Monday, September 1, 2008

Divine Intervention: My Conversation With God

I've had something on my mind for a few weeks now, and would like to share it with all of you. It started about 5 months ago. I had a really tough day at work with my mom and sister, and all I wanted was to get the hell out of dodge and not look back. The absolute final straw was my Ex calling me up, crying on the phone, giving me her "this is who I am" & "never speak to me again" bullsh*t.

Truly, it was a hellish day, and I couldn't deal anymore. I ended up leaving in the middle of service. As I headed home, I experienced a wicked flash of a blackout. I pulled over, and I thought for sure that I was going to pass out, so I closed my eyes and just sat for about 30 minutes, until everything stopped spinning.

When I got home, I threw my stuff on my bedroom floor, stripped down naked, and just fell to my knees and started to weep like a child. I cried for an hour straight, praying to God (I can't remember the last time I really prayed to Him) to release me from the chains that were holding me down. I told Him, I surrender. I quit. He wins. I’m throwing down the white flag. I am beat. Please, make the pain stop. Please, stop this aching in my core. I can’t bare it anymore.

When the tears finally stopped, I was surrounded by wet Kleenex, and my cat was staring at me with a look that said, "Are you going to feed me anytime soon or are you going to continue crying?" I got up, still naked, and fed the cat. Then, I pulled my yoga mat to my bed, got on my knees, blew my nose, and started to pray again. Please, I surrender to you, I told God. I have been beat, ripped, punched, pummeled, and here I kneel before You, asking You to release me from this agony. I said, please guide my foot steps, and may Thy will be done. Whatever it is, I am ready to receive it. Have I not proven myself to You? Have I not done enough good to deserve a little reprieve from all of this? God, are you there listening to me? Please, send me a sign. I promise to listen, watch, pay attention, and be more aware of the path of others. I asked Him to pray for those who have lost their way to be guided back onto the right path. I could feel the tears coming, and they came. I held my head in my hands and rocked myself. I felt like I was caught between Heaven and Hell, and I asked God to send me to either one place or the other. I just wanted to be released, to be free, and to live true to my heart... to live a full life and not a half life.

So, there you have it, my conversation with God, and I am so glad for it because the next day everything changed for me. I had sense of clarity and feelings of peace & harmony. I can't explain it, but I think that some Divine intervention took place that night.


1 comment:

  1. that is wonderful. sometimes we need to be totally undone and come o the end of ourselves. keep going to God to show you the way adn be prepared for whatever is the response. Great post.


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