Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Letters To My Deli Customers

Remember when I wrote Letters To My Customers and Letters To My Customers - Part 2 because my restaurant clientele was driving me bonkers during Christmas time last year? Well, now some of my deli regulars are getting on my nerves, so I think it's time for my first installment of Letters To My Deli Customers.

Dear 'Numerically Challenged' Customer,

I'm so sick of you not knowing how much meat you want every time I have to serve you. If you come to the counter and ask for ham, your answer to my question "How much would you like?" should be something like 12 slices or 500 grams, not 'I don't know' or 'Well, how much do I need for 6 sandwiches?' or anything else that requires me to figure out your sh*t for you. Seriously, how the h*ll should I know how much you need for 6 sandwiches? Some people like a lot of meat, some people like only a couple of slices. So, think about how you like your sandwiches, and then DO THE F**KING MATH BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE!!!


Dear 'Dieting' Customer,

You really need to stop telling me that you're on a diet every time you come in because, honestly, I don't care. I mean, WTF are you doing in a deli in the first place? Do you think we have diet deli meat or something? Well, news flash, lady, we don't. So, if you have any intention of sticking to your diet, set your sights on the produce section of your grocery store & STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY COUNTER!!


Dear 'Time Challenged' Customer,

When you approach the counter and I say that I'll be right with you, I mean I'll be right with you. In other words, unless I’m done serving the person ahead of you, I'm not going to take your order, OK? So, stop giving me dirty looks, rolling your eyes, sighing loudly, flaring your nostrils, and doing whatever else you think will make me drop what I’m doing to focus on you because you're in a rush. Last time I checked, I'm not your deli b*tch, nor is it my f**king problem that you can't manage your time properly. Either find a way to get your a** to the deli when you don't have somewhere else you have to be, or DON'T BOTHER COMING AT ALL!!


Saturday, March 28, 2009

Machine Therapy: Argh, Blendie, Argh!!

I was just over at Rob's blog (I featured him last month) reading his latest post, and I just had to share it with all of you. Let's just say that Eddy and I couldn't stop saying "OMG" and laughing and crying the whole time we watched the second video posted below. Seriously, folks, it's so wacky, there are no words.

Before you start watching the videos, let me give you a little info on the woman who's in them. Her name is Kelly Dobson, and she's a PhD candidate at M.I.T (clearly, she must be intelligent) who's developing something called Machine Therapy. Sounds interesting, right? Well, when you see these videos, I'm fairly certain your reaction will be.... Oh, never mind. On with the show!

Still with me? Good because this second video is going to freak your freak. So, what do you guys think? JB P.S. For more about Kelly & what she's working on, check out her website.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Sing The Song

Liquor on my lips
Fills the time
Meaningless nights

Tell the story
Stabbing – jabbing
Pushing – pulling
Reminding me...

Stop it!
Stop it!
Stop the voices
The noises
The song of hate

The lying words
Hurt me
Trash me
Lash out at me
When will it end?

I feel lost
I feel alone
Seems to be the theme
The sad song
Sung for so long

I am the song
The anthem of despair
In the night sky
Like smoke in the air

Looking, longing
Wondering, waiting
For tender time
Love time
All the time…

A strange song
A painful song
A heartbreak tune
At the full height of the moon

My eyes to the sky
Wipe my tears
Lights out

© 2009 JB. All rights reserved.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Customer of the Week: She-Man

I've been bringing you customer requests of the week for a little while now, but today I'm going to switch things up because it wasn't the request that struck me, but the person making the request. At the time, I was headfirst in the deli counter fridge organizing the hams, so I didn't even see this person coming. I just heard tapping on the glass, and that's what made me look up. Standing there was… Well… I have no idea.

She? He? Pat from SNL? Seriously, I couldn't tell, and her/his googly eyes (you know, one eye that looks one way, while the other is looking for God knows what), were only adding to my confusion. She-Man, I thought to myself, trying to look as natural as possible as I attempted to make a more accurate ID.

She-Man: Good morning, how are you today?

Me: (Holy freakin' Darth Vader voice!!!!!) Ah, good (liar, liar, pants on fire). How can I help you?

She-Man: I would like 500 grams...

Me: ('Luke, I am your father.')

She-Man: ...of Black Forest ham.

Me: (focus, JB, focus) OK, shaved or sliced?

She-Man: Hold on there, little lady. I'm not done giving you my order.

Me: (OMG, please don't eat me!! Isn't it bad enough that your James Earl Jones voice just about gave me a freakin' heart attack a few seconds ago?) Oh… OK.

She-Man: What's the big hurry? Are you trying to get rid of me?

Me: (yes… slowly backing away from the counter as She-Man starts laughing at her/his own joke in the deepest, most robust laugh I have ever heard ...holy crap) What else can I get you?

She-Man: I'd also like 400 grams of mock chicken, and 500 grams of turkey, the seasoned kind. That's it.

Me: (catching the 'ha, ha, sucker!' expression on my co-worker's face coming at me from the corner of my eye) No problem. (he better quit it before She-Man notices, or we're deli meat) Will that be shaved or sliced?

She-Man: Shaved, of course.

Me: (you could use a shave) Of course...

As I stood there shaving the meats, I glanced as inconspicuously as possible over the slicer trying to make a positive gender ID, but her/his generic green sweatshirt & black pants gave me little to go on. Suddenly, She-Man caught me looking with her/his wondering eye and gave me a little smile that made me shudder right down to my toes. There were no pearly whites in her/his mouth, just a whole lot of yellow. I half smiled in return, and then focused my attention back on the slicer.

As I placed the first package of deli meat on the counter, She-Man grabbed it faster than I could blink. OMG, I have never seen such huge hands!! They could have covered my face and suffocated me.

She-Man: Thanks, that's great.

Me: (just nodding as I made my way back over to the slicer)

She-Man: You're new here, right?

Me: (uh oh, an observation that can only mean one thing --- it wasn't She-Man's first visit to the deli, and not likely the last) Yes.

She-Man: I know because I shop here all the time

Me: (my fear confirmed) Great.

She-Man: Where do you come from?

Me: (I think the real question is where do you come from?) Here. (not much of an answer, but the less specific, the better)

She-Man: Oh, good.

Me: (clearly less specific was the way to go) Here you are (placing the other two packages on the counter).

She-Man: (practically taking my hands along with the deli meat) Thank you. You're a good clerk. I liked your service.

Me: Um, thanks for the kind words.

She-Man: (leaning over the counter and whispering) I don't like the other girls that work here. They stare at me. I know this for a fact.

Me: (gee, I wonder why, I thought, holding my breath as I backed away ever so slightly) I'm happy you enjoyed my service. (now, please go because I'm terrified you might ask me out)

She-Man: See you again soon.

Dear God, please, no.


Monday, March 16, 2009

Helping Out: Find Baby Thor Wang

Do you know how many children go missing each year? According to various sources I've consulted, the number is over a million. A million... Let that sink in for a minute. Mind boggling & heartbreaking all at the same time, isn't it? Well, today I'm helping fellow blogger, Anna, spread the word about Thor Wang, a toddler who went missing back in February of this year.

For more information, go to Find Baby Thor Wang. If you can help, please do. It's a small step that could make a big difference.

If you want to read what Anna had to say about Thor, check out her post called What This Bond Means.


Friday, March 13, 2009

You Know You've Had Too Much To Drink When...

This post was inspired by Rob's 'The eMorning After' post. My days of falling down drunk are long since over, but I do have some memories from those crazy times (aka, my young & stupid days). All I can say is you know you've had to much to drink when...

1. … you wake up with a meatball sandwich plastered to your back. (Don’t ask because I have no idea how that happened.)

2. … you wake up and there's a guy in your bed, but you don’t swing that way. (Well, only for Beckham...)

3. … you wake up lying face down on a full length mirror. (I don’t know why, but feel free to use your imagination if you want.)

4. … you wake up to find a message on your answering machine from some angry guy (he obviously had call display) who said that you woke him up at some God forsaken hour screaming, “I hate you... you lying bitch, whore, slut!” (Oops, sorry, dude.)

5. … you get into bed naked thinking it's your room, but you actually just climbed into bed with your parents. (Just imagine what my parents had to say about that the next morning...)

6. … you wake up in bed with twin sisters. (Uh… hmm... no comment.)

7. … you wake up with a grilled cheese sandwich plastered to your chest. (Again, it just floors me how food just gets in places other than my mouth.)

So, any of you want to share now? :)


Monday, March 9, 2009

Blog Awards: Spreading The Love

A couple of weeks ago, I was awarded three awards by both The Passionate Bookworm & Pink Loves Paris (thanks again, ladies!!), but I never did get around to passing those awards on to 10 people of my choice or posting the badges on my blog. Well, Eddy finally kicked my butt into gear the other night and told me to make a list so we could get the blog up-to-date. Selecting who I wanted to give the awards to was easy. Narrowing down my list of 20 names to just 10 was the hard part.

The Honest Scrap Award (given to people who write honestly in their blogs)




The Lemonade Stand Award (given to bloggers with great attitude & gratitude)




The Friend Award (for bloggers who aim to find and be friends & who aren't interested in self-aggrandizement)



Amanda Grace


Go spread the love!


Friday, March 6, 2009

Quit Mocking Me!

Not long ago, I told you about the woman who came to the deli asking for our least fake meat. Meanwhile, she ended up buying one of the most fake meats we have – mock chicken. Well, she is one of many who come in daily to buy mock chicken. It’s our most popular deli meat. We sell 2 to 3 blocks of it a day. I often wonder if these people know what it’s made of, or if they just don’t want to know. Personally, I like to know what I’m ingesting, so I read labels. This is what’s listed on the one for mock chicken:


Mechanically separated meats (turkey and/or pork), pork and/or beef, water, modified milk ingredients, salt, modified corn starch, soy protein, monosodium glutamate, sodium phosphate, sodium erythorbate, spices, sodium nitrate, wheat flour

Nutrition Facts per 100g:

Calories - 250
Fat - 21g (32% daily value)
Saturated - 7g
Trans - 1g
Cholesterol - 40mg
Sodium - 1280mg (53% daily value)
Carbs - 5g
Fibre - 0g (0% daily value)
Sugars - 3g
Protein - 11g

What do you guys think? Would you eat the stuff? If you already do, will you ever eat it again now that you know what's in it?


Monday, March 2, 2009

25 Things

Have any of you been tagged to reveal 25 things about yourself? It happened to me a few weeks ago, but I never sat down to compile a list. My friends have been hounding me ever since, so I guess I better get to it.

1. I love ice cream sandwiches so much, I can eat a 12 pack in one sitting.

2. I love vampires. You’re probably thinking, JB, they don’t exist. Yeah, well... bite me.

3. I hate people who are there for you only when it’s convenient for them.

4. I used to shoplift when I was a kid. I even started my own shoplifting gang and gave pointers on how not to get caught.

5. The most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me was waking up on a park bench with nothing on except my underwear. Don't ask. Just know that it was during my young & stupid days.

6. I think David Beckham is freakin’ hot and I would totally have a fling with him if he was so inclined.

7. I love candy.

8. Throwing up gummy bears scares me. Long story...

9. I hate people that interrupt in the middle of a conversation. Wait your damn turn, already!

10. My mom has the scariest pictures of me & she needs to be silenced before she starts showing them around. (Love you, mommy!)

11. I’d love to be blog of note, but seeing as there are God-only-knows how many blogs out there, I think my chances are slimmer than slim to none.

12. I really do believe that people should consider, as the saying goes, walking a mile in another person's shoes before they pass judgment.

13. I hate liars.

14. I once slept with a hooker (another escapade from my young & stupid days), but I swear I didn't know until after the fact.

15. Also, for the record, I didn't pay her, nor was there a second time.

16. I don’t like the colour green.

17. I don’t like the colour grey much either.

18. I usually sleep naked.

19. I didn't learn how to drive until I was 25.

20. I could really use some TLC these days.

21. I don’t like climbing stairs with no backs (ex. fire escapes). They freak me out.

22. I've never been to Disney World.

23. I've haven't let anyone that I didn't feel a connection with sleep in my bed.

24. I hate people who can't commit to anything.

25. Blogging feeds my soul, and I so appreciate all of you out there who take the time to come by and leave comments. From my heart, I thank you one & all.

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