Letters To My Bakery Customers - Part 3

I was looking through some of my older posts and I can't believe it's been almost 2 years since I wrote Letters To My Bakery Customers - Part 2. With the number of wackadoodles that show up at my counter, how can that be? Well, today I'm going to share a few letters that I've had in mind since last month. I was too busy to write them over the holidays, but I'm good to go now. :)

Dear Snowman Cake Guy,

Did you slip on a patch of ice and bump your head since we last saw you? Let me remind you then that the Snowman cake we made for you was based on the one that you saw in our display case. You said, "I want a Snowman cake that looks exactly like that one," and you pointed right at it, poking at the glass with your stubby index finger. Well, we made you a Snowman cake that looks "exactly" like the one that you saw, so what's this bullsh*t about the colours being "all wrong" and the snowman "too fat"? Seriously, dude, a snowman that's "too fat"? WTF? Go get your eyes checked and your head examined, and then buy or rent a copy of Frosty the Snowman on DVD so you can watch it and see what a snowman is supposed to look like, duma**!

Peace,
JB

Dear Date Squares Lady,

I think that you might also need to have your head examined because you can't seem to get it through your thick skull that we do not have, or have ever had, date squares for sale in our store. Seriously, how many bloody times must one of us personally escort you to the table out front to prove to you that there are no packages of date squares? I mean, for the love of God, it's like f-ing Groundhog Day every time you show up!! No wonder my employees run and hide when they see you coming. Unfortunately, I must lead by example, so I can't do the same, even though I want to, believe me. So, in case I'm not making myself clear, we don't give a rats a** if you supposedly saw date squares on that table before. Either go find yourself a bakery that gives a crap, or buy yourself some dates and make your own damn squares!

Peace,
JB

Dear Hot Bread Lady,

Guess what? You made my list of Stupid Customer Questions. Yup, that's right, I said STUPID!! I tried to be nice and explain that the only way you're going to get hot bread is if you are here when we pull it out of the oven, but you just don't get it, do you? Want to know why? BECAUSE YOUR STUPID!!!!! You're stupid and I am done with you --- done, done done!! I'm so done, I want to come to your house while you're sleeping and stab you with hot bread. Of course, any intelligent person would know that the bread would no longer be hot by the time I got there. You're probably sighing with relief right now, but that's only because you haven't realized that I can always heat the bread back up in your oven and then stab you with it. I bet you didn't think of that now did you, STUPID??!!

Peace,
JB