Remember when I blogged about the lady who came into the deli asking for shav-ed ham? Well, she came back, but not for ham. This time she wanted Salami. Sounds easy enough, but it got complicated fast.
Me: Hello (OMG, it's shav-ed ham lady), mam, what can I get you today?
Lady: I want some Salami.
Me: Alright. What kind would you like?
Lady: No fat Salami.
Me: (here we go, I thought, fighting back a laugh) Mam, there's no such thing as Salami with no fat.
Lady: Yes, there is.
Me: (just like there's shave-ed ham, right?) OK, but not at this deli.
Lady: Well, what Salami has the least amount of fat?
Me: None of them, really.
Lady: Well, that just won't do.
Me: I don't know what to say.
Lady: (no response... just surveying the deli meats behind the glass)
Me: Can I make a suggestion?
Lady: Sure.
Me: How about some Chicken Salami?
Lady: Excuse me? Did you just say, Chicken Salami?
Me: Yes. Chicken is lower in fat, so...
Lady: (leaning over the counter and whispering) What is Chicken Salami?
Me: (I can't believe she just did that) I don't know, exactly (picking up the Chicken Salami).
Lady: Is there really chicken in it?
Me: Uh, it says here (reading off the label) traces of beef and/or pork, mechanically separated chicken, starch...
Lady: No, that won't do.
Me: Alright, how about the Mustard Seed Salami?
Lady: Is that the one with the least fat?
Me: Yes.
Lady: OK, then. I'll take 200 grams.
What she didn't know was that I lied. I know, I was bad. I'm probably going to deli hell, but there is no such thing as no fat Salami. Just like there is no such thing as shav-ed ham. Seriously, lady.
Me: (walking back from the slicer) Here you go, mam. I hope this does the trick for you.
Lady: Well, like I said, it's not for me.
What? No she didn't.
JB
Wait what! Not for her. She is crazy. I bet she takes it home to feed it to her 20 cats.
ReplyDeleteFantastic! This post just made my (very late) night... had some very loud belly laughs at this end!! ;)
ReplyDeletehahhahah! No fat salami and shav-ed ham? Is this lady from another planet?
ReplyDeleteThank you for reminding me why I left retail (and will hopefully never go back).
ReplyDeleteAnd I'll just bet that you smiled as sweetly as you could, put that 200 gram package of Mustard Seed Salami in her fat little hands, and stifled a laugh as you watched her waddle away. Am I even close?
ReplyDeleteP.S. You should have asked her if she wanted it shav-ed. That would have been a hoot!
tehe! I love these stories.
ReplyDeleteStupid shav-ed ladyyyy
What a hoe lol
ReplyDelete<3
-Gina
She seems like a real character-- As annoying as it probably was for you, I think she sounds funny. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteSo funny, This could be a comedy skit. Next time she comes in you should just invent stuff. Like Whale Bologna or Ermine Cheese or Yak's Liver...jb just roll with it.
ReplyDeletePeace - Rene
Shaved ham? Are you sure she wasn't coming on to you? This was the perfect start to a porn movie and you totoally blew it!
ReplyDeleteYou should have sent her into the back so rodrigue could give her some of his special fat free salami.
Of course, I know she was probably like 100 years old. My guess is that someone sent her in asking for that stuff as a joke, but still. How can people have so little idea what theya re eating? This is why all the food additives and crap have to be more thoroughly regulated.
How you haven't let this woman leave with pickled olive loaf by now is beyond me. I think we'd all agree that she deserves it.
ReplyDeleteHaha I told tom about this lady the other day and he lauged quite hard :)
ReplyDeleteI hope she graces us with her presence again for another good blog entry
these are seriously hilarious!!
ReplyDeleteAw... It's beginning to sound as though she is your favorite customer. C'mon. Admit it.
ReplyDeletechuckles
@delizcious.....Thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment...the deli world is a magical place. I've been thinking they should build a theme deli at Disney World Why the F**k not......I'd go. And have you noticed your name DELIZZZZZZ...would make a great deli name or a great lesbian hang out just saying hhhahahha.......your awesome DELIZZZ.....it's cracking me up.
ReplyDeleteHuggs
JB
@svasti...thanks I think that the deli is a fun place to get a reality check...lolol. Happy to make you laugh.
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JB
@PK....she's not from this planet that's for sure. What I'd like to see is, what freaking planet she's from. I swear to you PK, I'm scared to see her again...i mean what's next...mmmm...can't wait.
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JB
@jeff.....my restaurant customers are just as nutty so it's the same all over. And retail is so crazy. It's takes special people to service all these people with special needs hahahah...I love it really Jeff where would I get all this stuff lololol.
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Jb
What is wrong with this woman?!
ReplyDelete@Breathofinsanity...you nailed it baby....and I should have offered her some shav-ed ham damm it. I actually tried so hard not to laugh but the story was being written as she talked to me.
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JB
WTF?! How drunk do you have to be to invent chicken salami?
ReplyDeleteThanks for the laugh :)
@amanda....shav-ed ham stupid lady but she does make for good story telling hahahhaah.
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JB
@Gina....hoe hoe and messed in the head to boot.
Huggs
JB
@Tim......Thanks for dropping by and that biatch has come by before with her wonderful requests.......god i love deli meats...mmmmmm..so delizzzciousssss, especially chicken salami.
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JB
@lindsay...everything is wrong with her lindsay...com'on shav-ed hammm that should say it all.
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JB
@nick james....she is very funny but wow is all i can say. I like sharing these little connections I make through out my days.
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JB
@Rene.....I'm rolling with it but I think she does the inventing for me crazy.... fooker that she is. Thanks for dropping by really nice to see you.
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JB
@JP..she's not 100 but i would pay her to be in a porno with my deli manager lololo. Yes people eat shit that truly is full of shit and I love it. It's all thanks to them I get these stories. Thanks for stopping in. When I do a porno you'll be the first to know ok.
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JB
@Jay......I'm saving that for the next time she decides to drop by again. We have some new products mmmmm they are so delizzicous......I can't wait. I feel like the nitrate/sodium/biohazard laced meats are my drugs and I'm the drug dealer lolololol....of the waste.
ReplyDeletePeace
JB
@katie....oh she'll be back...actually I saw her last week walking around but she didn't come over to say hello.
ReplyDeleteI felt so insulted, maybe I should have thrown a piece of mock chicken at her.
Huggs
JB
@floreta...imagine being that fly on the wall listening to me talk to her lololololol....the people i work with are always waiting to here what is going to come out of my mouth next hahahahah.
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JB
@donna...your right, I really really like her...alot donna!! God I wish, she would ask me out for dinner and a movie, so that we can be BFF forever and ever......wowowowo that would be something...I wonder if her husband would mind??? cause I don't but wait she's about 71 mmmm... I need to draw the line there Donna!!! I just don't roll over
ReplyDeletethat easy.
Huggs
JB
simply hilarious!!! you are a very good narrator :)
ReplyDeletemou
@mou....now if only I could narrate my life a little better that would be an accomplishment in itself lololol.....nice to see you dropping in....take good care.
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JB
I think you should keep a little ribbon in your pocket so that the next time she comes in, you can ask her if she'd like it gift wrapped....
ReplyDeleteHahahaha....you crack me up! I LOVE coming to your blog. :)
ReplyDelete@letters.....I think, a ribbon is a splendid gift, for such a curious kitty like her. Thanks for dropping by.
ReplyDeleteHuggs
JB
@Paris.....I'm happy that I can crack you up......I hope you don't need, an ambulance after visiting me, lollol. Hope you have a good one. Thanks Paris, the comments are great.
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JB
Kill her.
ReplyDeleteKill her now.
hahaha that's funny!
ReplyDelete@cheryl.....kill her with what!!! a salami in her very, very, special place. Hahaha you just cracked me up.
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JB
@mom.....thanks for dropping by and yeah funny for about 5 minutes and then I wanted to throw a salami at her lolool.
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JB
That was funny. I see it like JEFF too. I could not deal with retail again for this very reason.
ReplyDeleteI think sometimes people need to get out their kinks with people behind the counter... I think they need to plug their mental twitches to the real world( as a form of release) through interaction before they explode. That's probably why they act so weird.
BTW...shaved ham and fat free salami is like packaged, store- bought slices right? not like something you would find in an actual Deli.
@Rice Candy...who would of thought that a deli counter is a source of theraphy for the frustrated....lol.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment it's always great to see the other side of things.....but still i wanted to stab her with a salami.
Huggs
JB
Haha. I love that lady. She makes for great blog material. I hope she keeps coming back (to irritate you. No, seriously) so we can read more about her insanity.
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