Drifting Thoughts

(Original post date: Saturday, August 9th, 2008)

I am filled with an emptiness that’s larger than an ocean blue across a vast horizon. Talking does not make me feel better. It only hurts more when the words don't come as easily as one may think. Talk, but nothing is coming out, only emptiness is left.

I can't express myself, can't find myself in this skin suit I'm wearing. I am only a shell of who I used to be. Where have I gone? Where do I begin to look for me?

Shall I light a fire so that I can find my way home? Shall I send out a message in a bottle? It's hard to describe to someone how you feel when you can't feel it yourself and the words have disappeared into the darkness of your mind.

Darkness is falling over my soul... the soul of a lost child, trapped in a grown woman’s body and who has never experienced childhood. I have absorbed the sins of my father and mother, and have been lost in their hell.

I want to escape this world, leave it for a beautiful paradise... fly up to the sky, release my chains into the wind, and be free... escape to that quiet place I so desire to find, where I can smell the scents of the earth all over my body and let it blanket me.

I would love to sleep and not wake... slumber deep into the night... drift into a place of limitless air, breathe warm breaths of heaven, and lie down in a pillow of fresh dew.

I have nothing left in me. I am being drained slowly day in and day out. Soon, I will be a shell of who I was, unrecognizable to me or you... nothing left but my hollow corpse of dried blood, cracked flesh, and broken bones.

What used to be has to end. Nothing is as it was. Let go and go forth without hesitation... love and be loved... stay strong and never look back.

I, you, we are only one, and one we will always be.

JB

Black Blood: A Poem For My Love

(Original post date: Tuesday, August 19th, 2008)

A body full of sorrow and pain
Veins filled with black blood,
Skin dry and cracked,
Bones broken
A human with no core and no soul
This is the image in the mirror
Staring back at me, at you
Once in love, and now full of hate
Once whole, and now ripped in two
Where do you begin?
Where do I end?
One half me, one half you
I will never find my way back, nor will you
We are separate, but the same
We are never going to be the same
The rain no longer warm and soft
Instead, thick droplets of blood
Replace the love drained from my veins
All I see is your broken, cracked face,
Filled with pain and guilt,
Empty of truth, empty of love
How do we change this aching, bitter, cracked road,
This twisting, widening mess,
To get back to that place?
The gates of heaven or hell opened for us,
By us, to service us
I am bleeding in my heart,
Choking on chunks of blood...
Feeling your loss,
Feeling your pain,
Aching in vain
What have we become?
A bag of brittle bones,
Blood to ashes,
Hate to fear
What is it that you fear??!!!
Why do you hate me so?
Knife so deep,
Cracked my heart,
Ripped my soul
Swallowing black blood...
I hold your face in my gaze,
Tears dripping down,
Wishing that this road had an end
The blood has turned to dust and ashes
Good-bye is all that's left
The last drop of blood touches my lips on yours
Rest
Good-bye is my final word,
Written in blood on your lips
Good-bye
Until we meet again...
Angel with gilded wings,
Who saved my life a long time ago,
Then took my life without a second thought, look or embrace
With black blood on your wings and hands,
How do you love me again?

© 2008 JB. All rights reserved.

Black Blood: A Poem For My Love

A body full of sorrow and pain
Veins filled with black blood,
Skin dry and cracked,
Bones broken
A human with no core and no soul
This is the image in the mirror
Staring back at me, at you
Once in love, and now full of hate
Once whole, and now ripped in two
Where do you begin?
Where do I end?
One half me, one half you
I will never find my way back, nor will you
We are separate, but the same
We are never going to be the same
The rain no longer warm and soft
Instead, thick droplets of blood
Replace the love drained from my veins
All I see is your broken, cracked face,
Filled with pain and guilt,
Empty of truth, empty of love
How do we change this aching, bitter, cracked road,
This twisting, widening mess,
To get back to that place?
The gates of heaven or hell opened for us,
By us, to service us
I am bleeding in my heart,
Choking on chunks of blood...
Feeling your loss,
Feeling your pain,
Aching in vain
What have we become?
A bag of brittle bones,
Blood to ashes,
Hate to fear
What is it that you fear??!!!
Why do you hate me so?
Knife so deep,
Cracked my heart,
Ripped my soul
Swallowing black blood...
I hold your face in my gaze,
Tears dripping down,
Wishing that this road had an end
The blood has turned to dust and ashes
Good-bye is all that's left
The last drop of blood touches my lips on yours
Rest
Good-bye is my final word,
Written in blood on your lips
Good-bye
Until we meet again...
Angel with gilded wings,
Who saved my life a long time ago,
Then took my life without a second thought, look or embrace
With black blood on your wings and hands,
How do you love me again?

© 2008 JB. All rights reserved.

Drifting Thoughts

I am filled with an emptiness that’s larger than an ocean blue across a vast horizon. Talking does not make me feel better. It only hurts more when the words don't come as easily as one may think. Talk, but nothing is coming out, only emptiness is left.

I can't express myself, can't find myself in this skin suit I'm wearing. I am only a shell of who I used to be. Where have I gone? Where do I begin to look for me?

Shall I light a fire so that I can find my way home? Shall I send out a message in a bottle? It's hard to describe to someone how you feel when you can't feel it yourself and the words have disappeared into the darkness of your mind.

Darkness is falling over my soul... the soul of a lost child, trapped in a grown woman’s body and who has never experienced childhood. I have absorbed the sins of my father and mother, and have been lost in their hell.

I want to escape this world, leave it for a beautiful paradise... fly up to the sky, release my chains into the wind, and be free... escape to that quiet place I so desire to find, where I can smell the scents of the earth all over my body and let it blanket me.

I would love to sleep and not wake... slumber deep into the night... drift into a place of limitless air, breathe warm breaths of heaven, and lie down in a pillow of fresh dew.

I have nothing left in me. I am being drained slowly day in and day out. Soon, I will be a shell of who I was, unrecognizable to me or you... nothing left but my hollow corpse of dried blood, cracked flesh, and broken bones.

What used to be has to end. Nothing is as it was. Let go and go forth without hesitation... love and be loved... stay strong and never look back.

I, you, we are only one, and one we will always be.

JB