very Well" - Chet Baker
~ Oh, h*ll, yeah!! iPod shuffle success!

24. You just won the lottery. What do you sing?
"The Money Train" - Nick Cave
~ Double h*ll, yeah! Woooo woooo!!

25. What will you post this meme as?
"Will You Follow Me" - Rob Dougan
~ Haha, yes! New blog followers are always welcome. :)

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Stupid Customer Questions

Happy 2012, everybody!!

Did any of you make New Year's resolutions? I think most people do, but it's sticking to them that's the tricky part. We start out with good intentions, then life happens, and suddenly we're back into the same old routine again. Oh, well... :)

So, in my last post I mentioned that I was going to put together a list of stupid questions that customers dared to ask me during the holidays. There were a whole bunch of them, but I'm only going to list ten and ask that you promise never to ask your local Bakery clerk these questions, ever.

1. Do you sell bread?

~ Are you f-ing making fun of me? This is the Bakery department. WTF do you think we sell, soap??!!

2. Did you bake today?

~ Again, are you f-ing making fun of me??!!

3. Do you have a cake counter?

~ Considering that you are standing right in front of it, yes, moron!!!

4. Is your fresh bread hot?

~ Yes, somehow it stays nice and hot all day long. Uh, no, stupid!!

5. Will you be baking hot bread on Christmas Day?

~ Oh, yes, just for you. NOT!!!!! We will be eating Christmas dinner with our families while you stand outside like the stupid idiot that you are waiting for God knows what!!

6. Do you slice baguettes?


7. What time do you open on New Years Day?

~ OMG, seriously?? HAHAHAHA??? WTF is wrong with you??!!!

8. Can I have 200 grams of ham?

~ Sure, and would you like a cheesecake to go with that?? Wrong department, dumba**!!

9. Do you sell wedding cakes?

~ Look, I know Christmas time is stressful, but you really need to stop sniffing pine scented Glade so you can think straight. I mean, for the love of God, does it look like we make wedding cakes??

10. Where can I find sliced bread?

~ Really?? Seriously, really?? LenseCrafters, idiot!! GET SOME GLASSES!!

- JB
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