Letters To My Deli Customers

Remember when I wrote Letters To My Customers and Letters To My Customers - Part 2 because my restaurant clientele was driving me bonkers during Christmas time last year? Well, now some of my deli regulars are getting on my nerves, so I think it's time for my first installment of Letters To My Deli Customers.

Dear 'Numerically Challenged' Customer,

I'm so sick of you not knowing how much meat you want every time I have to serve you. If you come to the counter and ask for ham, your answer to my question "How much would you like?" should be something like 12 slices or 500 grams, not 'I don't know' or 'Well, how much do I need for 6 sandwiches?' or anything else that requires me to figure out your sh*t for you. Seriously, how the h*ll should I know how much you need for 6 sandwiches? Some people like a lot of meat, some people like only a couple of slices. So, think about how you like your sandwiches, and then DO THE F**KING MATH BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE!!!

Thanks,
JB

Dear 'Dieting' Customer,

You really need to stop telling me that you're on a diet every time you come in because, honestly, I don't care. I mean, WTF are you doing in a deli in the first place? Do you think we have diet deli meat or something? Well, news flash, lady, we don't. So, if you have any intention of sticking to your diet, set your sights on the produce section of your grocery store & STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY COUNTER!!

Thanks,
JB

Dear 'Time Challenged' Customer,

When you approach the counter and I say that I'll be right with you, I mean I'll be right with you. In other words, unless I’m done serving the person ahead of you, I'm not going to take your order, OK? So, stop giving me dirty looks, rolling your eyes, sighing loudly, flaring your nostrils, and doing whatever else you think will make me drop what I’m doing to focus on you because you're in a rush. Last time I checked, I'm not your deli b*tch, nor is it my f**king problem that you can't manage your time properly. Either find a way to get your a** to the deli when you don't have somewhere else you have to be, or DON'T BOTHER COMING AT ALL!!

Thanks,
JB