Saturday, January 3, 2009

Three Boxes

The other night, after New Year's dinner with family, I went home with no real plans for the evening. Basically, I was just going to take it easy, but then something came over me, and the next thing I know, I'm sitting on the floor with three boxes, taking a trip down memory lane.

The first box contained all of my old journals, and, although I only skimmed through them quickly, I realized that I'm still searching for me. Sure, I know myself a little better now, but I still feel more lost than found. The second box was full of a good 20 years worth of cards, notes, and letters (do you remember when people used to write letters?) from past loves. I read through just about all of them, and the funny thing is that I couldn't even recall some of the people who'd taken the time to write them. I asked my roommate to come sit with me to help jog my memory. He told me I was clearly a heart breaker, and that he still remembers all the notes stuck to the doors of places where we used to live, the drunken phone calls, the crying, and the stalking at all hours of the day & night. LOL We've been friends for over 25 years, so he's seen me go through the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to relationships. Anyway, those letters reminded me that I can be loved and have been loved by people who touched me in the deepest part of my heart. Furthermore, the letters are proof that I am a good person and deserve more then what my Ex ever gave me, which leads me to the third box… the one with stuff from her. As much as I dreaded going through that box, something inside me was making go there, so I opened the lid and reached inside. Out came the love notes & letters, pictures, birthday cards, and other mementos. Talk about an emotional roller coaster ride. The very last card from her was from 2007 and had these words written inside:

Je vais t'aime pour tout ma vie ma belle. Je vais jamais pas t'amie. Tu est mon amour pour la vie est je t'aime avec tous que j'ai dans moi. Ta chatte d'amour pour la vie.

Basically, that translates to I will love you for all my life… you are my love for life… I love you with all that I am… forever. Meanwhile, I wonder if she was already sleeping with HWSNBN when she wrote that because it was dated pretty close to when all the lies started.

~sigh ~

Love letters that I wrote to her were also in that box. I'm talking about the ones that I wrote, but never sent. There are 43 of them. I thought about sending her one a month until they've all been delivered, but what I really need to do is force myself to look forward. I can't say that I won't stop blogging about my Ex or my heartache, but 2009 will be a year of change & progress. I'm ready to live this year giving more to myself instead of to everyone else.

Happy New Year & Best Wishes for 2009.



  1. I found an old journal of mine the other day too. It was from the period in my life right after my divorce and apparently I was still so stuck on my ex that I could think of nothing else but trying to get him to come back. Now, of course, nothing could be further from my mind, because A. He's remarried, and B. I finally realized how far he had actually kept me down.

    I also have boxes of cards and letters and photographs, and occasionally, I go through them too, but mostly they just sit, because they are a reminder of the person I was then, and I like the person I am now too much to open old wounds for the sake of nostalgia.

  2. Let me fast forward to:

    I'm ready to live this year giving more to myself instead of to everyone else.

    A little selfishness, egoism and me-centrism is necessary and healthy from time to time, provided the dosage is right.


  3. I have those kinds of boxes too. I don't know what to do with them actually. In one, I'm sure there's a letter and even a necklace one of my first boyfriends ever gave me.

    There are letters and cards from the man I nearly married. There's all sorts of letters from friends.

    They sit in my cupboard, taking up space. But I don't have the heart to get rid of them. Perhaps I should?

    There really only ever is this moment... the past sometimes seems like a made up story.

  4. Ciao Jerry

    Ringraziamenti per la lettura delle mie storie. Felice anno nuovo, e ad un certo scatenamento sano di ego per oggi.


    I hope that my Italian is not to rusty.

  5. i have a few of these boxes myself. i brought them with me when i recently moved. i'm yet to go through them. it seems strange, i never look at them but i'm too afraid to throw them out.

    p.s; without seeming ignorant or rude. your ex was a female? i feel like i don't know enough about you

    your comments on my blog are my favourite to read x

  6. Your Italian's fine, JB.

    Even if it wasn't I don't think I would be the right person to judge it - Italian's not my first language (more like second or third).

    Baci ed abbracci,

  7. You should send over your written work you mentioned on my blog. I would like to read the article about the deli meats too.

  8. "I'm ready to live this year giving more to myself instead of to everyone else."

    ME too sister!!
    well said!
    I can relate to you!

  9. Uh-oh, my mom's got some boxes like that also, hiding in the closet underneath other things.

    I just want to hug you,

    P.S. Thank you for the birthday wishes!

  10. Hugs to you, jb, and all the best in 2009. I've got some boxes like yours, only they are inside of my heart and soul. I take them out, every so often, then put them back.

    And kudo's to you for taking time for yourself.

    Wonderful post.

  11. Thanks for the heads up with the feed- I changed the feedburner link but not the actual feed on the site. It should work now?

  12. My dear fellow bloggers, I was just re-reading your comments regarding this post, and wanted to say thanks again for stopping by & sharing your thoughts. I'm glad that I'm not the only one with 'boxes' in the world... not that I thought I was, but you know what I mean. :) We're all in this together.


  13. going through actual love letters is hard... i threw most of mine away when i moved out... i went thru a shoebox and found one had escaped. i can't bear to throw that one away, even when the words seem so full of shit now..


Thanks so much for taking the time to leave a comment. Check back for my response and/or Eddy's. We love hearing from you! Peace, JB (blog owner) and Eddy ("super great cuz" & frequent guest blogger)

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