Honesty Crap (no, that is not a typo)

I decided to do my very own version of an Honesty Scrap, but I'm calling mine 'Honesty Crap' because I think I’m really full of crap and it’s time I unload some of it instead of keeping it locked away like buried treasure. I hadn't been able to put my finger on what’s really bothering me lately until last night when I had this deep philosophical conversation with Eddy, my cuzz, the best cuzz in the world. You see, she slapped some sense into me and made realize some things.

1. I hate my Ex with everything I have inside me. I say I love her, but I really hate her more than anything in the world and I don’t want to forgive her, not now or maybe not ever. She is a mean, inconsiderate, selfish, belligerent, cruel, lying bitch who truly only cares about her self. This is how I really feel. I hate her with every inch of my core and she makes me sick to my stomach. All I want to do is throw up when I think about what she has done to me and what I continue to let her do it to me. I have let her continue to hurt me over and over again because I choose to let her do it, but today is a new day and I am not going to be the victim any longer. She hasn't treated me any better then she did a year ago or two years ago and it will never change. I will always be treated like an outsider, a second class citizen, a passing stranger. I will never be her equal and the sad thing is that she sees me as a victim and she is the one who victimized me all this time. She can actually make me feel like I’m the one who should be blamed when she speaks to me in the most inconsiderate voice as though I’m just this nobody she just met. Well, I will no longer take this kind of treatment from anyone. I will no longer be the stranger or the victim in her life or let her dictate my life and how I should feel or behave. F**k her!

2. I have no patience for liars or schemers or anyone who can’t be true to me or themselves. I hate ignorance and I hate lazy people. Laziness is the trait I despise most. It's something I can't stomach. If you’re lazy, you’re not going to mesh well with me.

3. My dream is to become a writer. Actually, it’s not a dream; it’s what I’m going to do if it kills me, literally. It’s what I always wanted to be besides being a rocker. If you don’t know this about me, I play guitar and I’m pretty good at it, or so my friends tell me. Either that or they’re good liars. I will write my book. I know this for sure. How I know I can’t tell you, but I will and I won’t stop until it happens.

4. I’m not a quitter. I never give up on anything or anyone... like with my EX, but she's finally broken the camel's back with her last straw. I never give up on myself. I have thrown in the towel a few times, but I've always gone back to get that towel.

5. This next one is hard for me to write, but I need to get this off my chest. For the last few months all I have wanted to do is kill myself. I feel totally out of touch with myself and my surroundings. The irony, however, is that I'm already dead because the one person I loved killed me a long time ago. I spent 14 years believing that she was my equal only to find out that she didn't even consider me in the end, and I have let the last 2 years slowly kill me from the inside out. I blame myself for all of this, and even though I don’t fear death (it’s me that I fear… me, this lost, lonely, sad women) I know that there is no way in h*ll that she is worth me killing myself. So, I will walk with my head up in the air and be proud.

6. I’m scared that no one will ever love me again because I fear letting anyone in. I fear being hurt. I fear I can never trust anyone with my heart or my soul. I’m actually really scared. It’s that simple. I’m scared and I’m even more scared to never feel love or be loved again.

7. I want to move to Paris to write my book, but I’m scared to leave my life here… scared even though I hate being here. This is something I need to do. It has been on my mind now for many years. Why Paris, I don’t know, but I need to go soon before it drives me nuts. This is my secret obsession. It drives me crazy all the time. I’m so drawn to go there. I know it has to be done soon, but I’m scared.

8. I have a passion for cycling that’s almost obsessive. My bike is an extension of me. When I go out riding I feel so free. I feel like I’m flying when I’m coming down the hills at 90 km an hour. If I die on my bike, I will die happy. Sometimes, I see myself crashing at those speeds and just flying arms spread open accepting my faith no matter what. I bike sometimes for 6 hours straight, none stop. I just go and get lost in the ride. I can’t describe to you how it feels.

9. I regret not taking my trip to France last year to do the tour of the Alps. It was all the mountain stages in the Alps that Lance Armstrong has done. It would have covered 1500 km in 3 weeks. I regret this so much & it’s something I really need to do. I didn't do it because I made excuses as to why I should stay or go -- work, money, my state of mind, moving, using my money for work instead of pleasure, buying a house -- based on the only choice I had, move out of my old place because I had shared it with my Ex & needed to get the h*ll out of there. I was stuck and needed a fast fix.

10. I need to stand my ground more with my friends and my choices when it comes to my life. It’s time to live for me and no one else. I need to let it all go and start to be myself. I’m tried of running from my own truths. I have done so much for others and nothing for me in a long time. I regret not being stronger in my choices when it comes to doing things for me and I know I can’t blame anyone else. I hold myself responsible for all my short comings.

11. I will never sacrifice my happiness for money ever again. I will not let money dictate my life or my choices. I will not have a job that I make money at so that I can live in a big house or whatever. I won’t be wealthy of wallet and poor of soul. I would rather be poor and happy, than rich and miserable. I have made this very clear to everyone. I will not be dictated by money. I will sell everything I have and so be it. I don’t need any of this. My possessions will not define me. How I treat myself & others is what matters. I don’t want to be remembered by what I have, but by how I conducted my self in my life and how I behaved towards others.

12. I want to be happy with myself as I paint this new picture I call my so-called-life.

13. I dream of the day love comes to me and holds me in its gaze. I will hear the words I love you and I will never hurt you. I will look at myself in the mirror and say I love you, JB, forever. It’s time that JB loves JB.

14. I've always wanted children and now I’m scared that it’s never going to happen because I spent so much time loving & believing that someone wanted to share this with me.

15. Although I accept the fact that I'm gay, it’s still hard and frustrating, and I've wished sometimes that I could just be someone else, but this is who I am.

16. I want to forget these last three years… just wipe them out of my head and start again, but instead I have to deal with all of it head on. Amen to me.

17. I believe in God & every night I kneel by my bed and say a prayer, but things weren't always this way. Nope, for a long time I hated God because in the bible being gay is a sin, but one day last Summer I didn't know where else to turn, so I turned to Him. I begged him to make the pain stop, but I’m still alive, so I guess there’s more that I’m supposed to be doing here on earth.

18. This is another hard one to write, but here goes. For the longest time I have slept with my cell phone under my pillow hoping that one night my Ex would call wanting to talk, to tell me she misses me, or that she just needed to hear my voice, but there haven't been any calls & I know there never will be.

19. I had this dream that I would marry the one I love and we'd have children & live this great happy life together, but I was so in denial that I couldn't see what was right in front of me, i.e. nothing. My dream was mine & mine alone.

20. My new mantra is 'I'm no one's victim' because it's time I reclaim my life & get my power back. I'm done being used & letting myself be used.

Well, there you have it, folks -- my honesty crap. You may think I’m nuts, but I don’t care. This is my blog after all, so I will write what I want. I’m not ashamed. Life is full of honesty ‘crap’ and sometimes you need to let it go.

JB