Monday, June 4, 2012

In Pursuit of Happiness

I know its been a few weeks between posts. Eddy's been super busy and I've been super dizzy, so we are just now able to sit down together and update you guys on what happened after my visit with the clinic doctor.

Since my diagnosis went so very well (uh, not!), I thought I'd get the h*ll out of dodge. I took ten days off work and went to spend time with the Russian thinking that the change of scenery would make me feel better.

Well, three days into my splendid vacation I was sucked full force into the world of dizzy and having a h*ll of a time trying to find my way out. The Russian started pumping me full of herbal remedies straight from her grandmother's old book of family recipes. The stuff tasted like sh*t, but I think some of it actually worked a little bit. I certainly appreciated her care and attention. At least she wasn't using Google!

Anyway, seeing as the Russian was not on vacation, I spent most of those ten days off by myself and did a lot of thinking about my life. Actually, thinking is all I've been doing pretty much for months now -- thinking about where I'm at, what I'm doing, what I want, etc, etc -- and I've realized that I don't really know where I want to be or what I want to be doing. I know I hate my job, which is hard for me to even admit, but I admit it. I thought it was my manager because I just don't get along with her, but this really is a case of "it's me, not you" -- or, I guess it's me, not her.

Anyway, I think you know what I mean. Bottom line, my free time spent spinning all the livelong day has made me take a good hard look at myself, and the question that's been nagging at me is this:

How do I get to a place that makes sense for me and is actually real, versus just imagined in my mind?

My job is not going to define me, nor is what I own or the people I surround myself with. And, no matter how many excuses I come up with, the only person impeding on my growth is me. I cannot blame my mother, sister, boss, God or anyone or anything else. If I want to be happy, I need to start making choices that make me happy and not everyone else. I need to follow through on everything that I want to do, no excuses, and to take my health more seriously. This is the only way I will ever reach that place where my SELF can be fulfilled.

Are you guys feelin' me? Not literally because that would be weird, but you get where I am coming from, people?

I'd appreciate your feedback.

Over and out,

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