Food for Thought: "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M.

Hi All,

I'm not sure how to start this post, so forgive me if it gets long winded or sounds like I am preaching by the time I am done....

If you haven't heard already, celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain is dead. The cause of death was suicide, this news coming just days after fashion designer Kate Spade was found dead, her death also ruled suicide. I can't even begin to imagine the pain they were in and how long they must have been suffering in silence.

You might be thinking, why does this matter to me and why should it matter to you? Well, it's quite simple, really. There are a lot of people out there suffering in silence -- people you know, people you don't know, maybe even you. In fact, a few weeks ago, the co-worker of a family member took her own life. I didn't know this person, but someone close to me did.

So, you see, just because we never knew Anthony or Kate personally, it doesn't mean that we shouldn't care. What we should be doing is opening up our eyes to those around us and letting people know that they are not alone. This is why I am sharing the video "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M. I've also included the lyrics below. I just want to offer some hope in whatever small way I can, and the message in this song expresses what I want to convey.

Everybody Hurts

R.E.M.

When your day is long
And the night
The night is yours alone
When you're sure you've had enough
Of this life
Well hang on
Don't let yourself go
'Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone (hold on)
(Hold on) if you feel like letting go (hold on)
If you think you've had too much
Of this life
Well, hang on

'Cause everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts
Don't throw your hand
Oh, no
Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone

No, no, no, you're not alone
If you're on your own
In this life
The days and nights are long
When you think you've had too much
Of this life
To hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes
Everybody cries
And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes
So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on

Everybody hurts

You are not alone

Songwriters: Bill Berry / Michael Stipe / Peter Buck / Michael Mills
Everybody Hurts lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc, Universal Music Publishing Group

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Need help/want to talk?

National Suicide Prevention Service in Canada: 1-833-456-4566 | Text 45645

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline in the United States: 1-800-273-8255

International: YourLifeCounts
 
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"Don't let yourself go... you are not alone... hold on...."

💗 Eddy

For The Sake Of My Mental Health: It's Over!

It’s over, finally. I did what I have been avoiding for a long time. I cut ties with my Ex. It was time. As much as I wanted to be friends, it was never going to happen. As long as HWSNBN is in the picture, being friends won't work, not now, not ever. I mean, really, how can two people be friends when the thing that destroyed them is there as a constant reminder of the hurt, lies, betrayal, hate, and all the rest of it?

So, I composed myself, and made the call. I asked her how we could be friends when I can never go to her home and share a meal with her at her table, or just hang out and watch a movie, etc. She responded by telling me that she was living in a fantasy world, she didn't know how it would work, and that I was right. I asked her where she thought she's going to go with this whole fantasy life and how she can be so naive, but I already knew the answer to my own question. Fact is, she has always wanted what she wants, when she wants, so I didn't expect much more from her. In the end, I told her: Being friends isn't going to work, so I have to let you go. Be happy in your life, take care of yourself, and if one day you decide to do the right thing, so be it. Until then, it’s good-bye.

I feel so sad & empty today (actually, I feel kind of sick, to tell you the truth) because I have fought for this friendship for two years, not knowing I was being lied to (read my older posts for the back story) the whole time, and now I had to be the one to do the right thing. Oh well, I guess it’s for me & my mental health, and I hope it will help her figure things out for herself. This really was the only way out for both of us. I don’t want to hurt her, and I don’t want to be hurt again. I will be sad, and I will miss her, but maybe, just maybe, some good will come from all of this.

JB

My Blanket of Sadness

It’s 1 o'clock in the morning and, as usual, I can’t sleep. Only, this time is different than most sleepless nights because tonight I dug out my blanket, the one that I have been hiding for the last few weeks. My blanket of sadness... the one that consists of the last three years of my life woven into one tangled & messy weave, otherwise known as the life of a depressed person trying to hide from all the hurt and pain that she's experienced because of a failed relationship with the one person who she thought would never fail her... the one person who she thought would love her forever.

Tonight, my blanket of sadness has a strangle hold on me, and it won’t let go. Sitting at the edge of my bed crying like my kitten just died, I realize that the hurt is still there no matter what, and my blanket is the only thing that gives me comfort. The agonizing thought that two people who played a cruel & unthinkable game with me could be sharing a bed together makes me want to move to another country, just so I never have to witness the mockery of this affair. Someone tell me how you can live a truth that was based on lies to start off with?

On the floor by my feet, there's a puddle of tears surrounded by Kleenex. It's a familiar scene that I thought was finally over, but I guess my blanket of sadness is wrapped around me tighter than I thought. I have been trying to store it away permanently, and hope I will soon. For now, I need to cover my face because my tears feel like acid, and my eyes are burning. I need to say this: I hate them both with an undeniable passion, and wish them pain & suffering for the rest of their lives. This may sound mean, but it's what I feel... it's the hurt talking. Some people would probably say worse. All I know is that I need to release it. The sadness is only a temporary thing that will fade as my wounds heal.

I know that I may declare love for this woman in some of my posts, but there is a thin line between love and hate. You can’t draw the line properly because it’s blurred. We love as hard as we hate, and I am living proof of this. I have forgiven myself, but tonight I hate this overwhelming feeling of loosing control. Something has taken over my heart, and filled it with the hate that I am trying to unload.

Why are you here tonight, sadness and hate? Why are you strangling me? Are you reminding me that I am alive and need to feel all that is in me?

Wrapping the blanket tighter, I feel secure that I will finish this, and then get to sleep like a child. I miss that kind of sleep so much. Maybe, I will dream of the love that once cared for me, who held me in her gaze for hours and watched me sleep. I miss her as much as I hate her. My heart and soul ache for her touch, her lips, her love.

My blanket of sadness is holding the hurt, sad, betrayed, and somewhat depressed women deep within me... the woman who never once gave up on her love, yet whose love gave up on her in a heart beat because a half life was easier to settle for than a full life. It's sad what people will do to fit into the structures dictated by others.

JB

Divine Intervention: My Conversation With God

I've had something on my mind for a few weeks now, and would like to share it with all of you. It started about 5 months ago. I had a really tough day at work with my mom and sister, and all I wanted was to get the hell out of dodge and not look back. The absolute final straw was my Ex calling me up, crying on the phone, giving me her "this is who I am" & "never speak to me again" bullsh*t.

Truly, it was a hellish day, and I couldn't deal anymore. I ended up leaving in the middle of service. As I headed home, I experienced a wicked flash of a blackout. I pulled over, and I thought for sure that I was going to pass out, so I closed my eyes and just sat for about 30 minutes, until everything stopped spinning.

When I got home, I threw my stuff on my bedroom floor, stripped down naked, and just fell to my knees and started to weep like a child. I cried for an hour straight, praying to God (I can't remember the last time I really prayed to Him) to release me from the chains that were holding me down. I told Him, I surrender. I quit. He wins. I’m throwing down the white flag. I am beat. Please, make the pain stop. Please, stop this aching in my core. I can’t bare it anymore.

When the tears finally stopped, I was surrounded by wet Kleenex, and my cat was staring at me with a look that said, "Are you going to feed me anytime soon or are you going to continue crying?" I got up, still naked, and fed the cat. Then, I pulled my yoga mat to my bed, got on my knees, blew my nose, and started to pray again. Please, I surrender to you, I told God. I have been beat, ripped, punched, pummeled, and here I kneel before You, asking You to release me from this agony. I said, please guide my foot steps, and may Thy will be done. Whatever it is, I am ready to receive it. Have I not proven myself to You? Have I not done enough good to deserve a little reprieve from all of this? God, are you there listening to me? Please, send me a sign. I promise to listen, watch, pay attention, and be more aware of the path of others. I asked Him to pray for those who have lost their way to be guided back onto the right path. I could feel the tears coming, and they came. I held my head in my hands and rocked myself. I felt like I was caught between Heaven and Hell, and I asked God to send me to either one place or the other. I just wanted to be released, to be free, and to live true to my heart... to live a full life and not a half life.

So, there you have it, my conversation with God, and I am so glad for it because the next day everything changed for me. I had sense of clarity and feelings of peace & harmony. I can't explain it, but I think that some Divine intervention took place that night.

Peace,
JB

HWSNBN: Burn, Baby, Burn!

It's night and I can’t sleep (big surprise), so I thought that maybe it would be a good time to clean house, shall we say. I opened a cold Corona beer, made a cup of herbal tea (yeah, beer and tea... I like to mix it up at night), pulled my photo albums off the shelf, and started to rip out every single picture of my Ex and HWSNBN, posing together. I can’t rip pictures of my Ex, but of no problem. I have three albums to go through, but their will probably be only two left by the time I'm done. I wish I could just burn HWSNBN & the pictures, but my roommate is sleeping, and starting fire probably wouldn't be a good idea.

It's really sad, cruel, and totally unbelievable how mean people are to the ones they love. I never thought that ripping photos would be something that I would do, but after being hurt so bad by two people that I trusted completely, who wouldn’t? All these pictures that captured the good times that we had as friends are now nothing more than a lie. I can’t look at them without getting really mad, sad or sick to my stomach. I find HWSNBN absolutely revolting. There's this picture of him licking my Ex’s face. At the time, it was all in good fun, but now I know better. Personally, I would love to go and give him a slap in the face, but I respect myself to much, and refuse to lower myself to his level. So, ripping and tearing these pictures of him will have to do.

Time for another cold one.

JB

Dealing

There is a great Marilyn Manson song that I have been listening to called "The Speed of Pain" (it's on the Mechanical Animals CD), Please, do yourself a favour and take a listen to it if you've been searching for words to describe the pain that was inflicted upon you by someone you loved. My fave line in the song is "I wish I could sleep, but I can't lay on my back because there's a knife for everyday that I've known you." This line sums it up for me, today at least. Perhaps, tomorrow, when I pull one of the 4745 knifes out of my back and wash the black blood off, I may feel a little better about it. For now, Marilyn Manson and Eckhart Tolle are my two closest friends. If you are wondering how they fit together, they just do.

Meanwhile, this story, my story, has so many layers, so many characters, that it will take some time unfold in its entirety. Getting dumped has offered me a way of dealing with the hurt and the betrayal in so many new ways. I think this will be a good journey for me and whoever else wants to tag along. Just remember to be careful what you wish for because it may not be what you really want

JB

The Other Side

When you haven't been on a date in years, it's kinda strange to be sitting in front of someone who is essentially about give you an interview. For some people, dating has become a sport. Exactly how many times do you play the dating game before you meet the person who wows you? Well, I say it's going to take a while because, as far as I can tell, people are lost. They don't know what they want and they don't know what they have until it's gone.

Here's the scoop about me: I was in love, I got dumped, and I've recently started dating again. All I have to say about dating at my age is that everyone has a story. In fact, they all seem to have similar stories --- married once, husband cheated or stopped loving them, they had children, and now they are restarting their lives. I do my best to listen because a lot of these women need someone just to listen to them, but it's weird because all of these women are coming from relationships with men, and going to a man-free zone on the "other side" -- my side. It's like these women think that it's better to be with women than with men, and that's where I come in and try to explain that it's all the same. Women are not better than men; they are the same. Just because you think it's better to be with a woman, doesn't mean that you're going to be immune to being hurt by one. Nobody gets by unscathed when love fails, no matter what side you're bating for. Hurt is hurt. Man or woman, it will hurt. That's it.

Anyway, on and on they go, and I sit & listen, and wonder what the h*ll I'm doing there. I am not going on a training mission for straight women who want to change sides because their husbands f*cked them over, so they're going to show them, or me, or God, or the cat, or the dog, or h*ll if I know that they can finally be themselves --- gay, happy, and free. I don't think so, ladies. It does not work like that, and, as I said before, someone always gets hurt in the end. When I ask these women if they've actually ever been with a woman, usually they tell me that they had an experience in high school, or when they were in college or university. My fave answer has to be when they tell me that they always knew that they were attracted to women. OK, right, but you still got married and had kids?? When I ask these women what they're looking for right now, the answers are even better... not. Most of them say that they are looking for someone who will love them for who they are. Right, but do you even know who that is?? Oh, and I just love it when they tell me that they're looking for their "sweetie." What the h*ll is that?? "My sweetie" -- please, spare me! When they talk like that I wonder if being straight has affected their brains. If it's not those type of responses coming out of their mouths, I get this deep philosophical bullsh*t that makes no sense whatsoever, and I just smile and say, "Yeah, yeah, I get where you're coming from (and I can't wait to get the h*ll away from you because if you're coming over to my side, I'm going to find a boyfriend)." Please, don't ever wonder why men are gay. Women do it to them. Women are not in their right minds, especially when they have their period. I know this because I am a woman.

So, yeah, dating... I will keep discovering who is really "out" -- or -- who thinks they should be. I will try to keep the straight ones on the straight path, but if a few slip by at least I will have given them enough tools to get them started on their lesbian super adventure.

JB