Thursday, May 7, 2009

Letters To My Deli Customers - Part 2

Dear 'Allergic To MSG' Customer,

I think you're under the impression that I'm an allergy specialist masquerading as a deli clerk because only you come in every week asking me questions about what you can and can't eat. Is there MSG in Brie? Like I told you before, no, there isn't. What about in Camembert? For the love of God, lady, no! But, I can't eat Parmesan. Yeah, I know, you told me 50 times. So, there's no MSG in Brie or Camembert? NOOOOOO, damn, it, NO!!! I mean, exactly where do you think we get our Brie & Camembert from, The Golden Dragon Restaurant down the street?? Please, lady, do me a favour and educate yourself about food, so you can stop being such a pain in my a**, OK? Or, better yet, JUST STAY THE H*LL AWAY FROM ME!!

Thanks,
JB

Dear 'Metric Conversion Challenged' Customer,

Why can't you get it through your damn head that 100 grams and 1 pound do not weigh the same thing? Seriously, every bloody time you come in I have to tell you. Are you that freakin' dense? For the love of God, pal, use Google to get a clue, or ask someone smarter than you to explain the difference in itty bitty baby steps until it's permanently seared into your memory. Then, as I told 'Numerically Challenged' customer, DO THE F**KING MATH BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE, PLEASE!!!

Thanks,
JB

Dear 'Never Know What You Want' Customer,

Why the h*ll can't you make a grocery list before you leave the house? If you don’t know what you want when your turn comes up at the counter, please let the next person go ahead of you, instead of hemming and hawing about how you don't know what to get your kids, or your husband, or whether you want salami or chicken, or blah, blah, blah. CAN'T YOU SEE THAT YOU'RE HOLDING UP THE LINE AND PEOPLE ARE GETTING MAD???!!! Do you have any idea what it's like after you leave and I have to deal with those people that you pissed off? Believe me, it’s not pretty. So, either you start figuring out what you want before you show up, or STAY HOME!!!!!!!

Thanks,
JB

36 comments:

  1. Hahahaha, Im a sucker for Delis but I can never choose. But Im not the one who holds up the line. Lol I move to the side and blend in until Im ready to order.


    Love these!

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  2. Something happens when we go into a deli. I think the brain freezes up. Maybe the sight of all those nice cheeses and meats waiting for us that we didn't anticipate.
    Anyone who thinks pounds is a measure of weight is obviously challenged - another word for American. Great post.

    ExpatFromHell

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  3. I think if you stop serving "crazy" customers you'll get bored at work.

    These experiences are hilarious and I'm still laughing at the part 1. It was priceless

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  4. Heh, heh, heh...humans, don't ya just love em!

    Hate to be behind a hemmer and hawer.

    Peace - Rene

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  5. hahaha..:D I am gonna start writing about my experiences !!!
    but when I actually get home I forget!!
    oh well....

    How have you been JB?:)

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  6. Wait, 100 grams isn't a pound? Then why are they called "grams", huh, Miss Smarty Sandwich?

    Yep, working with the public is a hoot.

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  7. HOLY FUCK i worked in grocery store delis for like five years and yeah
    i know every one of those people

    the last deli i worked in was a super snooty one in a specialty grocery store

    "is that chicken free-range?"
    "i need a wheat-free, gluten-free, sugar-free low-fat cookie" (WE HAD THEM! TWO KINDS!)
    but yeah, talk about getting unsolicited body issue info. yikes

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  8. Everyone knows there's TEN grams in a pound, right? It always surprises me how some people have so much trouble making up their minds about stupid stuff, so much more fun and less time consuming to be arbitrary about everything.

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  9. Oh the perils of working in the food service industry.

    The, "100 grams and 1 pound do not weigh the same thing?" comment is pure gold hehe.

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  10. @Miss Stef...I know everyone loves the deli but like you did, just move over if your not sure and let someone else order...but then again thats hit and miss. Hope your having a good week.

    Huggs
    JB

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  11. @Expat....whatever happens when you hit the deli counter I want it to stop now. Thanks for the comment.

    Huggs
    JB

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  12. @Lazy...yeah I would get bored your right but sometimes it's nuts what people ask me...hahaha. Hope your having a good week.

    Huggs
    JB

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  13. @Rene....humans they're such a great bunch when it comes to buying deli meats and everyone hates to be behind the hemmers and the hawers for sure.

    Huggs
    JB

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  14. @Indi...hey welcome back..... What's up lady!!!! You should bring a journal to work and write things down for when you go home or not....sometimes I just want to forget but I guess I can't. I hope your having a good week....please get in touch with me when you have time ok....miss you.

    Lots of Love
    JB

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  15. @Chris....yupppp the public a hoot not so much...when your feeling PMS hahahaha and very very tried....I'm a treat.

    Huggs
    JB

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  16. Oh the wonders of customer service! Lol love your letters.

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  17. So that's what the deli lady is thinking while I stand at the counter picking my nose.

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  18. I'm never indecisive when it comes to food, only super greedy and always ask for/order WAY more than I need..... Add JB behind the counter and I could be there all day. ;o)

    xxxxxx

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  19. OMG, I've been in line behind every one of these people! AUGH!

    Hilarious...can't wait to read more...

    :-D Anna

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  20. @miss chief......god bless your wicked soul that you lasted 5 years. Thanks for coming by and leaving a comment.

    Huggs
    JB

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  21. @JP.. numerically challenged customers are everywhere and you know what else they should have went to summer school like I did for 2 summers b/c I failed math GOD DAMM IT!!!!!

    Love Ya
    JB

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  22. @Prometheus......yes the perils of working with the public and metric conversions hahahaha. Well at least I won't be running out of stories anytime soon.

    Huggs
    JB

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  23. @libertine...thanks but sometimes I tell you it's nuts.

    Huggs
    JB

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  24. @C. Andres....actually that's just the half of it. I'm trying to keep my blog at a G rating for all you kids....hahahah. Thanks for dropping in.

    Huggs
    JB

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  25. Anna...I'm sure your easy peasy to please my little deli monster of grand proportions. Better more then not enough. Hope you have a great week-end and by the way Happy Mother’s Day, love…….take very good care.

    Love and Huggs
    JBxoxoxox

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  26. @Anna L....hahahaha so you know how it feels to be in that line, I feel sorry for you hahahahah.

    I hope things are well for you and your family. Thank-you for taking the time to stop in and comment.

    Huggs
    JB

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  27. Absolutely hilarious! i worked in the service industry for 25 years and remember it well! They will never cease to amaze you! The one that always got me when they just arrive as your closing the door and they assume no you could not possibly have a life....you just exist to make them happy...Thanks for the post, it is great. I am new to your blog. love, love your honesty. Take Care, cinner

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  28. Haha, this is soooooooooooo funny : )

    But I suspect that, like most things, it's so funny to me because I don't live it. I'd probably throw deli meat (or parmesan) at some of those people. Not really, of course, but ... wow : )

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  29. @Cinner...welcome to my humble little blog and thanks for the comment. Yes the service business is an ugly little world...loololol. I hope to see you again.

    Huggs
    JB

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  30. Klo.....yeah funny most of the time and truly annoying the rest of the time. I guess I'm not going to run out of things to blog about with the mass of idiots running a muck in the world.

    Huggs
    JB

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  31. How 'bout you install a weight unit converter on the counter and every time someone asks you "How much is 200g in ounces?" you tell them:

    "Please, use this clever device to discover how much you are actually ordering. It's only $4,99 per conversion".

    P/S If you do and it works I would appreciate 10% of the income as royalties fee for the idea. Throw in 450g of mock chicken and we can make it 7% :)

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  32. @Jerry....you drive a hard bargain but I think we can work something out....mmmm maybe but no mock chicken in this deal. Hope your doing good rock star.

    Love you
    JB

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  33. i think you have served me at the deli .....now thats a little embarassing lol!!! Now what would you hav eto blog about without idiots like me...Hope you are well and enjoying warmer weather.

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  34. @Lilly...thanks for stopping in and happy mother's day lovely lady. I hope all is well with you. Yes, the warmer weather is much better for sure.

    Love
    JB

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  35. Your last rant paragraph was the best! I am so rude... I will say my order if a person says that they are thinking. They always turn to give me a mean stare. I tell them to go ahead - are you ready and smile back!!!!! Just F-ing order!!!

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  36. @40.....hahahahah that's so funny hey have a great f**king mothers day lady and enjoy yourself.

    Huggs
    JB

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Thanks so much for taking the time to leave a comment. Check back for my response and/or Eddy's. We love hearing from you! Peace, JB (blog owner) and Eddy ("super great cuz" & frequent guest blogger)

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