From Best Friend To Ex Friend (aka, HWSNBN)

As I have already posted in previous blogs, my Ex & once-upon-a-time best friend (who I now refer to as HWSNBN, which is short for 'He Who Shall Not Be Named' --- all you Harry Potter fans know where I'm coming from), slept together behind my back, and neither of them had the guts to tell me, until my Ex supposedly came clean about the whole thing. I say supposedly came clean because they actually continued to perpetuate the lie for another six months. The full story only just unfolded this past week. Anyway...

HWSNBN has not told (or will ever tell) me the truth because he simply doesn't have the moral capacity to face me. How could he? HWSNBN spent the last year and half hanging out with me, working with me, (yeah, we worked together too), and being my confidant. I told him everything about my Ex. Everything, including the intimate stuff because he had little, if any, experience with women, and he was really taken by my experiences. Now I really understand why the cruel little boy was so interested.

I think about all those times that we sat and talked about my Ex, me crying about how upset I was, professing my love for her, and him listening & comforting me. Little did I know he would then go home & sleep with her. All those times he told me to get over her, forget her, and how she was this & that (he used harsh, degrading words to describe her), it was just for show. He had both my Ex & I confiding in him, and he used facts from both sides of the story to drive an even deeper wedge between me & my Ex. He made it seem like neither one of us wanted anything to do with the other.

HWSNBN was my best friend & I loved him like a brother, but he did something so cruel to me to get what he wanted. There was one thing that he didn't consider, though. He didn't think that maybe the 16 years that my Ex and I shared were important enough for her & I to get past what happened. Since she told me the whole truth, it turns out that those years are important enough.

HWSNBN played me when I was at the weakest moment in my life. He told me he cared for me, loved me, and would be there to help me pick up the pieces. Oh, he picked up the pieces alright, but only to turn around and use them to build his house of lies at my expense. (Shame on you, HWSNBN, shame!) Well, he better enjoy it while he can because it likely won't last for much longer. I used to tell HWSNBN that one day he would see what it was like to be in my shoes. I never knew that he wanted to be in them so badly. Guess I was wrong. Instead of finding a straight girl, he found himself in bed with my gay/bi ex. How strange life is. I guess being a 24 old boy dating a 37 old cougar has its benefits. Demi and Aston are going to be jealous of them. I guess this make HWSNBN a lesbian by default.

JB

Cotton Candy, Candy Apples, and Meow Meow

So, the Ex and I may have put some of our differences aside for the time being. I don't know if this will work out in any way, shape, or form, but I finally got an "I'm really sorry for all the bad things I have done to you over the last three years... I can't believe I treated you so badly, and I'm so, so sorry" from her. Better late than never, I guess. Or, maybe it's only because she has something else planned for me??? Being the skeptic that I am, I will continue to wear my full metal jacket (not the Stanley Kubrick movie Full Metal Jacket, good movie, by the way) just for sh*ts and giggles because six months ago (when I thought she was being nice) she only took the knife out of my back to turn around and plunge it into my chest. Talk about getting my signals crossed.

Anyway... I have planned a lovely afternoon for the both of us. As a surprise, I will be taking her to the local fair for some of what she loves most -- cotton candy and candy apples. If all goes well with kitten (hence the Meow Meow part of today's blog title), we will giggle like we did in the good old days, gossip about Brad, Angie, and the kids, who's wearing what in US and People magazine, Miss Sixty & all the fashionista stuff that we both love, and maybe somewhere along the way, she'll tell me why she (the 30-something cougar) is going to by a house with her little (barely 20-something) boy.

I guess now that she's made this huge life choice that she's the women that she's always wanted to be, she needs more in her life than ever before. Too bad it took two years & six months after the fact for all of this to transpire. I wonder what the real reasons are for this incredible turn of events. Why now? Why so soon after shoving our friendship and the love we had aside for three years? Oh, cotton candy, candy apples, and meow meow --- so sweet.

JB

Dealing

There is a great Marilyn Manson song that I have been listening to called "The Speed of Pain" (it's on the Mechanical Animals CD), Please, do yourself a favour and take a listen to it if you've been searching for words to describe the pain that was inflicted upon you by someone you loved. My fave line in the song is "I wish I could sleep, but I can't lay on my back because there's a knife for everyday that I've known you." This line sums it up for me, today at least. Perhaps, tomorrow, when I pull one of the 4745 knifes out of my back and wash the black blood off, I may feel a little better about it. For now, Marilyn Manson and Eckhart Tolle are my two closest friends. If you are wondering how they fit together, they just do.

Meanwhile, this story, my story, has so many layers, so many characters, that it will take some time unfold in its entirety. Getting dumped has offered me a way of dealing with the hurt and the betrayal in so many new ways. I think this will be a good journey for me and whoever else wants to tag along. Just remember to be careful what you wish for because it may not be what you really want

JB