To Kill A Woodpecker - One Week Later

I can't believe it, but it's already been a week since I first told you about the woodpecker that's been rudely interrupting my sleep. Thanks to my roommate convincing me that the freakin' bird would find a mate soon, I haven't taken matters into my own hands... yet. Instead, I've given the little sh*t a name, Paul the Pecker. Every morning at about 4:43am, Paul makes his way to the drain pipe outside my window and starts pecking away. Bang, bang, bang, bang... The sound rebounds through the walls & into my head. Bang, bang, bang, bang... GOD, HELP ME!!! I'm serious people. If you don't believe me, check out this quick video my roommate made of Paul doing his thing.

You see what I have to put up with? Well, that's not all. No, when Paul's done beating his love drum, he starts making these throaty kind of noises that make him sound like the ghost character in The Grudge movie. Can you say 'creepy'?? If I was a female woodpecker, there's no way in h*ll I'd go anywhere near him when he's doing that -- no way. He seriously needs to switch up his game because his current mating technique just isn't working. Maybe he needs to stop drumming. Yeah, I think he needs to start plucking away at the hydro lines or something. I'm pretty sure that women think guitarists are hotter than drummers. Am I right, ladies?

JB

To Kill A Woodpecker

Guess what?

I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN FOUR F**KING NIGHTS!!!! FOUR F**KING NIGHTS, PEOPLE!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!

There is a woodpecker that's been pecking away at the drainpipe that runs along the side of my house just outside my bedroom window. F**K!!!!!!!!!! I am not happy, not happy at all, and I hate that damn bird with all of my f**king might right now. My roommate thinks it's funny because he can't hear a damn thing from his room. Nope, only I've had to listen to that freakin' bird beating it's f**cking love drum (explained below, just stay with me) at 4:30am. As if I want to get up at the crack of piss-crow with the little pecker. STOP IT!!!!!!

Anyway, this morning, while I lay in bed thinking about how to kill the damn bird, my roommate came to tell me that he figured out why it's been pecking away (at my sanity).

Roomie: (knocking on my bedroom door)

Me: Yeah, come in.

Roomie: (entering) Hey, so, the woodpecker is still with us.

Me: No shit, Sherlock. I can hear the little bastard.

Roomie: Oh, yeah, he's right by your window. I can’t hear him, sorry.

Me: Sorry, my a**. What the h*ll do you want, really?

Roomie: I know why he's doing it. I Googled it.

Me: (if looks could kill, the guy would be dead, the smarta** little sh*t) Please, do tell, since you're sleeping so well.

Roomie: He's looking for a mate.

Me: So, what, am I supposed to care about his lack of lovers? Get the h*ll out of here.

Roomie: He's mating. It's cute, don’t you think?

Me: Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!! You insane idiot!!!!! Tomorrow morning, I'm going to open my window & start throwing all the knives from my $1000 knife set at that bird until I hit him dead on his bird face!! Do you hear me??

Roomie: You can't do that. Birds are protected animals. JB, you need to calm down.

Me: Protected??? Calm down???

Roomie: You can't just start throwing knives out the window. What about the neighbors?

Me: The neighbors?? What about my sleep, health, sanity, you freakin' moron!! Screw them! Think of yourself, or I’ll throw you outside.

Roomie: I emailed the lady at the newspaper.

Me: (did he just say newspaper?) What? Why? So, she can bore the bird to death with the local news? Or, maybe she plans to beat him to death with the paper?

Roomie: No, she's a bird expert. She told me the reasons.

Me: Seriously, dude, go f**k yourself and her too. Get rid of that bird, or I’m going Rambo 1, 2 and 3 on all your a**es!

Roomie: Maybe the bird will find a mate before that happens. Besides, I like my a** & I need it for mating. (he starts laughing)

Me: (giggling at how totally stupid funny he just was) Well, woodpecker lover, the little sh*t has 24-hours to get his pecking packed and gone with his new mate, or else....

Roomie: JB, you can't kill it.

Me: Why, are you going to stop me?

Roomie: I’ll figure something out, I swear to you. I know when you say something, you’ll do it. Just please don't, OK?

Me: Like I said, you got 24 hours, or I'm coming to you at 4:30am and banging up on your bedroom window, naked, with my box right in full view. Are you getting a visual, hmm??

Roomie: Oh, for the love of God, not your box!

Me: Yeah, the box... all Brazilianed (is that even a word? whatever...) and nice just for you. Are you still liking that bird now? 24 hours... that’s what you have.

Back downstairs he went and got on the phone with God knows who to figure out what to do about the woodpecker. Meanwhile, what do I hear as I'm rolling out of bed to make my way to the bathroom? Pecking. PECKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm telling you, people, that bird is dead. D-E-A-D... dead.

JB

My Blanket of Sadness

It’s 1 o'clock in the morning and, as usual, I can’t sleep. Only, this time is different than most sleepless nights because tonight I dug out my blanket, the one that I have been hiding for the last few weeks. My blanket of sadness... the one that consists of the last three years of my life woven into one tangled & messy weave, otherwise known as the life of a depressed person trying to hide from all the hurt and pain that she's experienced because of a failed relationship with the one person who she thought would never fail her... the one person who she thought would love her forever.

Tonight, my blanket of sadness has a strangle hold on me, and it won’t let go. Sitting at the edge of my bed crying like my kitten just died, I realize that the hurt is still there no matter what, and my blanket is the only thing that gives me comfort. The agonizing thought that two people who played a cruel & unthinkable game with me could be sharing a bed together makes me want to move to another country, just so I never have to witness the mockery of this affair. Someone tell me how you can live a truth that was based on lies to start off with?

On the floor by my feet, there's a puddle of tears surrounded by Kleenex. It's a familiar scene that I thought was finally over, but I guess my blanket of sadness is wrapped around me tighter than I thought. I have been trying to store it away permanently, and hope I will soon. For now, I need to cover my face because my tears feel like acid, and my eyes are burning. I need to say this: I hate them both with an undeniable passion, and wish them pain & suffering for the rest of their lives. This may sound mean, but it's what I feel... it's the hurt talking. Some people would probably say worse. All I know is that I need to release it. The sadness is only a temporary thing that will fade as my wounds heal.

I know that I may declare love for this woman in some of my posts, but there is a thin line between love and hate. You can’t draw the line properly because it’s blurred. We love as hard as we hate, and I am living proof of this. I have forgiven myself, but tonight I hate this overwhelming feeling of loosing control. Something has taken over my heart, and filled it with the hate that I am trying to unload.

Why are you here tonight, sadness and hate? Why are you strangling me? Are you reminding me that I am alive and need to feel all that is in me?

Wrapping the blanket tighter, I feel secure that I will finish this, and then get to sleep like a child. I miss that kind of sleep so much. Maybe, I will dream of the love that once cared for me, who held me in her gaze for hours and watched me sleep. I miss her as much as I hate her. My heart and soul ache for her touch, her lips, her love.

My blanket of sadness is holding the hurt, sad, betrayed, and somewhat depressed women deep within me... the woman who never once gave up on her love, yet whose love gave up on her in a heart beat because a half life was easier to settle for than a full life. It's sad what people will do to fit into the structures dictated by others.

JB

Radiohead, Sleepless Nights, and Me!

I've been listening to Radiohead all morning. Well, since 5am. Couldn't sleep. Don't sleep much these days. I specifically chose the In Rainbows CD. It happens to be one of the best Radiohead CDs in my music collection. I bought the box set with the vinyl record, which is so awesome. The second CD is just as good. The songs that I love best are Nude, All I Need, and House of Cards. I think that Thom Yorke has an insight that most musicians dream of having. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of great bands out there, but Radiohead really speaks to me. You don't have to be a fan, but everyone should take a listen to them at least once. I would start with In Rainbows, then Amnesiac, Kid A, OK Computer, and finish with Hail to the Thief. It would be a good musical experience. In fact, iTunes has finally introduced the whole Radiohead catalogue, including some rare British EPs, which is great. So, check them out on iTunes. It'll be worth the listen. While you're there, check out a Radiohead video with Thom Yorke on piano doing a rendition of the song Down Is the New Up (it's on the second CD in the In Rainbows release). Great song and video. There is also a video of him on YouTube doing an acoustic version of the song The Rip from the new Portishead CD called Third. They're another great band that shouldn't be overlooked. Both versions of the song are good. The video for The Rip by Portishead is so beautiful. Check it out on YouTube.

Meanwhile, I found the Radiohead lyrics to the three songs that I love from In Rainbows. Check them out below.

JB

********************************************************

Nude

Don't get any big ideas,
They're not gonna happen
You paint yourself white
And feel up with noise
But there'll be something missing

Now that you've found it, it's gone,
Now that you feel it, you don't
You've gone off the rails

So don't get any big ideas
They're not going to happen
You'll go to hell for what your dirty mind is thinking

She stands stark naked and she beckons you to bed
Don't go, you'll only want to come back again


All I Need

I'm the next act
Waiting in the wings
I'm an animal
Trapped in your hot car
I am all the days that you choose to ignore

You are all I need
You are all I need
I'm in the middle of your picture
Lying in the reeds

I am a moth
Who just wants to share your light
I'm just an insect
Trying to get out of the night

I only stick with you
Because there are no others

You are all I need
You are all I need
I'm in the middle of your picture
Lying in the reeds

It's all wrong
It's all right
It's all wrong


House Of Cards

I don't want to be your friend
I just want to be your lover
No matter how it ends
No matter how it starts

Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine
Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine

Fall off the table
Get swept under
Denial, denial

The infrastructure will collapse
Voltage spikes
Throw your keys in the bowl
Kiss your husband goodnight

Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine
Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine

Fall off the table
And get swept under
Denial, denial
Denial, denial
Your ears should be burning
Denial, denial
Your ears should be burning
Denial, denial

*67 This, Biatch!

It's 3 o'clock in the morning, and it's my fourth night of no sleep. I'm feeling a little mad and jittery. I got a real hate-on for the Ex-girlfriend and the ex-friend. Ex-girlfriend lives with ex-friend. Yeah, she fell on his penis by accident & they both forgot to tell me about it until a year and half later.

Anyway.... I took it upon myself to*67 their asses six times. That's right, *67. If I can't sleep, why should they get to be deep in slumberland while I contemplate how freakin' tried I am of their bullsh*t? Sleep deprivation does crazy things to the mind. I was dialing the number wondering what I would say if she or he answered, but then it dawned on me that he's a freaking stoner & couldn't wake up if you dropped a bong on him, especially at that hour. Meanwhile, she wouldn't go down a flight of stairs to answer a phone if there wasn't a gift waiting for her at the end of them. So, I dialed and redialed.... No one answered, but I felt really good because there was still the hope that I at least woke her up.

I never would have thought of myself as *67 kinda girl, but I liked it a lot. I thought, why not? It's there to use, right? Someone must have come up with *67 when they had a hate-on for their ex, so why not use it for the purpose that it was invented for? Thank-you, *67, for finally helping me get some sleep.

JB