I can't believe it, but it's already been a week since I first told you about
the woodpecker that's been rudely interrupting my sleep. Thanks to my roommate convincing me that the freakin' bird would find a mate soon, I haven't taken matters into my own hands... yet. Instead, I've given the little sh*t a name, Paul the Pecker. Every morning at about 4:43am, Paul makes his way to the drain pipe outside my window and starts pecking away. Bang, bang, bang, bang... The sound rebounds through the walls & into my head. Bang, bang, bang, bang... GOD, HELP ME!!! I'm serious people. If you don't believe me, check out this quick video my roommate made of Paul doing his thing.
You see what I have to put up with? Well, that's not all. No, when Paul's done beating his love drum, he starts making these throaty kind of noises that make him sound like the ghost character in The Grudge movie. Can you say 'creepy'?? If I was a female woodpecker, there's no way in h*ll I'd go anywhere near him when he's doing that -- no way. He seriously needs to switch up his game because his current mating technique just isn't working. Maybe he needs to stop drumming. Yeah, I think he needs to start plucking away at the hydro lines or something. I'm pretty sure that women think guitarists are hotter than drummers. Am I right, ladies?
JB
Guitarists are hotter than drummers. Mos def.
ReplyDeleteThat woodpecker is bothering me and I don't even live with you! But I will tell you this much, if I did, my Cuban side would have killed that damn bird the first sign of messing with my sleep! lol.
Oy. That sucks.
ReplyDeleteLol. On it's own, guitar sounds better than drums - definately. Can you try to find recording of a female woodpecker calling and run it from somwhere far away from your house?
ReplyDeletePersonally, I have a thing for drummers, but this --- yikes! Have you tried greasing the pipe so he can't hang onto it? Or would that not be an option?
ReplyDeleteDon't they have slingshots or bee bee guns in Canada??
ReplyDeletePaul must die. He's simply gone too far and must be stopped before someone else is disturbed at that hour!
What the heck is he pecking at the pipe for? Get a room!!! Damn pecker bird.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Michel. Shoot the pecker!!!
Will it return if you just scare it off?
ReplyDeleteI think all joking aside you cant actually just kill it....
Haha! This post reads like something from the blog Fuck You, Penguin. You should go there and check it out! ;)
ReplyDeleteOn a more serious note, isn't there a wildlife protection group that could relocate him for you?
That bird needs to go. Seriously.
ReplyDeleteYou need to help this poor sap out and play some barry white. That will get the lady woodpeckers going. Maybe 'use me up', too, but only if absolutely necessary.
ReplyDeleteHi all, it's Eddy here posting a comment that LL&L made earlier today when this post was first published & we were having some technical difficulties with the video. Enjoy!
ReplyDeleteFrom LL&L:
That is so funny. My mom just told me that she went to a dog park on a date. Her love interest likes to bird watch and started telling her about the mating habits of birds, how the male will chase the female to get her attention so he can dance for her.
Within minutes to birds flew past them, one chasing the other.Finally the female stopped and was looking for food. The male would run up to her and start doing "the snake". She would walk away and continue looking for food. This cycle went on a couple of minutes until 3 other males flew in trying to get the girls attention. They were all in a circle dancing up a storm when one caught her eye and they flew off together.
Maybe you should tell Paul he needs to work on his dance moves and give up drumming. That way he can be silently horny as you peacefully slumber.
P.S.- I read your comment on Don't Be A Slut and was really moved. You are also a obviously generous and kind person. I wish there were more bloggers like you around, instead of the ones that try to tear other down.
Oh my fucking goodness that is the funniest thing I have seen for a long time. His little rhythmic thing right at the start "ta-ta ta ta ta ta" wow. That would drive you BONKERS!!!!
ReplyDeleteHey I love your blog, just started to read and you're extremely funny :P I'm gonna be reading more!!
xx milla/velvet
Hahaha, if Paul start playing guitar with the HydroQuebec wires, I think it will be the end of his career.
ReplyDeleteI feel sorry for you because Paul's music is crap. That's why he cant find a mate.
Maybe you should take him to some drum class or vocal class...
OMG, that video! That's so funny. And so awful.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, but that MF'er needs to die. He'll be happier in Pecker heaven where people will apprecite him.
I'm pretty sure that women think guitarists are hotter than drummers. Am I right, ladies?I should very much hope so!!!! :)
ReplyDeleteHi, I have just become a follower of your blog. your blog is so honest and that is inspiring. As for the woodpecker, they can be annoying as hell. Take it from someone who has a sleep disorder.
ReplyDeleteOh and guitarists are hotter than drummers.
@stef..if you lived here I'm sure stef you'd smack this pecker right up side his pecker head...bang bang..tap tap tap...ahhhhh...I hate drummers.
ReplyDeleteLove You
JB
@Craig...OY....yeah really annoying for the love of god...I hope things are good with you and thanks for dropping in on me and my pecking life.
ReplyDeleteHuggs
JB
@libertine...hahhahaha I never thought of that. Good idea but I have to find the pecker a date. I don't see him looking out for me....NOOOOOOOO he just bangs his pecker on my pipe...where's the love for me there ain't any..god dammmm Paul....thanks for the help...He needs to be plucked off my pipe.
ReplyDeleteHuggs
JB
@Rita...lube up the pipe... hahahha that's so funny. Maybe I can lube up the pipe start dancing off my pole outside and he'll just freak when he see's me doing my pecker dance hhaahahahha..Rita you rock.
ReplyDeleteLove
JB
@michel....yeah they have all that stuff but I just read your post What's for Dinner and I concluded that maybe you should send me a doggy bag and I'll just feed that plate of God knows what the freaking hell it is to him instead. God do you actually eat that merde?....Thank God for Canadian bacon EH!!!!!!!.
ReplyDeleteYou rock the house Michel and thanks for following my little blog.
Lots of Love
JB
@hit40...he has a room...it's my bedroom window for the love of god. He just can't give that pipe anymore love that evil spawn from pecker hell....thanks for the help but he's very good at banging.
ReplyDeleteHuggs
JB
guitarists? oh yeah, without a doubt!
ReplyDeleteI say put Paul and yourself out of your misery and just shoot the little bastard. They taste like meatloaf. HA! Thought I was gonna go for the cliche, didn't ya?
ReplyDeleteHAHAHAHAHA!
ReplyDeleteAgreed. I loove watch guitarist's fingers = SEXY. Whenever my friends and I watch a band, they automatically look at me cuz they know EXACTLY what I'm looking at :P
I do kinda have a thing for drummers, not gonna lie. But he could drum elsewhere and let you get some shut eye huh?
ReplyDeleteKill the little (would-be) f*cker! On the drummers vs guitarists though - I do have a thing for drummers.
ReplyDeletexxxx
Prometheus: Can't kill him, can't scare him. All I can do is pray to God he finds a woman pecker soon. God, please soon.
ReplyDeleteSvasti: Thanks for the "Fuck You, Penguin" blog. Love it! As for relocating Paul, I don't think so. Damn it!!!!!!!!!!!
Liz: Do you want him?
JP: Woodpeckers getting it on to Barry White... hmmmmmm...
LL&L: Maybe I need to start blaring Barry White from my window afterall... I wish he'd f**king start dancing his a** off already.
Milla: Thx for coming by & leaving a comment. Paul is driving me beyond bonkers. I am now going to hell b/c... well, stay tuned. BTW, I tried your blog, but it's by invite only. Am I VIP enough for you? lol
LazyKing: If I could actually catch him, I'd put him in a drum & start banging it really hard, so he could finally see what it feels like to be me.
Chrissy: Forget heaven, he deserves to go to pecker hell!
Jerry: Yeah, I figured you would. *wink wink*
Cinner: Thx for coming by & leaving a comment. Vodka & JD are great for sleeping. Peckers, not so much. I have grocery size bags under my eyes to proove it.
Shadow: Peckers, no way, without a doubt.
ReplyDeleteChris: Why are you eating woodpeckers??
Rica: Fingers, eh? Hmmm....
Amanda Grace: Do you want him??
Anna: Do YOU want him?? Dead or alive, he's all yours.
I have told my hubby about your plight and he came came up with quite a good solution. Hang a soft toy cat and hang it on a pipe or maybe more difficult but definately will work, spray cat's urine on the pipe.
ReplyDeleteLibertine: I want to thank you & your hubby for your help, really I do. But, wow... I mean, how do I get my cats to spray the toy in the first place??? Do I put on some Barry White & then tickle their special parts to make them go???
ReplyDeleteDrummers are hotter. Except Ringo Starr.
ReplyDeleteThat bird is LOUD. Can you hose it down to 'encourage' it away?
I, for one, do not think drummers are especially hot.
ReplyDelete@chosha...nice to see you again. Hope things are going well for you. Ringo Starr not so much I agree. Hosing bird down not going to work, he's too smart and if we make too much noise he's gone...dammmm pecker.
ReplyDeleteHuggs
JB
@thomas...I for one like guitarists way more and I hate drummers at this point in time.
ReplyDeletePeace
JB
Oh man, that would drive me CRAZY! It might be worse than our construction workers!
ReplyDelete@Lilu...man I'd rather see buff construction workers then listen to this f**king bird from hell.....and I don't even like construction men but I'll take anything but Paul's pecker....god dammmmm it.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for becoming one of my nutty followers....and loving paul.
Huggs
JB
lmao!! Damn i would not be able to sleep with that noise.
ReplyDeleteBad Paul!!
I hope he finds his mate sooner so you could have a good night sleep.
Take care and God Bless.
@karen...thanks for the blessings but Paul is going to need God more then me if he dosen't get his ass off my drainpipe soon.
ReplyDeleteHuggs
JB
Thanks for the visit. Nice to see new faces making comments on my nutty life.
I took a picture of my little pecker and tried to post it but it wasn't letting me! The video of Paul is exactly what my woodpecker is doing! Willy the woody is what we are calling our guy.
ReplyDeleteWe heard from someone that putting vapor rub on the spot that the bird is pecking will get it to stop but I don't know if that is harmful to the bird or not (not that it matters at this point because we are ready to kill the freakin thing!)
What is the deal with the friggin drain pipe! You would have to think that it's head is rattling off of it's neck everytime it pecks METAL not WOOD! Go peck the friggin WOOD! It hasn't even made a dent in our drain pipe....ugh! I wanna find where Willy lives and just shake his nest at ungodly hours when he is trying to sleep!
crawfo41: Vapour Rub... hmmm... Seriously, though, you would think that pecking the pipe can't possibly sound good to them either. What the h*ll do I know, though? Maybe they do like it, or they simply endure it b/c the sound travels more than if they were to peck wood & so they have greater chances of attracting a mate (not that it's working for Paul or Willy). Either way, it sucks for us, so those damn peckers have got to go!!!!!!!
ReplyDelete