Two Legs Do Not A Table Make

Last week, like most weeks, we had a one-day-event snowstorm. It’s a toss up every morning when you wake up. You know that something nasty is on the way at some point during the week, you just don't know which day it's going to show up. I always peek threw my curtains like I’m spying on my neighbour, but really it’s because I'm scared to see what I have to face for the drive to work and back. Anyway, when I looked out the window that day, the snow was coming down so hard that I wasn't seeing much of anything. Just for the h*ll of it, I went to look out my office window, but it made no difference. Angry snow flakes the size of my head were falling fast & furious. So, I called work and told them that there was no way I was coming in and neither are any customers. My sister told me that almost all of our reservations were indeed cancelled and it was going to be an early night for sure.

Since I wasn't going anywhere, I decided it was a good day to clean the house, do some laundry, groom the cats, etc. When I stopped to look outside again, it was 2pm. This time the view was from my kitchen window. Snow was still coming down like crazy. I figured that I should probably go clear what was already piled up on the front steps before it got to be too much to manage, but the wind just about knocked me off me feet & the snow almost took my eyes out. Screw that idea, I thought as I backed up into the house and closed the door. Back to the laundry room...

When 3pm rolled around, I was done putting my house in order and thinking about what to do next. Take a nap, watch a movie, write my next blog post, read a book, go to Ikea... Yep, that's it, go to Ikea. You see, I'd been wanting to buy this cool white desk & chair combo plus these white organizer boxes

to transfer the stuff from my three boxes into new boxes (there is actually a fourth box too... stay tuned for that story... it’s a keeper) for a while, and I was ready to brave the insane weather for them. I know, I’m crazy, but Ikea is only a 20 minute drive from my house. So, I bundled up & headed out to my car. Wait, were the h*ll is my car? It was covered in so much snow, I could barely see it. I had to get a milk crate to stand on to clean it off. It took forever.

Finally, with U2's War blaring at me through my speakers, I was off to Ikea. Needless to say, it was bad. I was going 30km/hr and couldn't see 2 feet in front of me, but I wasn't turning around. I was driving blind to Ikea. I think they should send me a gift for almost loosing my life for a Vika Amon table, Herman chair, and Kassett boxes, or whatever nutty Swedish names they give their furniture.

Over an hour later, I arrived at my destination and I needed to pee, big time. As I pulled into the parking lot, it was clear that I wasn't the only crazy person who’d ventured out to Ikea. The place was packed and parking was a total disaster because of all the snow. Somehow, I managed to maneuver my car along side someone else's and then quickly made my way inside the store.

Got to pee… got to pee… got to pee…

After a trip to the ladies room, I marched myself right over to the warehouse section to collect my table top, legs, and chair. I had already written down the item location information beforehand, so it didn't take long. Next, I made my way towards the checkout because the white boxes were located near there, then I was good to go.

I waited in line about 15 minutes before my turn came up, and when it did the cashier had news for me.

Cashier: Sorry, this cash is for credit and debt cards only, Miss. See (pointing her skinny finger at the sign above her head)?

Me: Yeah (damn it), but I must be snow-blind and can’t see or read.

Cashier: You can go 2 cashes over.

Me: Great, and line up for another 15 minutes.

Cashier: Sorry.

I turned around and pushed my cart over two cashes. Luckily, I only had to wait a few minutes.

2nd Cashier: Did you find what you where looking for, Miss.

Me: Oh, yeah, I got my Swedish fix & I’m ready face the snow again

2nd Cashier: (giggling like I had just tickled her or something) OK, one table top, a chair, three boxes, a bag of Swedish cookies (I picked them up near the cash… couldn't help myself), and two legs. Just two legs?

Me: Yeah, that’s everything.

2nd Cashier: So, two legs only, right? Are you sure that this is all you need?

Me: Yeah, that’s it.

2nd Cashier: Are you sure you don’t need two more legs?

Me: No, I’m good. Thanks for asking.

2nd Cashier: (glancing over at the cashier beside her and giggling again because I was clueless, but didn't know it yet) OK, that’s $69.59, please.

Me: Cool (handing her the cash), here you go.

2nd Cashier: Thanks. Have a safe drive home.

As I was making my way to the exit, I could hear her and the other cashier still giggling away behind me, but I just didn't get it.

When I finally got home, I couldn't wait to set everything up.

Roomie: Hey, (watching me drag everything into the house) did you get what you wanted, you crazy Italian nutcase daring to go out in this weather?

Me: Yeah, come on. Help me get this stuff to the office.

We started by unpacking the pieces that we needed to assemble the desk. We laid everything out on the floor, and then…

Roomie: (looking at me and trying very hard not too laugh) Um, exactly how do you want me to put your desk together?

Me: What?

Roomie: (smirking) Where are the other two legs, Blondie?

Me: Huh? (and then it hit me) Oh... no! No! For f**k sake!

Roomie: (just laughing away)

Me: Sh*t, man, sh*t!!

Roomie: Do you want me to go cut a tree down to build the other two legs for you?

So, there we sat, laughing our a**es off as I told him the whole story.

Me: She kept asking me if all I needed was two legs.

Roomie: OMG, you’re an idiot.

Yeah, that'll teach me to go shopping in a snowstorm.

JB