Customer of the Week: Cross Dressing Santa

The other day, I was busy flat icing cakes, completely bored out of my freakin' mind, when Christmas came early… sort of. I was by myself at the time, so I had to keep one eye on what I was doing, and the other looking out for customers in need of assistance. At one point, I glanced up, and coming towards the counter was an elderly gentleman who looked a lot like Santa, at least from the neck up. From the neck down, he was wearing a white, billowy button down shirt with a black bra underneath (I kid you not, people, I could see the straps on his shoulders because the top buttons on his shirt were undone) & a full length floral skirt. He was also carrying a cloth purse. Holy sh*t, it's not just Santa, but cross dressing Santa, I thought to myself. And, if that wasn't weird enough, when he reached the counter, he called out 'hello' to me in a voice that sounded a lot like Alvin from Alvin in the Chipmunks. It took all I had too keep a straight face as I made my way over to see what he wanted.

Me: Hi, how can I help you?

CDS: I'm looking for the gluten free bread that you had on that table (points over his shoulder) last week.

Me: Gluten free… we had that???

CDS: (excitedly) Oh, yes, it's my fave!

Me: (did he just say, 'fave'?) Oh…

CDS: It has the name of a man and woman on it.

Me: (racking my brain) Hmm…

CDS: Are you new here?

Me: Yes

CDS: (twirling his hair and batting his lashes) You have a lovely smile.

Me: (OMG, is he flirting with me?) Oh… thanks.

CDS: Do you like making cakes?

Me: Not really. It's kind of boring and it hurts my arm a lot.

CDS: (giggly) But it looks like so much fun!

Me: (nothing, just a vision of CDS decorating cakes in his white shirt and floral skirt flashing through my mind)

CDS: So, do you have any of that bread left?

Me: Let me call the girl who works with me and see if she knows what you're looking for.

CDS: Sure, OK.

I quickly paged Power Ranger to come save me from CDS, and I wish I'd had a camera to capture the look on her face when she showed up because it was positively priceless. I'm talking Master Card commercial worthy priceless.

Pwr Rngr: (looking at me totally wide-eyed, as if to say, WTF??) Hi… what's up?

Me: (doing my best not to laugh) This gentleman is looking for gluten free bread with a man and woman's name on the bag.

Pwr Rngr: Um, yeah, it's been moved to aisle one, the commercial bread aisle.

CDS: (super happy) Ooo, thanks for your help. You're both lovely!

Off he went in search of his gluten free bread, his skirt & shirt flowing out behind him like he was floating away on a cloud.

Pwr Rngr: Holy crap, was he wearing a bra?

Me: H*ll yeah, and I think his boobs where bigger then mine!

Pwr Rngr: OMG, that was weird.

Me: No weirder then the stripper with her pimp.

Pwr Rngr: Oh, yeah. I forget about those two.

Me: Yeah, and what about the lady with the goatee that scared the sh*t out of Superstar a couple of days ago?

Pwr Rngr: Hahahaha!!

Yup, folks, we get all kinds.

JB

Letters To My Bakery Customers

Well, folks, it's that time again. I'm feeling the need to vent, so here's my first set of Letters To My Bakery Customers.

Dear Oatmeal Raisin Cookie Guy,

What's your deal? No, seriously, wtf is wrong with you? On the blog post that I wrote about you, one of my fellow bloggers pointed out that there might be a medically documented reason your idiocy, but I don't agree. I think you're just a wack job who enjoys being a pain in my a** every freakin' week. Well, let me tell you something, pal, cookies may crumble, but you will not break me. In other words, there is no way in h*ll that I'm going to give in to your insanity and ignore store policy just so you can have your 'oatmeal raisin cookies only' fix. Nope, I might be really tired of decorating cakes all f**king day, but you will not be the reason I lose my job. Go find yourself a store that actually sells what you want, or I'm going to beat you senseless with a baguette, drag you over to my side of the bakery counter, and then put you in the oven to bake like your precious oatmeal raisin cookies!

Peace,
JB

Dear Carrot Muffin Lady,

I don't suppose Oatmeal Raisin Cookie Guy is your husband? If not, you two should get hitched and move to a land far, far away. I'm thinking Never Land. You know, where Peter Pan, Tinkerbell, and the Lost Boys live? Yeah, that would be the perfect place since you guys are never going to grow up. Seriously, you two are like spoiled brats who can't get their way. Well, like I told ORCG, I won't go against store policy just so you can have what you want, when you want it. We bake carrot muffins when we bake them, and that's that. It's not my fault that you always come in when there aren't any left. If you're that desperate to have some, come in every single day for a week, and you just might get lucky. Or, you could just get the h*ll over it because, if you don't, I'm going to stab you with the sharpest carrot I can find. Capice?

Peace,
JB

Dear Bread Biatch,

Have you ever heard of a word called 'please'? Have you, you botox binging freak? I mean, do you seriously think that shoving bread at me and rudely asking me to "slice it" is the way to go? Well, let me tell you something, you frozen face fiend, if you plan to come back to my counter, I suggest you sign up for lessons with Miss Manners first. Otherwise, the next time you ram a bread bag in my face, I'll ram it right back at you and take your freakin' eye out!

Peace,
JB
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For more letters, check out:

Letters To My Customers

Letters To My Customers - Part 2

Letters To My Deli Customers

Letters To My Deli Customers - Part 2

J'Adore Tien Blog

A few weeks ago, the lovely Alpha passed on the J'Adore Tien Blog (ie. I Love Your Blog) award to me, but I'm just now getting around to sharing the news. I swear, I start drafts, but finishing them can sometimes take a while because I'm just too bloody tired to write when I get home from work. There are some changes going on, however, that should make my life easier (fingers crossed) come the end of this month. I'll fill you guys in later, though, otherwise I'll never get to passing on the J'Adore Tien Blog award.

Rules (as far as I can tell):

1. Name the person who passed the award on to you & link back to his or her blog

- Thanks again to Alpha

2. Pass the award on to bloggers (you choose how many... I only picked 5 because I love a lot of blogs) who write blogs that you love

Shadow

Mr. Condescending

Cheryl

Chris

Mel

3. Display the award on your blog

Done!


JB

Belated Birthday Post

Not too long ago, I had a birthday that I was planning to celebrate with a weekend getaway. Unfortunately, I couldn't get the time off work, so my roommate decided that we should invite some people over & have a party. What he didn't tell me was that there were going to be some surprise guests. They weren't strippers, if that's what you're thinking, just people that I hadn't seen or talked to in a long time. We had a really good mix of old and new friends gathered together, so it was an interesting evening. Well, at least from what from what my roommate and I managed to recall the following morning. He was majorly hungover, and I wasn't doing so hot myself. Now that I'm older, I don't have more than 2 or 3 beers every once and a while, so the 12 year old Scotch that I drank the night before was a whole lot harder on me than it used to be back when I used to party all the time.

Anyway, here are some highlights (lol, not so much) from my party:

- finding two pairs of men's tighty whities & a very large bra by my pool the next morning (clearly, some people got naked)

- falling off my bar stool as I tried to spin around to talk to the person behind me (note to self: the bar stools only spin around half way)

- taking my roommate down with me as I fell off my bar stool, yet managing not to spill a drop of the drink in my hand (I do magic tricks too!)

- three larger then life lesbians skinny dipping in my pool using their breasts as floating devices (like I said, some people got naked)

- the bunch of gay guys who screamed like school girls, and then quickly shielded their eyes when they saw the naked ladies in my pool (talk about a bunch of drama "queens")

- one of those guys yelling, "OH MY GOD, there are beavers in the pool!!" (clearly, he was the biggest "queen" on the scene)

- some guy, wearing nothing but his tighty whities, wandering around the house in a complete daze & muttering, "Where's the bathroom?" (I wonder if he ever found it)

- my roommate starting a bonfire at 2am and almost setting himself on fire in the process (note: don’t play with fire when you're extremely drunk)

- hearing my friend who helped me to bed say, "Hey, I didn't realize that you go commando under your jeans" (good thing that friend's not afraid of beavers)

JB

I'm A Superior Scribbler!

A few days ago, CatLadyLarew stopped by to say that she had something for me on her blog. What I found waiting there for me was the Superior Scribbler Award. I'm very flattered to be a recipient of this award because I never thought anyone would actually give a crap about what I had to say, and also because growing as a writer is really important to me. Thanks, CatLadyLarew, for your appreciation & support.

Now, as with all blog awards, there are rules to be followed, and they are:

1. Pass the award on to 5 deserving bloggy friends

I hereby award Anna, Maggie May, Anita, Cinner, and Travel & Dive Girl.

2. Name the person who passed the award on to you & link back to his or her blog

Thanks again to CatLadyLarew!

3. Display the award on your blog

Check!

4. Link to this post which explains how the award came to be & add your name to the Mr. Linky List at the end of that post.

I'm number 924.

I wonder who will be number 1000.

JB

Beloved

Beloved,
In daylight,
Like a funeral pyre burning bright,
I am exposed for all to see

Tainted
Isolated
My soul
My blackened heart

I am a victim,
A wretched, twisted entity,
Crucified
By a legacy of lies

Beloved,
When darkness prevails,
Tears spill in vain
My pillow drowns

Agony
Bears vigil at my core
I am ravaged
I am torn

Night after night,
Whispering your name,
Small, silent breaths
Echoing...

Beloved
Beloved
Beloved
Beloved…

© 2009 JB. All rights reserved.