Letters To My Customers - Part 2

Dear 'Why Aren't You Open New Year's Day?' Customer,

You know, I thought I really hated 'Are You Open Christmas Day' customer, but I think I just might hate you more. Like I told that guy, STOP CALLING US EVERY F-ING YEAR & ASKING THE SAME F-ING QUESTION! We have never, and will never, open New Year's Day, and we don't give two sh*ts that you think it's 'bad for business' for us to be closed. Trust me, we'd rather lose one day's business than have to put up with you & your hung-over friends.

Cheers,
JB

Dear 'Hugo Boss Perfume Wearing' Customer,

I must say, you have great taste in perfume, but is it necessary to drop the whole bottle on yourself? I mean, it's nice that you smell good, but where is your limit, man? Even way back in the kitchen, your scent is beyond intoxicating, and that's incredibly dangerous for those of us handling sharp objects. Seriously, I could accidentally cut myself while chopping vegetables, and I don't think that you'd appreciate my fingers in your salad. So, let me assure you that a quick spray or little dab behind the neck is more than enough perfume to attract attention. Lastly, I beg you to never hug me hello or goodbye ever again because I find it truly unpleasant having to smell like you for a good week afterwards.

Peace,
JB

Dear 'Allergic to Garlic' Customer,

Of all the possible kinds of restaurants that you could have gone to for dinner, why did you choose an Italian restaurant? Surely, you must be aware that we lace everything with garlic. I mean, exactly how do you expect us to serve you a meal without our food making you go into anaphylactic shock? Seriously, please do me and all other Italian restaurant owners a favour & go elsewhere the next time you decide to go out for dinner.

Best Wishes,
JB

Dear 'This Isn't Spicy Enough' Customer,

Could it be that a whole bottle of Tabasco sauce, six jalapeño peppers, and a handful of chilies in your pasta dish the last time you were in for dinner were enough to finally shut you up once and for all? Well, I certainly hope so because we were choking on the fumes in the kitchen for a good 20 minutes afterwards, so actually ingesting that fiery meal must have surely done away with your internal organs. In fact, I bet that's why we haven't heard from you since that night. You must still be on the toilet sh*ting your insides out.

Happy New Year,
JB

Double Duty

In the comments section of my Once Upon A Night In The 80's post, I mentioned that I haven't been able to blog as often as I would like because work's been super busy. What I didn't tell you is that things are extra hectic because I've been doing double duty for just over a month now. You see, back in November, a good friend of mine called begging me to help out at his deli/grocery Monday-Wednesday because he just couldn't seem to find someone who actually wanted to work for a living. He figured that since we don't open for lunch on those three days anymore, I could give him a hand, especially with the holiday season coming up fast. As someone who knows how difficult it is to find hardworking, reliable employees, I really felt for the guy, so I told my friend yes. I can’t get into anymore details right now, but I will have deli related posts coming soon, I promise.

JB

What Holiday Cookie Are You?

You guys won't believe what I found out today. I'm a jam filled cookie! lol

Have some fun & take the quiz yourself by following the link at the end of this post. Don't forget to come back here and leave a comment letting me know which cookie you turned out to be.

JB

You Are a Jam Filled Cookie

You are an idea person. You're always thinking up something new. You're also quite persuasive. People are drawn to you and adopt your beliefs. You are energetic and ambitious. But most of all, you are charming. You are a natural leader, and you are ready to lead! What Holiday Cookie Are You?

Letters To My Customers

'Tis the season, as you all know, which means things at work are a whole lot nuttier than usual, especially when it comes to my customers. Sure, I know it’s a stressful time of year for many, but enough already. Seriously, I’d like to tell them off, but that wouldn't be very professional. Instead, I have composed a few letters to vent my frustration.

Dear 'Mathematically Challenged' Customer,

Thank you for choosing our restaurant as the location for your Christmas party this year, but we are unable to accommodate your group of 88 people. As I have already explained, we only have room for 50 guests maximum, so why do you continue to call & insist that we find a way to seat everyone? I understand that you 'don’t mind if things are a little tight,' but this does not change the fact that we do not have enough tables & chairs for 88 people. In other words, once a little more than half of your guests are comfortably seated in our cozy little establishment, the rest would be left standing outside, and I don’t think that they would appreciate that seeing as it is well below zero degrees this time of year. Yes, I know 'it’s Christmas time,' but we’re chefs, not miracle workers. There is no way that we can 'fit you in' no matter how hard we try. So, either you cut down your guest list to the maximum number that we can accommodate, or you find somewhere else to have your get-together. At this point, I highly recommend the latter.

Peace on Earth,
JB

Dear 'Are You Open Christmas Day?' Customer,

We are flattered that you wish to treat your family & friends to dinner at our restaurant, but we are not, have never been, and will never be, open Christmas Day. As such, I would appreciate it if you would STOP CALLING US EVERY F**KING YEAR & ASKING THE SAME F**KING QUESTION BECAUSE I REALLY HATE YOU, SERIOUSLY!

Cheers,
JB

Dear 'Do You Have A Turkey Special?' Customer,

I'm so glad that you enjoy our holiday specials, but turkey isn't one of them. I realize that it’s hard for you to wrap your turkey obsessed brain around this fact, but it’s not part of Italian tradition to have turkey dinner for Christmas. In fact, my mother has never cooked a turkey in her life & flat out refuses to make one for anyone, including her own family. Therefore, I strongly suggest that you stop calling with the intent of making her change her mind, otherwise I will be forced to hunt you down & remove your giblets.

Happy Holidays,
JB

Fashion Rocks

The other night I got a chance to watch Fashion Rocks (it was being repeated), an award show that incorporates fashion, music, and art – three of my fave things. The performers actually sing on this show, unlike the AMAs (lip synching anyone?). One thing that stuck out for me was Beyonce performing At Last – made famous by the amazing Etta James, who was actually sitting in the audience. There aren't too many of the great Jazz legends alive, so I was really moved to hear Beyonce do the song justice, and I look forward to seeing her play Etta James in the movie Cadillac Records. I’ll probably end up buying the soundtrack (I love soundtracks) as well.

My second fave performance of the evening was Fergie singing the Blondie hit Call Me with Debbie Harry. I actually can’t stand Fergie, but Debbie Harry I love, and she totally made that whole performance for me. Back in the 80’s (before that night I just told all of you about), I actually got a chance to see Blondie live in a small bar type venue, and I was able to get my copy of Parallel Lines, their most famous album (yes, as in vinyl... it was a picture disc album), autographed by Debbie Harry, which is still so totally freakin' cool to me even now. :)

Another performance that I really enjoyed was Kid Rock, and Lynyrd Skynyrd singing Sweet Home Alabama. Kid Rock also sang with R&B/Soul singer Mary J Blige (love her), and watching those two rock it out goes to show that, just like with fashion, there are no boundaries. I mean, just like we can piece together different styles of clothing to create new looks, we can mix up different music genres to create new sounds. It makes sense then to put together an award show that combines these forms of expression, don’t you think?

Anyway, I really enjoyed the show. Did any of you see it?

JB

Once Upon A Night In The 80's

In the late 80’s, about a week after my grandmother died, I was pretty much on the way to a nervous breakdown, so I went on a drug binge (I was young, forgive my stupidity), determined to make it all go away. Why am I telling all of you this? Well, I was talking to Eddy the other night about these dreams that she’s been having about her dad (that’s my Uncle who just passed), and something that Eddy said made me flashback to that week. I couldn't recall all the details, however, (no big surprise, considering the condition I was in), so I asked my sister if she remembered anything. Thankfully, her memory is much better than mine, and she helped me piece things together. In order for this story to make any sense, though, I need to back up even further into my past, so here goes…

When I was a child, an Aunt of mine who was very dear to me passed away. She’d been ill for quite some time and there was nothing more the doctors could do for her. Saying goodbye to her broke my heart, but we had to let her go. Not long after death, I started seeing her all the time in the middle of the night. (No, I was not on drugs at the time.) She would appear seated at the end of my bed & she’d talk to me, only I could never hear what she was saying. I just saw her lips moving, and somehow I could read them. She would tell me to be good, to stay close to my sister, and that she would be there for me if ever I lost my way.

OK, fast forward a good ten years to the week after my grandmother died. Basically, I had this death wish. Nothing made sense. No one could reach me or reason with me. I was in total darkness & wanted out of the world, literally. So, on a cold (and I mean super cold) winter's night, I ingested two full hits of acid, then took off to get super trashed with my sister at one of the nightclubs we used to go to. While I was there trippin' the light fantastic, I happened to glance up at this very long staircase that led to the second floor and had myself one heck of a vision. Floating down the stairs in my direction was my Aunt surrounded by the most amazing white glow. I knew I was high & all, but holy sh*t!!!! I started squeezing my sister’s hand and screaming…

Me: She’s coming!! She’s coming!!!!!

Sister: Who?

Me: Zia (which means Aunt in Italian) is coming!!!

Sister: WHAT?

Me: Look, now she’s right beside me!!

Sister: OMG, JB, snap out of it. You’re just high. Stop hallucinating.

Me: No! Look, she is right here! Can’t you see her?

Of course, all my sister could see was me pointing at nothing & acting like a crazy person, which means she definitely didn't see my Aunt reach out & grab my hand.

Sister: JB, it’s the f**king drugs. No one’s there.

It might have looked like I was staring wide eyed into thin air to her, but what she didn't know was that my Aunt had not only grabbed my hand, but she had also begun speaking to me.

Aunt: Please, JB, you need to stop doing this. You are going to kill yourself. This is not your time. You have to stop now. Come.

Clearly, it had to be the drugs messing with my mind, but, at the same time, I honestly felt her hand holding mine & pulling me through the maze of people partying the night away. Meanwhile, I totally forgot that I was still hanging onto my sister with my other hand, which meant I was dragging her right along with me.

Sister: JB! Where the h*ll you going?

Where I went was outside into the freezing cold, and the frosty air hit me like a slap in the face.

Sister: Holy sh*t, stop! Are you crazy?

I finally let go of my sister, which was a good thing because my next step sent me slippin' & slidin' on some ice and flying head first into the bumper of a car. In the 80’s, cars had steel bumpers, not plastic, so believe you me it freakin' hurt. I looked up expecting to see my Aunt, but there was only my sister reaching down to pick me up. I don’t know how she managed to get me to my feet without falling on the ice herself, but she did. She then hauled my a** into one of the taxi’s that was parked outside the club, and that was the end of our evening.

The next morning, I woke up with a wicked bump on my head, the most intense hangover a human could possibly endure, and my Aunt staring at me. No, not another vision, I mean her picture, which still sits on my bedside table even now. I know I can’t prove that she saved my life all those years ago, but I truly believe that I wouldn't be here telling this story today if my Aunt hadn't guided me out of the club that night. If I would have stayed and got super drunk like I’d planned, there’s no doubt in my mind that the mix of drugs (which I never touched again after that night, by the way) & alcohol would have stopped my heart. I know that’s what I thought I wanted at the time, but I’m so glad that it didn't happened.

JB

Trust: My Word of the Month

Trust is like a mirror. Once it’s broken, you never look at it the same again.
- Anonymous

Definitions for the word 'trust' found on the Web:

- have confidence or faith in a person or plan, etc
- allow without fear
- believing in the honesty and reliability of others
- expect and wish
- extend credit to
(wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn)

If you've been reading my blog since August, then you know what happened with my Ex and HWSNBN. Never have I thought about trust as much as I have since those two turned my life upside down & inside out, which is why I chose it as my word of the month for December. You see, I've never had a problem trusting people, but it's not so easy for me now after what I've been through. This really saddens me because I believe that trust is very important in a relationship, no matter who it’s with (ex. lover, friend, etc), and I don't want to go through life with my guard up all the time.

How important is trust to you?

JB

"I Want To Make An Inquiry"

Last month, my sister decided that she wanted to rent out one of her rooms, so we put an ad together & posted it. The next day she received a few e-mails from some interested people and forwarded them to me for my opinion. Amongst those e-mails was one that we found both amusing and strange. The woman who wrote it is supposedly university educated, but she definitely didn't come across that way. Heck, she didn't even bother to use spell check to clean up the spelling mistakes, not that it would have helped much. Anyway, I thought that I'd post her e-mail (with her name removed) here to see if some of you could enlighten me with your thoughts about it.

I want to make inquiry‏

Good Morning, I am (name removed) and i am here Concerning the Room to let, can see with my eyes that is a nice and neat place to live......i am from Texas fort worth,i am self employed....,i am 32 years of age......i need to get a room because i have been coming down for while now just because of my Customers.......i will like to know more about place and is there a packing space around in the House....... More about me I am single never married ,born in Cleveland Ohio ,obtaind my degree in the University of South Carolina ,and recently live in Ohio, I find very much peace and tranquility there .I am into the Sales of Sculptures , beeds , gold , etc...I`m 5`7" 120 with a atheletic build , mentally stable, physicaly fit, a bunch of laughs, warm, caring, honst, good listening, God Fearinggg, and a positive person.I am real easy person to talk and a good listen. I love to play golf and I enjoy chilling` with my friend/family , I like going to the movies , or watching movies in my room , I like swimming , fishing, listening to music,I hope to read you and kindly send me some pictures (name removed)

OK, forget all of the spelling & punctuation errors (good thing she's university educated) for a minute, and let me get this straight: she's from Texas, was born in Ohio, went to university in South Carolina, and now lives in Ohio. Huh??? My head is spinning. Seriously, people, is she for real? I mean, would that e-mail impress any of you enough to let the woman live in your home? Frankly, I think the person who wrote that e-mail is someone with way too much time on her hands trying to waste some of ours. Heck, for all we know, a woman didn't even write it. Maybe some guy thought it would be funny. Whatever... What I want to know is who this person thinks she (or, he) is fooling because it sure isn't me or my sister. In fact, just for fun, we decided to see what would happen if my sister told the woman that she was doing background checks (because, as my sister put it, "There are a lot of crazy people out there..."), so she e-mailed the woman asking for the necessary information. Would you like to know what her response was? Well, I can't tell you because my sister never got one. Gee, I wonder why?

JB

Distant Death

Distant looks
Distant touches
Lost
Surreal
Gone
Empty love
Dances in the distance
Tip toe
To-and-fro
Me over here
You over there
Noise wraps the air
Madness dances in my hair
Flakes of sky dust on the floor
Puddles of softness
Enveloped in darkness
Love is now a million tiny deaths
Repeating in my head
Hear my muffled cries for you
Calling out
Hey…
I know you can hear me
See me
Feel me
Touch me
Save me…
Flowers lay on the casket
Eyes look down
Staring at my death
Hands stroke cold flesh
Next…
Six feet down
I reach the cold hard ground
The earth hits the casket
Good-bye, wicked life
I bid you adieu

© 2008 JB. All rights reserved.

Looking For Adventure?

I don’t know if anyone has noticed the link to The Couch Surfing Project here on my blog, but I just had to write about it today. The project was founded by four young guys (two from the US, one from France, and one from Brazil), and I think it’s a super cool idea. If you want and/or like to travel & learn about other cultures, couch surfing might be for you.

How does it work? Well, all you have to do is join the community (aka register), go through a security check (aka get verified), make a connection with someone who’s hosting where you want to travel to (aka couch search), and you could be sleeping at their place for free instead of paying to stay at a hotel. There are even jobs available! No joke! The more I read about it, the more I want to escape my crazy soap opera of a life.

JB

Tagged! - 8 Things About Me

My new buddy, the lovely Indy (Hey, what’s up, girl?), tagged me the other day, which means I have to reveal 8 things about myself to all of you. I also have to tag 8 people to do the same, so that’s where I’ll start.

Tag, you’re it:

• Katie Leigh
• Scott
• Jeff
• Jerry
• Rory
• MizD
• Lux
• TUW

Now, about those 8 things:

1. I am a total closet case Celine Dion fan. There, now I feel so much better. She is my guilty pleasure. I really love her French songs, and right now I can't stop listening to her new album.

2. I have loved & lost, and the loss still torments me even as I type this.

3. I love jeans, especially designer jeans. At last count, 16 pairs.

4. Some of the greatest gifts in my life are my parents, sister, and close friends (especially my roommate, who is the brother I never had).

5. I have a passion for music that I can't even begin to tell you about. Music comes with me everywhere I go & keeps me sane.

6. I am a kind hearted person who always tries to see the good in people.

7. I believe that trust is very important in a relationship.

8. I still sometimes cry myself to sleep at night because of #2.

JB