How the heck is it the last week February already? When I started writing this post two weeks ago (i.e. before work called me in to replace someone and I had to save my draft for later), I was thinking about how fast January had gone by, and how I was even more relieved than when the Christmas season was finally finished. I know a lot of people love that time of year, but folks hustling and bustling around trying to get their Christmas shopping done only means a whole lot of craziness for me, and God knows I'm dealing with plenty of crazy already. Anyway, since I never got around to sharing some letters to the nutty people who showed up at my counter back in December, I'm going to do that now.
Dear Itty Bitty Picture Guy,
Bringing in a picture of the item that you wanted from our Holiday flyer was a good idea. Of course, it would have been nice if you had just handed the picture to me, rather than waving it around like a flag in front of my face. Were you practicing for the Olympics opening ceremony or something? It also would have been nice if you had bothered to remember the product name, instead of repeating "I want this" over and over, and then having a tantrum when I asked you what it was called. Last time I checked, you're not a child and I'm not your mother (thank the Lord in Heaven), so don't come to my counter acting like a spoiled brat who could use a good spanking because I don't have time to put up with your sh*t. Next time you come across something that tickles your fancy, bring in the entire page that the item is being featured on, so I can at least figure out what the product is by name, and not by trying to make out what it is from a picture that's no bigger than my thumb. I'm not Sherlock Holmes, you know. I don't carry around a magnifying glass in my pocket.
Dear Panetone Man,
Have you ever worked really hard on something only to watch it be destroyed by some freakin' idiot? Well, that's exactly what happened when you decided to help yourself to a Panetone from the middle of the towering display that my manager and I spent all day building. Had our carefully constructed pyramid come crashing down on top of you, I would have been satisfied knowing that you deserved it for making such a stupid move; however, since you escaped unscathed, I have no choice but to tell you what a total jacka** you are, and how I'd wished that you had been violently attacked by the boxes and buried beneath them. Why the h*ll couldn't you pick a Panetone that was sitting out in front, you F**KING MORON? Did you think that we had an in store game of Jenga going on? LOSER!!!!
Dear Panetone Lady,
You know, when someone buys something the size of my head, eats half of it, and then comes back to the store to tell me that the product wasn't fresh, it's really hard to believe a word that person has to say. So, when you came to my counter with a half eaten Panetone claiming that it was stale, I already knew that you were full of sh*t. I mean, seriously, you had to eat half of it before coming to the conclusion that it wasn't to your liking and that you wanted your money back? The first few bites weren't enough to convince you? As for the lovely (not) story about having eaten a Panetone that was soft & moist when you vacationed in Italy, bull!!!! First of all, the Panetone sold in our store comes from Italy. The words "Made in Italy" are stamped right on the box. Furthermore, as an Italian who's been eating Panetone her whole life, I've never come across one that was moist. They might have a slight spongy texture, but they are still rather dry and difficult to swallow. In fact, I've never seen anyone in my family attempt to eat Panetone without first making some espresso to help wash it down. Seeing as you didn't choke to death eating half of the Panetone that you bought, you obviously knew to prepare some tea or coffee for yourself before having any. So, like I said, you're full of sh*t. I highly recommend an enema before setting foot back in our store.
For more letters, check out:
Letters To My Customers
Letters To My Customers - Part 2
Letters To My Deli Customers
Letters To My Deli Customers - Part 2
Letters To My Bakery Customers