Thursday, February 26, 2009

It's Done

If you've been following my blog for a while now, then you know all about my Ex and how I've been dealing since we split. You also know that I tried to cut ties with her completely last Fall, but it didn't last very long. Well, since then I'd been trying to bring myself to do it again and, thanks to Eddy, my new friend Indy, and the sheer power that I somehow managed to find inside myself, I finally did. It all went down while I was in the middle of working on a new blog post. There I was typing away, when up pops this online message from my Ex:

Sorry I didn't call you back yesterday, but I couldn't deal with you. I'm sorry. I'm too weak. I can't deal when you’re feeling down or sick.

I don’t know what happened to me, but those words pushed me right over the edge. I typed back to call me right away because I needed to tell her something, but she told me to tell her while we were online.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Is she f**king kidding me? It took all that I had not to throw the computer screen across the room.

I typed back that she’d better call me, otherwise I was going to get in my car and drive over there. Well, she obviously didn't want me to present myself at her door because the phone started to ring. I picked up and spoke before she even had a chance.

Me: You are the most selfish, inconsiderate, cruel excuse for a person. I will not let you treat me like this ever again. Today is the last day. I've let you victimize me, but not any longer. Weak… this is your f**king excuse, weak? I have had it with your excuses. I will take this no more. No more, that's it!!!!!!!

My Ex: That's not true. I just can't deal with you when you’re feeling bad. I'm not the person you should be talking to. I don't know how to deal with you. I did this to you. It's all because of me you feel this bad. I'm a bad person.

Me: So much for this friendship that's so important to you. Or, is it me that finds all this important? All you do is abandon me like you always have. How can you look at yourself in the mirror, you lying sack of sh*t? And him (i.e. HWSNBN), remember how he lied to the both of us, but you believed him? You believed he was protecting you from what I still don't get it. Oh, yeah, from you being close to me, that’s what.

My Ex: No, that's not true. I believed you. It was me, all me.

Me: Remember when I told you that he told me he’d listen to your conversations with your sister? Well, one night he told me, "JB, she's been telling her sister that she wishes you'd disappear out of her life… that she never wants to talk to you or be your friend." Was he lying or telling the truth? So many lies... it's all lies. You're still lying to me, but worse to yourself. You make me sick. You both make me sick. This is how you treat people? This is what I deserve?

My Ex: JB, please you don't understand.

Me: Protect the liar. Make excuses for your liar and yourself. It's easier for you to look in the mirror, to go through life living on your foundation of lies.

My Ex: Please, JB, I am the one who did all this. I did it.

Me: How do the both of you sleep at night after all that you've done to me? How do you look your liar in the eyes knowing how he got you to f**k him thanks to me filling his mind full of things about you? Remember when he touches you in that place that it's not him, it's me. It's me because without me he wouldn't have gotten into your bed, you lying b*tch. Enjoy yourselves because when the clouds clear from your murky head, reality will set in and then we'll see. Look in the mirror, look deep. It's me staring back at you from this point on. He knows you because he needed to betray me to get you into bed. Remember his lies and all your lies because this is the foundation that you have based your new life on.

My Ex: You don't understand me. You deserve more... better. You're so much better then I will ever be. I'm sorry.

Me: Yes I do. I understand what needs to be done and you’re not sorry, not one bit. You won't know what sorry is until you start to feel the pain you should have felt a long time back when you were getting rid of me from your life, and then you suddenly changed your mind & needed to have me in your life. You changed your mind like you can just go in and out... being friends one day, but then you’re out when it gets too hard for you. It's always about you and what you want, but today it's about me and what I need.

My Ex: JB, stop being like this. Please, you’re not feeling well. Your head… Please don't get upset. I don't want anything to happen to you

Me: Spare me your fake emotions. Save them for someone who actually cares.

My Ex: Please, don't you know how much I care? I'm being honest.

Me: Honest? Don’t use that word like you know what means. You’re still lying to me, but this is it. I don't ever want to see your f**king face or hear your f**king voice again. Never call me, e-mail me, or contact me in any way. Stay out of my life. You have killed me and killed the idea of love for me. I hate you so much. I hope that you spend the next part of your life suffering like you have made me suffer, you evil b*tch. I hate you both with all that I have and I hope that you and the little boy you’re f**king burn in hell.

My Ex: You don't mean this.

Me: Yes I mean every word!!!!!!! Leave me alone!!!!!! Never call me!!!! F**k you!!!!!!! You betrayed me, but most of all you betrayed the one thing that I held most dear, our friendship, you stupid childish girl!!!!! Get out of my life!!!!!

My Ex: Please, stop it. Please, don't do this. I will call you later. I will talk to you when you’re not mad.

Me: Are you f**king deaf? Don't call me ever, ever, ever! Are you not f**king listening to me? I will not be the victim in this mess you made me a part of. I am reclaiming my life without you in it. Get out of my life and stay out. I never want to see you again. That's it. Leave me alone. You have played your last games with my feelings. I will never let you treat me like an outsider, second class citizen, or a victim. I deserve better than this and you can't respect me, you evil b*tch!!!


There, I hung up and it was done. Well, almost. I picked the phone back up and called my cell provider in order to have her numbers blocked. I did the same for my home phone. Then, I called her parents, explained the situation, and said my goodbyes to them. Next, I deleted all of her e-mail addresses and her family’s information too.

As I sat there staring at my computer screen, I suddenly felt sick to my stomach and went straight to the bathroom to throw up. Somehow, it was as though my body was saying: there, now it’s done.


Monday, February 23, 2009

The End Is Near

Some of you have probably noticed that it’s been a while since I've written a restaurant related post. Well, I wanted to let all of you know that when I do sit down to write a new restaurant story that it will be from days gone by because, as of next month, I will no longer be in the restaurant biz. It's closing time for us, and we have two really good reasons for doing it at this point in time.

1. Besides the fact that my mother is no longer a spring chicken (but damn it the woman is tough), she needs major surgery on both her shoulders, ASAP. She has lost a lot of motion in her left arm and is really suffering with her right. Even with the surgery, she simply can’t work like she used to, and she shouldn't have to either. It’s time for her to enjoy her golden years before it’s too late.

2. Not long after my mother was told that she needed surgery, my sister was diagnosed with Lupus and degenerative disc disease. The combination of the two is more painful than she can put into words, and being on her feet all day long is only making matters worse.

In other words, there is no way that we can continue with the condition that those two ladies are in. If we do, one or both will likely end up collapsing on the kitchen floor and none of us want that to happen. So, closing is what’s in their best interest, and, honestly, I think it’s time for me to move on as well.

Looking back, we've been very successful, but there have been some very hard times too. After 20 plus years that we've been at it, letting go isn't easy, but at the same time there’s also sense of relief for us all. The life lessons that we learned will follow us wherever we go. I’m really going to miss the people that we got to know over the years, and the employees that have been with us for many of those years. I’m also really going to miss the family get-togethers that we had during the holidays, and whenever relatives would visit from out of town. So many memories, folks, so many memories...


Note: If you're new here and haven't read any of my restaurant related posts, I've listed all of them below. Please feel free to leave comments, if you wish. I'd love to hear from you.

To Plastic Wrap or Not To Plastic Wrap
Half Al Dente, Half Slightly More Cooked?
Laundry Guy vs. Bitter Sister
The Secret of the Sauce
Today I Watched
P.S. I Hate Alfredo!
Letters To My Customers
Letter To My Customers - Part 2

Friday, February 20, 2009

Customer Request of the Week: No Fat Salami

Remember when I blogged about the lady who came into the deli asking for shav-ed ham? Well, she came back, but not for ham. This time she wanted Salami. Sounds easy enough, but it got complicated fast.

Me: Hello (OMG, it's shav-ed ham lady), mam, what can I get you today?

Lady: I want some Salami.

Me: Alright. What kind would you like?

Lady: No fat Salami.

Me: (here we go, I thought, fighting back a laugh) Mam, there's no such thing as Salami with no fat.

Lady: Yes, there is.

Me: (just like there's shave-ed ham, right?) OK, but not at this deli.

Lady: Well, what Salami has the least amount of fat?

Me: None of them, really.

Lady: Well, that just won't do.

Me: I don't know what to say.

Lady: (no response... just surveying the deli meats behind the glass)

Me: Can I make a suggestion?

Lady: Sure.

Me: How about some Chicken Salami?

Lady: Excuse me? Did you just say, Chicken Salami?

Me: Yes. Chicken is lower in fat, so...

Lady: (leaning over the counter and whispering) What is Chicken Salami?

Me: (I can't believe she just did that) I don't know, exactly (picking up the Chicken Salami).

Lady: Is there really chicken in it?

Me: Uh, it says here (reading off the label) traces of beef and/or pork, mechanically separated chicken, starch...

Lady: No, that won't do.

Me: Alright, how about the Mustard Seed Salami?

Lady: Is that the one with the least fat?

Me: Yes.

Lady: OK, then. I'll take 200 grams.

What she didn't know was that I lied. I know, I was bad. I'm probably going to deli hell, but there is no such thing as no fat Salami. Just like there is no such thing as shav-ed ham. Seriously, lady.

Me: (walking back from the slicer) Here you go, mam. I hope this does the trick for you.

Lady: Well, like I said, it's not for me.

What? No she didn't.


Monday, February 16, 2009

OMG, I'm One of 'Those' Women

I've been reading the book He’s Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, and I’ve discovered something shocking about myself. It turns out I'm one of ‘those’ women. You know, the kind that can’t clue in to the fact that a certain someone just isn’t into them. Here I am reading the book because I heard that it’s really funny, meanwhile it’s just making me mad. The authors might be trying to help women understand the mixed signals that guys send out, but I can tell you that the signals are just as mixed up when it comes to women dating women. What’s really crazy is that my Ex behaved like a guy who wasn’t into a woman when we were together, and now she’s with a guy who really isn’t into her & she makes excuses for his behaviour. Whew, and I thought I was messed up.

Anyway, the more I read this book, the more I think about what Greg’s response would have been to me had I written to him with my story. I can just imagine his reply…

Dear Stupid with the Ex who doesn’t know which side she’s batting for & never will,

How many times do you need to be hit in the head with the penis of your ex-best friend? You know, the one that your Ex has been riding? Get a life before you have no more dignity left. No one is worth all this pain. She’s dug her grave now let her lay in it with the barely-a-man boy who chose to screw the bi/curious/gay/lesbian/straight/whatever the hell biatch!


Yeah, I’m pretty sure it would've gone something like that.


Friday, February 13, 2009

Customer Request of the Week: Least Fake Meat

This week was my first week back on my feet at the deli since my banana slip. I’m still pretty sore, but the dizziness has subsided for the most part. As long as I don’t make any sudden movements, I’m alright. I'll tell you who isn't alright though. It's a woman who came in and asked me a question that left me, well, stunned.

Me: Hi there, what can I get you today?

Woman: What’s the least fake meat that you have?

Me: (like I said, stunned) Ah… nothing really.

Woman: What do you mean nothing?

Me: Nothing means nothing.

Woman: Surely, there has to be something?

Me: Um...

Woman: Not all this stuff is bad.

Me: (it’s processed meat, lady) Some are better than others, but…

Woman: I need some meats for school lunches for my kids.

Me: Well, I would choose something from the more expensive meats (pointing them out for her). They cost a bit more, but are less processed, which means they have less nitrates & sodium.

Woman: Those are too expensive.

Me: (but you sure can afford that Louie Vuitton handbag you got hanging off your shoulder & the Burberry scarf around your neck) If it’s least fake meat that you’re after, this is it.

Woman: Hmm… this is more complicated then I thought.

Me: (just watching her survey the meats and thinking to myself, why, because if you spend too much on lunch meat, you can’t by a pair of new shoes today?)

Then, after a minute or so…

Me: (glancing at the line of customers waiting to be served) Mam, have you decided?

Woman: Yes.

Me: (finally) OK, what will it be?

Woman: I'll take 200 grams of chicken salami, 300 grams of mock chicken, and 200 grams of maple leaf bologna.

Me: Alright, I’ll get that ready to go for you.

Off I went to the slicer, thinking what the h*ll is wrong with some people? I mean, if she can afford designer fashion, surely she can afford to buy healthier food for her children. Seriously, for someone who wanted our least fake meat, she couldn't have picked something more fake than mock chicken. It’s "mock" chicken.

Me: (handing over her packages) There you go.

Woman: Thanks for all your help (what help? the help you ignored?) & sorry for keeping you. I see you've gotten busy.

Me: Oh, no worries. (just go already… go buy whatever it is that’s more important than what you feed your children)

Man, my head hurts...


Monday, February 9, 2009

Honesty Crap (no, that is not a typo)

I decided to do my very own version of an Honesty Scrap, but I'm calling mine 'Honesty Crap' because I think I’m really full of crap and it’s time I unload some of it instead of keeping it locked away like buried treasure. I hadn't been able to put my finger on what’s really bothering me lately until last night when I had this deep philosophical conversation with Eddy, my cuzz, the best cuzz in the world. You see, she slapped some sense into me and made realize some things.

1. I hate my Ex with everything I have inside me. I say I love her, but I really hate her more than anything in the world and I don’t want to forgive her, not now or maybe not ever. She is a mean, inconsiderate, selfish, belligerent, cruel, lying bitch who truly only cares about her self. This is how I really feel. I hate her with every inch of my core and she makes me sick to my stomach. All I want to do is throw up when I think about what she has done to me and what I continue to let her do it to me. I have let her continue to hurt me over and over again because I choose to let her do it, but today is a new day and I am not going to be the victim any longer. She hasn't treated me any better then she did a year ago or two years ago and it will never change. I will always be treated like an outsider, a second class citizen, a passing stranger. I will never be her equal and the sad thing is that she sees me as a victim and she is the one who victimized me all this time. She can actually make me feel like I’m the one who should be blamed when she speaks to me in the most inconsiderate voice as though I’m just this nobody she just met. Well, I will no longer take this kind of treatment from anyone. I will no longer be the stranger or the victim in her life or let her dictate my life and how I should feel or behave. F**k her!

2. I have no patience for liars or schemers or anyone who can’t be true to me or themselves. I hate ignorance and I hate lazy people. Laziness is the trait I despise most. It's something I can't stomach. If you’re lazy, you’re not going to mesh well with me.

3. My dream is to become a writer. Actually, it’s not a dream; it’s what I’m going to do if it kills me, literally. It’s what I always wanted to be besides being a rocker. If you don’t know this about me, I play guitar and I’m pretty good at it, or so my friends tell me. Either that or they’re good liars. I will write my book. I know this for sure. How I know I can’t tell you, but I will and I won’t stop until it happens.

4. I’m not a quitter. I never give up on anything or anyone... like with my EX, but she's finally broken the camel's back with her last straw. I never give up on myself. I have thrown in the towel a few times, but I've always gone back to get that towel.

5. This next one is hard for me to write, but I need to get this off my chest. For the last few months all I have wanted to do is kill myself. I feel totally out of touch with myself and my surroundings. The irony, however, is that I'm already dead because the one person I loved killed me a long time ago. I spent 14 years believing that she was my equal only to find out that she didn't even consider me in the end, and I have let the last 2 years slowly kill me from the inside out. I blame myself for all of this, and even though I don’t fear death (it’s me that I fear… me, this lost, lonely, sad women) I know that there is no way in h*ll that she is worth me killing myself. So, I will walk with my head up in the air and be proud.

6. I’m scared that no one will ever love me again because I fear letting anyone in. I fear being hurt. I fear I can never trust anyone with my heart or my soul. I’m actually really scared. It’s that simple. I’m scared and I’m even more scared to never feel love or be loved again.

7. I want to move to Paris to write my book, but I’m scared to leave my life here… scared even though I hate being here. This is something I need to do. It has been on my mind now for many years. Why Paris, I don’t know, but I need to go soon before it drives me nuts. This is my secret obsession. It drives me crazy all the time. I’m so drawn to go there. I know it has to be done soon, but I’m scared.

8. I have a passion for cycling that’s almost obsessive. My bike is an extension of me. When I go out riding I feel so free. I feel like I’m flying when I’m coming down the hills at 90 km an hour. If I die on my bike, I will die happy. Sometimes, I see myself crashing at those speeds and just flying arms spread open accepting my faith no matter what. I bike sometimes for 6 hours straight, none stop. I just go and get lost in the ride. I can’t describe to you how it feels.

9. I regret not taking my trip to France last year to do the tour of the Alps. It was all the mountain stages in the Alps that Lance Armstrong has done. It would have covered 1500 km in 3 weeks. I regret this so much & it’s something I really need to do. I didn't do it because I made excuses as to why I should stay or go -- work, money, my state of mind, moving, using my money for work instead of pleasure, buying a house -- based on the only choice I had, move out of my old place because I had shared it with my Ex & needed to get the h*ll out of there. I was stuck and needed a fast fix.

10. I need to stand my ground more with my friends and my choices when it comes to my life. It’s time to live for me and no one else. I need to let it all go and start to be myself. I’m tried of running from my own truths. I have done so much for others and nothing for me in a long time. I regret not being stronger in my choices when it comes to doing things for me and I know I can’t blame anyone else. I hold myself responsible for all my short comings.

11. I will never sacrifice my happiness for money ever again. I will not let money dictate my life or my choices. I will not have a job that I make money at so that I can live in a big house or whatever. I won’t be wealthy of wallet and poor of soul. I would rather be poor and happy, than rich and miserable. I have made this very clear to everyone. I will not be dictated by money. I will sell everything I have and so be it. I don’t need any of this. My possessions will not define me. How I treat myself & others is what matters. I don’t want to be remembered by what I have, but by how I conducted my self in my life and how I behaved towards others.

12. I want to be happy with myself as I paint this new picture I call my so-called-life.

13. I dream of the day love comes to me and holds me in its gaze. I will hear the words I love you and I will never hurt you. I will look at myself in the mirror and say I love you, JB, forever. It’s time that JB loves JB.

14. I've always wanted children and now I’m scared that it’s never going to happen because I spent so much time loving & believing that someone wanted to share this with me.

15. Although I accept the fact that I'm gay, it’s still hard and frustrating, and I've wished sometimes that I could just be someone else, but this is who I am.

16. I want to forget these last three years… just wipe them out of my head and start again, but instead I have to deal with all of it head on. Amen to me.

17. I believe in God & every night I kneel by my bed and say a prayer, but things weren't always this way. Nope, for a long time I hated God because in the bible being gay is a sin, but one day last Summer I didn't know where else to turn, so I turned to Him. I begged him to make the pain stop, but I’m still alive, so I guess there’s more that I’m supposed to be doing here on earth.

18. This is another hard one to write, but here goes. For the longest time I have slept with my cell phone under my pillow hoping that one night my Ex would call wanting to talk, to tell me she misses me, or that she just needed to hear my voice, but there haven't been any calls & I know there never will be.

19. I had this dream that I would marry the one I love and we'd have children & live this great happy life together, but I was so in denial that I couldn't see what was right in front of me, i.e. nothing. My dream was mine & mine alone.

20. My new mantra is 'I'm no one's victim' because it's time I reclaim my life & get my power back. I'm done being used & letting myself be used.

Well, there you have it, folks -- my honesty crap. You may think I’m nuts, but I don’t care. This is my blog after all, so I will write what I want. I’m not ashamed. Life is full of honesty ‘crap’ and sometimes you need to let it go.


Thursday, February 5, 2009

Lickity Split, Banana Slip!

Have you ever had your life flash before your eyes? Well, last week (the day after my trip to Ikea), I thought my life was over. I was at the deli, and, like most days, it was quite busy, but everyone was in good spirits & all was well right up to closing time... almost. You see, an hour before closing, I was about to go on a ten minute break, when I heard my co-worker say my name. He was about to tell me something, but I never got to hear what it was because I was suddenly air born, performing the most unbelievable banana slip ever. Up I went, down I fell, and then… nothing.

When I finally came to, I could hear voices all around me, but I still couldn't open my eyes to see or my mouth to speak. My co-workers kept saying my name and asking me if I was OK, but all I could do was lie there. I couldn't feel anything and I was terrified because the only thing going through my mind was when my best friend (my roommate) broke his neck in a freak accident when he was 16. He was training to go to the Olympics in platform diving (yes, he was that good), and his accident left him paralyzed for a year. In fact, he was told that he’d never walk again, but thank God the doctors were wrong.

Anyway, the more my co-workers talked to me, the more I started coming around, and I was able to open my eyes & ask them what happened. They told me that I'd slipped on some water (that’s what my co-worker was trying to warn me about before), crash landed on my head, and was out cold for a couple of minutes. Meanwhile, I still couldn't move anything below my neck. This is it, I kept thinking to myself. This is where my life ends, on the floor of a deli. I was so scared, I started to cry. One co-worker immediately got up to call 911, and the other did his best to reassure me that I was going to be fine.

As we waited for the ambulance to arrive, I calmed down enough to realize that I could actually feel something. My head was killing me! Then, slowly but surely, I started to feel everything all the way down to my toes again. (Thank you, God, thank you!!) By the time the paramedics arrived 20 minutes later, I was sitting up. After assessing my injuries, they wanted to see if I could stand up, so they helped me to my feet. OMG was I ever dizzy. So very dizzy that I threw up. (Gross, I know.) The paramedics sat me back down and told me that I definitely had a concussion and needed a CT scan. Well, the last place I wanted to go was the hospital, so I told them that I'd be fine and would go see my doctor in the morning. They said that I needed to get the CT scan done the next day for sure. They then gave me some Tylenol for the pain and told me to get someone to take me home & keep an eye on me for the next little while.

The next morning, after a night of practically no sleep (I was too busy having dreams about landing on my head), I rolled myself out of bed and just about fell flat on my face. "Hello, hello -- I’m at a place called Vertigo." Holy crap, I thought, am I even going be able to get my a** to the doctor today? Well, it took a while, but I did manage to get there in one piece, and then it was off to the hospital for my CT scan, where, by the time all was said and done, I spent almost 7 hours. SEVEN FREAKIN' HOURS!!!!!! Anyway, after reviewing the results of my CT scan, the ER doctor told me that I had a severe concussion & extreme whiplash. He also said that I was one very lucky woman. Translation: He couldn't believe that I hadn't snapped my neck when I landed on my head. OMG, I shudder just thinking about it.

Anyway, I was supposed to be off work for two weeks, but I went back after 5 days. I know, I’m stubborn, but I was going stir crazy. Basically, I’m doing as much work as one can do sitting down (ex. making sandwiches) because of the lingering dizziness. So, nothing too stressful, but work nonetheless. I’m just so unbelievably grateful that I was able to get up off that floor.


Monday, February 2, 2009

Two Legs Do Not A Table Make

Last week, like most weeks, we had a one-day-event snowstorm. It’s a toss up every morning when you wake up. You know that something nasty is on the way at some point during the week, you just don't know which day it's going to show up. I always peek threw my curtains like I’m spying on my neighbour, but really it’s because I'm scared to see what I have to face for the drive to work and back. Anyway, when I looked out the window that day, the snow was coming down so hard that I wasn't seeing much of anything. Just for the h*ll of it, I went to look out my office window, but it made no difference. Angry snow flakes the size of my head were falling fast & furious. So, I called work and told them that there was no way I was coming in and neither are any customers. My sister told me that almost all of our reservations were indeed cancelled and it was going to be an early night for sure.

Since I wasn't going anywhere, I decided it was a good day to clean the house, do some laundry, groom the cats, etc. When I stopped to look outside again, it was 2pm. This time the view was from my kitchen window. Snow was still coming down like crazy. I figured that I should probably go clear what was already piled up on the front steps before it got to be too much to manage, but the wind just about knocked me off me feet & the snow almost took my eyes out. Screw that idea, I thought as I backed up into the house and closed the door. Back to the laundry room...

When 3pm rolled around, I was done putting my house in order and thinking about what to do next. Take a nap, watch a movie, write my next blog post, read a book, go to Ikea... Yep, that's it, go to Ikea. You see, I'd been wanting to buy this cool white desk & chair combo plus these white organizer boxes

to transfer the stuff from my three boxes into new boxes (there is actually a fourth box too... stay tuned for that story... it’s a keeper) for a while, and I was ready to brave the insane weather for them. I know, I’m crazy, but Ikea is only a 20 minute drive from my house. So, I bundled up & headed out to my car. Wait, were the h*ll is my car? It was covered in so much snow, I could barely see it. I had to get a milk crate to stand on to clean it off. It took forever.

Finally, with U2's War blaring at me through my speakers, I was off to Ikea. Needless to say, it was bad. I was going 30km/hr and couldn't see 2 feet in front of me, but I wasn't turning around. I was driving blind to Ikea. I think they should send me a gift for almost loosing my life for a Vika Amon table, Herman chair, and Kassett boxes, or whatever nutty Swedish names they give their furniture.

Over an hour later, I arrived at my destination and I needed to pee, big time. As I pulled into the parking lot, it was clear that I wasn't the only crazy person who’d ventured out to Ikea. The place was packed and parking was a total disaster because of all the snow. Somehow, I managed to maneuver my car along side someone else's and then quickly made my way inside the store.

Got to pee… got to pee… got to pee…

After a trip to the ladies room, I marched myself right over to the warehouse section to collect my table top, legs, and chair. I had already written down the item location information beforehand, so it didn't take long. Next, I made my way towards the checkout because the white boxes were located near there, then I was good to go.

I waited in line about 15 minutes before my turn came up, and when it did the cashier had news for me.

Cashier: Sorry, this cash is for credit and debt cards only, Miss. See (pointing her skinny finger at the sign above her head)?

Me: Yeah (damn it), but I must be snow-blind and can’t see or read.

Cashier: You can go 2 cashes over.

Me: Great, and line up for another 15 minutes.

Cashier: Sorry.

I turned around and pushed my cart over two cashes. Luckily, I only had to wait a few minutes.

2nd Cashier: Did you find what you where looking for, Miss.

Me: Oh, yeah, I got my Swedish fix & I’m ready face the snow again

2nd Cashier: (giggling like I had just tickled her or something) OK, one table top, a chair, three boxes, a bag of Swedish cookies (I picked them up near the cash… couldn't help myself), and two legs. Just two legs?

Me: Yeah, that’s everything.

2nd Cashier: So, two legs only, right? Are you sure that this is all you need?

Me: Yeah, that’s it.

2nd Cashier: Are you sure you don’t need two more legs?

Me: No, I’m good. Thanks for asking.

2nd Cashier: (glancing over at the cashier beside her and giggling again because I was clueless, but didn't know it yet) OK, that’s $69.59, please.

Me: Cool (handing her the cash), here you go.

2nd Cashier: Thanks. Have a safe drive home.

As I was making my way to the exit, I could hear her and the other cashier still giggling away behind me, but I just didn't get it.

When I finally got home, I couldn't wait to set everything up.

Roomie: Hey, (watching me drag everything into the house) did you get what you wanted, you crazy Italian nutcase daring to go out in this weather?

Me: Yeah, come on. Help me get this stuff to the office.

We started by unpacking the pieces that we needed to assemble the desk. We laid everything out on the floor, and then…

Roomie: (looking at me and trying very hard not too laugh) Um, exactly how do you want me to put your desk together?

Me: What?

Roomie: (smirking) Where are the other two legs, Blondie?

Me: Huh? (and then it hit me) Oh... no! No! For f**k sake!

Roomie: (just laughing away)

Me: Sh*t, man, sh*t!!

Roomie: Do you want me to go cut a tree down to build the other two legs for you?

So, there we sat, laughing our a**es off as I told him the whole story.

Me: She kept asking me if all I needed was two legs.

Roomie: OMG, you’re an idiot.

Yeah, that'll teach me to go shopping in a snowstorm.

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