What Part Of 'We Can't Be Friends' Did She Not Understand?

I decided to go to bed early last night to try & get some quality ZZZZ's, and (miracle of miracles) I actually got up this morning feeling well rested. If you've been reading my blog, you know that I don't sleep much, so getting some decent sleep is a big deal for me. Anyway, I started my day the usual way, fed my cats, made some tea, then sat down at the computer to check e-mails & do some blogging. Speaking of which, if you haven't already read my last post, I finally cut ties with my Ex, but it seems that I wasn't clear enough when I told her that we can't be friends because there was an e-mail from her in my inbox this morning. Apparently, she's going to give me some time. Umm, WTF?? What part of 'we can't be friends' did she not understand? I told her how it's going to be from now on, and she goes and tells me that she's going to give me some time, like I'm the one that needs to come around. This is not about me needing some time, it's about her getting her life together and leaving me alone. Meanwhile, she's acting like she's doing me a favour. What the h*ll is up with that French biscuit?

Am I over reacting? I mean, how about her fixing her life, so that maybe she can start apologizing to all her friends and my family. Wouldn't this be a good place to start? Please, can anyone give me some input on this French creature I call le chat qui a mangé mon coeur (translation: the cat who ate my heart), and who I think is a few sandwiches short of a picnic? (Boy, that doesn't say much about me does it?!)

JB

For The Sake Of My Mental Health: It's Over!

It’s over, finally. I did what I have been avoiding for a long time. I cut ties with my Ex. It was time. As much as I wanted to be friends, it was never going to happen. As long as HWSNBN is in the picture, being friends won't work, not now, not ever. I mean, really, how can two people be friends when the thing that destroyed them is there as a constant reminder of the hurt, lies, betrayal, hate, and all the rest of it?

So, I composed myself, and made the call. I asked her how we could be friends when I can never go to her home and share a meal with her at her table, or just hang out and watch a movie, etc. She responded by telling me that she was living in a fantasy world, she didn't know how it would work, and that I was right. I asked her where she thought she's going to go with this whole fantasy life and how she can be so naive, but I already knew the answer to my own question. Fact is, she has always wanted what she wants, when she wants, so I didn't expect much more from her. In the end, I told her: Being friends isn't going to work, so I have to let you go. Be happy in your life, take care of yourself, and if one day you decide to do the right thing, so be it. Until then, it’s good-bye.

I feel so sad & empty today (actually, I feel kind of sick, to tell you the truth) because I have fought for this friendship for two years, not knowing I was being lied to (read my older posts for the back story) the whole time, and now I had to be the one to do the right thing. Oh well, I guess it’s for me & my mental health, and I hope it will help her figure things out for herself. This really was the only way out for both of us. I don’t want to hurt her, and I don’t want to be hurt again. I will be sad, and I will miss her, but maybe, just maybe, some good will come from all of this.

JB

Hypocrite: My Word of the Month

Definitions of the word "hypocrite" found on the web:

- a person who professes beliefs and opinions that he or she does not hold in order to conceal his or her real feelings or motives (http://wordnet.princeton.edu/)

- a person who acts in contradiction to his or her stated beliefs or feelings (http://www.merriam-webster.com/)


If you want to know why "hypocrite" is my word of the month, the answer is in many of my previous posts.

JB

The Letter That Was Never Sent

I found this letter that I wrote to my Ex tucked nicely into a pocket in the back of a leather bound journal that I got as a Christmas gift from a good friend a few years ago. I wrote the letter on some really nice paper and sprayed it with perfume. I can still smell it. I never mailed the letter, and I know why I couldn't do it. As I read it over, I cried because it reminded me of the night I wrote it. My Ex had told me that she didn't love me anymore, but I still loved her. Reading that letter, I could feel how much I missed her, how much I loved her, and I couldn't deny it.

Anyway, I wanted to share the letter, expose my vulnerability, and show how the soul can be so fragile... how I was so fragile. I loved someone, and this is truly a great thing that I have been able to experience. Good or bad, I loved her. So, the letter is below. I wrote it probably a year & a bit ago, and the feelings were as true then as they are now. Love doesn't go away, it transforms you. I know because I have been transformed thanks to this beautiful thing called love.

JB

======================================================

My Beloved,

I am writing to you, my love. I have sat up nights thinking of our love, remembering your lips on mine, your body softly caressing me while we made love with a passion that could stop time.

My love, how I miss your arms around me while I sleep soundly. I can feel your breath of whispers in the back of my neck. You’d wake to feel my heart to touch my soul.

All the wet kisses are gone now. An empty bed I sleep in being kept warm by my pillow that holds my tears.

Tears that time has keep secret for me. The bed is still missing its lovers embraced in the passion of the truth of their love.

My beloved, I dream of our love to be true again on a warm winter night, when I can hold you in my arms and keep you safe from the world.

My beloved, I love thee with all my might. I will fight for our love when you are asleep. I will fight when you feel doubt. I will fight night and day 'til our lips can touch again, and the words 'I love you' flow freely into the air with joy and happiness.

This day is what we have both been waiting for, my beloved. Walk with me again to the end of time, where the love we had and still share can live through every breath, look, embrace, and passionate night we shared.

Remember, beloved, that you are mine, I am yours... this is the truth, and this is our truth. Believe in our love and everything will be as you have always dreamed of. Believe in us as I have always believed in you. No matter what has happened and what will happen, I will love you till the end of time.

Love Always,

JB

Soundtracks That I Can't Stop Listening To

I have a great love for soundtrack music. It started a long time ago with my father. (Thanks, Daddy. I love you.) He loved vinyl records with sound effects on them, usually in quadraphonic stereo. This is how they made records back then. They where so cool. He also loved these old vinyl soundtracks that he brought with him from Italy when we came over. They had really great songs from old Italian movies, and I would lie in front of the stereo (we had one of those old school furniture looking ones where the top opened up to reveal a record player), listening to those records crackle & pop. It sounded to like heaven to me. On Sundays, we would listen to those records together to hear airplanes flying, cars crashing, and really funny Italian music.

Anyway... I thought I’d share a list of soundtracks that I just can’t stop listening to, so all of you who love movie soundtracks as much as I do could check them out. They’re listed below, in no particular order. If you like them, they’re available on iTunes. Or, you can check out most of them on Amazon, by following the links on the right hand side of my blog (just below some of my fave movies). I have to say that my fave soundtracks are from foreign films. They really produce incredible soundtracks. I love French films the best, and Italian films come in a close second.

JB

P.S. The movies these soundtracks are from are great too.

Soundtracks that I can’t stop listening to:

• Vicky Christina Barcelona - Various Artists
• Something's Gotta Give - Various Artists
• The Fountain - Clint Mansell
• 1492: Conquest Of Paradise -Vangelis
• Ocean's Eleven -Various Artists
• Ocean's Twelve - Various Artists
• Purple Rain - Prince & the Revolution
• El Greco - Vangelis
• Blade Runner (25th Anniversary Edition) - Vangelis
• Breakfast At Tiffany's - Henry Mancini
• Feast of Love - Various Artists
• Revolver - Nathaniel Mechaly
• Queen Of The Damned - Various Artists
• Il Postino - Various Artists/Luis E. Bacalov
• Diva (20th Anniversary Edition) - Vladmir Cosma
• Trio Couleurs Bleu - Zbigniew Preisner
• Le Courage D' Aimer - Various Artists
• Betty Blue 37.2 Le Matin - Gabriel Yared
• La Belle Histoire - Various Artists
• Solaris - Cliff Martinez
• Passion: Music For The Last Temptation Of Christ - Peter Gabriel

Ok, Why So Much Packaging??!!

The other day, I made a trip to the local electronics store to buy a new printer for my office at work, as well as an HDMI cable for my TV (even though I haven't turned my TV on for a complete month now) because I was told that movies look good with an HDMI cable. When I went to pay, I was stunned to find out what that stupid cable cost, (and embarrassed to tell the cashier that it was too expensive), but I bought it anyway.

I headed back to work to set up the printer, but decided to get a good look at the HDMI cable first. Well, this is where things got a little tricky. The HDMI cable was packaged in that hard plastic shell stuff that you practically need a chainsaw to cut through. I don’t know why I thought I could use my desk scissors to get it open. All they did was dent the plastic shell slightly. So, I ran upstairs to the kitchen & grabbed one of our huge chef knives. My mother looked at me and said, “Why you taking that to the office?” I told her I needed to cut something. She said, “What, a leg of veal?” I told her no, I had to cut out an HDMI cable that’s trapped in some kind of S & M packaging. She just gave me a stern look and said, “Don't ruin the blade on that knife.” (Hmm, and I thought she was going to tell me to be careful not to cut myself. Clearly, the knife is much more important.)

I got back to my desk, and started ramming the knife through the package. It seemed to be working, until the knife got caught half way down. (Damn it!!) So, I pushed harder, and kept at it. Finally, I cracked the little sucker out of its package, but only to discover that it was tightly zip tied to the cardboard backing. (Seriously, are you kidding me?) I could not believe all the packaging that was used just for this freakin' cable. Anyway, I cut the zip ties, pulled the cable off the card board, and (oh, h*ll no) that’s when I noticed that I had bought the wrong length. ($#%$#!!!!!) Well, there was no way I was taking it back (it would take a month just to reconstruct the package that it came in), so I moved onto the printer.

Now, the printer that I bought wasn't very big, but it came in huge box, surrounded by Styrofoam, wrapped in a plastic bag, and seated on cardboard bottom protectors. (*sigh*) Is this necessary, I thought to myself? Really, can someone tell me why companies do this?? I know that they need to protect their products from being damaged during transport, but why so much packaging??!! Why aren't these companies being more environmentally friendly? The printer could have easily fit into a smaller box with much less packaging, and it still would have been properly protected, but no. They have to put small items in big boxes, and make us pay for it all. Then, on top of that, we have to recycle their mess.

I don't know about you, but I think this is wrong. What do you think?

JB

OMG, I'm A Mess!

I was just taking stock of my posts over the last month, and thought -- OMG, I’m a mess! Seriously, I can't believe how all over the place I am. Although, in comparison to last year, the level of mess is at a 5 (this based on a scale from 1-10, 10 being the worst). Two years ago the level of mess was at an 11. Three years ago, it was just about off the charts, so I often stayed in bed nursing my depression. Still, no matter how messed up I am, I’m somehow prefect in my imperfection. Only now, anyone with access to a computer can read all about it. Speaking of which, I have been journaling since I was 14, so getting my private thoughts down in written form isn't new to me (no, Oprah did not make me do it), but blogging is something else. Blogging is journaling publicly, and there is no way in hell that I could have done this last year, or the year before that, no way. This year, though, I need to do this because it’s my way of repairing the damage that was done to me. I am being honest, and it may be messy & all over the place sometimes, but it’s good for me. Who knows, maybe I can get someone else to open their window to let the sun in, make their bed, take a shower, and live, love and laugh again. God knows I didn’t really do (or want to do) those things when I was at my lowest of lows.

JB

P.S. For all you that think I might still be in love with my Ex, I really can't answer that right now. Also, for those of you who think that I hate her, I can't answer that either. What I can say is you don’t choose who you love. You might try too, but in the end, love chooses you, and I don’t regret the love that chose me, no matter what’s happened.

Testimony: A Follow Up

It's been about a week now since I received the "testimony" e-mail from HWSNBN, and I still have indigestion from trying to stomach his bullsh*t. In light of a recent conversation I had with my Ex, it's pretty obvious to me that HWSNBN didn't send me his “testimony” because he feels remorseful. Rather, it's a way for him to use me for his own selfish reasons again. In a nutshell, it looks like HWSNBN is about to experience the same kind of train wreck my life turned into when my Ex decided she wanted to experience a man (but all she got was a boy). You see, HWSNBN has fallen head over heels in love with my Ex, but she hasn't fallen head over heels for him. Turns out she finally realized that he's not me, and she can't love him like she loved (or still loves) me. What we gave each other, he can only dream of having with her.

Ah, HWSNBN, this is your life. Are you happy, and was it all worth it for the both of you? Are you enjoying the relationship that you two created out of lies and blatant disregard for the person (i.e. me) who loved you both? Well, this is what you two get for settling for half lives. My life with her was passion, joy, fire, desire, and unconditional love for each other. Is this yours? I think not! If it was, I would not have received your bullsh*t “testimony” & she wouldn’t be crying over the mess you two made. Good luck with your relationship with someone who does not love you and never will. I hope you set her free so she can pursue real love because eventually you two will only drown in your lie.

This is my testimony.

JB

Hallelujah, iTunes 8.0!

Hallelujah! Hallelujah! The world's best ever version of iTunes has landed, and it's blazing a trail down the media player highway taking down all its competitors. (Thank you, Apple gods!) iTunes 8.0 is the best media player on the market, and I'm so freakin' happy, I can't describe the joy that's pulsing all over my body! (Steve Jobs, I love you!) Seriously, this new version is brilliant. It has some great new features that you have to see to understand, especially Genius, which offers you a cool way to create playlists & get music recommendations based on your current music library. You have to to get on your computer & check it out.

The only con amongst all the pros of iTunes 8.0 is its size. The program is quite large, so if you're using a slower system, it will run a little sluggish, especially for you PC users. On my Mac, the program is so freakin' flawless that it practically brings a tear to my eye when I see all the album art work looking so sleek. I've downloaded some TV shows & movies, and they also look fantastic.

JB

The Music Soundtrack In My Head: A Conversation With My Ex

I wanted to post this yesterday, but I was really drained from spending the day with my Ex. She wanted to talk, so we met on Sunday for some drinks.

She was her usual self, kind of bubbly, and not so much in her head. Actually, she was a little strange. I think I made her feel uncomfortable. It's like we were out on our first date again. Anyway, the conversation began with small talk. Then, after we had a little more to drink, she started talking about how bad she felt about what she'd done to me. She confessed how she didn't want things to be the way they are. She was sad and remorseful, and sounded like she was confessing her sins in church. I listened to her, but she sounded so out of touch with herself. Finally, I asked her what the h*ll she was talking about because she wasn't making any sense. The conversation went something like this…

Me: I know you feel bad, but you continued to lie to me for over 2 years. Why, all of a sudden, a change of heart?

My Ex: Because I know what I have lost. Things are not the same without you. My life doesn't work without you. (Really, now you freakin' see it?) It's not the same. I don't know what I have done? I made a mistake. I’m so sorry.

(Ok, I better have another drink, I thought to myself.)

My Ex: I need to tell you something, but I don't want you to think that I'm crazy.

Me: OK.

My Ex: Well, I am a bad person, and I don't deserve you to even be sitting here with me, but the whole time that I lied and did all that bad stuff, there was a music soundtrack that kept going off in my head.

(I looked at her with utter dismay, thinking holy freakin' crap.)

Me: What did you say, a soundtrack?

My Ex: Yeah, one song in particular by Celine Dion called "Je Danse Dans Ma Tete" + some random Radiohead songs.

Me: Oh, I see. So, you are trying to tell me the voices, sorry, the songs, in your head made you perpetuate this freakin' disaster and mockery that you made of our love and my life? The music made you do it?

My Ex: Please, don't laugh. (How could I not laugh? This was the most insane thing I'd ever heard.)

Me: Hold on, let's get another drink.


So, as we drank, and she continued to explain herself & profess how much she cared and loved me, I couldn't stop thinking about how crazy it all sounded. Our relationship came to an end because Celine Dion and Radiohead made her do it?

JB

Grab A Hanky For This One: Ellen & Portia's Wedding

Last week my cousin asked me if I had watched Ellen, lately. I said no because I just hadn't been getting to the TV in time these past few weeks. My cousin said thank God because the footage from Ellen's wedding was shown on Tuesday, and if it made her emotional, it would have made me a total wreck. Knowing that what Ellen & Portia have is what I wanted with my Ex, my cousin advised me not to watch it. I had just written my My Blanket Of Sadness post, and she didn't think I wanted to go on another Kleenex roller coaster ride any time soon.

Well, I took my cousin's advice and avoided Ellen for a whole week, but today I couldn't resist it anymore. I needed to see the video and to let the feelings overwhelm me. I needed to see it because I can't avoid things that make me feel sad. I would rather just let it rip through me, so I can continue to heal. So, I made myself cup of herbal tea this morning, grabbed my trusty (and almost empty) Kleenex box, and off I went in search of Ellen and Portia's day of wedded bliss.

When I finally found the video, I sat back and let it play. After what I have been through, the video was (as my cousin warned) incredibly emotional for me. Still, even though it was difficult to watch, I didn't cry as much as I thought I would, and a lot of the tears were happy ones. Seeing two people so in love with each other makes me believe that there is hope for those of us who are still looking for what Ellen & Portia have found. There is plenty of love for each and every one of us.

Thanks, Ellen & Portia, for giving me hope.

JB

P.S. If you want to watch the video of Ellen & Portia's wedding day, just head on over to my myspace page, and click to view all of my blog entries. Once the page turns over, scroll down towards the bottom to locate the video.

Testimony?

Well, well, well. What do we have here, folks? Apparently, it's a "testimony" from none other than HWSNBN. Go ahead, read the e-mail for yourselves. It's word for word, except for where I had to change a name or two for privacy reasons, and where I inserted my comments.

From: HWSNBN
Sent: September 11, 2008 9:43:12 PM
To: JB

September 8th 2008 (He wrote it on the 8th, but sent it to me on the 11th? Interesting. Wasn't the last year & a half already long enough to think about whether he should apologize or not?)

Dear JB;

I'm very sorry, I need to apologize. (Uh, sure, 18 months after the fact.)

I lied to your face, I cheated you of many decisions and reactions, and I abandoned you personally as well as professionally. (Wow, could that be any drier? Does someone need a glass of water?) I would, if you would like, to apologize to you in person. (If I would like? Wow, how considerate, NOT!)

I need to apologize to your mother as well. (I so dare you to try.)

I know my behavior was childish and ignorant. (Oh, found your balls, did ya?)

I realize now that there is and always was too much at stake. (You mean the one shoved in my back & heart?) I need to make amends not to satisfy myself (ya, right) but because it is the right thing to do (oh, you've discovered the difference between right & wrong now?), and I need to be honest with myself and others. (Oh, look who's a big boy now.)

I understand if you or your mother do not wish to talk to me. (No sh*t, Sherlock.) Please know I am truly remorseful and I regret my misdeeds. (Misdeeds. Misdemeanors. Missed the point completely, stoooopid!)

Signed (Signed? What is this, a business letter??)

HWSNBN (Just to be clear, he actually put his first & last name. As if I know anyone else with the same name as him who has to apologize for doing what he did to me, that stupid little #$%#!!)


All I've got to say is ya, right! Where does he think he is going with out a helmet, seriously?

JB

My Blanket of Sadness

It’s 1 o'clock in the morning and, as usual, I can’t sleep. Only, this time is different than most sleepless nights because tonight I dug out my blanket, the one that I have been hiding for the last few weeks. My blanket of sadness... the one that consists of the last three years of my life woven into one tangled & messy weave, otherwise known as the life of a depressed person trying to hide from all the hurt and pain that she's experienced because of a failed relationship with the one person who she thought would never fail her... the one person who she thought would love her forever.

Tonight, my blanket of sadness has a strangle hold on me, and it won’t let go. Sitting at the edge of my bed crying like my kitten just died, I realize that the hurt is still there no matter what, and my blanket is the only thing that gives me comfort. The agonizing thought that two people who played a cruel & unthinkable game with me could be sharing a bed together makes me want to move to another country, just so I never have to witness the mockery of this affair. Someone tell me how you can live a truth that was based on lies to start off with?

On the floor by my feet, there's a puddle of tears surrounded by Kleenex. It's a familiar scene that I thought was finally over, but I guess my blanket of sadness is wrapped around me tighter than I thought. I have been trying to store it away permanently, and hope I will soon. For now, I need to cover my face because my tears feel like acid, and my eyes are burning. I need to say this: I hate them both with an undeniable passion, and wish them pain & suffering for the rest of their lives. This may sound mean, but it's what I feel... it's the hurt talking. Some people would probably say worse. All I know is that I need to release it. The sadness is only a temporary thing that will fade as my wounds heal.

I know that I may declare love for this woman in some of my posts, but there is a thin line between love and hate. You can’t draw the line properly because it’s blurred. We love as hard as we hate, and I am living proof of this. I have forgiven myself, but tonight I hate this overwhelming feeling of loosing control. Something has taken over my heart, and filled it with the hate that I am trying to unload.

Why are you here tonight, sadness and hate? Why are you strangling me? Are you reminding me that I am alive and need to feel all that is in me?

Wrapping the blanket tighter, I feel secure that I will finish this, and then get to sleep like a child. I miss that kind of sleep so much. Maybe, I will dream of the love that once cared for me, who held me in her gaze for hours and watched me sleep. I miss her as much as I hate her. My heart and soul ache for her touch, her lips, her love.

My blanket of sadness is holding the hurt, sad, betrayed, and somewhat depressed women deep within me... the woman who never once gave up on her love, yet whose love gave up on her in a heart beat because a half life was easier to settle for than a full life. It's sad what people will do to fit into the structures dictated by others.

JB

Energy Vampires: Don't Let Them Suck The Life Out Of You!

If you are wondering what the heck an Energy Vampire is, I'm about to tell you. I just wanted to preface this post by saying that it came about because of a conversation that my cousin and I had last week, after I finished having breakfast with my sister (aka Bitter). If you haven't read my Breakfast With Bitter post yet, you might want to before you read this one because it will explain a lot.

So, exactly what is an Energy Vampire (EV for short)? Well, let me ask you this, how many of you know one too many whiners & complainers? I know a good handful of them, and you really only need to know one in your own life to understand that they are Energy Vampires. Why? Simply because they suck the life right out of you every single time you make contact with them. It doesn't matter if you're talking on the phone or face to face, the second an EV opens his or her mouth, you are done for. By the time your conversation is over, you are so completely drained of energy, you feel like you need to find the nearest bed and take a nice long nap. Seriously, EV's are utterly exhausting, and they will suck up your energy time & time again, until you make it crystal clear that you are not going to be a pity party participant.

What's scary is that EV's can be anyone --- a sister, brother, girlfriend, boyfriend, mother, father, neighbour, co-worker, you name it, which makes them hard to avoid. What's worse is that even if you're doing your very best to stay away from them, they have this uncanny ability of being able to hunt you down. So, not only do you have to be on guard, but you also need to make sure that you don't let EV's get the upper hand when they do get a hold of you. If you're quick, though, you can cut them off before they really sink their teeth into you.

For example, EV's are notorious for blaming (because heaven forbid they actually take responsibility for anything) other people, places, or things for their problems. So, as soon as you hear an EV lay blame, you better find a way out of the conversation -- and FAST! It doesn't matter what your excuse is, just put it out there & GO! You want to do this right away because if you show any sympathy, any slight notion that you actually care, an EV will only use it as leverage.

If you're really daring, and willing to risk an EV's wrath (because, trust me, it's going to be all your fault), you could always do what my cousin did and stand up for yourself. By that I mean letting it be known that you are not going to put up with their EV crap anymore. If you're lucky, this will solve your problem. Well, at least for a little while, anyway. Unfortunately, most EV's that you stand up to do resurface when they think that enough time has passed for you to have gotten over yourself (because, as you remember, they are never the reason why life is crap), and they feel confident that they can go back to telling you their 'woe is me' stories. In other words, they victimize you by playing the victim. How's that for irony?

Anyway... as I said at the beginning of this post, my cousin and I got into a big discussion about this last week and we came to the conclusion that it's just not right to let EV's take advantage of you, which is exactly what they do, if you let them. At some point, you need to say enough is enough. So, while you may never be entirely free of them, don't let Energy Vampires suck the life out of you!

JB

One Massage, Two Massages.... Oh, Yeah!

I would like to say that it has been a sh*t kicker of a week, and I'm so happy it's over & the weekend is finally here. The only thing is that it will all start up again on Monday, and if I could run and hide, I would, trust me on this, but I like to deal with things right away. So, I will polish my helmet, and get ready for what the new week has in store for me.

So, as I was saying, this past week was rough. I mean, it really beat me up, and I ended up going for a massage twice. If I hadn't, I think I probably would have ripped someone's head off. Stress is a bad thing, and if you can remove it completely from your life, I recommend you do so ASAP. I try my best not to let it get to me, and if I feel any coming on, I just do something about it right away. This is why I told everyone at work that I had some things to deal with at my lawyers office on Friday, when what I was really doing was sneaking off for another massage. I don't like to lie, but this was for my mental and physical welling being, so I had to make an exception. After all, if I don't take care of myself, who will?

Thank goodness I have AC (I've mentioned her in a previous post). She is a force to be reckoned with, and I am so grateful to call her a friend. After I leave her massage table, I always feel like a new person. In fact, I feel amazing. AC is not just my massage therapist, she's my guide, and I really needed her guidance to deal with all the chaos surrounding me. The only catch is that even when I'm feeling great, everything and everyone around me is falling apart. The balance is so uneven, I can't control it, nor do I want to. So, I go see AC to get me back on track and balanced again. I can only hope that I bring to her life what she brings to mine. If I don't, I feel like she is being short changed because I feel really blessed to have her in my life.

If I had to recommend anything to anyone, take care of yourself. Go for a massage once a week, do yoga or pilates, go for a swim, get a manicure, a pedicure, a facial, a new outfit.... Do something that makes you feel good because taking care of yourself, getting healthy and staying healthy, makes a world of difference.

JB

If You Forget Me - Pablo Neruda

I just had to post yet another incredible poem -- If You Forget Me -- by Pablo Neruda. To hear the poem being read by Madonna, you can check it out on YouTube. Meanwhile, the poem itself follows below.

This poem is for anyone who has loved, lost, and come out changed. Knowing that my love is no longer there isn't as painful as it used to be, yet, at the same time, there's still an emptiness that's hard to bear.

JB

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If You Forget Me - Pablo Neruda

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists:
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

A Thought

Perhaps love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself. Not whom I want you to be, but to who you are.

- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Pablo Neruda: Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines

For any of you who love poetry, you're sure to love Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines, a beautiful poem by Pablo Neruda. He was an amazing poet who won the 1971 Nobel Prize in Literature. I've posted the poem below. Meanwhile, a video where you can hear actor Andy Garcia read the poem out loud can be found on my myspace page. Just click to view all of my blog entries. Then, once the page turns over, scroll down towards the bottom to locate the video.

Pablo Neruda (1904-1971)

Born: Neftalí Ricardo Reyes Basoalto
Place of Birth: Parral, Chile
Occupation: Poet, Diplomat, Political figure


Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines - Pablo Neruda

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, "The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance."

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

__________________________________________________________

My love, if I could have written this poem for you, those are the words that I would've chosen to express what is and will always be in my heart and soul, now and forever. Goodbye sweet, sweet angel, who saved my life not so long ago. May you become that beautiful women you so long to be. Goodbye, until our paths cross again on a starry night.

Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

JB

The Beach, The Journal, and The Universe

Today was one of the most beautiful days we've had all summer. As soon as I placed my feet on the floor this morning, I had an overwhelming feeling of peace and harmony come over me. The first thing I did was give thanks for the great day that had revealed itself to me. The strange thing was that I had this sudden urge to go to the beach. I have no idea why. There's a pool in my yard, but the beach was calling me. So, I packed my bag with water, cereal bars, gum, the book I'm reading right now (The Saint The Surfer And The CEO) my journal, two pens, a beach blanket, and a jacket to use as a pillow. I put a bandanna on to keep my hair out of my face, slipped on my sunglasses, and off I went. As I was leaving, I got a call from a friend who asked me to go hang out, but I really needed to be alone today. I needed to go to the beach.

It was early, so finding parking was easy. I walked over to my favorite place, under a tree that I love, and threw down my blanket right next to the water. I like that spot because it not only has good shade, but also good sun if you move to sit more forward. The water was calm and the smell of life was over powering my senses. I could smell the leaves of the tree, the flowers a few feet away from me, and the light breeze that was blowing. The summer air was hypnotizing me. I lay down and closed my eyes to soak it all up. I was so happy just being, just living the moment. I felt tears welling up inside me... happy, joyous tears. For me, it was a great moment to be alive.

I read for a little while, and then I began to write down my thoughts. I was using the old journal that I started when my breakup happened, the one full of all the lies, all the bullsh*t, and I really wanted to finish it off. I wrote stuff that I needed to get off my chest, and I finally got the lesson that these last three years were trying to reveal to me. It was like I was writing my mission statement, just like Tom Cruise did in the movie Jerry Maguire. At first, it felt odd, but then the words just flowed, like the small waves that where drifting in and out the shore line in front of me.

When I got to the last page of the journal that's been my crutch, my record of sadness and hate, I wrote down these final lines: I am free now of the chains that I have carried around for the last three years. I am never going to let the past be my present. I will love with all that I have and never regret whether it was good or bad. I will live a full life and not a half life. I will be true to myself and live with a true heart. I will never just exist for anyone else, but myself. I will love me forever. My life book is mine to write, no one else’s. I am one with the power that fills me & the joy that I am living in total harmony with the universe and nature.

After I closed the journal, I lay back down, closed my eyes, and started to cry. I knew that the story was over because I had finally forgiven myself. I could feel love filling every inch of my core. I was back... me... JB... I was back -- and, before I left for home, there was one more thing that I just had to do. I walked to farthest end of the beach, climbed up on a really big rock, and tossed the journal into the water just like a Frisbee. As I watched it float away, the feeling inside me was like nothing I have ever felt.

Throwing away that journal was the perfect end to a perfect morning that literally ended there because I almost hit a car pulling out of my parking spot. When I looked at the driver, staring back at me was a familiar face. Here I was, heading home in great spirits, and I just missed having a run in with none other than my Ex. How's that for irony? I just stared, completely stunned. I have no idea what it all means, but clearly the Universe works in mysterious ways.

JB

Divine Intervention: My Conversation With God

I've had something on my mind for a few weeks now, and would like to share it with all of you. It started about 5 months ago. I had a really tough day at work with my mom and sister, and all I wanted was to get the hell out of dodge and not look back. The absolute final straw was my Ex calling me up, crying on the phone, giving me her "this is who I am" & "never speak to me again" bullsh*t.

Truly, it was a hellish day, and I couldn't deal anymore. I ended up leaving in the middle of service. As I headed home, I experienced a wicked flash of a blackout. I pulled over, and I thought for sure that I was going to pass out, so I closed my eyes and just sat for about 30 minutes, until everything stopped spinning.

When I got home, I threw my stuff on my bedroom floor, stripped down naked, and just fell to my knees and started to weep like a child. I cried for an hour straight, praying to God (I can't remember the last time I really prayed to Him) to release me from the chains that were holding me down. I told Him, I surrender. I quit. He wins. I’m throwing down the white flag. I am beat. Please, make the pain stop. Please, stop this aching in my core. I can’t bare it anymore.

When the tears finally stopped, I was surrounded by wet Kleenex, and my cat was staring at me with a look that said, "Are you going to feed me anytime soon or are you going to continue crying?" I got up, still naked, and fed the cat. Then, I pulled my yoga mat to my bed, got on my knees, blew my nose, and started to pray again. Please, I surrender to you, I told God. I have been beat, ripped, punched, pummeled, and here I kneel before You, asking You to release me from this agony. I said, please guide my foot steps, and may Thy will be done. Whatever it is, I am ready to receive it. Have I not proven myself to You? Have I not done enough good to deserve a little reprieve from all of this? God, are you there listening to me? Please, send me a sign. I promise to listen, watch, pay attention, and be more aware of the path of others. I asked Him to pray for those who have lost their way to be guided back onto the right path. I could feel the tears coming, and they came. I held my head in my hands and rocked myself. I felt like I was caught between Heaven and Hell, and I asked God to send me to either one place or the other. I just wanted to be released, to be free, and to live true to my heart... to live a full life and not a half life.

So, there you have it, my conversation with God, and I am so glad for it because the next day everything changed for me. I had sense of clarity and feelings of peace & harmony. I can't explain it, but I think that some Divine intervention took place that night.

Peace,
JB