(Original post date: Tuesday, August 19th, 2008)
A body full of sorrow and pain
Veins filled with black blood,
Skin dry and cracked,
Bones broken
A human with no core and no soul
This is the image in the mirror
Staring back at me, at you
Once in love, and now full of hate
Once whole, and now ripped in two
Where do you begin?
Where do I end?
One half me, one half you
I will never find my way back, nor will you
We are separate, but the same
We are never going to be the same
The rain no longer warm and soft
Instead, thick droplets of blood
Replace the love drained from my veins
All I see is your broken, cracked face,
Filled with pain and guilt,
Empty of truth, empty of love
How do we change this aching, bitter, cracked road,
This twisting, widening mess,
To get back to that place?
The gates of heaven or hell opened for us,
By us, to service us
I am bleeding in my heart,
Choking on chunks of blood...
Feeling your loss,
Feeling your pain,
Aching in vain
What have we become?
A bag of brittle bones,
Blood to ashes,
Hate to fear
What is it that you fear??!!!
Why do you hate me so?
Knife so deep,
Cracked my heart,
Ripped my soul
Swallowing black blood...
I hold your face in my gaze,
Tears dripping down,
Wishing that this road had an end
The blood has turned to dust and ashes
Good-bye is all that's left
The last drop of blood touches my lips on yours
Rest
Good-bye is my final word,
Written in blood on your lips
Good-bye
Until we meet again...
Angel with gilded wings,
Who saved my life a long time ago,
Then took my life without a second thought, look or embrace
With black blood on your wings and hands,
How do you love me again?
© 2008 JB. All rights reserved.
Showing posts with label hate. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hate. Show all posts
Friday, January 30, 2009
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
The Hate Inside
I was going through my journal and found something that I wrote back in July of this year. As you're about to discover, I was in a very dark place at the time, so covered in hate that I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. Now, three months later, a lot of that hate has been neutralized by love, which always comes in to remind me that it’s important to remember the good times.
JB
=================================
The Hate Inside
My body is infested with hate,
Hate that came to me one cold December,
In the form of a woman
Disguised as love
She introduced hate to me slowly,
Lying to me,
But calling it love
Words of hate came from her lips,
Entered my ears,
And left their scars
I was once a kind soul,
Full of love, compassion, joy,
But hate drew me in, saying:
Let me release you
Let me give you some reprieve
Feel the hate
It will set you free
I said: No, I am a good person
Hate said: No, you're not
I tried to bury hate,
But hate came back,
Blanketed my very being,
And devoured the love I once had
Now, I need to hate,
Or I will die from hurt,
From heartbreak
I wake to hate
I bath in hate
I seep with hate
I relish the hate
I can’t breathe without hate
Hate made my skin dry
Hate made my bones ache
Hate turned my blood into poison
My eyes went black from hate
My hands only feel hate
My legs are the anchors of hate
My heart is the sewage system of hate,
Poisoning me slowly
With the venom it pumps out
Until all is settled,
Until I no longer need her hateful grasp on me,
Until hate finally drains
From the last drop of my black blood,
I will return hate to its rightful owner,
My beloved,
On a cold winter’s night
© 2008 JB. All rights reserved.
JB
=================================
The Hate Inside
My body is infested with hate,
Hate that came to me one cold December,
In the form of a woman
Disguised as love
She introduced hate to me slowly,
Lying to me,
But calling it love
Words of hate came from her lips,
Entered my ears,
And left their scars
I was once a kind soul,
Full of love, compassion, joy,
But hate drew me in, saying:
Let me release you
Let me give you some reprieve
Feel the hate
It will set you free
I said: No, I am a good person
Hate said: No, you're not
I tried to bury hate,
But hate came back,
Blanketed my very being,
And devoured the love I once had
Now, I need to hate,
Or I will die from hurt,
From heartbreak
I wake to hate
I bath in hate
I seep with hate
I relish the hate
I can’t breathe without hate
Hate made my skin dry
Hate made my bones ache
Hate turned my blood into poison
My eyes went black from hate
My hands only feel hate
My legs are the anchors of hate
My heart is the sewage system of hate,
Poisoning me slowly
With the venom it pumps out
Until all is settled,
Until I no longer need her hateful grasp on me,
Until hate finally drains
From the last drop of my black blood,
I will return hate to its rightful owner,
My beloved,
On a cold winter’s night
© 2008 JB. All rights reserved.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
My Blanket of Sadness
It’s 1 o'clock in the morning and, as usual, I can’t sleep. Only, this time is different than most sleepless nights because tonight I dug out my blanket, the one that I have been hiding for the last few weeks. My blanket of sadness... the one that consists of the last three years of my life woven into one tangled & messy weave, otherwise known as the life of a depressed person trying to hide from all the hurt and pain that she's experienced because of a failed relationship with the one person who she thought would never fail her... the one person who she thought would love her forever.
Tonight, my blanket of sadness has a strangle hold on me, and it won’t let go. Sitting at the edge of my bed crying like my kitten just died, I realize that the hurt is still there no matter what, and my blanket is the only thing that gives me comfort. The agonizing thought that two people who played a cruel & unthinkable game with me could be sharing a bed together makes me want to move to another country, just so I never have to witness the mockery of this affair. Someone tell me how you can live a truth that was based on lies to start off with?
On the floor by my feet, there's a puddle of tears surrounded by Kleenex. It's a familiar scene that I thought was finally over, but I guess my blanket of sadness is wrapped around me tighter than I thought. I have been trying to store it away permanently, and hope I will soon. For now, I need to cover my face because my tears feel like acid, and my eyes are burning. I need to say this: I hate them both with an undeniable passion, and wish them pain & suffering for the rest of their lives. This may sound mean, but it's what I feel... it's the hurt talking. Some people would probably say worse. All I know is that I need to release it. The sadness is only a temporary thing that will fade as my wounds heal.
I know that I may declare love for this woman in some of my posts, but there is a thin line between love and hate. You can’t draw the line properly because it’s blurred. We love as hard as we hate, and I am living proof of this. I have forgiven myself, but tonight I hate this overwhelming feeling of loosing control. Something has taken over my heart, and filled it with the hate that I am trying to unload.
Why are you here tonight, sadness and hate? Why are you strangling me? Are you reminding me that I am alive and need to feel all that is in me?
Wrapping the blanket tighter, I feel secure that I will finish this, and then get to sleep like a child. I miss that kind of sleep so much. Maybe, I will dream of the love that once cared for me, who held me in her gaze for hours and watched me sleep. I miss her as much as I hate her. My heart and soul ache for her touch, her lips, her love.
My blanket of sadness is holding the hurt, sad, betrayed, and somewhat depressed women deep within me... the woman who never once gave up on her love, yet whose love gave up on her in a heart beat because a half life was easier to settle for than a full life. It's sad what people will do to fit into the structures dictated by others.
JB
Tonight, my blanket of sadness has a strangle hold on me, and it won’t let go. Sitting at the edge of my bed crying like my kitten just died, I realize that the hurt is still there no matter what, and my blanket is the only thing that gives me comfort. The agonizing thought that two people who played a cruel & unthinkable game with me could be sharing a bed together makes me want to move to another country, just so I never have to witness the mockery of this affair. Someone tell me how you can live a truth that was based on lies to start off with?
On the floor by my feet, there's a puddle of tears surrounded by Kleenex. It's a familiar scene that I thought was finally over, but I guess my blanket of sadness is wrapped around me tighter than I thought. I have been trying to store it away permanently, and hope I will soon. For now, I need to cover my face because my tears feel like acid, and my eyes are burning. I need to say this: I hate them both with an undeniable passion, and wish them pain & suffering for the rest of their lives. This may sound mean, but it's what I feel... it's the hurt talking. Some people would probably say worse. All I know is that I need to release it. The sadness is only a temporary thing that will fade as my wounds heal.
I know that I may declare love for this woman in some of my posts, but there is a thin line between love and hate. You can’t draw the line properly because it’s blurred. We love as hard as we hate, and I am living proof of this. I have forgiven myself, but tonight I hate this overwhelming feeling of loosing control. Something has taken over my heart, and filled it with the hate that I am trying to unload.
Why are you here tonight, sadness and hate? Why are you strangling me? Are you reminding me that I am alive and need to feel all that is in me?
Wrapping the blanket tighter, I feel secure that I will finish this, and then get to sleep like a child. I miss that kind of sleep so much. Maybe, I will dream of the love that once cared for me, who held me in her gaze for hours and watched me sleep. I miss her as much as I hate her. My heart and soul ache for her touch, her lips, her love.
My blanket of sadness is holding the hurt, sad, betrayed, and somewhat depressed women deep within me... the woman who never once gave up on her love, yet whose love gave up on her in a heart beat because a half life was easier to settle for than a full life. It's sad what people will do to fit into the structures dictated by others.
JB
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Breakfast With Bitter
I figured that breakfast with my sister (aka Bitter) this morning would, as per usual, be a frolicking trip down 'I hate the world and everyone can go f**k themselves' lane, and so it was. She never disappoints.
Me: (sitting down at the table) So, how are you today?
Bitter: What are you stupid? I just saw you last night at work. How the f**k do you think I am?
Me: Are you drunk? You don't seem like yourself.
Bitter: Actually, no, I'm stoned. I have been popping pills (Percocet for her lower back pain) all morning. Don't give me a lecture. Don't want to know and don't care.
Clearly, this was going to be a full force, in your face, bitterness hate festival of a breakfast. She started with HWSNBN, and then her ex (the guy left her to get married to a pure woman because he's Muslim and she isn't). Then, she went on a tirade about God ("Who the f**k does God think he is?") and my going to church.
Holy crap, I thought. She is going to explode like a nuclear missile. Time for a distraction.
Me: Do you think things happen for a reason?
Bitter: (nothing, just looking at me like I'm an idiot)
Me: Am I going to find love like Ellen?
Bitter: (clearing her throat) Can I tell you something, Bubbles (she calls me that sometimes)? Stop reading all those books about fixing your life and, please, for the love of God, pull your head out of your Ex's a** and get over it. She is the lowest form of human that I have ever encountered. She has dumped you, of all the people in the world, a kind soul like you, for a 24 year old, low life, pot smoking, paint balling, drinking fool who pisses more then a girl (he's got bladder problems), hanging out with his high school boyfriends (she says 'boyfriends' because she thinks he's gay), who have never been laid by real women, and him f**king your Ex doesn't count. She isn't a woman at all because she couldn't even leave her house to get laid and decide what her sexuality really is. Please, she is the most stupid idiot on this earth, and they both deserve each other. She settled for this. So, let her suck it up until there is nothing left, and when she comes back, slam the door in her face because you deserve so much better. Please, I beg of you, Bubbles, stop the insanity. Now, finish your breakfast and let me go back to my hole, and pop my pills, and contemplate how much I hate these people who have screwed you and me over, while I drink my strawberry daiquiris.
Me: (holy crap!) Umm, you really shouldn't mix booze and pills.
Bitter: Please, are you 12-teen, now? Butt out, Bubbles, and go hang out with your new girlfriends.
After all that, I wondered why she wanted to have breakfast to begin with, but I didn't ask. When we were done, I dropped her off in front of her place.
Bitter: (getting out of my car) Don't feel bad for me. You make your bed and you lay in it.
With the slam of my car door, she was gone. I took off for my mom's place feeling totally exhausted, and praying my mom wouldn't ask too many questions when I got there.
Me: (making my way through my mom's front door) Morning, ma.
Mother: Where is your sister?
Me: (uh oh, here we go) She isn't feeling well.
Mother: (a knowing look on her face) What, she drunk today?
Me: No.
Mother: You lie to me, eh?
Me: (sh*t) Ma...
Mother: She talk nonsense today?
Oh, how well we know each other.
JB
Me: (sitting down at the table) So, how are you today?
Bitter: What are you stupid? I just saw you last night at work. How the f**k do you think I am?
Me: Are you drunk? You don't seem like yourself.
Bitter: Actually, no, I'm stoned. I have been popping pills (Percocet for her lower back pain) all morning. Don't give me a lecture. Don't want to know and don't care.
Clearly, this was going to be a full force, in your face, bitterness hate festival of a breakfast. She started with HWSNBN, and then her ex (the guy left her to get married to a pure woman because he's Muslim and she isn't). Then, she went on a tirade about God ("Who the f**k does God think he is?") and my going to church.
Holy crap, I thought. She is going to explode like a nuclear missile. Time for a distraction.
Me: Do you think things happen for a reason?
Bitter: (nothing, just looking at me like I'm an idiot)
Me: Am I going to find love like Ellen?
Bitter: (clearing her throat) Can I tell you something, Bubbles (she calls me that sometimes)? Stop reading all those books about fixing your life and, please, for the love of God, pull your head out of your Ex's a** and get over it. She is the lowest form of human that I have ever encountered. She has dumped you, of all the people in the world, a kind soul like you, for a 24 year old, low life, pot smoking, paint balling, drinking fool who pisses more then a girl (he's got bladder problems), hanging out with his high school boyfriends (she says 'boyfriends' because she thinks he's gay), who have never been laid by real women, and him f**king your Ex doesn't count. She isn't a woman at all because she couldn't even leave her house to get laid and decide what her sexuality really is. Please, she is the most stupid idiot on this earth, and they both deserve each other. She settled for this. So, let her suck it up until there is nothing left, and when she comes back, slam the door in her face because you deserve so much better. Please, I beg of you, Bubbles, stop the insanity. Now, finish your breakfast and let me go back to my hole, and pop my pills, and contemplate how much I hate these people who have screwed you and me over, while I drink my strawberry daiquiris.
Me: (holy crap!) Umm, you really shouldn't mix booze and pills.
Bitter: Please, are you 12-teen, now? Butt out, Bubbles, and go hang out with your new girlfriends.
After all that, I wondered why she wanted to have breakfast to begin with, but I didn't ask. When we were done, I dropped her off in front of her place.
Bitter: (getting out of my car) Don't feel bad for me. You make your bed and you lay in it.
With the slam of my car door, she was gone. I took off for my mom's place feeling totally exhausted, and praying my mom wouldn't ask too many questions when I got there.
Me: (making my way through my mom's front door) Morning, ma.
Mother: Where is your sister?
Me: (uh oh, here we go) She isn't feeling well.
Mother: (a knowing look on her face) What, she drunk today?
Me: No.
Mother: You lie to me, eh?
Me: (sh*t) Ma...
Mother: She talk nonsense today?
Oh, how well we know each other.
JB
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Black Blood: A Poem For My Love
A body full of sorrow and pain
Veins filled with black blood,
Skin dry and cracked,
Bones broken
A human with no core and no soul
This is the image in the mirror
Staring back at me, at you
Once in love, and now full of hate
Once whole, and now ripped in two
Where do you begin?
Where do I end?
One half me, one half you
I will never find my way back, nor will you
We are separate, but the same
We are never going to be the same
The rain no longer warm and soft
Instead, thick droplets of blood
Replace the love drained from my veins
All I see is your broken, cracked face,
Filled with pain and guilt,
Empty of truth, empty of love
How do we change this aching, bitter, cracked road,
This twisting, widening mess,
To get back to that place?
The gates of heaven or hell opened for us,
By us, to service us
I am bleeding in my heart,
Choking on chunks of blood...
Feeling your loss,
Feeling your pain,
Aching in vain
What have we become?
A bag of brittle bones,
Blood to ashes,
Hate to fear
What is it that you fear??!!!
Why do you hate me so?
Knife so deep,
Cracked my heart,
Ripped my soul
Swallowing black blood...
I hold your face in my gaze,
Tears dripping down,
Wishing that this road had an end
The blood has turned to dust and ashes
Good-bye is all that's left
The last drop of blood touches my lips on yours
Rest
Good-bye is my final word,
Written in blood on your lips
Good-bye
Until we meet again...
Angel with gilded wings,
Who saved my life a long time ago,
Then took my life without a second thought, look or embrace
With black blood on your wings and hands,
How do you love me again?
© 2008 JB. All rights reserved.
Veins filled with black blood,
Skin dry and cracked,
Bones broken
A human with no core and no soul
This is the image in the mirror
Staring back at me, at you
Once in love, and now full of hate
Once whole, and now ripped in two
Where do you begin?
Where do I end?
One half me, one half you
I will never find my way back, nor will you
We are separate, but the same
We are never going to be the same
The rain no longer warm and soft
Instead, thick droplets of blood
Replace the love drained from my veins
All I see is your broken, cracked face,
Filled with pain and guilt,
Empty of truth, empty of love
How do we change this aching, bitter, cracked road,
This twisting, widening mess,
To get back to that place?
The gates of heaven or hell opened for us,
By us, to service us
I am bleeding in my heart,
Choking on chunks of blood...
Feeling your loss,
Feeling your pain,
Aching in vain
What have we become?
A bag of brittle bones,
Blood to ashes,
Hate to fear
What is it that you fear??!!!
Why do you hate me so?
Knife so deep,
Cracked my heart,
Ripped my soul
Swallowing black blood...
I hold your face in my gaze,
Tears dripping down,
Wishing that this road had an end
The blood has turned to dust and ashes
Good-bye is all that's left
The last drop of blood touches my lips on yours
Rest
Good-bye is my final word,
Written in blood on your lips
Good-bye
Until we meet again...
Angel with gilded wings,
Who saved my life a long time ago,
Then took my life without a second thought, look or embrace
With black blood on your wings and hands,
How do you love me again?
© 2008 JB. All rights reserved.
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