Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Letters To My Deli Customers

Remember when I wrote Letters To My Customers and Letters To My Customers - Part 2 because my restaurant clientele was driving me bonkers during Christmas time last year? Well, now some of my deli regulars are getting on my nerves, so I think it's time for my first installment of Letters To My Deli Customers.

Dear 'Numerically Challenged' Customer,

I'm so sick of you not knowing how much meat you want every time I have to serve you. If you come to the counter and ask for ham, your answer to my question "How much would you like?" should be something like 12 slices or 500 grams, not 'I don't know' or 'Well, how much do I need for 6 sandwiches?' or anything else that requires me to figure out your sh*t for you. Seriously, how the h*ll should I know how much you need for 6 sandwiches? Some people like a lot of meat, some people like only a couple of slices. So, think about how you like your sandwiches, and then DO THE F**KING MATH BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE!!!

Thanks,
JB

Dear 'Dieting' Customer,

You really need to stop telling me that you're on a diet every time you come in because, honestly, I don't care. I mean, WTF are you doing in a deli in the first place? Do you think we have diet deli meat or something? Well, news flash, lady, we don't. So, if you have any intention of sticking to your diet, set your sights on the produce section of your grocery store & STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY COUNTER!!

Thanks,
JB

Dear 'Time Challenged' Customer,

When you approach the counter and I say that I'll be right with you, I mean I'll be right with you. In other words, unless I’m done serving the person ahead of you, I'm not going to take your order, OK? So, stop giving me dirty looks, rolling your eyes, sighing loudly, flaring your nostrils, and doing whatever else you think will make me drop what I’m doing to focus on you because you're in a rush. Last time I checked, I'm not your deli b*tch, nor is it my f**king problem that you can't manage your time properly. Either find a way to get your a** to the deli when you don't have somewhere else you have to be, or DON'T BOTHER COMING AT ALL!!

Thanks,
JB

45 comments:

  1. hahahaha

    my mood just got a whole lot better
    thanks for the uplift jb :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. @Miss Stefanie....as I love you coming by so that I can make you laugh. You keep smiling beautiful lady.

    Huggs
    JB

    ReplyDelete
  3. @katieleigh my fave aussi....what's up little kangaroo? I'm happy I lifted your mood. You now you can always count on me, to make you giggle like a school girl...lolol.

    Love and huggs
    Jbxo

    ReplyDelete
  4. Brilliant. Can I come to work with you one day? Because getting fired won't be an issue for me, I can verbalise all this for you. You'll like it - your own feisty little side-kick Swedish meatball.

    Mwah.

    Anna

    ReplyDelete
  5. oh, to be able to utter these words.... you're hilarious!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi. I love you.

    You are just awesome.

    That is all.

    I'm so glad we're friends.

    Even if it's just over the internet.

    .... I totally wish I were living in Montreal right now.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I have had the MEANEST customers in the last two days! I don't know what's in the air! Last night a customer called me a "flunky" because I wouldn't break corporate policy for a mistake SHE made! I responded with "that may be mame but I'm content with MY life" to which she stormed out yelling "flunky" two more times. The other customers were amused.

    ReplyDelete
  8. And I suspect you are EVEN less likely to serve them promptly if they stand their flaring nostrils! hahah. you know, guilty as charged here--Ive done that very thing where i don't know how much i want or change my mind after I see how much meat I get with a quarter pound or what have you. Ugh. TY for wisening up to think this through more clearly. Smack me.!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Great letters, jb. Working with the public is backbreaking, mind bending work.

    ReplyDelete
  10. hahahaha so funny.
    I hope they will read these.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ok that blender video terrifies me! That girl is so freaky hahaha.

    ReplyDelete
  12. OMG!
    I.Just.Love you!
    You just made me laugh like I haven't in days...
    Thanks for the uplift hun!

    love,

    ReplyDelete
  13. 'i'm not your deli bitch'

    You MUST get a tee shirt that says that.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I came back to read them again, loool

    ReplyDelete
  15. People in the customer service industry never get enough credit. Stay strong JB and don't hurt anybody, even if they deserve it.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I'm amazed that you haven't just lost it one day and said those things directly. I think that I would after awhile. It's why I haven't applied for a job in the service industry yet, even though I'm desperate for a job.

    ReplyDelete
  17. @Amanda...giggle all you want but these people make me nuts.

    Huggs
    JB

    ReplyDelete
  18. @Anna...I would pay you to come to canada and stand beside me. We can both get fired at the same time and tell then to go to hell in swedish.....lololol. Name the time and day I'll get you a uniform.

    Huggs
    JB

    ReplyDelete
  19. @Shadow.....I may have actually uttered some of this under my breath a few times...maybe even more then that...crazy customers.

    Huggs
    JB

    ReplyDelete
  20. @cheryl.... I love you too...now we got to get the kids to love you.
    You are also so freaking awesome and funny. I'm glad we're friends,
    even if it's just over this crazy internet world.

    If you ever get back to montreal you and me baby we are going to go hit the town I promise you.

    Huggs Alot
    JB

    ReplyDelete
  21. @Delizcious...are you sure you want a sandwich and not a cherry coke with a mullet...hahhahaha.

    Huggs
    JB

    ReplyDelete
  22. @NoBs.....good for you. If someone can't hold they're own then they should be told. I told one of the managers oneday...Hey I'm getting paid to do my job and not his job, if you want me to do his job double my pay and fire his ass...the manager gave me this look like Mmmmm...maybe she's right. You did good by telling her off and sticking to your guns.

    Huggs
    JB

    ReplyDelete
  23. @Mmmmm.....it's ok you can go redeem youself the next time you go to the deli. When they do that to me I still serve them with a smile and a bit of attidude but always pleasant.

    Huggs
    JB

    ReplyDelete
  24. @Gran...minding bending and body breaking to say the least....it's not fun when people think that all service clerks are they're biatch's....god dammmmm..it.

    Huggs
    JB

    ReplyDelete
  25. @Lazy...I know it is kinda super funny. I think I'm going to start asking for home address's to mail people these letters....lol.

    Huggs
    JB

    ReplyDelete
  26. @lindsay...freaky yes sir....and scary at the same time. Happy you dropped by and I was able help you out.

    Huggs
    JB

    ReplyDelete
  27. @izzie....happy I can make you laugh. Love you too...sweet izzie.

    Huggs
    JB

    ReplyDelete
  28. @Maggie May....thanks for dropping by and I'm happy I can make you laugh.

    I'm not your deli bitch' getting the T-shirt made and I'm going to wear it under my uniform and when someone pisses me off I'm going to pull a superman on them and rip my shirt off and throw my chest out and say READ THIS ...I'M NOT YOUR DELI BITCH....

    Huggs
    JB

    ReplyDelete
  29. @Lazy..hahhaha your so funny.

    Huggs
    JB

    ReplyDelete
  30. LLnL...you know it. I will stay strong but oneday I will throw a ham at someone and say sorry it slipped out my hands and hit you in the face Biatch.......

    Huggs
    JB

    ReplyDelete
  31. @stacie....trust me I have lost it but in a well mannered way. I use my witt and child like play with some of these idiots and it works like magic. Thanks for dropping by.

    Huggs
    JB

    ReplyDelete
  32. Haha! Numerically challenged customer needs to get a grip on reality.

    In the electronics business, we get 'thinks they are being funny, but heard it all before' customers.

    'Can I have a lightbulb?'
    'Of course, what are you after.'
    'One that works. HURR HURR.

    'Can I have a DVD player?'
    'Of course, what are you after.'
    'One that works. HURR HURR.

    *facepalm*

    Keep up the good work, hungry electronics shop workers appreciate what you put up with.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Just ONCE I would love to say things like this out loud.

    You took the words right out of my mouth!

    ReplyDelete
  34. You never cease to amaze me or crack me up with your deli stories. I always know where to go if I need a good laugh. hee!

    Hope you're having a good weekend!

    ReplyDelete
  35. @Rachel....god I hate retail sales of any kind. Deli meats are the down fall of society...I swear.
    Thanks for the visit, I hope you come by again.

    Huggs
    JB

    ReplyDelete
  36. @Chrissy.....anytime you need me to write a letter to someone you hate please let me know.

    Huggs
    Jb

    ReplyDelete
  37. @Paris...just call me old faithful when it comes to ripping some of my customes a new one. I think I'm going to start a mailing list so that I can send some of these letters out to the right people...what do you think Paris..lolol. I'm happy I can make you laugh. You have a great week-end too.

    Huggs
    Jbxo

    ReplyDelete
  38. BTW, JB, thanks to you, last time I was at teh deli, I wised up and order exactly the right amount of meat..and, as always, with the utmost politeness. (hee--I probably stunned the deli counter person!) LOL.

    ReplyDelete
  39. Lolzz. JB, I would love to be a customer at your deli store and see what letter you can write for me. It'll take me hours to figure out what to buy because I don't write a list before going shopping.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Love it ! Love it Love it, thanks for the laugh!

    ReplyDelete
  41. So freaking funny! I wonder what would happen if the customers came across these posts.

    ReplyDelete


Thanks so much for taking the time to leave a comment. Check back for my response and/or Eddy's. We love hearing from you! Peace, JB (blog owner) and Eddy ("super great cuz" & frequent guest blogger)

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...