Thursday, February 26, 2009

It's Done

If you've been following my blog for a while now, then you know all about my Ex and how I've been dealing since we split. You also know that I tried to cut ties with her completely last Fall, but it didn't last very long. Well, since then I'd been trying to bring myself to do it again and, thanks to Eddy, my new friend Indy, and the sheer power that I somehow managed to find inside myself, I finally did. It all went down while I was in the middle of working on a new blog post. There I was typing away, when up pops this online message from my Ex:

Sorry I didn't call you back yesterday, but I couldn't deal with you. I'm sorry. I'm too weak. I can't deal when you’re feeling down or sick.

I don’t know what happened to me, but those words pushed me right over the edge. I typed back to call me right away because I needed to tell her something, but she told me to tell her while we were online.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Is she f**king kidding me? It took all that I had not to throw the computer screen across the room.

I typed back that she’d better call me, otherwise I was going to get in my car and drive over there. Well, she obviously didn't want me to present myself at her door because the phone started to ring. I picked up and spoke before she even had a chance.

Me: You are the most selfish, inconsiderate, cruel excuse for a person. I will not let you treat me like this ever again. Today is the last day. I've let you victimize me, but not any longer. Weak… this is your f**king excuse, weak? I have had it with your excuses. I will take this no more. No more, that's it!!!!!!!

My Ex: That's not true. I just can't deal with you when you’re feeling bad. I'm not the person you should be talking to. I don't know how to deal with you. I did this to you. It's all because of me you feel this bad. I'm a bad person.

Me: So much for this friendship that's so important to you. Or, is it me that finds all this important? All you do is abandon me like you always have. How can you look at yourself in the mirror, you lying sack of sh*t? And him (i.e. HWSNBN), remember how he lied to the both of us, but you believed him? You believed he was protecting you from what I still don't get it. Oh, yeah, from you being close to me, that’s what.

My Ex: No, that's not true. I believed you. It was me, all me.

Me: Remember when I told you that he told me he’d listen to your conversations with your sister? Well, one night he told me, "JB, she's been telling her sister that she wishes you'd disappear out of her life… that she never wants to talk to you or be your friend." Was he lying or telling the truth? So many lies... it's all lies. You're still lying to me, but worse to yourself. You make me sick. You both make me sick. This is how you treat people? This is what I deserve?

My Ex: JB, please you don't understand.

Me: Protect the liar. Make excuses for your liar and yourself. It's easier for you to look in the mirror, to go through life living on your foundation of lies.

My Ex: Please, JB, I am the one who did all this. I did it.

Me: How do the both of you sleep at night after all that you've done to me? How do you look your liar in the eyes knowing how he got you to f**k him thanks to me filling his mind full of things about you? Remember when he touches you in that place that it's not him, it's me. It's me because without me he wouldn't have gotten into your bed, you lying b*tch. Enjoy yourselves because when the clouds clear from your murky head, reality will set in and then we'll see. Look in the mirror, look deep. It's me staring back at you from this point on. He knows you because he needed to betray me to get you into bed. Remember his lies and all your lies because this is the foundation that you have based your new life on.

My Ex: You don't understand me. You deserve more... better. You're so much better then I will ever be. I'm sorry.

Me: Yes I do. I understand what needs to be done and you’re not sorry, not one bit. You won't know what sorry is until you start to feel the pain you should have felt a long time back when you were getting rid of me from your life, and then you suddenly changed your mind & needed to have me in your life. You changed your mind like you can just go in and out... being friends one day, but then you’re out when it gets too hard for you. It's always about you and what you want, but today it's about me and what I need.

My Ex: JB, stop being like this. Please, you’re not feeling well. Your head… Please don't get upset. I don't want anything to happen to you

Me: Spare me your fake emotions. Save them for someone who actually cares.

My Ex: Please, don't you know how much I care? I'm being honest.

Me: Honest? Don’t use that word like you know what means. You’re still lying to me, but this is it. I don't ever want to see your f**king face or hear your f**king voice again. Never call me, e-mail me, or contact me in any way. Stay out of my life. You have killed me and killed the idea of love for me. I hate you so much. I hope that you spend the next part of your life suffering like you have made me suffer, you evil b*tch. I hate you both with all that I have and I hope that you and the little boy you’re f**king burn in hell.

My Ex: You don't mean this.

Me: Yes I mean every word!!!!!!! Leave me alone!!!!!! Never call me!!!! F**k you!!!!!!! You betrayed me, but most of all you betrayed the one thing that I held most dear, our friendship, you stupid childish girl!!!!! Get out of my life!!!!!

My Ex: Please, stop it. Please, don't do this. I will call you later. I will talk to you when you’re not mad.

Me: Are you f**king deaf? Don't call me ever, ever, ever! Are you not f**king listening to me? I will not be the victim in this mess you made me a part of. I am reclaiming my life without you in it. Get out of my life and stay out. I never want to see you again. That's it. Leave me alone. You have played your last games with my feelings. I will never let you treat me like an outsider, second class citizen, or a victim. I deserve better than this and you can't respect me, you evil b*tch!!!

Click.

There, I hung up and it was done. Well, almost. I picked the phone back up and called my cell provider in order to have her numbers blocked. I did the same for my home phone. Then, I called her parents, explained the situation, and said my goodbyes to them. Next, I deleted all of her e-mail addresses and her family’s information too.

As I sat there staring at my computer screen, I suddenly felt sick to my stomach and went straight to the bathroom to throw up. Somehow, it was as though my body was saying: there, now it’s done.

JB

43 comments:

  1. Trust me, you will feel free. Like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

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  2. Wow, that's powerful.

    I do hope that one day you can find a place where you're able to let the anger go. Its not easy and not something that can happen in a hurry.

    So do take it easy on yourself. And know you've taken a brave step forward, cutting something toxic out of your life.

    And make sure you spend time with friends, instead of sitting alone. You need that right now, even if you don't feel like it. xo

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  3. So incredibly proud of you JB!!!!!


    Ahhh I wanna hug you so bad right now.

    You did the RIGHT thing and you should NEVER question that. This is hard now because its right but you will feel SO FREE from it soon enough.


    here if you need me

    xoxo Amanda Grace

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  4. My dear, so many changes in your life this year so far. Hard changes, physically and emotionally hard.

    Give yourself time to adjust.

    Give yourself credit for being stronger than you ever thought you were.

    Peace - Rene

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  5. I can explain everything!

    Oh, sorry, that was just reflex. Sounds like they make a good couple to me and deserve each other and the drama they will create to keep each other entertained.

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  6. OH my god!!!
    I am soooo happy!!!!
    Congratulations!!!
    I swear you will be great.. you will be fine...
    this is the best thing that you could do for yourself!! :)
    Congrats.
    talk to you soon!!

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  7. You did the right thing. It may be hard to deal with now, but you will feel so much better that it happened.

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  8. Good for you.

    Now move on.

    And you will.


    Peace,
    A

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  9. OMG! I'm so happy for yoooouuuu!! Your so awesome. I know that must have taken a shit loud of courage and strength! Big hugs for yoouuu!!!!!! :D

    <333
    -Gina

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  10. wow, that was confrontational.
    don't know the details from earlier posts but good luck! very good step..

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  11. Good for you!
    What kind of a person wants to be your friend but doesn't want to know when you're sad or sick? Isn't that what friends are for?
    And you did the right thing. From my experience you have to completely cut someone out of your life before you can even start to get over them.
    Don't give up and let her back in your life, because then you'll be back to square one.
    Keep your mind occupied so you're not sitting around thinking about her, then you'll be less likely to call her.
    Find someone new who won't treat you like shit. Or be alone for a while. Whatever feels right and makes you happy.

    PS. Well done :)

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  12. @Stef....huggss to you too. I know you've been through alot. We all need to stay strong. Thanks for the words.

    Huggs
    JB

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  13. pheww.....finally jb....good work.....n now stick to your words....cuz u know u deserve someone much better....that girl doesn't deserve even a bit of you....and you did the right thing by panning her once and for all....her attitude shows that she still wasn't serious about you..the way she didn't want you to call her up and talk through messages...it's clear that she doesn't and never could love you the way you loved her...and she isn't feeling guilty about the whole thing too.....you're much better off without her babe...congratulations! i wish u all the happiness in the world...!

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  14. @svasti....thank-you and your right...I was poisoning myself and I'm the only one who could have stopped this so I did. This is going t be hard but it was the only choice for myself. She is toxic to me and to herself....I don't want to be that person any longer. Thank-you for the kind words.

    Huggs
    JBxo

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  15. @nick.....yes I will Nick....yes I will. Thanks your words have been heard.

    Huggs
    JB

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  16. @amanda grace....you truly are a soul saver. We need to do what's right in life. She wasn't nice to me at all. I let this dictate my life. I let this toxic,poisonus mess take control over me. WEll!!!! I've reclaimed what's mine and now I'm going to try to move forward slowly but surely.

    As you offer me a shoulder to lean on... I am here for you also. Thank-you Amanda Grace your a beautiful soul.....

    Huggs
    JBxoxoxo

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  17. @Rene....your words mean alot to me. I know that I'm strong but this is still hard for me. When you love someone unconditionally and with your heart, it's a daunting task to forget them. Love so short, foregetting so long. Rene thank-you very much.

    Huggs
    JBxo

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  18. @JP......thanks... your the man. Your right they're better off together then loose on the street to hurt other people like they hurt me. The mess they created will be what will define them in the end. I wish them luck in they're fictional bedtime story.

    Huggs
    JBxo

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  19. @Indi......thanks... Indi, I love you. You knew this was going to happen and it did. I finally did the right thing for me. I hope canada is treating you good. Talk to you tonight.

    Huggs
    JBxoxo

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  20. @delizcious...thanks I know I did the right thing but man it hurts something large. I spent 14 years with this poisonus,toxic bag of crap for what, to be made into freaking fool. Well, I will not be a victim to her lies any longer. Thanks, for the words they help more then you can imagine.

    Huggs
    JB

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  21. @Alana.......yes I will thanks. It will be a long haul but it's a short trip. Change is good and I don't fear it at all. They words help and thanks.

    Huggs
    JBxoxox

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  22. @taxi julie...thanks for the hugggggs I could use as many as I can get my hands on these days. Thanks for reading and following it's great to see.

    Huggs
    JBxo

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  23. @gina...shit loads of courage and alot of pain. Huggggss to you and thanks for your support. You stay strong and be happy with Lucas cherish your time and love no matter what.....even threw the tough times, love has a way of making things seem right.

    Huggs
    JBxoxox

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  24. @floreta...I invite you to read my earlier posts if you'd like. I don't like to be confrontational but that's what presented itself to me and so I told her the truth something she seems to have lost.

    Truth was never an issue for her but oneday she just started to lie and never stopped. Till the moment I hung up that phone she riddled me with lies. All this she has done is and will always be based on her lies. So I say good luck to her and her land fill of toxic waste and good riddance. Floreta, this is where I get off because this roller coaster ride has cost me more then I could ever have imagined.

    Huggs
    JBxoxo

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  25. @nic....a freind who dosen't care about you but only cares about herself. She wanted her cake and her pie so she could sleep better at night.

    For her, the motives where selfishness,guilt,feeling better about herself but the guilt is what will kill her in the end. The guilt willbring her house of cards tumbling oneday when she least expects it. She played the part, so that she could feel better about herself, that's it.

    Well, now she can feel better alone, with her her lies and her child friend, who needed pointers from me because well having one girfriend is just not going to do it when you you just aquired a messed up/bi/not so straight/lesbain!!!!and my Ex from 14 years wowowow Nic...he's got himself a real winner or she's got herself a real looser. Which ever way you throw this around they're off the street and can't hurt anyone else but themselves but a what a price? Just so you know the I've known the ex 17 years so it wasn't just a a small love affair. I hope that this was worth for it for her inthe end....we will see in time.


    Huggs
    JBxoxox

    Thanks for the support...it's really nice.

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  26. that's sound like the final goodbye. love and hugs and look after yourself!

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  27. @Shadow.....thanks I shall do my best to push forward. Yes final good-bye for sure. I never want to here that womens voice again or see her ever again. She is dead to me forever.

    Love & Huggs
    JBxo

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  28. sometimes you just gotta delete everything all at once on impulse so even when you regret it later- its for the better.

    ALSO- thanks for the blog of the week kudos on your blog.

    -SFBF

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  29. Hey...I am recently single...and Miss Stefanie is right...it is a HUGE burden off your shoulders to be able to walk away from someone who is cruel and heartless to you. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

    Take care of you. When you least expect, the right person will come along and love you like you would NOT believe.

    **hugs**

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  30. Sweetie... I've seen this has been a closing week for you...
    As much as closure make us suffer... it is a good thing! And I know that you're strong, that you are a amazing, wonderful woman and you will turn this into an extraordinary thing... a turning point.
    I feel like celabrating with you... like having a glass, dancing all night... lendidng you my shoulder to cry or just to sigh.
    Girl, I do love you, trust you and honour our friendship and I AM here...
    Let's smile together as a new day dawns!

    Love,

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  31. Hugs to you, jb, and a job well done! I know it hurts so bad, but you will get through it.

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  32. pheww.....finally jb....good work.....n now stick to your words....cuz u know u deserve someone much better....that girl doesn't deserve even a bit of you....and you did the right thing by panning her once and for all....her attitude shows that she still wasn't serious about you..the way she didn't want you to call her up and talk through messages...it's clear that she doesn't and never could love you the way you loved her...and she isn't feeling guilty about the whole thing too.....you're much better off without her babe...congratulations! i wish u all the happiness in the world...!

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  33. Um, I love you.
    She sucks.
    I'm glad you told her off!!

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  34. Oh I'm really sorry you had to go through this... I can imagine how painful it was... I only hope that now that you had a closure you feel better and started healing process... best of luck... Polly x

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  35. Poor baby...hug?

    Svasti's right...let the anger go... it takes time but do it...it's worth it...

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  36. I popped over here from Braja's place. Man, that was powerful stuff!

    I am impressed with your fearlessness.

    I'll be back!

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  37. Wow, this is so real, so raw and powerful. I can fill the rage and the finality at the end. Its good you left this behind. staying is such hatred will destroy you more in the end than anything else. picking up and leaving will help you to reclaim your life and bring healing. I am so sorry to read all this but its real, and you re being honest with yourself. One day too you wil now you have moved on entirely when you no longer even have mush emotion well up when you think of her. I hope this relationship has grown you in knowing what to get.

    Be strong, look up. Love is there. Hoping for the best for you, JB. And, btw, I wanted to say how impressed i was with your sincere comment to Paris.

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  38. That's my girl. One day, I want to make you proud, JB, when I finally let go of all these emotionally incapable men. This was difficult to read through especially because she was trying to reverse-psychologize (that's not a word,lol) into believing she does truly care. Move on, baby. She was right, though. You deserve someone better than her.

    I love you.

    Trinity

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  39. Bravo! like she said "you deserve more"

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  40. OMG. If I was there, I'd give you the tightest hug. It's going to get better now...

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Thanks so much for taking the time to leave a comment. Check back for my response and/or Eddy's. We love hearing from you! Peace, JB (blog owner) and Eddy ("super great cuz" & frequent guest blogger)

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