Food for Thought: Understanding Life

Hello Everyone,

It's been a couple of months since my last post, and even longer since life was "normal" for all of us. How do we make sense of life in times like these? Seems all we can do is keep on keeping on, hence the quote I'm sharing today.

 

 

In other words, hindsight is 20/20. Life is ever changing, moving, evolving... so all you can do is live, reflect, learn - repeat. There's no such thing as understanding your life if you haven't lived it, and living is a day by day process.

Therefore, you make sense of your life one day at a time -- and take comfort in the fact that no one has it all figured out! 😄

Until next time,

Eddy

Food for Thought: Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep

Hello All,

Last week I attended the funeral of an old family friend. She was a wonderful woman with a very full and well lived life. When I spoke with her daughter after the service, she said that her mother knew that death was near, but not too worry. Her mother even requested that people wear bright colours to her funeral because black was just too morbid. This made me smile because the last time I saw her, she was wearing the most cheerful red sweater with different coloured flowers embroidered on it. I told her daughter this and she smiled too, saying "Yep, that's mom."

For today's food for thought, I am sharing the original version of the poem "Do Not Stand at my Grave and Weep" by Mary Elizabeth Frye. According to recorded history, Mary wrote the poem in 1932. At the time, she and her husband were living in Baltimore. Staying with them was a young German Jewish woman named Margaret Schwarzkopf who was greatly concerned about her sick mother in Germany, but unable to go home due to the increasing anit-Semtic unrest. When she received word of her mother's death, Margaret was heartbroken that she could not return home for the funeral and her grief prompted Mary to write the poem.

As I mentioned, what I have posted here is the original version of the poem as confirmed by Mary herself in an interview on CBC radio in 2000. It has 4 additional lines that are not in common version of the poem heard today, which also has slight variation to some of the other lines as well. In any case, I think the original version is quite beautiful and I know our old family friend would like it very much.

Until next time,

Eddy

Food for Thought: Other People's Lessons

Hey Everyone,

I don't know about you guys, but sometimes I find it really hard to just let people close to me learn lessons on their own. I guess that's the helper in me. Instinctively, I want to help, but I know that sometimes you just have to step back and let people figure things out at their own pace, in their own time. This can be especially frustrating when they just keep making the same darn mistake over and over again, but what can you do? You can take this week's food for thought to heart and just let them be. They'll figure it out sooner or later. Preferably sooner.... :)

What say you? Leave a comment below.

Until next time,

Eddy

The Journey: Starting Over

I was hanging out in the Russian’s kitchen the other day, reminiscing about what my life’s been like, and I had this moment. I came to the realization that I am a great dreamer. I think back to times in my life and I find so much awe and beauty in the memories. Sometimes they make me cry, sometimes they make me laugh out loud, and sometimes they make me long for a time I want to relive again because it was so perfectly wondrous.

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, but we can’t go back. We must move forward through this journey called life. We can’t choose where the road will take us or predict what we will find along the way, but we must explore.

No doubt this has been said or written by people much wiser than me. Eddy often tells me I ramble, yet she somehow knows what I’m getting at and helps me organize my thoughts on here so you guys can make sense of it all too. Anyway, I digress.

If that "a-ha" moment wasn’t enough to get me thinking, the Russian also said something that really touched me. As I mentioned in my previous post, I’m looking for a new career, so when we got on to the topic of how I’ve never really done something that was 100% for me, the Russian said:

"The reason your journey was hard is because you’ve never had a support system that truly loved you and helped you achieve what you loved and believed in. Now you have a chance to take the journey again because life gives you more then one chance and we all need to take a leap of faith when it appears. This time I will come with you because I believe in you as deeply as you believe in yourself. I know that this is the right road not just for you, but for the both of us. Stop wasting time and start making the right choices for yourself and not for others."

My love! What a wise, kind and beautiful human being! Sometimes you really do need someone to make you come to your senses and remember that people start over all the time and you can too.

So, as I embark on my new journey, I keep in mind that I can make choices along the way, but I can’t control what will happen as I go. I simply must trust and go forth. Guaranteed it won’t be easy, but that’s life. I’m just grateful I won’t have to go it alone.

JB

On the Mend

For 3 months I’ve left all of you hanging in blog oblivion without a single bit of information, but today it’s time for catch up with JB.

If you read my post OMG, I’m a Mess! – Part Four, then you might remember me telling you that I was going to need surgery. Well, after a bunch of rescheduling, I finally went under the knife and I’m feeling much better. The physiotherapy is tough, but its part of the recovery process and it’s going to be a while before my arm is 100% again, if at all. I definitely can’t go back to doing the same kind of work anymore because it’s the overuse, the repetitive motion day in and day out, that caused the problem to begin with.

Speaking of work, I’ve now been off for 5 months, which is a really long time for someone who’s always worked, but it’s made me realize that I don’t like my place of employment. It’s not that I don’t like my job (well, except the caking making part, I really don’t like it), I just don’t like the working environment. It’s just not a happy place. So, combined with the fact that I can’t do the same labour intensive work anymore, anyway -- I’m looking for a new career. I have no idea what I’m going to do, but I do know that I will not continue to bust my a** for a company that doesn’t care about its employees.

You see, after everything that I’ve been through these last few months, I know that I’ve done myself a huge disservice by not taking care of myself. We work for a living, but if we’re killing ourselves to get the job done, we’re not living, we’re dying. I don’t know about you, but I’d like to be doing pretty damn great when I actually reach retirement. I want to enjoy the years I have left, instead of being so broken down physically and mentally (not to mention emotionally and spiritually) that I can hardly function.

So, for anyone who understands where I’m coming from and is just as scared and totally overwhelmed as I am at the idea of making a change for the better, let’s feel the fear and do it anyway.

Who’s with me?

JB

In Pursuit of Happiness

I know its been a few weeks between posts. Eddy's been super busy and I've been super dizzy, so we are just now able to sit down together and update you guys on what happened after my visit with the clinic doctor.

Since my diagnosis went so very well (uh, not!), I thought I'd get the h*ll out of dodge. I took ten days off work and went to spend time with the Russian thinking that the change of scenery would make me feel better.

Well, three days into my splendid vacation I was sucked full force into the world of dizzy and having a h*ll of a time trying to find my way out. The Russian started pumping me full of herbal remedies straight from her grandmother's old book of family recipes. The stuff tasted like sh*t, but I think some of it actually worked a little bit. I certainly appreciated her care and attention. At least she wasn't using Google!

Anyway, seeing as the Russian was not on vacation, I spent most of those ten days off by myself and did a lot of thinking about my life. Actually, thinking is all I've been doing pretty much for months now -- thinking about where I'm at, what I'm doing, what I want, etc, etc -- and I've realized that I don't really know where I want to be or what I want to be doing. I know I hate my job, which is hard for me to even admit, but I admit it. I thought it was my manager because I just don't get along with her, but this really is a case of "it's me, not you" -- or, I guess it's me, not her.

Anyway, I think you know what I mean. Bottom line, my free time spent spinning all the livelong day has made me take a good hard look at myself, and the question that's been nagging at me is this:

How do I get to a place that makes sense for me and is actually real, versus just imagined in my mind?

My job is not going to define me, nor is what I own or the people I surround myself with. And, no matter how many excuses I come up with, the only person impeding on my growth is me. I cannot blame my mother, sister, boss, God or anyone or anything else. If I want to be happy, I need to start making choices that make me happy and not everyone else. I need to follow through on everything that I want to do, no excuses, and to take my health more seriously. This is the only way I will ever reach that place where my SELF can be fulfilled.

Are you guys feelin' me? Not literally because that would be weird, but you get where I am coming from, people?

I'd appreciate your feedback.

Over and out,

JB

OMG, I'm a Mess! - Part Four

I know, I know, where the h*ll have I been for 3 months??

I am so sorry, people, I didn't plan to be away so long, but I've been having some issues.

Do you guys remember my Lickity Split, Banana Slip? Well, it's coming back to haunt me, and haunt me baaaaaaaaaaaad!!!!!!

For months now, I have been spinning. I am so dizzy that not even dizzy describes how dizzy I am. According to my doctors (yes, doctors, plural), the spinning is a result of my fall.

I am so f-ing mad because I can't do f**k all. I can't work because I might take another fall at any given moment. I can't go anywhere without my Mother, the EV, because I might take a fall at any given moment. I am a prisoner, pretty much, in my own home. I can't even type this post. Eddy is typing while I dictate.

I am a freakin' mess, people!!!!!!!!!

~ sigh ~

So, what is causing the spinning, exactly? It's bilateral BPPV combined with Meniere's disease. I'm so f-ed, you have no idea, people.

~ sigh ~

So, what's a girl to do? Well, I'm seeing a physiotherapist who specializes in my condition. She told me that because my condition is bilateral (i.e. in both ears), it's very complicated to treat. The damage that's been done is irreversible. All she can do is help me relieve the symptoms so that I can go about living life as normal as possible.

Yup, so that's why I've been MIB (missing in blogging) all this time. I am now going so totally stir crazy that I have to write, and, with Eddy's help, that's what I will be doing.

Oh, did I mention, I have to have surgery for yet another issue that is messing up my life? Oh,yeah, it's true, but I'll have to fill you in on that the next time. For now, I have to stop. Too dizzy to think any more.

Over and out,
JB

Season's Greetings!!

I'm baaaaack!!! Did you all have an wonderful Christmas?

Wow, it really has been a long time since I posted anything, huh? Well, I decided to get back to writing because poor Eddy would eventually run out of excuses for me.

So, what's new? Let me see... I have been in a steady and happy relationship for almost two years (Yay, me!!!) with an amazing woman. She's got a big heart and she's super intelligent (unlike my Ex who looked smart, but was and still is as dumb as a Christmas tree, and I mean this without disrespect to trees). It's a long distance relationship for now, which can be difficult and complicated, but we make it work.

Speaking of work, my job has been taking up a lot more of my time these last 4-5 months (way, way, way too much of my time), and totally kicking my a**. I've been placed in the manager-training program, and soon I will have my own bakery to run. Seriously! I don’t even know if that's what I really want, but I guess I can always refuse when the time comes. I'm sure I've said this before, but I never knew the bakery business could be so crazy! Of course, it's extra crazy during the holiday season, and this year has been oh-so special thanks to all of the people who came to my counter asking some truly stupid questions. Hands down and muffins up, people, this year's stupid questions are tops by a Christmas gingerbread land slide… damnnnn!!! I haven't made a list yet, but I will get one together later today and share it the next time I post.

So, that's pretty much it, I guess. How are all of you doing? Leave a comment and let me know. I'd love to hear from you guys. :)

Hugs,
JB

5 Minutes To Share - Leave Your 2 Cents

My fellow bloggers, how are you guys? I miss you all and blogging very much. Unfortunately, with all of the Santa, Frosty the Snowman, and a multitude of other Christmas themed cakes and desserts calling my name, I've been bakery bound, and there doesn't seem to be any end in sight. 'Tis the season (God, help me, pretty please), as I'm sure you've all noticed, and do I have a story for all of you. One word - Panetone. More on that later though because I only have 3 of my 5 minutes to share left, and I need to put something out there before I go completely cuckoo.

You guys ready for this? Okay, here goes...

In the middle of my totally insane life, Cupid decided to pay me a visit. What I am trying to say is that I think that I've fallen in love. {exhale} Yeah, that's right, people, it seems that love has caught me totally off guard and I don't know what to do about it. At first I thought I was just a smitten kitten, but now.... Should I say something or just let it be what it is?

What do you say, peeps? Leave your 2 cents.

JB

Belated Birthday Post

Not too long ago, I had a birthday that I was planning to celebrate with a weekend getaway. Unfortunately, I couldn't get the time off work, so my roommate decided that we should invite some people over & have a party. What he didn't tell me was that there were going to be some surprise guests. They weren't strippers, if that's what you're thinking, just people that I hadn't seen or talked to in a long time. We had a really good mix of old and new friends gathered together, so it was an interesting evening. Well, at least from what from what my roommate and I managed to recall the following morning. He was majorly hungover, and I wasn't doing so hot myself. Now that I'm older, I don't have more than 2 or 3 beers every once and a while, so the 12 year old Scotch that I drank the night before was a whole lot harder on me than it used to be back when I used to party all the time.

Anyway, here are some highlights (lol, not so much) from my party:

- finding two pairs of men's tighty whities & a very large bra by my pool the next morning (clearly, some people got naked)

- falling off my bar stool as I tried to spin around to talk to the person behind me (note to self: the bar stools only spin around half way)

- taking my roommate down with me as I fell off my bar stool, yet managing not to spill a drop of the drink in my hand (I do magic tricks too!)

- three larger then life lesbians skinny dipping in my pool using their breasts as floating devices (like I said, some people got naked)

- the bunch of gay guys who screamed like school girls, and then quickly shielded their eyes when they saw the naked ladies in my pool (talk about a bunch of drama "queens")

- one of those guys yelling, "OH MY GOD, there are beavers in the pool!!" (clearly, he was the biggest "queen" on the scene)

- some guy, wearing nothing but his tighty whities, wandering around the house in a complete daze & muttering, "Where's the bathroom?" (I wonder if he ever found it)

- my roommate starting a bonfire at 2am and almost setting himself on fire in the process (note: don’t play with fire when you're extremely drunk)

- hearing my friend who helped me to bed say, "Hey, I didn't realize that you go commando under your jeans" (good thing that friend's not afraid of beavers)

JB

OMG, I'm A Mess - Part Three

Some of you might remember reading OMG, I'm A Mess and OMG, I'm A Mess - Part Two. The question is, am I still a mess? Well, let's review.

I got rid of the poison in my life (aka my Ex). Good.

The restaurant closing was the right thing for everyone involved. Good.

I got a new job. Good.

I got promoted. Good.

Well, except for one thing... I HATE MAKING CAKES!!!!!!! I F**KING HATE IT!!!!!!!! HATE IT!!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!

~sigh~

I thought I was working towards not being a mess, but I messed up. I mean, how the f**k did I get into cakes? I thought smelling like the deli was bad, but smelling like the bakery is worse. Really, you have no idea.

Oh, and did I mention that my manager hates me? Well, she does. I know she has problems of her own, but for f**k sakes, stop taking it out on me, already!!!!!!!!

Yup, just when I thought I was on the way to better things, I realize, OMG, I'm still a mess!

JB

My 1st Blogoversary - I Made It!

A year ago today I was in a pretty bad place. I didn't think that I'd even be here to see another August 4th, and I sure as h*ll didn't know that I'd be celebrating a Blogoversary. I've come full circle, hit the wall & fell down a few times on the way, but I made it.

I have to thank Eddy, who got me started on my blogging journey in the first place, my parents & my sister, my roommate & friends, and all of my new friends & followers here in the blogosphere, for all of your love & support. You found me & you helped me heal. Thank you one & all.

As a treat, I'm letting all of you pick what you want me to write about next. Just leave a comment to let me know which of the following you want to read about most:

* She-Man - The Return

* The Hair Down There

* Mad Man (Really Mad!!)

* Sh*tty McSh*tty

* A Ground Hog With Sexy Legs

JB

What's Up With Pregnant Women & Parking Spots??

Today I'm going to share a story from back when I first started blogging. I was still in the restaurant biz then, and somehow I had more time to blog than I do now. Go figure.

(Original post date: Thursday, August 7th, 2008)

I really thought that today would be business as usual for me. I went to run some errands & do some other mundane stuff. Yup, pretty boring for a Thursday, until I decided to go to the grocery store to buy some soft drinks (that's pop or soda, for those of you wondering what the h*ll I'm talking about). They were on sale, so I bought ten cases (stop wondering who drinks ten cases of soft drinks... it's for work, not for me). OK, but I am getting ahead of myself, so let me back up to when we (my mom was with me) pulled into the grocery store parking lot. I saw that it wasn't busy, so I decided that I would park as close as I could to the door. The shorter the distance that I had to push two shopping carts full of heavy soft drink cases, the better is what I was thinking. Obviously, that wasn't my first time buying ten cases of soft drinks all at once, so that's how I knew it would take two carts to bring the cases out to the car.

Anyway, as I was saying, I wanted to park close by, so I decided to park in a spot meant for pregnant women, the third one from the end, just in case an expecting mom needed to be closer to the door than me. Better than taking a spot reserved for someone with a disability was my thought. I also made sure that the three designated spots on the other side of the lot where empty. I took the whole pregnant lady thing seriously, thinking CYA (cover your ass).

About 15 minutes later, I was in the checkout line with my ten cases of soft drinks, and I was greeted by a cashier, a young guy who looked like he just fell of a banana boat. Heck, even his t-shirt had bananas on it.

Cashier: (noticing my ten cases) Miss, it's only 3 cases per family.

Me: (as politely as possible) I'm actually buying some for 2 other families (just a wee white lie) who can't drive.

Cashier: Cool, dude

Me: Pardon, cool who?

Cashier: You, dude.

Me: (trying not to laugh) Listen, (do you see a bong hanging off of my purse, dude, I thought to myself) can you please ring this through? I'm in a rush.

Cashier: Sure, dude.

It was obvious that he didn't have two brain cells left to rub together, and thank God for checkout scanners because I don't think he could count to ten.

After I finished, I went ahead to the car while my mother was having her items rung up by the cashier. As I was loading the soft drink cases into the trunk, I heard the most annoying voice start chattering away. I looked up, and there was a pregnant woman holding a bag full of ice cream (it was on sale, 3 cartons for 5 bucks) waving a finger at me.

Pregnant Woman: You know this spot is reserved for pregnant women.

Me: (nothing, I just looked at her and her wagging finger)

Pregnant Woman: This spot is reserved for pregnant women.

Me: Yes, Mam, I heard you the first time.

Pregnant Woman: You are not pregnant.

Me: Did the ten cases of soft drinks give me away?

Needless to say, that remark didn't go over well.

Pregnant Woman: (yelling) You know, pregnant women need their parking spots too!

On and on she went. I felt like Charlie Brown listening to his teacher wah, wah, wah away at me.

Me: (interrupting her) Why are you yelling at me?

Pregnant Woman: Excuse me?

Me: (this is what you get for yelling, Miss Thing) Instead of giving me a lecture about parking, why don't you help me put my stuff in my car?

Pregnant Woman: (nothing, just totally stunned that I just said that to her)

Me: Look around you. All of the other spots designated for pregnant women are empty. You're yelling at me about parking here, but you parked your car in a regular spot beside those empty ones designated for pregnant women. Does that make any sense?

Obviously, it didn't matter if it made any sense because she got super pissed off, and proceeded to call me names in a voice that got increasingly shrill with each nasty word that came out of her mouth. Frankly, she should have saved her breath because I couldn't make out a damn that thing she was saying at that insanely high speed frequency to begin with. The whole thing was so unreal, it was hysterical, and I started laughing. Even after she got in her car, slammed the door, and took off, I was still laughing. Meanwhile, my mother had walked out of the grocery store just in time to hear the end of pregnant lady's little tirade & watch her zoom away.

Mother: What's going on, JB? Who's that lady that drive out of here like a crazy?

Me: She's pregnant, ma. She thinks I took her parking spot.

Mother: What you taking about? (pointing toward all the empty parking spaces) Look all the place she can park close by.

Me: I know, ma.

Mother: I think having baby making her go crazy.

Yeah, note to self, don't piss off a pregnant woman who just went to the grocery store to buy ice cream.

JB

Paying It Forward

As most of you know, I had a dream that I'm supposed to help my co-worker, Jade. Well, what you don't know is that since then I have in fact been trying my best to connect with her. Of course, the thing about helping people is that, in the end, they need to want to help themselves. So, no matter what I say or do, nothing is going to change for Jade until she's ready, and that could take a while. You see, Jade might only be 24 years old, but she hasn't had it easy. Her past relationships have all been abusive & she used drugs to numb her mental, physical and emotional pain. Needless to say, life was awfully messy for Jade, and might still be today had she not given birth to a son three years ago. Now, he gets her through each day, but that doesn't change the fact that Jade’s still hurting. So, while the experiences that caused us pain might be different, pain is still pain, i.e. it hurts no matter where it comes from, and I believe that's where Jade and I will finally come to an understanding. This is why I'm not giving up on her, even though she says she doesn't like me & throws her guard up at every turn. No, I'm going to keep paying forward the support, understanding, encouragement & so much more that was offered to me when I needed it most, and I’m going to help her realize that she is an exceptional woman who hasn't even started scraping the surface of her potential. Somehow, I'm going to get through to her, and she will finally see that there are people in this world with hearts larger then she's ever known.

JB

Happy Mother's Day!

In honour of Mother's Day, I thought I'd post this funny little ditty that always resurfaces via e-mail around this time of year.

Things My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that’s why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going
to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on. Don’t you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You’re just like your father."

23 My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you’ll understand."

25. My mother taught me JUSTICE.
"One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

To all you mom's out there, I salute you!

JB

Get A Room!

The other day, I was over at Rob's blog reading his post about a couple caught having sex in a dumpster, and it reminded me of a similar story involving my mother. Get your heads out of the gutter, people. My mother is not a dumpster diver (at least as far as I know), but... Well, let me start at the beginning.

One night at the restaurant (FYI - if you're new here, my family used to be in the restaurant biz), this couple came in and we knew right away that they were the touchy-feely kind. This meant that they would be there all night because they'd be far too busy pawing at each to concentrate on anything else. How they managed to get through dinner without sitting on each others laps is still beyond me. Seriously, they were two bj's short of a porno & we thought they would never leave. Anyway... after four hours of petting, stroking, tonguing, and God knows what else (it's not like we could see under the table with the tablecloth draped over it), they finally asked for the bill & paid. Other than my mother who was going to do some prep work before calling it a night, the rest of us were ready to go home, so we headed out thinking that the lovers would soon follow suit. Well, the next day my sister and I arrived at work to find out that we were mistaken.

Mother: I have something to tell you.

My sister and I looked at each other with our 'Uh oh, we're in sh*t for something' faces and prepared for the worst.

Mother: You know the lovers that were here last night?

Me: Yeah.

Mother: Well, those lovers were really in love after you guys went home.

Me: (looking at my sister wide-eyed, then back at my mother) O... K...

Mother: I go to the door with them when they leave. I say thank you, good night, see you soon, and then I lock up.

Sister: OK.

Mother: Then, I go back in the kitchen to do my prep work.

Me: Yeah...

Mother: Before I finish, I think I need to go take out the garbage because you guys forgot.

Me: OK, and then what?

Mother: Oh, the lovers, they in love very much. Too much for me to handle.

Sister: Ma, you're killing me. Come on.

Mother: So, I go outside with the garbage, pulling the can because it's too heavy for me to carry. I making a lot of noise too. You think someone would hear me.

Me: And???

Mother: I see beside the garbage (she means the dumpster) that someone left their car. Maybe they take a taxi home, you know.

Sister: AND???!!!!!!!

Mother: I see white.

Me: White what??

Mother: I see a naked culo (that's slang for 'ass' for all of you who don't know Italian).

Sister: WHAT?

Mother: And then I see another one.

Me: WHAT??

Mother: They having sex beside the garbage.

Sister: WHAT???!!!!!!!!

Me: On the ground????

Mother: Yes, and I ask them what's a matter with them and why they do this outside.

Me: OMG!

Mother: And I ask them why they don't go in the car if they don't go home. They say they very sorry and that they going to leave. I tell them they better go because I call the police.

Sister: Holy sh*t , ma!

Mother: I no understand these people. What happened to the bed... the old fashioned way?

Me: (taking the opportunity to tease her) Oh, ma, you're so old school. Did you and Daddy make me in the bed?

Mother: (totally serious) That's not your business!

Me: So, did you see it (don't make me spell out what it is, people)?

Sister: (grinning) Yeah, ma, did you?

Me: (watching my mother blush & turn away from us towards the stove) You did! OMG, you did!!!

Mother: OK, enough, go back to work.

Sister: (laughing & teasing) No, not until you tell us if you saw it or not.

Mother: No, that's enough, I say. Get to work.

All day long we teased her. LOL The poor woman. Seriously, though, what the h*ll is wrong with some people? Sex in a dumpster... beside a dumpster? For the love of God, folks, get a room!!!! If you can't get one, beg, steal or borrow one, please!!!

JB

To Kill A Woodpecker - One Week Later

I can't believe it, but it's already been a week since I first told you about the woodpecker that's been rudely interrupting my sleep. Thanks to my roommate convincing me that the freakin' bird would find a mate soon, I haven't taken matters into my own hands... yet. Instead, I've given the little sh*t a name, Paul the Pecker. Every morning at about 4:43am, Paul makes his way to the drain pipe outside my window and starts pecking away. Bang, bang, bang, bang... The sound rebounds through the walls & into my head. Bang, bang, bang, bang... GOD, HELP ME!!! I'm serious people. If you don't believe me, check out this quick video my roommate made of Paul doing his thing.

You see what I have to put up with? Well, that's not all. No, when Paul's done beating his love drum, he starts making these throaty kind of noises that make him sound like the ghost character in The Grudge movie. Can you say 'creepy'?? If I was a female woodpecker, there's no way in h*ll I'd go anywhere near him when he's doing that -- no way. He seriously needs to switch up his game because his current mating technique just isn't working. Maybe he needs to stop drumming. Yeah, I think he needs to start plucking away at the hydro lines or something. I'm pretty sure that women think guitarists are hotter than drummers. Am I right, ladies?

JB

Awarded Again!

My dear fellow bloggers, I have been awarded again. :) This time it's the Neno's award & it was given to me by Magdalena over at The Untamed Thoughts on Autism. Thank you, Magdalena, I am honoured!

Neno's award is given to those who love blogging & love to encourage friendships through blogging. It also seeks to know the reasons why the person being awarded loves blogging.

So, first things first. Why do I love blogging? Well, I started blogging because I was broken and feeling helpless, and I desperately needed an avenue to express myself. I went to therapy, did my yoga, and tried all kinds of other things too, but nothing was really helping until I started blogging. Blogging saved my life, it really did. I mean it. I was on the verge of suicide, but one morning I called Eddy and told her that I wanted to start a blog or something because I needed an outlet. Well, in a couple of hours, Eddy got me up and running & I haven't looked back since. I wrote out all the pain, despair, anger, everything. I wrote until I cried over all that I lost, and somehow, little by little, I gained so much more. I got my life back!! Not only that, I've made so many wonderful new friends. I started healing from my pain because complete strangers took the time to read what I had to say & to leave me messages of encouragement, hope, and love. You have no idea how much that means to me & I thank you all so much. I will never forget what you've done for me & continue to do for me. Lastly, the most amazing thing out of all this is my relationship with my super great cuz, Eddy. Without her help, her pushing me to write, and telling me to get to it, I could never have come this far. So, with great love and appreciation, thank you, Eddy. It's all because of you that I’m able to forge this new road. Thank-you, and I promise that I'm going to buy a better dictionary & that I will use less commas when I'm writing my drafts. LOL

Now, I'm to pass the Neno's award on to as many bloggers as I choose. Those of you selected must then do the following:

1. Collect the award by saving the badge & posting it on your blog

2. Write a blog post about the Neno's award -- tell everyone what it's about, who awarded it to you, and also tell everyone why you love blogging

3. Pass the award on to as many bloggers as you like by naming them in your post & linking back to their blogs

4. Let those bloggers know that they have been awarded

I have chosen the following bloggers as Neno's award recipients:

Court at Tangles Out

Polly at Polly Abroad


JB

To Kill A Woodpecker

Guess what?

I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN FOUR F**KING NIGHTS!!!! FOUR F**KING NIGHTS, PEOPLE!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!

There is a woodpecker that's been pecking away at the drainpipe that runs along the side of my house just outside my bedroom window. F**K!!!!!!!!!! I am not happy, not happy at all, and I hate that damn bird with all of my f**king might right now. My roommate thinks it's funny because he can't hear a damn thing from his room. Nope, only I've had to listen to that freakin' bird beating it's f**cking love drum (explained below, just stay with me) at 4:30am. As if I want to get up at the crack of piss-crow with the little pecker. STOP IT!!!!!!

Anyway, this morning, while I lay in bed thinking about how to kill the damn bird, my roommate came to tell me that he figured out why it's been pecking away (at my sanity).

Roomie: (knocking on my bedroom door)

Me: Yeah, come in.

Roomie: (entering) Hey, so, the woodpecker is still with us.

Me: No shit, Sherlock. I can hear the little bastard.

Roomie: Oh, yeah, he's right by your window. I can’t hear him, sorry.

Me: Sorry, my a**. What the h*ll do you want, really?

Roomie: I know why he's doing it. I Googled it.

Me: (if looks could kill, the guy would be dead, the smarta** little sh*t) Please, do tell, since you're sleeping so well.

Roomie: He's looking for a mate.

Me: So, what, am I supposed to care about his lack of lovers? Get the h*ll out of here.

Roomie: He's mating. It's cute, don’t you think?

Me: Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!! You insane idiot!!!!! Tomorrow morning, I'm going to open my window & start throwing all the knives from my $1000 knife set at that bird until I hit him dead on his bird face!! Do you hear me??

Roomie: You can't do that. Birds are protected animals. JB, you need to calm down.

Me: Protected??? Calm down???

Roomie: You can't just start throwing knives out the window. What about the neighbors?

Me: The neighbors?? What about my sleep, health, sanity, you freakin' moron!! Screw them! Think of yourself, or I’ll throw you outside.

Roomie: I emailed the lady at the newspaper.

Me: (did he just say newspaper?) What? Why? So, she can bore the bird to death with the local news? Or, maybe she plans to beat him to death with the paper?

Roomie: No, she's a bird expert. She told me the reasons.

Me: Seriously, dude, go f**k yourself and her too. Get rid of that bird, or I’m going Rambo 1, 2 and 3 on all your a**es!

Roomie: Maybe the bird will find a mate before that happens. Besides, I like my a** & I need it for mating. (he starts laughing)

Me: (giggling at how totally stupid funny he just was) Well, woodpecker lover, the little sh*t has 24-hours to get his pecking packed and gone with his new mate, or else....

Roomie: JB, you can't kill it.

Me: Why, are you going to stop me?

Roomie: I’ll figure something out, I swear to you. I know when you say something, you’ll do it. Just please don't, OK?

Me: Like I said, you got 24 hours, or I'm coming to you at 4:30am and banging up on your bedroom window, naked, with my box right in full view. Are you getting a visual, hmm??

Roomie: Oh, for the love of God, not your box!

Me: Yeah, the box... all Brazilianed (is that even a word? whatever...) and nice just for you. Are you still liking that bird now? 24 hours... that’s what you have.

Back downstairs he went and got on the phone with God knows who to figure out what to do about the woodpecker. Meanwhile, what do I hear as I'm rolling out of bed to make my way to the bathroom? Pecking. PECKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm telling you, people, that bird is dead. D-E-A-D... dead.

JB

You Know You've Had Too Much To Drink When...

This post was inspired by Rob's 'The eMorning After' post. My days of falling down drunk are long since over, but I do have some memories from those crazy times (aka, my young & stupid days). All I can say is you know you've had to much to drink when...

1. … you wake up with a meatball sandwich plastered to your back. (Don’t ask because I have no idea how that happened.)

2. … you wake up and there's a guy in your bed, but you don’t swing that way. (Well, only for Beckham...)

3. … you wake up lying face down on a full length mirror. (I don’t know why, but feel free to use your imagination if you want.)

4. … you wake up to find a message on your answering machine from some angry guy (he obviously had call display) who said that you woke him up at some God forsaken hour screaming, “I hate you... you lying bitch, whore, slut!” (Oops, sorry, dude.)

5. … you get into bed naked thinking it's your room, but you actually just climbed into bed with your parents. (Just imagine what my parents had to say about that the next morning...)

6. … you wake up in bed with twin sisters. (Uh… hmm... no comment.)

7. … you wake up with a grilled cheese sandwich plastered to your chest. (Again, it just floors me how food just gets in places other than my mouth.)

So, any of you want to share now? :)

JB