Beloved

Beloved,
In daylight,
Like a funeral pyre burning bright,
I am exposed for all to see

Tainted
Isolated
My soul
My blackened heart

I am a victim,
A wretched, twisted entity,
Crucified
By a legacy of lies

Beloved,
When darkness prevails,
Tears spill in vain
My pillow drowns

Agony
Bears vigil at my core
I am ravaged
I am torn

Night after night,
Whispering your name,
Small, silent breaths
Echoing...

Beloved
Beloved
Beloved
Beloved…

© 2009 JB. All rights reserved.

Paying It Forward

As most of you know, I had a dream that I'm supposed to help my co-worker, Jade. Well, what you don't know is that since then I have in fact been trying my best to connect with her. Of course, the thing about helping people is that, in the end, they need to want to help themselves. So, no matter what I say or do, nothing is going to change for Jade until she's ready, and that could take a while. You see, Jade might only be 24 years old, but she hasn't had it easy. Her past relationships have all been abusive & she used drugs to numb her mental, physical and emotional pain. Needless to say, life was awfully messy for Jade, and might still be today had she not given birth to a son three years ago. Now, he gets her through each day, but that doesn't change the fact that Jade’s still hurting. So, while the experiences that caused us pain might be different, pain is still pain, i.e. it hurts no matter where it comes from, and I believe that's where Jade and I will finally come to an understanding. This is why I'm not giving up on her, even though she says she doesn't like me & throws her guard up at every turn. No, I'm going to keep paying forward the support, understanding, encouragement & so much more that was offered to me when I needed it most, and I’m going to help her realize that she is an exceptional woman who hasn't even started scraping the surface of her potential. Somehow, I'm going to get through to her, and she will finally see that there are people in this world with hearts larger then she's ever known.

JB

Black Blood: A Poem For My Love

(Original post date: Tuesday, August 19th, 2008)

A body full of sorrow and pain
Veins filled with black blood,
Skin dry and cracked,
Bones broken
A human with no core and no soul
This is the image in the mirror
Staring back at me, at you
Once in love, and now full of hate
Once whole, and now ripped in two
Where do you begin?
Where do I end?
One half me, one half you
I will never find my way back, nor will you
We are separate, but the same
We are never going to be the same
The rain no longer warm and soft
Instead, thick droplets of blood
Replace the love drained from my veins
All I see is your broken, cracked face,
Filled with pain and guilt,
Empty of truth, empty of love
How do we change this aching, bitter, cracked road,
This twisting, widening mess,
To get back to that place?
The gates of heaven or hell opened for us,
By us, to service us
I am bleeding in my heart,
Choking on chunks of blood...
Feeling your loss,
Feeling your pain,
Aching in vain
What have we become?
A bag of brittle bones,
Blood to ashes,
Hate to fear
What is it that you fear??!!!
Why do you hate me so?
Knife so deep,
Cracked my heart,
Ripped my soul
Swallowing black blood...
I hold your face in my gaze,
Tears dripping down,
Wishing that this road had an end
The blood has turned to dust and ashes
Good-bye is all that's left
The last drop of blood touches my lips on yours
Rest
Good-bye is my final word,
Written in blood on your lips
Good-bye
Until we meet again...
Angel with gilded wings,
Who saved my life a long time ago,
Then took my life without a second thought, look or embrace
With black blood on your wings and hands,
How do you love me again?

© 2008 JB. All rights reserved.

Pain: My Word of the Month

Knowing that there is worse pain doesn't make present pain hurt any less.
- Real Live Preacher

Definitions for the word 'pain' found on the Web:

- a symptom of some physical hurt or disorder
- emotional distress; a fundamental feeling that people try to avoid
- a somatic sensation of acute discomfort
- something or someone that causes trouble; a source of unhappiness
- cause emotional anguish or make miserable
(wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn)

It’s -30 outside and I’m sitting here in my PJ's wondering when the pain in my heart will subside. I figure that maybe at some point it will stop or I will stop it. I haven’t figured out how yet, but sooner or later it has to go away.

The pain I feel is comprised of loneliness, sadness, disappointment, and yearning for someone who is completely oblivious and unaware of what has happened to us. I guess living in denial is easier. I wish I could be like her... dead inside. Sure, my Ex claims to be sorry, but it’s me who's alone at night with my memories and heartache. This is who I am... a heartbroken, lonely, slightly depressed person who can’t let go of the love that held her together for so many years. She, on the other hand, is a cold, heartless wench with no feelings for me whatsoever, and I don’t get it at all. How can she just put it out of her mind like it never happened?

Holy crap, I just read that back, and I'm pathetic. Please, someone slap me in the face and tell to f**king get a grip. I should be confined to a small room & made to forget, but how do you make the heart forget? I feel sad and I miss her... that’s it and that’s all.

JB

P.S. About that room, better make it a padded one, please. I hear it's easier to write on the walls.

The Hate Inside

I was going through my journal and found something that I wrote back in July of this year. As you're about to discover, I was in a very dark place at the time, so covered in hate that I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. Now, three months later, a lot of that hate has been neutralized by love, which always comes in to remind me that it’s important to remember the good times.

JB

=================================

The Hate Inside

My body is infested with hate,
Hate that came to me one cold December,
In the form of a woman
Disguised as love
She introduced hate to me slowly,
Lying to me,
But calling it love
Words of hate came from her lips,
Entered my ears,
And left their scars

I was once a kind soul,
Full of love, compassion, joy,
But hate drew me in, saying:
Let me release you
Let me give you some reprieve
Feel the hate
It will set you free
I said: No, I am a good person
Hate said: No, you're not

I tried to bury hate,
But hate came back,
Blanketed my very being,
And devoured the love I once had
Now, I need to hate,
Or I will die from hurt,
From heartbreak

I wake to hate
I bath in hate
I seep with hate
I relish the hate
I can’t breathe without hate

Hate made my skin dry
Hate made my bones ache
Hate turned my blood into poison

My eyes went black from hate
My hands only feel hate
My legs are the anchors of hate

My heart is the sewage system of hate,
Poisoning me slowly
With the venom it pumps out

Until all is settled,
Until I no longer need her hateful grasp on me,
Until hate finally drains
From the last drop of my black blood,
I will return hate to its rightful owner,
My beloved,
On a cold winter’s night

© 2008 JB. All rights reserved.

My Blanket of Sadness

It’s 1 o'clock in the morning and, as usual, I can’t sleep. Only, this time is different than most sleepless nights because tonight I dug out my blanket, the one that I have been hiding for the last few weeks. My blanket of sadness... the one that consists of the last three years of my life woven into one tangled & messy weave, otherwise known as the life of a depressed person trying to hide from all the hurt and pain that she's experienced because of a failed relationship with the one person who she thought would never fail her... the one person who she thought would love her forever.

Tonight, my blanket of sadness has a strangle hold on me, and it won’t let go. Sitting at the edge of my bed crying like my kitten just died, I realize that the hurt is still there no matter what, and my blanket is the only thing that gives me comfort. The agonizing thought that two people who played a cruel & unthinkable game with me could be sharing a bed together makes me want to move to another country, just so I never have to witness the mockery of this affair. Someone tell me how you can live a truth that was based on lies to start off with?

On the floor by my feet, there's a puddle of tears surrounded by Kleenex. It's a familiar scene that I thought was finally over, but I guess my blanket of sadness is wrapped around me tighter than I thought. I have been trying to store it away permanently, and hope I will soon. For now, I need to cover my face because my tears feel like acid, and my eyes are burning. I need to say this: I hate them both with an undeniable passion, and wish them pain & suffering for the rest of their lives. This may sound mean, but it's what I feel... it's the hurt talking. Some people would probably say worse. All I know is that I need to release it. The sadness is only a temporary thing that will fade as my wounds heal.

I know that I may declare love for this woman in some of my posts, but there is a thin line between love and hate. You can’t draw the line properly because it’s blurred. We love as hard as we hate, and I am living proof of this. I have forgiven myself, but tonight I hate this overwhelming feeling of loosing control. Something has taken over my heart, and filled it with the hate that I am trying to unload.

Why are you here tonight, sadness and hate? Why are you strangling me? Are you reminding me that I am alive and need to feel all that is in me?

Wrapping the blanket tighter, I feel secure that I will finish this, and then get to sleep like a child. I miss that kind of sleep so much. Maybe, I will dream of the love that once cared for me, who held me in her gaze for hours and watched me sleep. I miss her as much as I hate her. My heart and soul ache for her touch, her lips, her love.

My blanket of sadness is holding the hurt, sad, betrayed, and somewhat depressed women deep within me... the woman who never once gave up on her love, yet whose love gave up on her in a heart beat because a half life was easier to settle for than a full life. It's sad what people will do to fit into the structures dictated by others.

JB

Pablo Neruda: Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines

For any of you who love poetry, you're sure to love Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines, a beautiful poem by Pablo Neruda. He was an amazing poet who won the 1971 Nobel Prize in Literature. I've posted the poem below. Meanwhile, a video where you can hear actor Andy Garcia read the poem out loud can be found on my myspace page. Just click to view all of my blog entries. Then, once the page turns over, scroll down towards the bottom to locate the video.

Pablo Neruda (1904-1971)

Born: Neftalí Ricardo Reyes Basoalto
Place of Birth: Parral, Chile
Occupation: Poet, Diplomat, Political figure


Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines - Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, "The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance."

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

__________________________________________________________

My love, if I could have written this poem for you, those are the words that I would've chosen to express what is and will always be in my heart and soul, now and forever. Goodbye sweet, sweet angel, who saved my life not so long ago. May you become that beautiful women you so long to be. Goodbye, until our paths cross again on a starry night.

Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

JB

Divine Intervention: My Conversation With God

I've had something on my mind for a few weeks now, and would like to share it with all of you. It started about 5 months ago. I had a really tough day at work with my mom and sister, and all I wanted was to get the hell out of dodge and not look back. The absolute final straw was my Ex calling me up, crying on the phone, giving me her "this is who I am" & "never speak to me again" bullsh*t.

Truly, it was a hellish day, and I couldn't deal anymore. I ended up leaving in the middle of service. As I headed home, I experienced a wicked flash of a blackout. I pulled over, and I thought for sure that I was going to pass out, so I closed my eyes and just sat for about 30 minutes, until everything stopped spinning.

When I got home, I threw my stuff on my bedroom floor, stripped down naked, and just fell to my knees and started to weep like a child. I cried for an hour straight, praying to God (I can't remember the last time I really prayed to Him) to release me from the chains that were holding me down. I told Him, I surrender. I quit. He wins. I’m throwing down the white flag. I am beat. Please, make the pain stop. Please, stop this aching in my core. I can’t bare it anymore.

When the tears finally stopped, I was surrounded by wet Kleenex, and my cat was staring at me with a look that said, "Are you going to feed me anytime soon or are you going to continue crying?" I got up, still naked, and fed the cat. Then, I pulled my yoga mat to my bed, got on my knees, blew my nose, and started to pray again. Please, I surrender to you, I told God. I have been beat, ripped, punched, pummeled, and here I kneel before You, asking You to release me from this agony. I said, please guide my foot steps, and may Thy will be done. Whatever it is, I am ready to receive it. Have I not proven myself to You? Have I not done enough good to deserve a little reprieve from all of this? God, are you there listening to me? Please, send me a sign. I promise to listen, watch, pay attention, and be more aware of the path of others. I asked Him to pray for those who have lost their way to be guided back onto the right path. I could feel the tears coming, and they came. I held my head in my hands and rocked myself. I felt like I was caught between Heaven and Hell, and I asked God to send me to either one place or the other. I just wanted to be released, to be free, and to live true to my heart... to live a full life and not a half life.

So, there you have it, my conversation with God, and I am so glad for it because the next day everything changed for me. I had sense of clarity and feelings of peace & harmony. I can't explain it, but I think that some Divine intervention took place that night.

Peace,
JB

Black Blood: A Poem For My Love

A body full of sorrow and pain
Veins filled with black blood,
Skin dry and cracked,
Bones broken
A human with no core and no soul
This is the image in the mirror
Staring back at me, at you
Once in love, and now full of hate
Once whole, and now ripped in two
Where do you begin?
Where do I end?
One half me, one half you
I will never find my way back, nor will you
We are separate, but the same
We are never going to be the same
The rain no longer warm and soft
Instead, thick droplets of blood
Replace the love drained from my veins
All I see is your broken, cracked face,
Filled with pain and guilt,
Empty of truth, empty of love
How do we change this aching, bitter, cracked road,
This twisting, widening mess,
To get back to that place?
The gates of heaven or hell opened for us,
By us, to service us
I am bleeding in my heart,
Choking on chunks of blood...
Feeling your loss,
Feeling your pain,
Aching in vain
What have we become?
A bag of brittle bones,
Blood to ashes,
Hate to fear
What is it that you fear??!!!
Why do you hate me so?
Knife so deep,
Cracked my heart,
Ripped my soul
Swallowing black blood...
I hold your face in my gaze,
Tears dripping down,
Wishing that this road had an end
The blood has turned to dust and ashes
Good-bye is all that's left
The last drop of blood touches my lips on yours
Rest
Good-bye is my final word,
Written in blood on your lips
Good-bye
Until we meet again...
Angel with gilded wings,
Who saved my life a long time ago,
Then took my life without a second thought, look or embrace
With black blood on your wings and hands,
How do you love me again?

© 2008 JB. All rights reserved.