The other night, after New Year's dinner with family, I went home with no real plans for the evening. Basically, I was just going to take it easy, but then something came over me, and the next thing I know, I'm sitting on the floor with three boxes, taking a trip down memory lane.
The first box contained all of my old journals, and, although I only skimmed through them quickly, I realized that I'm still searching for me. Sure, I know myself a little better now, but I still feel more lost than found. The second box was full of a good 20 years worth of cards, notes, and letters (do you remember when people used to write letters?) from past loves. I read through just about all of them, and the funny thing is that I couldn't even recall some of the people who'd taken the time to write them. I asked my roommate to come sit with me to help jog my memory. He told me I was clearly a heart breaker, and that he still remembers all the notes stuck to the doors of places where we used to live, the drunken phone calls, the crying, and the stalking at all hours of the day & night. LOL We've been friends for over 25 years, so he's seen me go through the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to relationships. Anyway, those letters reminded me that I can be loved and have been loved by people who touched me in the deepest part of my heart. Furthermore, the letters are proof that I am a good person and deserve more then what my Ex ever gave me, which leads me to the third box… the one with stuff from her. As much as I dreaded going through that box, something inside me was making go there, so I opened the lid and reached inside. Out came the love notes & letters, pictures, birthday cards, and other mementos. Talk about an emotional roller coaster ride. The very last card from her was from 2007 and had these words written inside:
Je vais t'aime pour tout ma vie ma belle. Je vais jamais pas t'amie. Tu est mon amour pour la vie est je t'aime avec tous que j'ai dans moi. Ta chatte d'amour pour la vie.
Basically, that translates to I will love you for all my life… you are my love for life… I love you with all that I am… forever. Meanwhile, I wonder if she was already sleeping with HWSNBN when she wrote that because it was dated pretty close to when all the lies started.
Love letters that I wrote to her were also in that box. I'm talking about the ones that I wrote, but never sent. There are 43 of them. I thought about sending her one a month until they've all been delivered, but what I really need to do is force myself to look forward. I can't say that I won't stop blogging about my Ex or my heartache, but 2009 will be a year of change & progress. I'm ready to live this year giving more to myself instead of to everyone else.
Happy New Year & Best Wishes for 2009.