Food for Thought: Grief is Just Love...

Hello Everyone,

Since my earlier post last Friday, JB and I have had a bunch of sad news come our way. The saddest news of all being that a very dear cousin of ours passed away. Cancer... I hate that disease.

Our cousin was something else. Husband, father, brother, friend... story teller. Truly, he could talk and talk and talk! I have no idea how he could remember so far back into his childhood with such clarity. I'm lucky if recall what I ate last night for dinner. I'm going to miss his stories. I'll miss his phone calls -- "Hey, what you doin'?" -- every month. He lived out west, so we didn't see each other much. I think the last time we got together in person was over five years ago. Time goes fast when you're busy living your life, but he's done living now -- at least on this earthly plane. No doubt he's chatting up a storm with his parents, my dad, and other family members who've crossed over. Yep, they're having a reunion party, while the rest of us are grieving. And so it goes....

What is grief? I came across something by a woman named Jamie Anderson that really resonated with me and I want to share it with all of you.

"Grief is just love with no place to go." Well said, Jamie, well said.


Goodbye, cousin. Thanks for the memories. We'll miss you.

- Eddy & JB

Food for Thought: Love is Friendship Caught Fire

Hello Everyone,

It's been a while since I posted some food for thought, so I figured something love related would be appropriate with Valentine's Day coming up this weekend. :) The first line of a poem by Laura Hendricks really grabbed me -- "Love is friendship caught fire" -- and, after reading the rest of it, I knew that I had to share the whole thing with all of you.

I think the poem really expresses what real love is -- how it's not sunshine and rainbows all the time. How many of you have the real thing? Leave a comment below.


Until next time,

Eddy

Music Video: "All of Me" by John Legend

Hi Everyone,

It's been ages since I posted a music video, so I thought I'd share one of my fave new songs of the year. The song is called "All of Me" and it's from Love in the Future, the fourth studio album from John Legend. The album was actually released last August, but this song is just now getting radio play. I have no doubt it's going to be a huge wedding song.

Check out the video and let me know what you think about it by leaving a comment below.




Until next time,

Eddy

5 Minutes To Share - Leave Your 2 Cents

My fellow bloggers, how are you guys? I miss you all and blogging very much. Unfortunately, with all of the Santa, Frosty the Snowman, and a multitude of other Christmas themed cakes and desserts calling my name, I've been bakery bound, and there doesn't seem to be any end in sight. 'Tis the season (God, help me, pretty please), as I'm sure you've all noticed, and do I have a story for all of you. One word - Panetone. More on that later though because I only have 3 of my 5 minutes to share left, and I need to put something out there before I go completely cuckoo.

You guys ready for this? Okay, here goes...

In the middle of my totally insane life, Cupid decided to pay me a visit. What I am trying to say is that I think that I've fallen in love. {exhale} Yeah, that's right, people, it seems that love has caught me totally off guard and I don't know what to do about it. At first I thought I was just a smitten kitten, but now.... Should I say something or just let it be what it is?

What do you say, peeps? Leave your 2 cents.

JB

RIP It's been a sad week

This week started off with bad news for my family. My uncle died unexpectedly on Monday. I haven't really wanted to post anything, but I felt that I should at least say a few words. My uncle was a father, a husband, a brother, and an all around good man, who was loved and respected.

He gave all he could to his family and the ones he loved and I will miss him deeply. He was also Eddy's father. Eddy is a rock, and this week I saw the rock roll and sway. This was hard on me, but I was happy to be there to stop the rock from going over the edge.

In times of sadness and loss, the one thing we have is our family and friends. Without them, what do we really have? This week I watched my family come to terms with the death of someone we loved and realised how precious and fragile life truly is.

Tell the people you love that you love them at every opportunity you have. Don't waste time anymore and just love because you may wake up one morning to find out that the person you loved is gone and can never come back, and you never told them you loved them enough, never took the time to hug them enough. Now it's to late.

Please stop wasting time. Tell everyone around you everyday what they mean to you and how they make you happy. Please just do it. Don't hesitate because it maybe the last time you have the chance to say it.

Zio (this means uncle in Italian), I will miss you everyday and I'm sorry that I didn't get a chance to say good-bye and tell you how much I loved you.

RIP

JB

The Letter That Was Never Sent

I found this letter that I wrote to my Ex tucked nicely into a pocket in the back of a leather bound journal that I got as a Christmas gift from a good friend a few years ago. I wrote the letter on some really nice paper and sprayed it with perfume. I can still smell it. I never mailed the letter, and I know why I couldn't do it. As I read it over, I cried because it reminded me of the night I wrote it. My Ex had told me that she didn't love me anymore, but I still loved her. Reading that letter, I could feel how much I missed her, how much I loved her, and I couldn't deny it.

Anyway, I wanted to share the letter, expose my vulnerability, and show how the soul can be so fragile... how I was so fragile. I loved someone, and this is truly a great thing that I have been able to experience. Good or bad, I loved her. So, the letter is below. I wrote it probably a year & a bit ago, and the feelings were as true then as they are now. Love doesn't go away, it transforms you. I know because I have been transformed thanks to this beautiful thing called love.

JB

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My Beloved,

I am writing to you, my love. I have sat up nights thinking of our love, remembering your lips on mine, your body softly caressing me while we made love with a passion that could stop time.

My love, how I miss your arms around me while I sleep soundly. I can feel your breath of whispers in the back of my neck. You’d wake to feel my heart to touch my soul.

All the wet kisses are gone now. An empty bed I sleep in being kept warm by my pillow that holds my tears.

Tears that time has keep secret for me. The bed is still missing its lovers embraced in the passion of the truth of their love.

My beloved, I dream of our love to be true again on a warm winter night, when I can hold you in my arms and keep you safe from the world.

My beloved, I love thee with all my might. I will fight for our love when you are asleep. I will fight when you feel doubt. I will fight night and day 'til our lips can touch again, and the words 'I love you' flow freely into the air with joy and happiness.

This day is what we have both been waiting for, my beloved. Walk with me again to the end of time, where the love we had and still share can live through every breath, look, embrace, and passionate night we shared.

Remember, beloved, that you are mine, I am yours... this is the truth, and this is our truth. Believe in our love and everything will be as you have always dreamed of. Believe in us as I have always believed in you. No matter what has happened and what will happen, I will love you till the end of time.

Love Always,

JB

OMG, I'm A Mess!

I was just taking stock of my posts over the last month, and thought -- OMG, I’m a mess! Seriously, I can't believe how all over the place I am. Although, in comparison to last year, the level of mess is at a 5 (this based on a scale from 1-10, 10 being the worst). Two years ago the level of mess was at an 11. Three years ago, it was just about off the charts, so I often stayed in bed nursing my depression. Still, no matter how messed up I am, I’m somehow prefect in my imperfection. Only now, anyone with access to a computer can read all about it. Speaking of which, I have been journaling since I was 14, so getting my private thoughts down in written form isn't new to me (no, Oprah did not make me do it), but blogging is something else. Blogging is journaling publicly, and there is no way in hell that I could have done this last year, or the year before that, no way. This year, though, I need to do this because it’s my way of repairing the damage that was done to me. I am being honest, and it may be messy & all over the place sometimes, but it’s good for me. Who knows, maybe I can get someone else to open their window to let the sun in, make their bed, take a shower, and live, love and laugh again. God knows I didn’t really do (or want to do) those things when I was at my lowest of lows.

JB

P.S. For all you that think I might still be in love with my Ex, I really can't answer that right now. Also, for those of you who think that I hate her, I can't answer that either. What I can say is you don’t choose who you love. You might try too, but in the end, love chooses you, and I don’t regret the love that chose me, no matter what’s happened.

Grab A Hanky For This One: Ellen & Portia's Wedding

Last week my cousin asked me if I had watched Ellen, lately. I said no because I just hadn't been getting to the TV in time these past few weeks. My cousin said thank God because the footage from Ellen's wedding was shown on Tuesday, and if it made her emotional, it would have made me a total wreck. Knowing that what Ellen & Portia have is what I wanted with my Ex, my cousin advised me not to watch it. I had just written my My Blanket Of Sadness post, and she didn't think I wanted to go on another Kleenex roller coaster ride any time soon.

Well, I took my cousin's advice and avoided Ellen for a whole week, but today I couldn't resist it anymore. I needed to see the video and to let the feelings overwhelm me. I needed to see it because I can't avoid things that make me feel sad. I would rather just let it rip through me, so I can continue to heal. So, I made myself cup of herbal tea this morning, grabbed my trusty (and almost empty) Kleenex box, and off I went in search of Ellen and Portia's day of wedded bliss.

When I finally found the video, I sat back and let it play. After what I have been through, the video was (as my cousin warned) incredibly emotional for me. Still, even though it was difficult to watch, I didn't cry as much as I thought I would, and a lot of the tears were happy ones. Seeing two people so in love with each other makes me believe that there is hope for those of us who are still looking for what Ellen & Portia have found. There is plenty of love for each and every one of us.

Thanks, Ellen & Portia, for giving me hope.

JB

P.S. If you want to watch the video of Ellen & Portia's wedding day, just head on over to my myspace page, and click to view all of my blog entries. Once the page turns over, scroll down towards the bottom to locate the video.

A Thought

Perhaps love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself. Not whom I want you to be, but to who you are.

- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Pablo Neruda: Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines

For any of you who love poetry, you're sure to love Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines, a beautiful poem by Pablo Neruda. He was an amazing poet who won the 1971 Nobel Prize in Literature. I've posted the poem below. Meanwhile, a video where you can hear actor Andy Garcia read the poem out loud can be found on my myspace page. Just click to view all of my blog entries. Then, once the page turns over, scroll down towards the bottom to locate the video.

Pablo Neruda (1904-1971)

Born: Neftalí Ricardo Reyes Basoalto
Place of Birth: Parral, Chile
Occupation: Poet, Diplomat, Political figure


Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines - Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, "The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance."

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

__________________________________________________________

My love, if I could have written this poem for you, those are the words that I would've chosen to express what is and will always be in my heart and soul, now and forever. Goodbye sweet, sweet angel, who saved my life not so long ago. May you become that beautiful women you so long to be. Goodbye, until our paths cross again on a starry night.

Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

JB

What About Love?

If you watch the Oprah Winfrey Show, you've often heard her talk about how you have to love yourself first in order to really love others. This is something that I have always believed. Love begins with you, and if you aren't feeling it for yourself, how can you possibly return it to another person?

So, if love begins with you and ends with you, when is it the right time to start doing the inner work, i.e. working on yourself, so that maybe you can start loving yourself? Wouldn't it be a better world if we shared more love than hate?

I say, love, laugh and be happy. This is the perfect recipe for living a full life vs a half life. Fill your glass full to the top, and go get your life back.

JB

Love Conquers All

I really believe that love conquers all. I’m sure a lot of people think that's a little naive, but this is what I believe. The love that was and is still present after all that I've been through, the love that I thought I could hold on to forever, is holding on by itself. This is not to say that I have forgiven my Ex and HWSNBN for what they did to me, but I am now able to forgive myself for carrying all the hate and anger around. It was really weighing me down. As for forgiving them, it will be a long, hard road before I get to that point. Trust me when I say that I won't make it easy, nor should I. HWSNBN can wait forever because forgiving him ain't going to happen anytime soon, if at all in this life time.

Anyway, this whole thought process started yesterday while I was getting my weekly massage. My therapist, who is the nicest person I have ever met (not to mention quite hot, if I may say so) and can read me like a book, sensed something was up. So, she asked me what my relationship was like with my Ex, and I told her it was perfect... that I thought the love we shared could surpass everything and anything, and it would be forever. I then asked her if she thought this wishful thinking. She made me realize that I was living true to my heart, and that's why I'm slowly healing. I asked her if she believed in everlasting love, love unconditional. She said, "Yes, if you are true to yourself, heart, & soul, and love is all you give, it will return to you stronger than ever. Live by the truth. This is what makes you special. Don't be something your not. Be true and you will reap the rewards."

I told her I now realize that what felt like a curse to me for such a long time is actually a gift. Things happen for a reason. People come to us at points in our lives when you need them most, and the ones that count will stay forever. I feel grateful for everyday that I have to be with the ones I love. Thank goodness for my weekly massages, too. Without this guide that I have found in my therapist, rebuilding the road of love would be an even longer process.

Thanks "A"! I am in "Ah" with you.

JB

Love: Can It Be This Simple?

Imagine writing down a thirteen line song and getting it so right. Well, John Lennon did just that. I was listening to his Working Class Hero CD, and heard the song Love for the first time. It’s not that I've never listened to the CD before. I bought it on iTunes about a year ago. What I mean is that last night I really 'heard' that song. I always thought it was hard to describe love, but it isn’t that complicated after all. The lyrics (which I posted below) are simple, yet they express everything that I've been feeling, but could not put into words. "Love is needing to be loved" -- I wish that I would have figured this out myself.

JB

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Love

Love is real, real is love
Love is feeling, feeling love
Love is wanting to be loved

Love is touch, touch is love
Love is reaching, reaching love
Love is asking to be loved

Love is you,
You and me
Love is knowing
We can be

Love is free, free is love
Love is living, living love
Love is needing to be loved

"For shame! Deny that thou bear’st love to any...." (Sonnet 10, Shakespeare)

Lately, I've been contemplating my love for my Ex. Was I truly in love, or was I in love with the idea of being in love? These particular questions were haunting me for about two weeks. So, what's a person to do? Well, I took a walk down memory lane and examined the relationship without being in denial about what I had or thought I had. What I came to realize is that the relationship was all me. I gave more then I received, I listened more then I was heard, and I got back half of what I put in. With that being said, was I simply living an illusion that I called a relationship? Was I really in love, or was I just in need of something that I could not give myself/get from myself? Are we really capable of love if we do not love ourselves? Love starts with us and ends with us. This is what I have learned from soul searching.

JB