Sunday, August 31, 2008

Breakfast With Bitter

I figured that breakfast with my sister (aka Bitter) this morning would, as per usual, be a frolicking trip down 'I hate the world and everyone can go f**k themselves' lane, and so it was. She never disappoints.

Me: (sitting down at the table) So, how are you today?

Bitter: What are you stupid? I just saw you last night at work. How the f**k do you think I am?

Me: Are you drunk? You don't seem like yourself.

Bitter: Actually, no, I'm stoned. I have been popping pills (Percocet for her lower back pain) all morning. Don't give me a lecture. Don't want to know and don't care.

Clearly, this was going to be a full force, in your face, bitterness hate festival of a breakfast. She started with HWSNBN, and then her ex (the guy left her to get married to a pure woman because he's Muslim and she isn't). Then, she went on a tirade about God ("Who the f**k does God think he is?") and my going to church.

Holy crap, I thought. She is going to explode like a nuclear missile. Time for a distraction.

Me: Do you think things happen for a reason?

Bitter: (nothing, just looking at me like I'm an idiot)

Me: Am I going to find love like Ellen?

Bitter: (clearing her throat) Can I tell you something, Bubbles (she calls me that sometimes)? Stop reading all those books about fixing your life and, please, for the love of God, pull your head out of your Ex's a** and get over it. She is the lowest form of human that I have ever encountered. She has dumped you, of all the people in the world, a kind soul like you, for a 24 year old, low life, pot smoking, paint balling, drinking fool who pisses more then a girl (he's got bladder problems), hanging out with his high school boyfriends (she says 'boyfriends' because she thinks he's gay), who have never been laid by real women, and him f**king your Ex doesn't count. She isn't a woman at all because she couldn't even leave her house to get laid and decide what her sexuality really is. Please, she is the most stupid idiot on this earth, and they both deserve each other. She settled for this. So, let her suck it up until there is nothing left, and when she comes back, slam the door in her face because you deserve so much better. Please, I beg of you, Bubbles, stop the insanity. Now, finish your breakfast and let me go back to my hole, and pop my pills, and contemplate how much I hate these people who have screwed you and me over, while I drink my strawberry daiquiris.

Me: (holy crap!) Umm, you really shouldn't mix booze and pills.

Bitter: Please, are you 12-teen, now? Butt out, Bubbles, and go hang out with your new girlfriends.

After all that, I wondered why she wanted to have breakfast to begin with, but I didn't ask. When we were done, I dropped her off in front of her place.

Bitter: (getting out of my car) Don't feel bad for me. You make your bed and you lay in it.

With the slam of my car door, she was gone. I took off for my mom's place feeling totally exhausted, and praying my mom wouldn't ask too many questions when I got there.

Me: (making my way through my mom's front door) Morning, ma.

Mother: Where is your sister?

Me: (uh oh, here we go) She isn't feeling well.

Mother: (a knowing look on her face) What, she drunk today?

Me: No.

Mother: You lie to me, eh?

Me: (sh*t) Ma...

Mother: She talk nonsense today?

Oh, how well we know each other.


1 comment:

  1. OMG. I love Bitter. In a scared-she-might-kick-my-ass kinda way.

    Hope she's ok, that drugs and booze are a sometime thing, not a way of life.


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