(Original post date: Saturday, August 9th, 2008)
I am filled with an emptiness that’s larger than an ocean blue across a vast horizon. Talking does not make me feel better. It only hurts more when the words don't come as easily as one may think. Talk, but nothing is coming out, only emptiness is left.
I can't express myself, can't find myself in this skin suit I'm wearing. I am only a shell of who I used to be. Where have I gone? Where do I begin to look for me?
Shall I light a fire so that I can find my way home? Shall I send out a message in a bottle? It's hard to describe to someone how you feel when you can't feel it yourself and the words have disappeared into the darkness of your mind.
Darkness is falling over my soul... the soul of a lost child, trapped in a grown woman’s body and who has never experienced childhood. I have absorbed the sins of my father and mother, and have been lost in their hell.
I want to escape this world, leave it for a beautiful paradise... fly up to the sky, release my chains into the wind, and be free... escape to that quiet place I so desire to find, where I can smell the scents of the earth all over my body and let it blanket me.
I would love to sleep and not wake... slumber deep into the night... drift into a place of limitless air, breathe warm breaths of heaven, and lie down in a pillow of fresh dew.
I have nothing left in me. I am being drained slowly day in and day out. Soon, I will be a shell of who I was, unrecognizable to me or you... nothing left but my hollow corpse of dried blood, cracked flesh, and broken bones.
What used to be has to end. Nothing is as it was. Let go and go forth without hesitation... love and be loved... stay strong and never look back.
I, you, we are only one, and one we will always be.
JB
If I was there I'd give you a Big ol hug!!
ReplyDeletexoxoxoxo!
Im here for you!
Gorgeous posting. I relate to so much of what is written here. I will try to locate Drifting Thoughts after writing this. Many of us who live in darkness take heart that we can communicate about it. I think it is more encouraging to know there are others out there who are listening. And RELATING. Keep up the wonderful, and healing, work!
ReplyDeleteEFH
This is what I love about you, JB - how you're laugh-out-loud funny, yet with a melancholy streak. Both traits that you express with razor sharp precision. ....and if anything's troubling you, I'm here for you.
ReplyDeleteAnna
xx
wow..
ReplyDeleteJB this was soo deep...
Hope you are ok?
Huggssss!!
:(
Hi J.B. I understand..sometimes the world and everything in it seem to take over, somehow inner strength prevails, Maybe your cake decorating course is troubling you, whatever it is you can overcome it...there are dark days and remember always lighter ones ahead. Take care.Big Hugs
ReplyDeleteThat's some damn fine writing, JB. I am humbled.
ReplyDeletefirstly, thank you for the honour of blog of the week. wow. thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
ReplyDeleteas for your writing, the words, the sentiments, the desires, echo in my soul. all too familiar. thankfully they come and go. and time is a healer. hugs and love my dear friend!
Sounds like your acetylcholine system is out of wack.
ReplyDeleteOh, and now don't you wish you'd become a cake ninja instead of cake nazi student?
ReplyDelete@Miss Stef.....thank-you it feels good.
ReplyDeleteJbxoxox
@EFH.....thanks for the kind words. I can dig deep and when I do this is what appears. I'm not afraid to feel sad. If you don't feel it your never going to heal it....so keep feeling it's the only way. I feel sorry for all those people who bury they're true feelings inside themselves so deep that they start to decay from the inside out.
ReplyDeleteMuch Love
JBxoxo
@Anna...your so spot on when it comes to me. I have two sides funny and sad but like I said to EFH,
ReplyDelete"If you don't feel it your never going to heal it"....so keep feeling it's the only way.
Thanks Anna for your kind words you made my day.
Love You
JBxoxo
@Indi.....thanks beautiful I'm good. Just feeling the pain of the past and letting out so I can continue to heal. I hope your good. It's so nice to see you drop by. I missed you.
ReplyDeleteLove You Lots
JBxoxoxox
@Cinner...to be honest the cakes are making me so bored out of my tree. I actually hate it. It takes alot for me to hate something but this cake business is giving me nightmares. As for this post like I said to EFH and Anna,
ReplyDeleteIf you don't feel it your never going to heal it....so keep feeling it's the only way.
Thank-you for the words it makes it easier to have all you guys for a support system and this blog is my saving grace.
Love
JBxoxxo
@Chris...thanks a lot and your one fine good man. Thanks for always reading my posts it means a lot to me. Have a good day and keep keeping on.
ReplyDeleteHuggss a lot
JBxoxo
@Shadow...your very welcome. I love your writing and you inspire me to better myself and to heal from all the wounds that have been caused by the ones I loved and trusted.
ReplyDeleteHealing takes time but forgetting will be impossible. These memories of the hurt will always be there . I'm just learning how to put then aside so that I can move on and forgive myself. It's me now that I focus on and not them.
Love so short forgetting so long....Paulo Neruda
Love You Lots
JBxoxoxo
@JS or Mr. JP......thanks for the kind words but your right my system is a little out of whack. As for the Ninja training Dammmmm....your right I should have not trained with that CN biatch but now I'm there so be it.
ReplyDeleteHuggs
JB
You inspired my posting today. Please come visit.
ReplyDeleteBest to you - and thanks for the grand inspiration!
EFH
Oooh. Beautiful post :)
ReplyDelete@EFH..........I'm so happy that i could inspire you. I will be by in the morning to visit. This is what i love about blogging the help that we all give each other it's fantastic.
ReplyDeleteHuggs alot
JBxoxoxo
@Rica......thanks for loving my post. Hey nice to see you. Hope things are going well for you.
ReplyDeleteHuggs
JB
This is bittersweet JB, heartbreakingly beautiful. I too, know that feeling of wanting to fall asleep and never wake up. Sometimes it is all too consuming.
ReplyDeleteMissing you x
What an interesting blog! I would love to add one another as followers. Just let me know OR add me and I will then add you! Just our trying to network with other creative souls.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully poetic. Hope you're not feeling sad. If I dance for you, will you feel better?
ReplyDelete@Katieleigh.....i miss you too more then you can imagine. I'm sorry I haven't been aound as much as I should but I will catch up to you I promise my sweet kangaroo. I'm happy you like this it came from way deep inside me. I can be funny but when I'm sad it's really who I am.
ReplyDeleteThanks for always caring it means alot to me Katie I hope you know this. Your in my thoughts everyday and you hang in it's going to get better I promise.
Love you lots
JB
@Loma......thank-you for coming by. I have added you as a follower and I also really like your blog. Please drop by as often as you want the blog door is always open.
ReplyDeleteHuggs
JB
@Chrissy...thanks for the offer but you know that saying be careful what you wish for....lololol. If you dance for me and I like it then what??????
ReplyDeleteLove you
JB
Wow, JB, thanks for the recognition! I appreciate it very much.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, we have you penciled in for a shampoo and style for next Monday at 1:30. And you'll get a free bottle of conditioner if you ask for Francois.
@Chris...your welcome but can I get a perm instead with Francois he sounds delicious and so not my type.
ReplyDeleteHuggs
JB
as dark as some of the tones were... this was really beautiful JB
ReplyDelete@Rob...thanks sweetie. I know you can read right thru me. Hope your well and happy.
ReplyDeleteLove
JB
I hope you are doing better. Big hugs from Atlanta.
ReplyDeleteHow are you dear? So good to hear from you! I hope all is well for you. Please keep in touch ;)
ReplyDelete@Peach...all is well when you got a free ticket straight to hell sitting on your desk.....thanks I'm as good as it gets for the time being.
ReplyDeleteHope all is well in beautiful Atlanta. Have a great week-end.
Love
JBxoxo
@Court...you take good care of yourself love. Have a good move and I will always stay in touch. Drop by when you can to see me.
ReplyDeleteLove
JB
Ok... I found my cat on the sidebar!!! LMAO!!! I will link back to you tomorrow. What a fabulous idea high lighting a favorite blogger each week!!! Very cute.
ReplyDeleteYou made my day :-)