Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Letters To My Bakery Customers

Well, folks, it's that time again. I'm feeling the need to vent, so here's my first set of Letters To My Bakery Customers.

Dear Oatmeal Raisin Cookie Guy,

What's your deal? No, seriously, wtf is wrong with you? On the blog post that I wrote about you, one of my fellow bloggers pointed out that there might be a medically documented reason your idiocy, but I don't agree. I think you're just a wack job who enjoys being a pain in my a** every freakin' week. Well, let me tell you something, pal, cookies may crumble, but you will not break me. In other words, there is no way in h*ll that I'm going to give in to your insanity and ignore store policy just so you can have your 'oatmeal raisin cookies only' fix. Nope, I might be really tired of decorating cakes all f**king day, but you will not be the reason I lose my job. Go find yourself a store that actually sells what you want, or I'm going to beat you senseless with a baguette, drag you over to my side of the bakery counter, and then put you in the oven to bake like your precious oatmeal raisin cookies!

Peace,
JB

Dear Carrot Muffin Lady,

I don't suppose Oatmeal Raisin Cookie Guy is your husband? If not, you two should get hitched and move to a land far, far away. I'm thinking Never Land. You know, where Peter Pan, Tinkerbell, and the Lost Boys live? Yeah, that would be the perfect place since you guys are never going to grow up. Seriously, you two are like spoiled brats who can't get their way. Well, like I told ORCG, I won't go against store policy just so you can have what you want, when you want it. We bake carrot muffins when we bake them, and that's that. It's not my fault that you always come in when there aren't any left. If you're that desperate to have some, come in every single day for a week, and you just might get lucky. Or, you could just get the h*ll over it because, if you don't, I'm going to stab you with the sharpest carrot I can find. Capice?

Peace,
JB

Dear Bread Biatch,

Have you ever heard of a word called 'please'? Have you, you botox binging freak? I mean, do you seriously think that shoving bread at me and rudely asking me to "slice it" is the way to go? Well, let me tell you something, you frozen face fiend, if you plan to come back to my counter, I suggest you sign up for lessons with Miss Manners first. Otherwise, the next time you ram a bread bag in my face, I'll ram it right back at you and take your freakin' eye out!

Peace,
JB
-----------------------------------------------------------

For more letters, check out:

Letters To My Customers

Letters To My Customers - Part 2

Letters To My Deli Customers

Letters To My Deli Customers - Part 2

32 comments:

  1. This is why I only sell online! No customers to deal with face to face!!

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  2. God. I don't know how you do it. I would seriously go postal if I had to deal with any of your customers.

    You are a strong woman!

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  3. motherfucker! i love reading your letters to customers...these are things i would like the entire world to read.
    why can't people just realize they're being retarded stupid ugly assholes?

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  4. @Lee...seriously your right but look at how much fun i'm having. Thanks for stopping in.

    huggs
    jbxox

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  5. @Travel...wait for the next set of letters. This is the reason why I don't go postal cause I can write them letters....Amen to letter writing.

    huggs
    jbxo

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  6. Ah, how I love you. "..and move to a land far, far away".

    Anna
    xxxxxxxxxxxx

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  7. @miss chief..... retarded stupid ugly assholes? hahahahah awesome way of putting it.....your the best. Thanks for always leaving insanely awesome comments Love You!!!!!!

    huggs
    jbxo

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  8. What a blast! You get to say all the things you think in your head here. LOVE IT!

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  9. @Anna...I couldn't think of any land far far way...then I thought of England.....Oh..I couldn't do that to you.

    Love you lots and lots
    jbxoxoxoxoxox

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  10. Is it wrong that I find so much amusement in reading your stories about @sshole customers? I hope not!

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  11. @Susan....yes I do and sometimes it dosen't stay in my head and slips out..lolol. Thanks for stopping in for a visit.

    huggs
    jbxo

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  12. @Bard..no not at all please enjoy responsibly and all will be good.

    huggs
    jbxo

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  13. J.B. I will be the woman at the window afraid to come in. Kidding, you go girl, maybe boxing would be fun! lol. Take care.

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  14. The Bread Biatch. Sounds like the Pillsbury Doughboy's girlfriend.

    Anyway, JB, it's me Chris from the blog that sounded like a Jimmy Buffett song. I've moved to a new site, so come on by. The URL is:

    chris-knucklehead.blogspot.com

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  15. Must be awful to deal with, but so funny to read about :)

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  16. damn you're funny! but i can imagine people like this all too well. i was listening to a woman complain to a store manager the other day about the couscous salad she bought 5 days ago and was 'off' but which she couldn't return sooner, yet she still expects him to take her word for it and exchange it????

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  17. @Cinner...hahah boxing love it. Hope all is well with you lady...xoxo

    @Chris...good one chris and love the name of your new blog...you knucklehead...xoxo


    @sorrywhat...it is funny your so right. Some people are truly annoying to the max. Thanks for stopping in and leaving a comment.

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  18. @shadow.....hahha you think I'm funny thanks love. I just get so angry sometimes what else is a girl to do but vent...people are so lovely.

    huggs
    jbxoxo

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  19. I'd have to take Valium or sneak a flask of vodka in my purse to put up with those asses.

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  20. @Peach...sounds like a plan. I'll join you with vodka and pills, sounds just about the right stuff for dealing with these people hahaha...your awesome Peach.

    hugggs alot
    jbxox

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  21. THIS IS HOW I FEEL EVERY DAY AS A WAITRESS. i swear i feel your pain! i want to just write letters to all of the people i hate too. you should meet my good friend the, "i hate everything this restaurant has but i am still going to come in here every week, give you a hard time, dis the food, and then make crude names for all of your employees including "Fatass girl" and "Crackhead Guy"." oh he's amazing. <3

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  22. @Kacy..my heart goes out to you love. Been there, done that and screw it I will never do it again. God bless your little soul for putting up with insane customers. I'd love to meet your friend imagine the letters we could write hahahahha.

    love ya
    jbxox

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  23. @born....thanks love. I like being funny with a sprinkle of nutty and a dash of insanity to give me that needed edge. Have a good one and thanks for stopping in.

    huggs
    jbxo

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  24. I love that you end them all with "Peace". Class act all the way. :-)

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  25. @Chrissy...peace lover.... again I have to ask where the hell is my dance. Have a good week-end.

    huggs
    jbxo

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  26. Perhaps you should just beat them to death with one of those long French baguettes.

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  27. LOLLLL U tell it like it is Girl!!

    I was Invited to the Opening of this new spot www.spicesafar.com/ Bakery Cafe Lounge - interesting concept. Lemme know if ya wanna do Coffee or Wine sometime*

    Cheers! Billy ;))

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  28. Wow. I don't know how you have avoided going on a bagel-throwing rampage by now (wait until they get stale; they'll hurt more). Do you do deep breathing or do you just go to a safe, happy place in your head while you work? I guess it helps to have a blog to let the aggression out on.

    Good luck surviving another week.

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  29. @catlady...perhaps but I love to write them letters. I wouldn't waste that good bread on their heads...lolol xo


    @Billy....thanks for the invite love. Yes I will tell it like it is always. xo

    @Staci....bagels sounds like a really good plan. When I do it I'll make sure to tell you all about it. xo

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Thanks so much for taking the time to leave a comment. Check back for my response and/or Eddy's. We love hearing from you! Peace, JB (blog owner) and Eddy ("super great cuz" & frequent guest blogger)

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