Customer of the Week: Oatmeal Raisin Cookie Guy

Like most days in the bakery, I was busy decorating cakes last Saturday, and everything was going great. Well, at least until I happened to glance up to see the man from hell coming my way. I swear, this guy is the long lost cousin of Satan. He shows up pretty much every Saturday and walks straight into the bakery asking for oatmeal raisin cookies. Obviously, only employees are allowed in the bakery, and, more importantly, only employees wearing the proper headgear, aka a hairnet. They're so sexy, I think I might get one in every colour... NOT!

Anyway, in walks Oatmeal Raisin Cookie Guy (ORCG), and so begins our Saturday morning routine.

Me: Sir, I'm sorry, but you're not allowed back here.

ORCG: I want oatmeal raisin cookies, fresh, today only.

Me: Sir, please step around to the other side of the counter.

ORCG: (walking out of the bakery) OK, now you give me fresh oatmeal raisin cookies.

Me: (how about a slap upside the head?) As I told you before sir, we no longer pack oatmeal raisin cookies on their own. We only have the mixed family pack. You get two rows of oatmeal raisin & one row of chocolate chip.

ORCG: I want oatmeal raisin cookies from today.

Me: Sir, the cookies were made yesterday, so they are still quite fresh, but they only come packed with the chocolate chip cookies.

ORCG: So, you do not have oatmeal raisin cookies for me?

Me: (WTF, am I speaking Chinese or something?) Yes, we do, but not packed on their own, sir. Again, they only come in mixed family packs.

ORCG: (nothing, just staring at me)

Me: Sir?

ORCG: Why can't you open two family packs, and then put all of the oatmeal raisin cookies into one?

Me: (I wish I could so I could get you out of my face) I'm sorry, but we are not allowed to do that, sir. It's against store policy.

ORCG: Why? I'm still going to pay.

Me: I understand, sir, but we can't open a package once it has been sealed.

ORCG: (again, just staring at me)

Me: (nothing, just staring right back at him, and trying hard not to laugh because his face was going red, and I couldn't stop thinking about how crazy it was that a grown man was this adamant about having a pack of just oatmeal raisin cookies)

ORCG: (calmly, but looking like his head might explode) I want oatmeal raisin cookies... only.

Me: (OK, seriously, dude, you need help) I'm sorry, sir. You can always talk to the store director about this.

ORCG: I will!!

Don't I know it, I thought to myself, as he turned around and walked away in a big huff in search of the store director. Meanwhile, I went back to decorating the cake I'd been working on before he showed up.

I'm not sure how much time went by, but I was deep in the cake zone when I heard the store director say my name.

Director: Hey, JB.

Me: (walking up to the counter) Is everything OK?

Director: What the hell is with that guy is all I have to say.

Me: I know, seriously.

Director: I told him the policy on family pack cookies and he yelled at me.

Me: I tried to tell him too, but he won't listen. I swear he comes here every week just to see how far he can go before I snap, not because he really wants those damn cookies.

Director: He said he's going to another store.

Me: Oh, sure he is, but he'll be back. He told me once before that he's been coming here for years and that this is his store.

Director: (starting to walk away from the counter) God, help us all. I really need to go home and have a drink.

Yeah, and I need to get the f**k out of this business before I go postal, I thought to myself as I watched him head back to his office.

JB

Drifting Thoughts

(Original post date: Saturday, August 9th, 2008)

I am filled with an emptiness that’s larger than an ocean blue across a vast horizon. Talking does not make me feel better. It only hurts more when the words don't come as easily as one may think. Talk, but nothing is coming out, only emptiness is left.

I can't express myself, can't find myself in this skin suit I'm wearing. I am only a shell of who I used to be. Where have I gone? Where do I begin to look for me?

Shall I light a fire so that I can find my way home? Shall I send out a message in a bottle? It's hard to describe to someone how you feel when you can't feel it yourself and the words have disappeared into the darkness of your mind.

Darkness is falling over my soul... the soul of a lost child, trapped in a grown woman’s body and who has never experienced childhood. I have absorbed the sins of my father and mother, and have been lost in their hell.

I want to escape this world, leave it for a beautiful paradise... fly up to the sky, release my chains into the wind, and be free... escape to that quiet place I so desire to find, where I can smell the scents of the earth all over my body and let it blanket me.

I would love to sleep and not wake... slumber deep into the night... drift into a place of limitless air, breathe warm breaths of heaven, and lie down in a pillow of fresh dew.

I have nothing left in me. I am being drained slowly day in and day out. Soon, I will be a shell of who I was, unrecognizable to me or you... nothing left but my hollow corpse of dried blood, cracked flesh, and broken bones.

What used to be has to end. Nothing is as it was. Let go and go forth without hesitation... love and be loved... stay strong and never look back.

I, you, we are only one, and one we will always be.

JB

Training Day: JB Meets CN

Did any of you ever watch the TV show Seinfeld? If yes, do you remember the Soup Nazi character? Well, did you know that there's also a Cake Nazi out there? Oh, yeah, my friends, I'm for real, and she's was the bane of my existence for weeks. You see, when I was training for my new position, she was the one cracking the spatula. I didn't have time to blog about her then, but I made notes in my journal during my breaks, so I'm ready to tell you all about her now.

Cake Nazi (aka CN) and I met on a Tuesday. I was ready to get started with my training, but definitely not ready for the woman who was about to arrive. She came in from the entrance behind me, so I had to turn around to greet her. When I did, there was this larger than life woman with a super straight bang that just about took out my eyes

Me: (Holy God in heaven, are you kidding me?) Uh, hi, I'm JB.

CN: (without a hint of politeness) Who are you?

Me: I'm JB, you're supposed to train me.

CN: Who are you?

Me: (how the h*ll can't she hear me when she's so close I can almost french kiss her?) I'm JB. I'm going to be training with you for the next 10 weeks. I was told you're the best.

CN: Great, just what I need, yet another untrained cake person. Who are you again?

Me: (what is this, some bizarre form of intimidation?) Like I said, I'm JB.

CN: Why are you on training in the first place?

Me: (is she dense?) I'm here because I can't make cakes.

CN: What? You've never worked in a bakery at all?

Me: No.

CN: This is a serious job. Can you flat ice, make roses on cakes, use the airgun, mix the icing? Can you do any of that?

Me: Flat ice??

CN: (looking at me with an evil glare) Go over there and grab the cupcakes... all three boxes... ice them, roll them, put the toys on them, and then go get a box of slabs and we'll flat ice for the rest of the day. And, JB, don't think I won't watch you.

Me: (nothing, just trying to register everything that she just said)

CN: Well, are you just going to stand there looking at me?

Me: Uh, no, I... cupcakes... I'm on it... them... going now... (holy crap, I'm training with a Cake Nazi!!)

CN: This is going to be more painful for you than it is for me, JB.

Me: (just don't sit on me, lady, please) I'll just go over there (the far side of the prep table), and start on those cupcakes.

Off I went to my little corner of the table and made freaking cupcakes for a good 4 hours. I swear I made 500 of them. Then, for the next 6 hours, I flat iced 16 1/4 slabs for birthday cakes. CN observed me all day, but didn't say a word. When it was time for me to head home, I said bye to her, but she didn't say anything back. These next 10 weeks are going to be some of the longest of my life, I thought to myself. The woman is going to try to break me down until I cry for mercy. Yeah, right!!! CN has no idea that I've spent practically my whole life working with my mother, and if my ma can't break me, no one can.

JB

What's Up With Pregnant Women & Parking Spots??

Today I'm going to share a story from back when I first started blogging. I was still in the restaurant biz then, and somehow I had more time to blog than I do now. Go figure.

(Original post date: Thursday, August 7th, 2008)

I really thought that today would be business as usual for me. I went to run some errands & do some other mundane stuff. Yup, pretty boring for a Thursday, until I decided to go to the grocery store to buy some soft drinks (that's pop or soda, for those of you wondering what the h*ll I'm talking about). They were on sale, so I bought ten cases (stop wondering who drinks ten cases of soft drinks... it's for work, not for me). OK, but I am getting ahead of myself, so let me back up to when we (my mom was with me) pulled into the grocery store parking lot. I saw that it wasn't busy, so I decided that I would park as close as I could to the door. The shorter the distance that I had to push two shopping carts full of heavy soft drink cases, the better is what I was thinking. Obviously, that wasn't my first time buying ten cases of soft drinks all at once, so that's how I knew it would take two carts to bring the cases out to the car.

Anyway, as I was saying, I wanted to park close by, so I decided to park in a spot meant for pregnant women, the third one from the end, just in case an expecting mom needed to be closer to the door than me. Better than taking a spot reserved for someone with a disability was my thought. I also made sure that the three designated spots on the other side of the lot where empty. I took the whole pregnant lady thing seriously, thinking CYA (cover your ass).

About 15 minutes later, I was in the checkout line with my ten cases of soft drinks, and I was greeted by a cashier, a young guy who looked like he just fell of a banana boat. Heck, even his t-shirt had bananas on it.

Cashier: (noticing my ten cases) Miss, it's only 3 cases per family.

Me: (as politely as possible) I'm actually buying some for 2 other families (just a wee white lie) who can't drive.

Cashier: Cool, dude

Me: Pardon, cool who?

Cashier: You, dude.

Me: (trying not to laugh) Listen, (do you see a bong hanging off of my purse, dude, I thought to myself) can you please ring this through? I'm in a rush.

Cashier: Sure, dude.

It was obvious that he didn't have two brain cells left to rub together, and thank God for checkout scanners because I don't think he could count to ten.

After I finished, I went ahead to the car while my mother was having her items rung up by the cashier. As I was loading the soft drink cases into the trunk, I heard the most annoying voice start chattering away. I looked up, and there was a pregnant woman holding a bag full of ice cream (it was on sale, 3 cartons for 5 bucks) waving a finger at me.

Pregnant Woman: You know this spot is reserved for pregnant women.

Me: (nothing, I just looked at her and her wagging finger)

Pregnant Woman: This spot is reserved for pregnant women.

Me: Yes, Mam, I heard you the first time.

Pregnant Woman: You are not pregnant.

Me: Did the ten cases of soft drinks give me away?

Needless to say, that remark didn't go over well.

Pregnant Woman: (yelling) You know, pregnant women need their parking spots too!

On and on she went. I felt like Charlie Brown listening to his teacher wah, wah, wah away at me.

Me: (interrupting her) Why are you yelling at me?

Pregnant Woman: Excuse me?

Me: (this is what you get for yelling, Miss Thing) Instead of giving me a lecture about parking, why don't you help me put my stuff in my car?

Pregnant Woman: (nothing, just totally stunned that I just said that to her)

Me: Look around you. All of the other spots designated for pregnant women are empty. You're yelling at me about parking here, but you parked your car in a regular spot beside those empty ones designated for pregnant women. Does that make any sense?

Obviously, it didn't matter if it made any sense because she got super pissed off, and proceeded to call me names in a voice that got increasingly shrill with each nasty word that came out of her mouth. Frankly, she should have saved her breath because I couldn't make out a damn that thing she was saying at that insanely high speed frequency to begin with. The whole thing was so unreal, it was hysterical, and I started laughing. Even after she got in her car, slammed the door, and took off, I was still laughing. Meanwhile, my mother had walked out of the grocery store just in time to hear the end of pregnant lady's little tirade & watch her zoom away.

Mother: What's going on, JB? Who's that lady that drive out of here like a crazy?

Me: She's pregnant, ma. She thinks I took her parking spot.

Mother: What you taking about? (pointing toward all the empty parking spaces) Look all the place she can park close by.

Me: I know, ma.

Mother: I think having baby making her go crazy.

Yeah, note to self, don't piss off a pregnant woman who just went to the grocery store to buy ice cream.

JB

Total Eclipse of the Heart... Literally

Hi everyone, this is Eddy sitting in for JB again. This time I have a video for all of you to check out. If you're eating or drinking right now, you might want to stop for the next five & a half minutes. I watched the video while I was enjoying my morning tea, and just about choked & spit it out all over my computer screen. Beware the "blind possessed choir boys" is all I'm going to say. : )


Until next time,
Eddy