Monday, May 25, 2009

Tagged! - 50 Random Questions

I never thought I'd actually start a tag, but Eddy sent me this, and so I'm going to fill it out & pass it on.

Tag rules for 50 Random Questions:

1. Name & link back to the person who tagged you
(since I am starting the tag, that's me & you're already here, so no link necessary)

2. Answer & post the 50 random questions on your blog (see below)

3. Tag some bloggers to play along by naming them at the end of your post & by leaving them a comment on their blog letting them know that they have been selected to answer 50 Random Question

(I picked ten people, but feel free to pick however many people you want)

OK, here are my answers...

1. Where were you 3 hours ago?
In bed

2. Who are you in love with?
Um... Penelope Cruz

3. Have you ever eaten a crayon?
Yes... I like the red ones

4. Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?
Yes... a t-shirt

5. When is the last time you went to the mall?
A month ago... too damn busy at work to go to the mall

6. Are you wearing socks right now?

7. Do you have a car worth over $2,000?

8. When was the last time you drove out of town?
Last year

9. Have you been to the movies in the last 5 days?
No, but I really want to go see Angels & Demons

10. Are you hot?
Of course I'm hot! What kind of question is that?

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?

12. What are you wearing right now?

13. Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?
Neither, I let the rain do it

14. Last food that you ate?

15. Where were you last week at this time?

16. Have you bought any clothing items in the last week?
No... too damn busy at work to go shopping, remember?

17. When is the last time you ran?
Umm... when I was trying to get away from the bunnies

18. What's the last sporting event you watched?
Tour of Italy (cycling... Lance Armstrong)

19. What is your favorite animal?
Cat... meow

20. Your dream vacation?
Paris, France

21. Last person's house you were in?
My mother's

22. Worst injury you've ever had?
Hands down my lickty split, banana slip

23. Have you been in love?
Does with the spawn of Satan count?

24. Do you miss anyone right now?
Yeah, of course... doesn't everybody miss somebody?

25. Last play you saw?
A Midsummer Night's Dream

26. What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex?
I don't need a weapon... I am the weapon

27. What are your plans for tonight?
Depends on how tired I am

28. Who is the last person you sent a MySpace message or comment?
A band that asked me to check out their tunes

29. Next trip you are going to take?
I can't say for sure, but I want to go to Montreal

30. Ever go to camp?
Camp like band camp? Nope

31. Were you an honor roll student in school?
H*ll no

32. What do you want to know about the future?
Nothing... I like to live in the now

33. Are you wearing any perfume or cologne?
Yes... Prada

34. Are you due sometime this year for a doctor's visit?
Yes... got to get my head scanned again... lickty split, banana slip, remember?

35. Where is your best friend?
Currently sitting outside with his clay mask on, beautifying himself

36. How is your best friend?
Soon to be pretty, sometimes witty, but mostly gay

37. Do you have a tan?
Nope, I'm currently as white as Casper, but that will change as soon as I get some time to go cycling

38. What are you listening to right now?
Franz Ferdinand " Tonight" & the Soundtrack to "Angels & Demons"

39. Do you collect anything?
Music & Movies

40. Who is the biggest gossiper you know?
My sister

41. Last time you got stopped by a cop or pulled over?
A few weeks ago... I was in a hurry & had to make a call

42. Have you ever drank your soda from a straw?
I hate straws

43. What does your last text message say?
'She's as dumb as a post'

44. Do you like hot sauce?
Only on women

45. Last time you took a shower?
Alone or with somebody?

46. Do you need to do laundry?
Damn right... I got six piles on my floor

47. What is your heritage?

48. Are you someone's best friend?
Yeah, I'm the best friend of the soon to be pretty, sometimes witty, but mostly gay guy who's currently sitting outside with his clay mask on beautifying himself, remember?

49. Are you rich?
Only in soul, baby, only in soul

50. What were you doing at 12am last night?
I was in bed, dreaming of cookies...

Tag, you're it:

* Anna
* Liz
* Jammmie
* Katie Leigh
* Roberto
* Rita
* Expat From Hell
* Miss Stefanie
* LazyKing
* Cinner

I'll be coming around to see what your answers are, so don't disappoint me. lol

No pressure, right? :)


Tuesday, May 19, 2009

In The Closet

Back in December, I had this heated conversation with my Ex that I was going to blog about, but I never did. I wrote the draft & Eddy looked it over for me, but it was never published because I finally decided that I was done with her. Anyway, when I decided to feature Stephanie's blog this week, I remembered that I still had the post saved in my drafts, and thought that I'd post it now. You'll have to go over to Stephanie's blog to really understand why.

OK, about the conversation. Well, it was rather long, so I'm going to sum things up for you by saying that it all came about based on something that my Ex told me towards the end of last Summer. Basically, she said that I just have to deal with who she is now. I know what you're thinking because it's what I was thinking, i.e. exactly who is she now? So, I asked her to explain herself…

Me: OK, wtf are you trying to tell me? Spit it out.

My Ex: You don't understand what's happened to me.

Me: Oh, I'm sorry. Where have I been all these years, in the closet?

My Ex: What closet? What do you mean?

Me: This is going right over your head, isn't?

My Ex: (in a screeching voice) I’m straight now! I'm straight now – that's it!

Me: (totally laughing my a** off, thinking she's so far back in the closet, she can see Narnia)

My Ex: Stop laughing at me. Stop it!

Me: Please, you're not straight and never have been. It's time you accept that you’re bi.

My Ex: Stop it, JB, you don't understand me.

Me: (laughing) Stop lying to yourself. You're bi and that’s it. When you come to terms with your sexuality maybe then you'll stop yelling at me about who you really are.

My Ex: This was hard for me.

Me: What? F**king your guy friend because you couldn't leave your little nest to f**k a real man?

My Ex: Stop it! I don't want to hear this.

Me: Oh, that's it, huh? I can only say what you want to hear?

My Ex: Stop.

Me: Let me tell you something, screwing your guy friend doesn't make you straight.

My Ex: Please, I know what I did.

Me: OK, you're straight now, but for 14 years you were not straight, not bi, not anything?

My Ex: I’m sorry.

Me: Oh, yeah? OK, go be straight with your dirty, pot smoking, little boy.

There you have it, people. My Ex claims that she’s straight now. Oh, yeah? Well, just to make sure that I wasn't in my own little world with regards to how things went down, I called my therapist for another point-of-view. Turns out what I had to say did make sense, so that’s a relief. My therapist said that if my Ex has to justify her sexual orientation with me, it's a clear indication that she's confused. Furthermore, for her to spend 14 years with a woman and then suddenly claim to be straight is a lie. She's bi-sexual and simply can't deal with her sexuality.

Yes, my thoughts exactly.


Friday, May 15, 2009

I Dream of Deli

I don't know about you guys, but I've been having some major a** kicking weeks at work ever since the weather has warmed up. People keep coming in droves like we're the only deli in the city. I'm soooooooo freakin' tired, I want to cry. Wahhhhhh!! Seriously, I almost fell asleep driving home from my mom's the other night. I had gone to have dinner with her after work & could barely keep my eyes open driving back to my place. When I finally did get in the door, I went straight to bed (screw showering, I thought to myself, it could wait until morning), and pretty much passed out the second my head hit the pillow.

Now, ideally, sleeping straight though to the next morning would have been awesome, but my mind just had to make its usual detour through dreamland where anything bizarre can, and usually does, happen to me. The good news is that that there were no bunnies in sight this time around. Whew! Not so good, however, was the fact that I... umm (if you guys don't already think I'm nuts, you're all going to think that I'm totally crazy now) ...was lying totally naked inside the deli counter that I so beautifully organized earlier that day. Yup, I had my head leaning up against a block of mock chicken & a variety of other meats were strategically placed on or around certain parts of my body. Go ahead and consult your imaginations for visuals, I'll wait.

********** Done? OK, good. Hope you enjoyed yourselves. **********

So, there I was... naked... and the deli was packed with people ordering cold cuts like they were going out of style. Every time one of the clerks would slide open the counter doors, I would hand them whatever meats they needed. At one point, Lucky (one of my co-workers) opened the doors to ask if I was cold. You'd think I'd be freezing my a** (among other things) off, but I actually told him that I was fine. So, he quietly slid the doors shut and went back to slicing meat as though what I was doing was totally normal. The customers & I weren't phased either. They just smiled & waved at me as they waited to be served, and I just smiled & waved back like it was all in a days work.

The dream went on like that for quite some time & all was well. Nobody cared that I was lying naked as a newborn inside the deli counter. Nope, nobody, including me. Well, at least until I did. All I can say is that I started feeling really uncomfortable, but I didn't know why. I looked around and nothing appeared to be wrong. Everyone was still smiling & happy as far as I could see, but I just kept feeling like something wasn't right. All of a sudden, my mind presented me with a vision & it wasn't pretty. What I saw was She-Man approaching the deli counter (cue scary Jaws music), and I knew I had to get the h*ll out of there before she/he showed up, stripped off her/his clothes, and jumped in with me. It was in that moment of total panic that I woke up, and thank God for that because I don't think that I could ever erase the sight of She-Man naked from my mind. No, that is one picture that I never ever want to have burned into my memory, thank you very much.


Monday, May 11, 2009

Paying It Forward

As most of you know, I had a dream that I'm supposed to help my co-worker, Jade. Well, what you don't know is that since then I have in fact been trying my best to connect with her. Of course, the thing about helping people is that, in the end, they need to want to help themselves. So, no matter what I say or do, nothing is going to change for Jade until she's ready, and that could take a while. You see, Jade might only be 24 years old, but she hasn't had it easy. Her past relationships have all been abusive & she used drugs to numb her mental, physical and emotional pain. Needless to say, life was awfully messy for Jade, and might still be today had she not given birth to a son three years ago. Now, he gets her through each day, but that doesn't change the fact that Jade’s still hurting. So, while the experiences that caused us pain might be different, pain is still pain, i.e. it hurts no matter where it comes from, and I believe that's where Jade and I will finally come to an understanding. This is why I'm not giving up on her, even though she says she doesn't like me & throws her guard up at every turn. No, I'm going to keep paying forward the support, understanding, encouragement & so much more that was offered to me when I needed it most, and I’m going to help her realize that she is an exceptional woman who hasn't even started scraping the surface of her potential. Somehow, I'm going to get through to her, and she will finally see that there are people in this world with hearts larger then she's ever known.


Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day!

In honour of Mother's Day, I thought I'd post this funny little ditty that always resurfaces via e-mail around this time of year.

Things My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that’s why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going
to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on. Don’t you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You’re just like your father."

23 My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you’ll understand."

25. My mother taught me JUSTICE.
"One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

To all you mom's out there, I salute you!


Thursday, May 7, 2009

Letters To My Deli Customers - Part 2

Dear 'Allergic To MSG' Customer,

I think you're under the impression that I'm an allergy specialist masquerading as a deli clerk because only you come in every week asking me questions about what you can and can't eat. Is there MSG in Brie? Like I told you before, no, there isn't. What about in Camembert? For the love of God, lady, no! But, I can't eat Parmesan. Yeah, I know, you told me 50 times. So, there's no MSG in Brie or Camembert? NOOOOOO, damn, it, NO!!! I mean, exactly where do you think we get our Brie & Camembert from, The Golden Dragon Restaurant down the street?? Please, lady, do me a favour and educate yourself about food, so you can stop being such a pain in my a**, OK? Or, better yet, JUST STAY THE H*LL AWAY FROM ME!!


Dear 'Metric Conversion Challenged' Customer,

Why can't you get it through your damn head that 100 grams and 1 pound do not weigh the same thing? Seriously, every bloody time you come in I have to tell you. Are you that freakin' dense? For the love of God, pal, use Google to get a clue, or ask someone smarter than you to explain the difference in itty bitty baby steps until it's permanently seared into your memory. Then, as I told 'Numerically Challenged' customer, DO THE F**KING MATH BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE, PLEASE!!!


Dear 'Never Know What You Want' Customer,

Why the h*ll can't you make a grocery list before you leave the house? If you don’t know what you want when your turn comes up at the counter, please let the next person go ahead of you, instead of hemming and hawing about how you don't know what to get your kids, or your husband, or whether you want salami or chicken, or blah, blah, blah. CAN'T YOU SEE THAT YOU'RE HOLDING UP THE LINE AND PEOPLE ARE GETTING MAD???!!! Do you have any idea what it's like after you leave and I have to deal with those people that you pissed off? Believe me, it’s not pretty. So, either you start figuring out what you want before you show up, or STAY HOME!!!!!!!


Monday, May 4, 2009

Get A Room!

The other day, I was over at Rob's blog reading his post about a couple caught having sex in a dumpster, and it reminded me of a similar story involving my mother. Get your heads out of the gutter, people. My mother is not a dumpster diver (at least as far as I know), but... Well, let me start at the beginning.

One night at the restaurant (FYI - if you're new here, my family used to be in the restaurant biz), this couple came in and we knew right away that they were the touchy-feely kind. This meant that they would be there all night because they'd be far too busy pawing at each to concentrate on anything else. How they managed to get through dinner without sitting on each others laps is still beyond me. Seriously, they were two bj's short of a porno & we thought they would never leave. Anyway... after four hours of petting, stroking, tonguing, and God knows what else (it's not like we could see under the table with the tablecloth draped over it), they finally asked for the bill & paid. Other than my mother who was going to do some prep work before calling it a night, the rest of us were ready to go home, so we headed out thinking that the lovers would soon follow suit. Well, the next day my sister and I arrived at work to find out that we were mistaken.

Mother: I have something to tell you.

My sister and I looked at each other with our 'Uh oh, we're in sh*t for something' faces and prepared for the worst.

Mother: You know the lovers that were here last night?

Me: Yeah.

Mother: Well, those lovers were really in love after you guys went home.

Me: (looking at my sister wide-eyed, then back at my mother) O... K...

Mother: I go to the door with them when they leave. I say thank you, good night, see you soon, and then I lock up.

Sister: OK.

Mother: Then, I go back in the kitchen to do my prep work.

Me: Yeah...

Mother: Before I finish, I think I need to go take out the garbage because you guys forgot.

Me: OK, and then what?

Mother: Oh, the lovers, they in love very much. Too much for me to handle.

Sister: Ma, you're killing me. Come on.

Mother: So, I go outside with the garbage, pulling the can because it's too heavy for me to carry. I making a lot of noise too. You think someone would hear me.

Me: And???

Mother: I see beside the garbage (she means the dumpster) that someone left their car. Maybe they take a taxi home, you know.

Sister: AND???!!!!!!!

Mother: I see white.

Me: White what??

Mother: I see a naked culo (that's slang for 'ass' for all of you who don't know Italian).

Sister: WHAT?

Mother: And then I see another one.

Me: WHAT??

Mother: They having sex beside the garbage.

Sister: WHAT???!!!!!!!!

Me: On the ground????

Mother: Yes, and I ask them what's a matter with them and why they do this outside.

Me: OMG!

Mother: And I ask them why they don't go in the car if they don't go home. They say they very sorry and that they going to leave. I tell them they better go because I call the police.

Sister: Holy sh*t , ma!

Mother: I no understand these people. What happened to the bed... the old fashioned way?

Me: (taking the opportunity to tease her) Oh, ma, you're so old school. Did you and Daddy make me in the bed?

Mother: (totally serious) That's not your business!

Me: So, did you see it (don't make me spell out what it is, people)?

Sister: (grinning) Yeah, ma, did you?

Me: (watching my mother blush & turn away from us towards the stove) You did! OMG, you did!!!

Mother: OK, enough, go back to work.

Sister: (laughing & teasing) No, not until you tell us if you saw it or not.

Mother: No, that's enough, I say. Get to work.

All day long we teased her. LOL The poor woman. Seriously, though, what the h*ll is wrong with some people? Sex in a dumpster... beside a dumpster? For the love of God, folks, get a room!!!! If you can't get one, beg, steal or borrow one, please!!!


Friday, May 1, 2009

Tagged! - (Un)important Things

I can't believe it's already Friday, can you? This week went by in flash.

Anyway, turns out I'm 'it' in a game of (Un)important Things tag, so I better get going.

The rules are as easy as A-B-C:

A. Name & link back to the person who tagged you

B. List six (un)important things that make you happy

C. Tag six bloggers & let them know they're it by leaving them a comment

I was tagged by Libertine (aka Magdalena) over at The Untamed Thoughts on Autism. She's the lovely lady who awarded me the Neno's award last week. Thanks again for the honour!

Six (un)important things that make me happy are:

1. Espresso coffee
2. Bike rides
3. My fellow bloggers
4. Milk moustaches
5. Poetry
6. Art galleries

Tag, you're it...

Anna - A Storm in a Wine Glass

Jerry - I Know What I'm Doing

Rica - Embrace the Laughter

Chris - Maugeritaville

Michel - Facts Are Strictly Optional

Lorenzo - Crowned With Laurels

Have fun!

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...