Monday, February 9, 2009

Honesty Crap (no, that is not a typo)

I decided to do my very own version of an Honesty Scrap, but I'm calling mine 'Honesty Crap' because I think I’m really full of crap and it’s time I unload some of it instead of keeping it locked away like buried treasure. I hadn't been able to put my finger on what’s really bothering me lately until last night when I had this deep philosophical conversation with Eddy, my cuzz, the best cuzz in the world. You see, she slapped some sense into me and made realize some things.

1. I hate my Ex with everything I have inside me. I say I love her, but I really hate her more than anything in the world and I don’t want to forgive her, not now or maybe not ever. She is a mean, inconsiderate, selfish, belligerent, cruel, lying bitch who truly only cares about her self. This is how I really feel. I hate her with every inch of my core and she makes me sick to my stomach. All I want to do is throw up when I think about what she has done to me and what I continue to let her do it to me. I have let her continue to hurt me over and over again because I choose to let her do it, but today is a new day and I am not going to be the victim any longer. She hasn't treated me any better then she did a year ago or two years ago and it will never change. I will always be treated like an outsider, a second class citizen, a passing stranger. I will never be her equal and the sad thing is that she sees me as a victim and she is the one who victimized me all this time. She can actually make me feel like I’m the one who should be blamed when she speaks to me in the most inconsiderate voice as though I’m just this nobody she just met. Well, I will no longer take this kind of treatment from anyone. I will no longer be the stranger or the victim in her life or let her dictate my life and how I should feel or behave. F**k her!

2. I have no patience for liars or schemers or anyone who can’t be true to me or themselves. I hate ignorance and I hate lazy people. Laziness is the trait I despise most. It's something I can't stomach. If you’re lazy, you’re not going to mesh well with me.

3. My dream is to become a writer. Actually, it’s not a dream; it’s what I’m going to do if it kills me, literally. It’s what I always wanted to be besides being a rocker. If you don’t know this about me, I play guitar and I’m pretty good at it, or so my friends tell me. Either that or they’re good liars. I will write my book. I know this for sure. How I know I can’t tell you, but I will and I won’t stop until it happens.

4. I’m not a quitter. I never give up on anything or anyone... like with my EX, but she's finally broken the camel's back with her last straw. I never give up on myself. I have thrown in the towel a few times, but I've always gone back to get that towel.

5. This next one is hard for me to write, but I need to get this off my chest. For the last few months all I have wanted to do is kill myself. I feel totally out of touch with myself and my surroundings. The irony, however, is that I'm already dead because the one person I loved killed me a long time ago. I spent 14 years believing that she was my equal only to find out that she didn't even consider me in the end, and I have let the last 2 years slowly kill me from the inside out. I blame myself for all of this, and even though I don’t fear death (it’s me that I fear… me, this lost, lonely, sad women) I know that there is no way in h*ll that she is worth me killing myself. So, I will walk with my head up in the air and be proud.

6. I’m scared that no one will ever love me again because I fear letting anyone in. I fear being hurt. I fear I can never trust anyone with my heart or my soul. I’m actually really scared. It’s that simple. I’m scared and I’m even more scared to never feel love or be loved again.

7. I want to move to Paris to write my book, but I’m scared to leave my life here… scared even though I hate being here. This is something I need to do. It has been on my mind now for many years. Why Paris, I don’t know, but I need to go soon before it drives me nuts. This is my secret obsession. It drives me crazy all the time. I’m so drawn to go there. I know it has to be done soon, but I’m scared.

8. I have a passion for cycling that’s almost obsessive. My bike is an extension of me. When I go out riding I feel so free. I feel like I’m flying when I’m coming down the hills at 90 km an hour. If I die on my bike, I will die happy. Sometimes, I see myself crashing at those speeds and just flying arms spread open accepting my faith no matter what. I bike sometimes for 6 hours straight, none stop. I just go and get lost in the ride. I can’t describe to you how it feels.

9. I regret not taking my trip to France last year to do the tour of the Alps. It was all the mountain stages in the Alps that Lance Armstrong has done. It would have covered 1500 km in 3 weeks. I regret this so much & it’s something I really need to do. I didn't do it because I made excuses as to why I should stay or go -- work, money, my state of mind, moving, using my money for work instead of pleasure, buying a house -- based on the only choice I had, move out of my old place because I had shared it with my Ex & needed to get the h*ll out of there. I was stuck and needed a fast fix.

10. I need to stand my ground more with my friends and my choices when it comes to my life. It’s time to live for me and no one else. I need to let it all go and start to be myself. I’m tried of running from my own truths. I have done so much for others and nothing for me in a long time. I regret not being stronger in my choices when it comes to doing things for me and I know I can’t blame anyone else. I hold myself responsible for all my short comings.

11. I will never sacrifice my happiness for money ever again. I will not let money dictate my life or my choices. I will not have a job that I make money at so that I can live in a big house or whatever. I won’t be wealthy of wallet and poor of soul. I would rather be poor and happy, than rich and miserable. I have made this very clear to everyone. I will not be dictated by money. I will sell everything I have and so be it. I don’t need any of this. My possessions will not define me. How I treat myself & others is what matters. I don’t want to be remembered by what I have, but by how I conducted my self in my life and how I behaved towards others.

12. I want to be happy with myself as I paint this new picture I call my so-called-life.

13. I dream of the day love comes to me and holds me in its gaze. I will hear the words I love you and I will never hurt you. I will look at myself in the mirror and say I love you, JB, forever. It’s time that JB loves JB.

14. I've always wanted children and now I’m scared that it’s never going to happen because I spent so much time loving & believing that someone wanted to share this with me.

15. Although I accept the fact that I'm gay, it’s still hard and frustrating, and I've wished sometimes that I could just be someone else, but this is who I am.

16. I want to forget these last three years… just wipe them out of my head and start again, but instead I have to deal with all of it head on. Amen to me.

17. I believe in God & every night I kneel by my bed and say a prayer, but things weren't always this way. Nope, for a long time I hated God because in the bible being gay is a sin, but one day last Summer I didn't know where else to turn, so I turned to Him. I begged him to make the pain stop, but I’m still alive, so I guess there’s more that I’m supposed to be doing here on earth.

18. This is another hard one to write, but here goes. For the longest time I have slept with my cell phone under my pillow hoping that one night my Ex would call wanting to talk, to tell me she misses me, or that she just needed to hear my voice, but there haven't been any calls & I know there never will be.

19. I had this dream that I would marry the one I love and we'd have children & live this great happy life together, but I was so in denial that I couldn't see what was right in front of me, i.e. nothing. My dream was mine & mine alone.

20. My new mantra is 'I'm no one's victim' because it's time I reclaim my life & get my power back. I'm done being used & letting myself be used.

Well, there you have it, folks -- my honesty crap. You may think I’m nuts, but I don’t care. This is my blog after all, so I will write what I want. I’m not ashamed. Life is full of honesty ‘crap’ and sometimes you need to let it go.

JB

43 comments:

  1. wow....how sad to know that in being honest we can be terribly hurt....but at least we are able to let go of our hard hurting feelings...

    yes your right by loving our own self is the key for others to love us better.

    anyway, just wanna inform you that the topic online gaming I will have to take time writing is about computer games and not online gambling. Sorry if I miss quote the term. but thanks for your interest..please keep posted...you can be a good writer

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  2. @Miss S...cute but not so cute but it's my honesty moment and I got to let it out. Thanks for reading.

    Huggs
    JB

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  3. @Henry Po...thanks for your kind words. I will keep posting I swear even the honety scraps that I need to unload.

    Huggs
    JB

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  4. that doesnt sound like crap to me. very powerful.. i'm scared by a lot of things too.. including travel, which i feel very much is calling me.. why do we let our fears govern our life so?

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  5. Oh my goodness you're so sweet!

    That really made my stressful day all better. Thank you so much!

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  6. I read everythin...every word..and to be honest the one thing I liked about this post is the "feel"..
    I like that you are doing all you can...to be happy...

    That is the key JB.Its a process and you are at it...
    and I like that...
    All the best with everything...

    And bout the book thing...
    I am gonna do it too...
    even if it kills me...!

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  7. pertaining to not going to the alps and maybe going to paris- sometimes getting away makes you gain some self confidence and perspective.

    its just getting the balls to go out there and do it

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  8. JB, I cannot imagine how relieving this was for you. I know things have been building up for so long and you felt like you couldn't express all that anguish but I'm so so so proud of you for writing this.

    All these things... every single word represents who you are and you're amazing. Please don't allow lost love to ruin your chances of happiness.

    You deserve so much more than this, you're strong, and you're letting her win by being hurt.

    Stay strong, you're beautiful and worth every single breath you breathe.

    Thinking of you x

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  9. It is good to be honest and despite how hard life can be, just look up and smile girl! You are beautiful inside and out and never let anything bring you down, its not worth it! You've got one life to live so live it up! If you have the chance to go to Paris again....dont even think about it, JUST GO GIRL!

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  10. that wasn't crap, and i don't think your nuts. your an amazing woman and I believe you can do the things you want to accomplish.

    <3
    -Gina

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  11. Cara JB,

    I suspected all along that you were a stronger person than you were willing to admit. Now I have a proof.

    There's one thing (point 11) I wanted to comment on, though.
    For a long time I thought the same:

    I ain't never gonna be a slave to money!
    I can do without money!


    ...then I got married and my priorities suddenly changed, when I realized I had someone to look after.

    What I'm saying here is if one day you actually do what you say you would do, you'll be my idol and a role model for life!

    PS. I'd love to hear you play la chitarra. Unless you already have, you could record something and post/email it to me :)

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  12. @floreta..yes I decided that this is it I will not let fear dictate my life any longer....it's done. As of right now the change is coming no matter what. I'm forging this road come hell or high water.

    Huggs
    JB

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  13. @Amanda Grace..you deserve this so enjoy it, it wasn't that hard for me to choose you. Your a beautiful soul and people should now your out there.

    Huggs Huggs
    JB

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  14. @indy..my friend thanks for giving me the strength to see myself through this. Those straight words you threw at me finally hit home. I will be forever in yours and my cousin debt. I'm your slave until then....lololol. Thanks indy your a beautiful soul.

    Love Ya
    JB

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  15. @SFBF...Why So Serious...what movie is that from Rob? Thank-you for the really nice words, this took alot for me to dig up, but I needed to this one go... oh but I decided not to get a wee wee and keep the kitty meow...that's all for you my SFBF. Jb dosen't play like that. There's no jb/bj here...lol.

    Love & Huggs
    JB

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  16. @katieleigh.....your my hero. I am touched by your words and humbled by you. You're an incredible women who has a great life ahead of her and I am so happy that I may be able to share a little of this with you. Thank-you katie and I hope that I can call you friend for life.

    Love
    Jb xox

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  17. @Pk..my women of the year. Thank-you for your words they mean a lot. Your a good soul and I'm happy that we crossed paths. These words are true and I had to let them go, so that I can move forward. You stay real and I promise to keep it real. You go girl... right back at you.

    Huggs
    JBxox

    By the way, read your interview awesome...great pictures. You rock it out PK.

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  18. @Gina...thanks your a very wise women. You keep writing and keep it real. You stay true to yourself and what you believe and all things will fall into place I promise you this.

    Huggs
    JB

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  19. @Jerry..il mio grande fratello. Thank-you ,so very much jerry and I will be your idol I hope oneday soon. We should all be our own hero's instead, because I believe, that it's only the hero in all of us that can save us from ourselves.

    Jerry... I let this happen, to me. Now it's up to me, to decide what's best for me. I chose ME..jerry I just decided it's going to be ME.

    It's what I needed to do, to save my soul and reclaim my integraity and dignaity, that I gave away to an undeserving traitor.

    With Great love and respect
    JB

    I want to say this, that it's thanks to katie,indi,you,rob,my cousin,my family and friends that I was able to keep up the good fight,izzie,amanda grace I thank-you all.

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  20. Thanks JB for visiting my blog,
    I upload content regularly so i hope u become a keen visitor, and also join as a follower.
    I see that u have a lot of content on your blog and I'm gonna read it when i have some more time

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  21. Oh goodness, JB. I haven't been on here for sometime and when I come back, you're doing this to yourself? Stop hurting over the ex, baby. I know it's easier said than done and I should listen to myself, too...It sucks when you have to wait for a call that will never happen, or play a conversation between you and your ex in your mind, planning to tell her this and that when you get to talk to her but that will never happen, baby...I feel your hatred, it's something I am all too familiar with, and the hysteria when you realize you have wasted a few years of your life loving someone who wasn't worthy..Yet life goes on.

    I am proud of you, for your bravery to say the things that are difficult to admit..

    Love you so much. Keep writing your truth.

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  22. hey jb...i have been reading ur blog for quite sometime now....but never left a comment...2day after reading this post i couldn't keep from leaving u a comment..ur just d most beautiful soul out there jb.....i've read far too many blogs but yours is without a doubt the best....u have no idea how much i admire you....please dont let your ex get you down...i totally understand your situation because i too have been there...i too am gay...n recently gone through a beak up...so i know exactly how u must be feeling...but dont waste any more time on your ex...i am sure shes not worth it...just do what makes you happy....i love you! take care!

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  23. Because of #4 you'll never do #5.

    You're already a writer. You're writing. Furthermore, because of #11 you'll have little trouble keeping it up unless you write for accolades. Generally, you have to praise yourself. Anything else is gravy, sheer luck, and nothing to take for granted. :-)

    I had a writing mentor tell me once, "Nobody gives a fuck if you keep writing except you."

    Go to Paris. Write your book.

    Peace,
    A

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  24. J, i'm so glad you stumbled across my blog through Indi. She's a sweetheart btw :)
    There is so much in this post that I share with you and completely understand, I actually wrote 25 such Honesty points I was going to post today, drop by, you won't feel like the only crazy one (which btw you're not)
    Paris and writing ofcourse, and fear of love and loneliness..I completely understand.
    I will drop by more often once I have faster internet in a week, I'm dying here!

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  25. Jb, I've said this before and I know you can feel it in my words when I write it... I am your fan. For everything, for your strenght, for your honesty, for you ability to improve life or at least know where to lead it.
    The last 20 months I've shared the same points as you... oh so many and the darkest ones too.
    It is wierd to say and I know many of you will see me as crazy but the truth is blogging kinda save me. The thight net that I built here.... gave me bak myself, made me think and accept, move on.
    But you do it better, you have the honesty (crap too( to say and feel and do what I most times can't.
    That is why I love you... and i trust you and cherish you.

    Thank you for everuthing... I can't say more cause right now my feelings for you, my admiration is so high that words are not enough.

    Love
    Iz


    P.S - Amanda and Katie... sorry I haven't been around... but life is kindda strange and busy and all... I do not, never, forget you... but right now, words and time are not on my side...

    LOts of love for you both...

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  26. @Yogi..thanks for coming by and I will follow your blog is great.

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  27. @Trinity....your an amazing women and you keep writing your honesty cause like I've told you already, you have seduced me with your amazing skill with the word.
    And thank-you for what you said, it means alot and love you lots too.

    JB

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  28. @kaya..thanks for reading my blog and please, comment more often, if the urge arises. I'm sorry that you had to go through a break up.
    As you can see, it can really be a hard thing to deal with and the Ex has wasted enough of my time and it's over for her, that's why the honest came out.

    Do you have a blog..I would love to read something of yours if you want. Thank-you kaya your words mean alot and that you have been reading means alot. I hope that I can help you out oneday.

    Huggs & Love
    JB

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  29. @alana....thank-you. I know that because of no 4 I would never do no 5 your absolulty right but i have seen the darkness and man it's hard to see the light but I'm just fighting the fight.

    Like the rest of us we all have to live the life we are handed. There is no book to follow but the book we write. And no 11 well ,fuck it things will never define me and it shouldn't define any of us unless we let it.

    I write for me and no one else, so your right, fuck it. I will go to paris and write my book and I swear. I write for me and me only and if others like it great if not seriously fuck them all. My words, my life, my rules and who ever can't keep up...well get a helmet because it's going to be a bumpy ride...lolol....thanks alana.

    Love and Huggs
    JB

    Huggs
    JB

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  30. @pink love paris...read your 25 things and you rocked my world. We truly are not alone and please drop by as soon as your connection is faster ok. Thanks for the words it makes me feel better.

    Huggs
    JB

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  31. @izzie...your words are enough and I love you too. Thanks for all the great support and we are not alone in this great and sometimes messy world. I embrace you and send you whatever I can give you too.

    And I'm pretty sure that katie and amanda will get this message from me to them. Don't be a stanger. I know that life keeps us busy it's all good my friend.

    Love
    JB

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  32. JB, hang in there. Breakups are hard. But if you hold true to #13 - loving yourself more than anyone or anything else, you'll get through it. Thanks for checking out my blog and leaving such a wonderful comment!

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  33. @don't be a slut...love your blog name and thanks no 13 is what my only focus will be from now on.

    Huggs
    JB

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  34. could actually feel every word you wrote...it takes so much of guts to just write the way you have written. kudos to you for that! you are a beautiful person and never ever let anybody tell you something else...

    stay beautiful :)

    wish you loads of happiness...

    mou

    P.S. thanks for your comment :)

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  35. @mou...thank-you very much for your kind words. It took a lot but it's now that I have to continue this journey to me.

    Huggs
    JB

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  36. @cheryl....dammmm...right Ex's suck, but her she can go straight to hell I think I got her ticket somewhere in a drawer. Thanks for stopping...hope you haven't had any spills of hot liqiuds on your crotch lately.

    Take Care
    JB

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  37. Hello JB, thanks for stopping at my blog, it's nice to meet you! This is a sad post but you're right about so many things here... I'm a firm believer in saying that what doesn't kill us will make us stronger... it worked in my case... and yes, EXs do suck...

    take care
    Polly

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  38. It's good to see you decide not to be a victim. The idea of you waiting for a call from someone who hurt and abused you is really sad. I hope one day you can move past hating her - not because I think you should see or trust her again - because she doesn't deserve all the energy you are putting into feeling miserable about her and hating her. Get angry, then get over it - you have so many better things to be doing with your life than living in that past. Here's to a new future.

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  39. You should see my list of honesty crap. Yours isn't so bad.

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  40. " I won’t be wealthy of wallet and poor of soul. I would rather be poor and happy, than rich and miserable. "

    --good attitude to embrace for life! Keep it up.

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Thanks so much for taking the time to leave a comment. Check back for my response and/or Eddy's. We love hearing from you! Peace, JB (blog owner) and Eddy ("super great cuz" & frequent guest blogger)

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