I Dream of Deli

I don't know about you guys, but I've been having some major a** kicking weeks at work ever since the weather has warmed up. People keep coming in droves like we're the only deli in the city. I'm soooooooo freakin' tired, I want to cry. Wahhhhhh!! Seriously, I almost fell asleep driving home from my mom's the other night. I had gone to have dinner with her after work & could barely keep my eyes open driving back to my place. When I finally did get in the door, I went straight to bed (screw showering, I thought to myself, it could wait until morning), and pretty much passed out the second my head hit the pillow.

Now, ideally, sleeping straight though to the next morning would have been awesome, but my mind just had to make its usual detour through dreamland where anything bizarre can, and usually does, happen to me. The good news is that that there were no bunnies in sight this time around. Whew! Not so good, however, was the fact that I... umm (if you guys don't already think I'm nuts, you're all going to think that I'm totally crazy now) ...was lying totally naked inside the deli counter that I so beautifully organized earlier that day. Yup, I had my head leaning up against a block of mock chicken & a variety of other meats were strategically placed on or around certain parts of my body. Go ahead and consult your imaginations for visuals, I'll wait.

********** Done? OK, good. Hope you enjoyed yourselves. **********

So, there I was... naked... and the deli was packed with people ordering cold cuts like they were going out of style. Every time one of the clerks would slide open the counter doors, I would hand them whatever meats they needed. At one point, Lucky (one of my co-workers) opened the doors to ask if I was cold. You'd think I'd be freezing my a** (among other things) off, but I actually told him that I was fine. So, he quietly slid the doors shut and went back to slicing meat as though what I was doing was totally normal. The customers & I weren't phased either. They just smiled & waved at me as they waited to be served, and I just smiled & waved back like it was all in a days work.

The dream went on like that for quite some time & all was well. Nobody cared that I was lying naked as a newborn inside the deli counter. Nope, nobody, including me. Well, at least until I did. All I can say is that I started feeling really uncomfortable, but I didn't know why. I looked around and nothing appeared to be wrong. Everyone was still smiling & happy as far as I could see, but I just kept feeling like something wasn't right. All of a sudden, my mind presented me with a vision & it wasn't pretty. What I saw was She-Man approaching the deli counter (cue scary Jaws music), and I knew I had to get the h*ll out of there before she/he showed up, stripped off her/his clothes, and jumped in with me. It was in that moment of total panic that I woke up, and thank God for that because I don't think that I could ever erase the sight of She-Man naked from my mind. No, that is one picture that I never ever want to have burned into my memory, thank you very much.

JB

Letters To My Deli Customers - Part 2

Dear 'Allergic To MSG' Customer,

I think you're under the impression that I'm an allergy specialist masquerading as a deli clerk because only you come in every week asking me questions about what you can and can't eat. Is there MSG in Brie? Like I told you before, no, there isn't. What about in Camembert? For the love of God, lady, no! But, I can't eat Parmesan. Yeah, I know, you told me 50 times. So, there's no MSG in Brie or Camembert? NOOOOOO, damn, it, NO!!! I mean, exactly where do you think we get our Brie & Camembert from, The Golden Dragon Restaurant down the street?? Please, lady, do me a favour and educate yourself about food, so you can stop being such a pain in my a**, OK? Or, better yet, JUST STAY THE H*LL AWAY FROM ME!!

Thanks,
JB

Dear 'Metric Conversion Challenged' Customer,

Why can't you get it through your damn head that 100 grams and 1 pound do not weigh the same thing? Seriously, every bloody time you come in I have to tell you. Are you that freakin' dense? For the love of God, pal, use Google to get a clue, or ask someone smarter than you to explain the difference in itty bitty baby steps until it's permanently seared into your memory. Then, as I told 'Numerically Challenged' customer, DO THE F**KING MATH BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE, PLEASE!!!

Thanks,
JB

Dear 'Never Know What You Want' Customer,

Why the h*ll can't you make a grocery list before you leave the house? If you don’t know what you want when your turn comes up at the counter, please let the next person go ahead of you, instead of hemming and hawing about how you don't know what to get your kids, or your husband, or whether you want salami or chicken, or blah, blah, blah. CAN'T YOU SEE THAT YOU'RE HOLDING UP THE LINE AND PEOPLE ARE GETTING MAD???!!! Do you have any idea what it's like after you leave and I have to deal with those people that you pissed off? Believe me, it’s not pretty. So, either you start figuring out what you want before you show up, or STAY HOME!!!!!!!

Thanks,
JB

Anna & Her Gang

At least once a week there is this one particular elderly woman that I usually end up serving at the deli. Unlike some people, she never causes me any grief, so imagine how surprised (more like shocked) I was last week when I discovered that the old gal is not as innocent as she seems.

Manager: (who was standing beside me at the time, nudges me and whispers) Watch out for that old lady.

Me: (glancing in the direction my manager was looking) Who? (seeing the old woman) Her? She’s really nice.

Manager: Oh, you think?

Me: Yeah, why?

Manager: She’s a shoplifter.

Me: (stunned) What??

Manager: Not only that, she’s the leader of an entire gang of old folks who steal.

Me: (super duper stunned) WHAT??!!

Manager: It’s true.

Me: OMG, how many of them are there?

Manager: Including Anna, there are six.

Me: Anna?? You know her name?

Manager: Oh, yeah. Anna & her gang made the paper for stealing from one end of the city to the other.

Me: Seriously? They steal citywide?

Manager: Yup. They all come in together, but only one does the actual stealing because the rest are busy causing some sort of distraction so that everyone comes to the rescue of old folks in distress.

Me: (laughing) OMG, that is so crazy!! What the h*ll are they stealing?

Manager: Meat, cheese, milk… You name it, they steal it.

Me: (still laughing) Holy crap!

Manager: I can't believe you haven't seen them in the winter. Anna wears this big fur coat with inside pockets and she stashes meat in them.

Me: (practically on the floor laughing) Fur coat??!! Meat??!!

Manager: Yup, they really got a thing for meat.

Me: OMG, what do they do with it?

Manager: They go back to the retirement home and sell their stolen goods to the other old people… with a mark up.

Me: WHAT?? They do not!! No!!!

Manager: I'm totally serious.

Me: OMG, I have to ask my sister if she’s seen them in her store.

Manager: I wouldn't doubt it.

When I got home, the first thing I did was call up my sister to ask about Anna & her gang. Being the know-it-all that my sister is, I should have known that she’d heard about them long before I did.

Sister: Uh, yeah, stupid (oh, how she loves me), it’s the same bunch of old folks that steal from stores in our end of the city.

Me: Are you kidding me? They go all the way to where you are too?

Sister: Sure, they were here last week. They go from one end of the city to the other so they don't get caught.

Me: Holy sh*t!!

Sister: We know about them though, so our floor walkers (i.e. undercover security) stay right behind them all the time.

Me: But they're old people.

Sister: And they’re f**kin' evil! (OK, easy, girl) They resell what they steal to their old friends for double the cost.

Me: Geez, it's like a fu**ked up version of Robin Hood.

Sister: (laughing) Yeah, pretty much.

After I hung up the phone, I sat back & tried to make sense of it all. I mean, what the heck is going on? Could it be that Anna and her gang are so bored that they have to get their kicks by stealing? Are things so bad in their retirement home that they have to steal food & other items? I don't know what to think.

JB

Letters To My Deli Customers

Remember when I wrote Letters To My Customers and Letters To My Customers - Part 2 because my restaurant clientele was driving me bonkers during Christmas time last year? Well, now some of my deli regulars are getting on my nerves, so I think it's time for my first installment of Letters To My Deli Customers.

Dear 'Numerically Challenged' Customer,

I'm so sick of you not knowing how much meat you want every time I have to serve you. If you come to the counter and ask for ham, your answer to my question "How much would you like?" should be something like 12 slices or 500 grams, not 'I don't know' or 'Well, how much do I need for 6 sandwiches?' or anything else that requires me to figure out your sh*t for you. Seriously, how the h*ll should I know how much you need for 6 sandwiches? Some people like a lot of meat, some people like only a couple of slices. So, think about how you like your sandwiches, and then DO THE F**KING MATH BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE!!!

Thanks,
JB

Dear 'Dieting' Customer,

You really need to stop telling me that you're on a diet every time you come in because, honestly, I don't care. I mean, WTF are you doing in a deli in the first place? Do you think we have diet deli meat or something? Well, news flash, lady, we don't. So, if you have any intention of sticking to your diet, set your sights on the produce section of your grocery store & STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY COUNTER!!

Thanks,
JB

Dear 'Time Challenged' Customer,

When you approach the counter and I say that I'll be right with you, I mean I'll be right with you. In other words, unless I’m done serving the person ahead of you, I'm not going to take your order, OK? So, stop giving me dirty looks, rolling your eyes, sighing loudly, flaring your nostrils, and doing whatever else you think will make me drop what I’m doing to focus on you because you're in a rush. Last time I checked, I'm not your deli b*tch, nor is it my f**king problem that you can't manage your time properly. Either find a way to get your a** to the deli when you don't have somewhere else you have to be, or DON'T BOTHER COMING AT ALL!!

Thanks,
JB

Customer of the Week: She-Man

I've been bringing you customer requests of the week for a little while now, but today I'm going to switch things up because it wasn't the request that struck me, but the person making the request. At the time, I was headfirst in the deli counter fridge organizing the hams, so I didn't even see this person coming. I just heard tapping on the glass, and that's what made me look up. Standing there was… Well… I have no idea.

She? He? Pat from SNL? Seriously, I couldn't tell, and her/his googly eyes (you know, one eye that looks one way, while the other is looking for God knows what), were only adding to my confusion. She-Man, I thought to myself, trying to look as natural as possible as I attempted to make a more accurate ID.

She-Man: Good morning, how are you today?

Me: (Holy freakin' Darth Vader voice!!!!!) Ah, good (liar, liar, pants on fire). How can I help you?

She-Man: I would like 500 grams...

Me: ('Luke, I am your father.')

She-Man: ...of Black Forest ham.

Me: (focus, JB, focus) OK, shaved or sliced?

She-Man: Hold on there, little lady. I'm not done giving you my order.

Me: (OMG, please don't eat me!! Isn't it bad enough that your James Earl Jones voice just about gave me a freakin' heart attack a few seconds ago?) Oh… OK.

She-Man: What's the big hurry? Are you trying to get rid of me?

Me: (yes… slowly backing away from the counter as She-Man starts laughing at her/his own joke in the deepest, most robust laugh I have ever heard ...holy crap) What else can I get you?

She-Man: I'd also like 400 grams of mock chicken, and 500 grams of turkey, the seasoned kind. That's it.

Me: (catching the 'ha, ha, sucker!' expression on my co-worker's face coming at me from the corner of my eye) No problem. (he better quit it before She-Man notices, or we're deli meat) Will that be shaved or sliced?

She-Man: Shaved, of course.

Me: (you could use a shave) Of course...

As I stood there shaving the meats, I glanced as inconspicuously as possible over the slicer trying to make a positive gender ID, but her/his generic green sweatshirt & black pants gave me little to go on. Suddenly, She-Man caught me looking with her/his wondering eye and gave me a little smile that made me shudder right down to my toes. There were no pearly whites in her/his mouth, just a whole lot of yellow. I half smiled in return, and then focused my attention back on the slicer.

As I placed the first package of deli meat on the counter, She-Man grabbed it faster than I could blink. OMG, I have never seen such huge hands!! They could have covered my face and suffocated me.

She-Man: Thanks, that's great.

Me: (just nodding as I made my way back over to the slicer)

She-Man: You're new here, right?

Me: (uh oh, an observation that can only mean one thing --- it wasn't She-Man's first visit to the deli, and not likely the last) Yes.

She-Man: I know because I shop here all the time

Me: (my fear confirmed) Great.

She-Man: Where do you come from?

Me: (I think the real question is where do you come from?) Here. (not much of an answer, but the less specific, the better)

She-Man: Oh, good.

Me: (clearly less specific was the way to go) Here you are (placing the other two packages on the counter).

She-Man: (practically taking my hands along with the deli meat) Thank you. You're a good clerk. I liked your service.

Me: Um, thanks for the kind words.

She-Man: (leaning over the counter and whispering) I don't like the other girls that work here. They stare at me. I know this for a fact.

Me: (gee, I wonder why, I thought, holding my breath as I backed away ever so slightly) I'm happy you enjoyed my service. (now, please go because I'm terrified you might ask me out)

She-Man: See you again soon.

Dear God, please, no.

JB

Quit Mocking Me!

Not long ago, I told you about the woman who came to the deli asking for our least fake meat. Meanwhile, she ended up buying one of the most fake meats we have – mock chicken. Well, she is one of many who come in daily to buy mock chicken. It’s our most popular deli meat. We sell 2 to 3 blocks of it a day. I often wonder if these people know what it’s made of, or if they just don’t want to know. Personally, I like to know what I’m ingesting, so I read labels. This is what’s listed on the one for mock chicken:

Ingredients

Mechanically separated meats (turkey and/or pork), pork and/or beef, water, modified milk ingredients, salt, modified corn starch, soy protein, monosodium glutamate, sodium phosphate, sodium erythorbate, spices, sodium nitrate, wheat flour

Nutrition Facts per 100g:

Calories - 250
Fat - 21g (32% daily value)
Saturated - 7g
Trans - 1g
Cholesterol - 40mg
Sodium - 1280mg (53% daily value)
Carbs - 5g
Fibre - 0g (0% daily value)
Sugars - 3g
Protein - 11g

What do you guys think? Would you eat the stuff? If you already do, will you ever eat it again now that you know what's in it?

JB

Customer Request of the Week: No Fat Salami

Remember when I blogged about the lady who came into the deli asking for shav-ed ham? Well, she came back, but not for ham. This time she wanted Salami. Sounds easy enough, but it got complicated fast.

Me: Hello (OMG, it's shav-ed ham lady), mam, what can I get you today?

Lady: I want some Salami.

Me: Alright. What kind would you like?

Lady: No fat Salami.

Me: (here we go, I thought, fighting back a laugh) Mam, there's no such thing as Salami with no fat.

Lady: Yes, there is.

Me: (just like there's shave-ed ham, right?) OK, but not at this deli.

Lady: Well, what Salami has the least amount of fat?

Me: None of them, really.

Lady: Well, that just won't do.

Me: I don't know what to say.

Lady: (no response... just surveying the deli meats behind the glass)

Me: Can I make a suggestion?

Lady: Sure.

Me: How about some Chicken Salami?

Lady: Excuse me? Did you just say, Chicken Salami?

Me: Yes. Chicken is lower in fat, so...

Lady: (leaning over the counter and whispering) What is Chicken Salami?

Me: (I can't believe she just did that) I don't know, exactly (picking up the Chicken Salami).

Lady: Is there really chicken in it?

Me: Uh, it says here (reading off the label) traces of beef and/or pork, mechanically separated chicken, starch...

Lady: No, that won't do.

Me: Alright, how about the Mustard Seed Salami?

Lady: Is that the one with the least fat?

Me: Yes.

Lady: OK, then. I'll take 200 grams.

What she didn't know was that I lied. I know, I was bad. I'm probably going to deli hell, but there is no such thing as no fat Salami. Just like there is no such thing as shav-ed ham. Seriously, lady.

Me: (walking back from the slicer) Here you go, mam. I hope this does the trick for you.

Lady: Well, like I said, it's not for me.


What? No she didn't.

JB

Customer Request of the Week: Least Fake Meat

This week was my first week back on my feet at the deli since my banana slip. I’m still pretty sore, but the dizziness has subsided for the most part. As long as I don’t make any sudden movements, I’m alright. I'll tell you who isn't alright though. It's a woman who came in and asked me a question that left me, well, stunned.

Me: Hi there, what can I get you today?

Woman: What’s the least fake meat that you have?

Me: (like I said, stunned) Ah… nothing really.

Woman: What do you mean nothing?

Me: Nothing means nothing.

Woman: Surely, there has to be something?

Me: Um...

Woman: Not all this stuff is bad.

Me: (it’s processed meat, lady) Some are better than others, but…

Woman: I need some meats for school lunches for my kids.

Me: Well, I would choose something from the more expensive meats (pointing them out for her). They cost a bit more, but are less processed, which means they have less nitrates & sodium.

Woman: Those are too expensive.

Me: (but you sure can afford that Louie Vuitton handbag you got hanging off your shoulder & the Burberry scarf around your neck) If it’s least fake meat that you’re after, this is it.

Woman: Hmm… this is more complicated then I thought.

Me: (just watching her survey the meats and thinking to myself, why, because if you spend too much on lunch meat, you can’t by a pair of new shoes today?)

Then, after a minute or so…

Me: (glancing at the line of customers waiting to be served) Mam, have you decided?

Woman: Yes.

Me: (finally) OK, what will it be?

Woman: I'll take 200 grams of chicken salami, 300 grams of mock chicken, and 200 grams of maple leaf bologna.

Me: Alright, I’ll get that ready to go for you.

Off I went to the slicer, thinking what the h*ll is wrong with some people? I mean, if she can afford designer fashion, surely she can afford to buy healthier food for her children. Seriously, for someone who wanted our least fake meat, she couldn't have picked something more fake than mock chicken. It’s "mock" chicken.

Me: (handing over her packages) There you go.

Woman: Thanks for all your help (what help? the help you ignored?) & sorry for keeping you. I see you've gotten busy.

Me: Oh, no worries. (just go already… go buy whatever it is that’s more important than what you feed your children)

Man, my head hurts...

JB

Customer Request of the Week: Shav-ed Ham

For those of you who don't know, I've been helping out my friend at his deli for a couple of months now, and I have to say that it's been a nice change from the restaurant biz. Seriously, I enjoy my time there very much. Anyway, I promised that I would write deli related posts, so I thought I'd start off with a customer request for ham, more specifically, shav-ed ham. No, that is not a typo. Read it out loud to yourself for a second, shav... ed... ham. I figured that the lady making the request meant 'shaved' ham and was just pronouncing it 'shav-ed' because of her accent (her first language was clearly French), but no.

JB: Good afternoon, mam. What can I get for you today?

Lady: I would like some shav-ed ham.

JB: Mam, do you mean, 'shaved' ham?

Lady: No, shav-ed ham.

JB: OK (wtf??), mam, what kind of ham?

Lady: Shav-ed ham.

JB: Yes, I know, but what kind? We have Black Forest Ham, Honey Maple Ham, Honey Maple Garlic Ham, Smoked Ham, Hardwood Ham, Cooked Ham, Peppered Ham...

Lady: No, I want shav-ed ham.

JB: (OMG, are you for real, lady?) Mam, I understand, but which kind would you like me to shave for you?

Lady: Shav-ed ham!

JB: Shav-ed ham, OK. I can shav-ed anything for you, but you have to tell me what kind of ham.

Lady: Ah, shav-ed ham... that's all I want.

JB: I know that's all you want, but you need to tell me what kind of shav-ed ham you want.

Lady: (throwing her hands up in the air) Uh, enough! I want nothing.

Off she went, leaving me completely dumbfounded.

Co-Worker: (coming in from the back of the store) JB, are you OK?

JB: Yeah... Um, do we have shav-ed ham?

Co-Worker: What?

JB: Do we have shav-ed ham?

Co-Worker: You mean 'shaved' ham?

JB: No, shav-ed. That lady who just left, she wanted shav-ed ham.

Co-Worker: There's no such thing as shav-ed ham.

JB: Ok, just checking.

I dare you to go to your deli and ask for shav-ed ham. Let me know what happens.

JB