Breakfast With Bitter

I figured that breakfast with my sister (aka Bitter) this morning would, as per usual, be a frolicking trip down 'I hate the world and everyone can go f**k themselves' lane, and so it was. She never disappoints.

Me: (sitting down at the table) So, how are you today?

Bitter: What are you stupid? I just saw you last night at work. How the f**k do you think I am?

Me: Are you drunk? You don't seem like yourself.

Bitter: Actually, no, I'm stoned. I have been popping pills (Percocet for her lower back pain) all morning. Don't give me a lecture. Don't want to know and don't care.

Clearly, this was going to be a full force, in your face, bitterness hate festival of a breakfast. She started with HWSNBN, and then her ex (the guy left her to get married to a pure woman because he's Muslim and she isn't). Then, she went on a tirade about God ("Who the f**k does God think he is?") and my going to church.

Holy crap, I thought. She is going to explode like a nuclear missile. Time for a distraction.

Me: Do you think things happen for a reason?

Bitter: (nothing, just looking at me like I'm an idiot)

Me: Am I going to find love like Ellen?

Bitter: (clearing her throat) Can I tell you something, Bubbles (she calls me that sometimes)? Stop reading all those books about fixing your life and, please, for the love of God, pull your head out of your Ex's a** and get over it. She is the lowest form of human that I have ever encountered. She has dumped you, of all the people in the world, a kind soul like you, for a 24 year old, low life, pot smoking, paint balling, drinking fool who pisses more then a girl (he's got bladder problems), hanging out with his high school boyfriends (she says 'boyfriends' because she thinks he's gay), who have never been laid by real women, and him f**king your Ex doesn't count. She isn't a woman at all because she couldn't even leave her house to get laid and decide what her sexuality really is. Please, she is the most stupid idiot on this earth, and they both deserve each other. She settled for this. So, let her suck it up until there is nothing left, and when she comes back, slam the door in her face because you deserve so much better. Please, I beg of you, Bubbles, stop the insanity. Now, finish your breakfast and let me go back to my hole, and pop my pills, and contemplate how much I hate these people who have screwed you and me over, while I drink my strawberry daiquiris.

Me: (holy crap!) Umm, you really shouldn't mix booze and pills.

Bitter: Please, are you 12-teen, now? Butt out, Bubbles, and go hang out with your new girlfriends.

After all that, I wondered why she wanted to have breakfast to begin with, but I didn't ask. When we were done, I dropped her off in front of her place.

Bitter: (getting out of my car) Don't feel bad for me. You make your bed and you lay in it.

With the slam of my car door, she was gone. I took off for my mom's place feeling totally exhausted, and praying my mom wouldn't ask too many questions when I got there.

Me: (making my way through my mom's front door) Morning, ma.

Mother: Where is your sister?

Me: (uh oh, here we go) She isn't feeling well.

Mother: (a knowing look on her face) What, she drunk today?

Me: No.

Mother: You lie to me, eh?

Me: (sh*t) Ma...

Mother: She talk nonsense today?

Oh, how well we know each other.

JB

Self Help Books: They Can Help, But...

Only when we are no longer afraid do we begin to live.
-- Dorothy Thompson

I went to pick up a new journal a few days ago, and I noticed something for the first time. I mean it’s probably been like this for a while, but I just noticed. The self help section of the local Chapter's that I go to is now the biggest section in the store. Self help... this makes me wonder. With all of these self help books, why is everyone still so screwed up? I mean, you’d think that these books are helping. Oprah, Louise Hay, Eckhart Tolle, Marianne Williamson, and Wayne Dyer (just to name a handful of author's) all have books out there trying to teach people how to do/be/have any number of things in life. The world ought to be better, people should be healing, but I see no change, no real difference. People are buying these books, but I think they might just be using them as coasters or door stoppers. I can't tell you how many people have told me that they bought a certain book and got nothing out of it. When I ask whether they actually bothered to apply what they read, they get a look on their faces that tells me they haven't done a damn thing. Well, explain to me how a book is supposed to help you if you read it, but then continue to live your life the way you always have?? It's easy to blame a book (or a person) for how crappy your life is, but the fact is you are the only one holding you back. A book can open you to new ideas, but you need to get going and do something. I know no one wants to hear that, but -- reality check -- it's true. Don't get me wrong, I understand that change is hard and that change itself scares people, but only you can change your life.

JB

What About Love?

If you watch the Oprah Winfrey Show, you've often heard her talk about how you have to love yourself first in order to really love others. This is something that I have always believed. Love begins with you, and if you aren't feeling it for yourself, how can you possibly return it to another person?

So, if love begins with you and ends with you, when is it the right time to start doing the inner work, i.e. working on yourself, so that maybe you can start loving yourself? Wouldn't it be a better world if we shared more love than hate?

I say, love, laugh and be happy. This is the perfect recipe for living a full life vs a half life. Fill your glass full to the top, and go get your life back.

JB

Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Sarah Slean, and Martha Wainright

I was sitting here obsessing over my life and where it's going, and really needed some fresh new music to listen to. So, I popped onto iTunes to start searching. By the way, have I mentioned how much I love Apple and iTunes? I love iTunes because music is released on there almost 2 weeks before it hits store shelves. As soon as I started using iTunes (and we're talking way back when, long before any of my friends even knew about it), I could see how big it was going to get. I quickly told all of my friends to take my word for it, dump their old media players, and switch to iTunes.

Anyway... back to searching for music. First, I checked to see if the soundtrack to the new Woody Allen movie -- Vicky Cristina Barcelona -- was out. As always, iTunes does not disappoint, so quickly downloaded the music. If anyone gets a chance, go see the movie. It's one of the best movies that's come out this year. It's really a gem of a film, and the music is fantastic. I will post a little review of it at some point because it I can't get over how much it reflects my life to a "T" right now.

My next pick off iTunes was The Baroness by Sarah Slean. I really think that she is one of Canada's best singer-songwriters. She even has a book of poetry called Ravens, which you can purchase directly from her site (http://www.sarahslean.com/). I own it, and like to carry it around with me because I usually read one poem out of it every day. She is so talented. If you haven't already, check out her site. You will not be disappointed.

My last pick off iTunes was the latest from Martha Wainwright(http://www.marthawainwright.com/), another amazing Canadian singer-songwriter. The woman blows my mind. Her new CD is called I Know You're Married, But I Got Feelings Too. Talk about freakin' good! It's a must buy for anyone who loves good writing and good music.

Well, now that I have downloaded my music, I'm going to get lost in the voices of those two incredible Canadian women and, and let a beautiful soundtrack whisk me away to Barcelona.

Goodnight, sweet voices, good night.

JB

Attention, Fashionistas, Attention!!!

If you've been reading my blog, you know that I haven't been sleeping much. This time, I was wide awake at 3am and decided to do a little shopping. I found some awesome deals. I just love a deal, don't you? I love them so much, I'm going to share my fave online stores with all of you lovely ladies out there in cyberland. In fact, guys, you can actually shop some of these stores too.

First up, my top three faves. I've bought stuff from these stores multiple times, without any problems:

• Tobi
• Shop Bop
• ASOS

Other sites (in no particular order) that I really like & have purchased from, include:

• Blue Fly
• Smash Boutique
• 7 For All Mankind
• Miss Sixty
• Revolve Clothing
• S Sense
• Zappos (for shoes)

Just as an example of how great a deal you can get, I purchased my Hudson Signature Boot cut Andorra Jeans (which are fabulous & I absolutely love) from Tobi for $95.00 less than they were being sold for at stores in my local mall. If you shop around, you will soon discover that it's worth shopping online because your local boutique marks up their prices by a good 300%. Talk about insane! I recommend trying on what you want in a store first, so you can find the right fit, but then buying online for less. This is the way to go, ladies, because a savings is a savings, and why not look fab while you save?

Happy shopping, happy saving!

JB

HWSNBN: Burn, Baby, Burn!

It's night and I can’t sleep (big surprise), so I thought that maybe it would be a good time to clean house, shall we say. I opened a cold Corona beer, made a cup of herbal tea (yeah, beer and tea... I like to mix it up at night), pulled my photo albums off the shelf, and started to rip out every single picture of my Ex and HWSNBN, posing together. I can’t rip pictures of my Ex, but of no problem. I have three albums to go through, but their will probably be only two left by the time I'm done. I wish I could just burn HWSNBN & the pictures, but my roommate is sleeping, and starting fire probably wouldn't be a good idea.

It's really sad, cruel, and totally unbelievable how mean people are to the ones they love. I never thought that ripping photos would be something that I would do, but after being hurt so bad by two people that I trusted completely, who wouldn’t? All these pictures that captured the good times that we had as friends are now nothing more than a lie. I can’t look at them without getting really mad, sad or sick to my stomach. I find HWSNBN absolutely revolting. There's this picture of him licking my Ex’s face. At the time, it was all in good fun, but now I know better. Personally, I would love to go and give him a slap in the face, but I respect myself to much, and refuse to lower myself to his level. So, ripping and tearing these pictures of him will have to do.

Time for another cold one.

JB

To Plastic Wrap or Not To Plastic Wrap?

I was at work yesterday (I work in a restaurant with my mother and sister) and my mother decided to give my sister a lecture about how the chicken breasts that she tenderizes should be packaged and stored. Those two don’t agree on anything, especially when it comes to chicken & plastic wrap. I always just observe the verbal fireworks between them because no one really listens to me when I try to put in my two cents. Having said that, I don’t recommend ever working with your family. It's like drinking acid for breakfast everyday. I should know. We've been working together for 25 years.

Anyway, this chicken & plastic wrap business drives my sister bonkers. You see, mother likes to wrap 2 pieces of chicken at a time, and then wrap 6 packs of 2 pieces together. (Are you following me??) This drives my sister nuts because not only does it take double the plastic wrap to do this & make for twice the work, it also really slows us down when we're busy. With the chicken wrapped & re-wrapped in plastic, it's not exactly easy to get it unwrapped, especially when we need to get orders out on time. My sister said, "Mom, you use too much plastic wrap. It’s a waste. Why not put 12 pieces in Tupperware containers, since we have them? This would save time & it would be easier to get at the chicken when we need it. Do you know how much plastic wrap you use? One roll a month! That’s insane! It's 5000 feet! What the hell are you wrapping?!

Sometimes, that type of conversation goes on for a good 20 minutes. Mom wraps everything in plastic wrap. I swear she put plastic wrap diapers on us. The woman is obsessed with plastic. I've tried to explain that it's really bad for the environment, but it's pointless. She thinks recycling is throwing everything in the garbage. She says, "I be dead before the earth explodes. Oh, fack off (seriously, with her accent, that's how it sounds). You be brainwashed by TV and that guy, Al Gore. Him he’s fat now because you guys go buying that DVD he selling on Oprah. Stop be so stupid."

You know what's funny, though? Washed plastic bags used to hang on our clothes line with our laundry when I was a kid. No joke! Those bags were wrinkled to the point of being unrecognizable, but washing them in order to reuse them would now be considered recycling. I could bring that up, but I wouldn't dare.

JB

Love Conquers All

I really believe that love conquers all. I’m sure a lot of people think that's a little naive, but this is what I believe. The love that was and is still present after all that I've been through, the love that I thought I could hold on to forever, is holding on by itself. This is not to say that I have forgiven my Ex and HWSNBN for what they did to me, but I am now able to forgive myself for carrying all the hate and anger around. It was really weighing me down. As for forgiving them, it will be a long, hard road before I get to that point. Trust me when I say that I won't make it easy, nor should I. HWSNBN can wait forever because forgiving him ain't going to happen anytime soon, if at all in this life time.

Anyway, this whole thought process started yesterday while I was getting my weekly massage. My therapist, who is the nicest person I have ever met (not to mention quite hot, if I may say so) and can read me like a book, sensed something was up. So, she asked me what my relationship was like with my Ex, and I told her it was perfect... that I thought the love we shared could surpass everything and anything, and it would be forever. I then asked her if she thought this wishful thinking. She made me realize that I was living true to my heart, and that's why I'm slowly healing. I asked her if she believed in everlasting love, love unconditional. She said, "Yes, if you are true to yourself, heart, & soul, and love is all you give, it will return to you stronger than ever. Live by the truth. This is what makes you special. Don't be something your not. Be true and you will reap the rewards."

I told her I now realize that what felt like a curse to me for such a long time is actually a gift. Things happen for a reason. People come to us at points in our lives when you need them most, and the ones that count will stay forever. I feel grateful for everyday that I have to be with the ones I love. Thank goodness for my weekly massages, too. Without this guide that I have found in my therapist, rebuilding the road of love would be an even longer process.

Thanks "A"! I am in "Ah" with you.

JB

From Best Friend To Ex Friend (aka, HWSNBN)

As I have already posted in previous blogs, my Ex & once-upon-a-time best friend (who I now refer to as HWSNBN, which is short for 'He Who Shall Not Be Named' --- all you Harry Potter fans know where I'm coming from), slept together behind my back, and neither of them had the guts to tell me, until my Ex supposedly came clean about the whole thing. I say supposedly came clean because they actually continued to perpetuate the lie for another six months. The full story only just unfolded this past week. Anyway...

HWSNBN has not told (or will ever tell) me the truth because he simply doesn't have the moral capacity to face me. How could he? HWSNBN spent the last year and half hanging out with me, working with me, (yeah, we worked together too), and being my confidant. I told him everything about my Ex. Everything, including the intimate stuff because he had little, if any, experience with women, and he was really taken by my experiences. Now I really understand why the cruel little boy was so interested.

I think about all those times that we sat and talked about my Ex, me crying about how upset I was, professing my love for her, and him listening & comforting me. Little did I know he would then go home & sleep with her. All those times he told me to get over her, forget her, and how she was this & that (he used harsh, degrading words to describe her), it was just for show. He had both my Ex & I confiding in him, and he used facts from both sides of the story to drive an even deeper wedge between me & my Ex. He made it seem like neither one of us wanted anything to do with the other.

HWSNBN was my best friend & I loved him like a brother, but he did something so cruel to me to get what he wanted. There was one thing that he didn't consider, though. He didn't think that maybe the 16 years that my Ex and I shared were important enough for her & I to get past what happened. Since she told me the whole truth, it turns out that those years are important enough.

HWSNBN played me when I was at the weakest moment in my life. He told me he cared for me, loved me, and would be there to help me pick up the pieces. Oh, he picked up the pieces alright, but only to turn around and use them to build his house of lies at my expense. (Shame on you, HWSNBN, shame!) Well, he better enjoy it while he can because it likely won't last for much longer. I used to tell HWSNBN that one day he would see what it was like to be in my shoes. I never knew that he wanted to be in them so badly. Guess I was wrong. Instead of finding a straight girl, he found himself in bed with my gay/bi ex. How strange life is. I guess being a 24 old boy dating a 37 old cougar has its benefits. Demi and Aston are going to be jealous of them. I guess this make HWSNBN a lesbian by default.

JB

Cotton Candy, Candy Apples, and Meow Meow

So, the Ex and I may have put some of our differences aside for the time being. I don't know if this will work out in any way, shape, or form, but I finally got an "I'm really sorry for all the bad things I have done to you over the last three years... I can't believe I treated you so badly, and I'm so, so sorry" from her. Better late than never, I guess. Or, maybe it's only because she has something else planned for me??? Being the skeptic that I am, I will continue to wear my full metal jacket (not the Stanley Kubrick movie Full Metal Jacket, good movie, by the way) just for sh*ts and giggles because six months ago (when I thought she was being nice) she only took the knife out of my back to turn around and plunge it into my chest. Talk about getting my signals crossed.

Anyway... I have planned a lovely afternoon for the both of us. As a surprise, I will be taking her to the local fair for some of what she loves most -- cotton candy and candy apples. If all goes well with kitten (hence the Meow Meow part of today's blog title), we will giggle like we did in the good old days, gossip about Brad, Angie, and the kids, who's wearing what in US and People magazine, Miss Sixty & all the fashionista stuff that we both love, and maybe somewhere along the way, she'll tell me why she (the 30-something cougar) is going to by a house with her little (barely 20-something) boy.

I guess now that she's made this huge life choice that she's the women that she's always wanted to be, she needs more in her life than ever before. Too bad it took two years & six months after the fact for all of this to transpire. I wonder what the real reasons are for this incredible turn of events. Why now? Why so soon after shoving our friendship and the love we had aside for three years? Oh, cotton candy, candy apples, and meow meow --- so sweet.

JB

Love: Can It Be This Simple?

Imagine writing down a thirteen line song and getting it so right. Well, John Lennon did just that. I was listening to his Working Class Hero CD, and heard the song Love for the first time. It’s not that I've never listened to the CD before. I bought it on iTunes about a year ago. What I mean is that last night I really 'heard' that song. I always thought it was hard to describe love, but it isn’t that complicated after all. The lyrics (which I posted below) are simple, yet they express everything that I've been feeling, but could not put into words. "Love is needing to be loved" -- I wish that I would have figured this out myself.

JB

===========================================

Love

Love is real, real is love
Love is feeling, feeling love
Love is wanting to be loved

Love is touch, touch is love
Love is reaching, reaching love
Love is asking to be loved

Love is you,
You and me
Love is knowing
We can be

Love is free, free is love
Love is living, living love
Love is needing to be loved

A Thought

To say Yes to life is at one and the same time to say Yes to oneself.

—Dag Hammarskjold

Black Blood: A Poem For My Love

A body full of sorrow and pain
Veins filled with black blood,
Skin dry and cracked,
Bones broken
A human with no core and no soul
This is the image in the mirror
Staring back at me, at you
Once in love, and now full of hate
Once whole, and now ripped in two
Where do you begin?
Where do I end?
One half me, one half you
I will never find my way back, nor will you
We are separate, but the same
We are never going to be the same
The rain no longer warm and soft
Instead, thick droplets of blood
Replace the love drained from my veins
All I see is your broken, cracked face,
Filled with pain and guilt,
Empty of truth, empty of love
How do we change this aching, bitter, cracked road,
This twisting, widening mess,
To get back to that place?
The gates of heaven or hell opened for us,
By us, to service us
I am bleeding in my heart,
Choking on chunks of blood...
Feeling your loss,
Feeling your pain,
Aching in vain
What have we become?
A bag of brittle bones,
Blood to ashes,
Hate to fear
What is it that you fear??!!!
Why do you hate me so?
Knife so deep,
Cracked my heart,
Ripped my soul
Swallowing black blood...
I hold your face in my gaze,
Tears dripping down,
Wishing that this road had an end
The blood has turned to dust and ashes
Good-bye is all that's left
The last drop of blood touches my lips on yours
Rest
Good-bye is my final word,
Written in blood on your lips
Good-bye
Until we meet again...
Angel with gilded wings,
Who saved my life a long time ago,
Then took my life without a second thought, look or embrace
With black blood on your wings and hands,
How do you love me again?

© 2008 JB. All rights reserved.

When Your Feeling Alone, Like No One Cares, Read This

I received the following message in an e-mail from my cousin. I was feeling really down and out after all that my Ex had put me through, and I guess it makes sense when you look at the big picture we call life. So, when you're feeling alone, like no one cares, read this because it's absolutely true.

• Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.
• At least fifteen people in this world love you.
• The only reason someone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
• There are at least two people in this world that would die for you.
• You mean the world to someone.
• Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
• When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
• When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look.
• Always remember the compliments you've received. Forget the rude remarks.

If there is anyone out there that knows who wrote this or where it originates from, I will credit the writer. When I called to ask my cousin where he got it, he told me it was part of a chain letter he had received & passed on. Gotta love chain emails. Well, at least this one made me feel better.

JB

Radiohead, Sleepless Nights, and Me!

I've been listening to Radiohead all morning. Well, since 5am. Couldn't sleep. Don't sleep much these days. I specifically chose the In Rainbows CD. It happens to be one of the best Radiohead CDs in my music collection. I bought the box set with the vinyl record, which is so awesome. The second CD is just as good. The songs that I love best are Nude, All I Need, and House of Cards. I think that Thom Yorke has an insight that most musicians dream of having. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of great bands out there, but Radiohead really speaks to me. You don't have to be a fan, but everyone should take a listen to them at least once. I would start with In Rainbows, then Amnesiac, Kid A, OK Computer, and finish with Hail to the Thief. It would be a good musical experience. In fact, iTunes has finally introduced the whole Radiohead catalogue, including some rare British EPs, which is great. So, check them out on iTunes. It'll be worth the listen. While you're there, check out a Radiohead video with Thom Yorke on piano doing a rendition of the song Down Is the New Up (it's on the second CD in the In Rainbows release). Great song and video. There is also a video of him on YouTube doing an acoustic version of the song The Rip from the new Portishead CD called Third. They're another great band that shouldn't be overlooked. Both versions of the song are good. The video for The Rip by Portishead is so beautiful. Check it out on YouTube.

Meanwhile, I found the Radiohead lyrics to the three songs that I love from In Rainbows. Check them out below.

JB

********************************************************

Nude

Don't get any big ideas,
They're not gonna happen
You paint yourself white
And feel up with noise
But there'll be something missing

Now that you've found it, it's gone,
Now that you feel it, you don't
You've gone off the rails

So don't get any big ideas
They're not going to happen
You'll go to hell for what your dirty mind is thinking

She stands stark naked and she beckons you to bed
Don't go, you'll only want to come back again


All I Need

I'm the next act
Waiting in the wings
I'm an animal
Trapped in your hot car
I am all the days that you choose to ignore

You are all I need
You are all I need
I'm in the middle of your picture
Lying in the reeds

I am a moth
Who just wants to share your light
I'm just an insect
Trying to get out of the night

I only stick with you
Because there are no others

You are all I need
You are all I need
I'm in the middle of your picture
Lying in the reeds

It's all wrong
It's all right
It's all wrong


House Of Cards

I don't want to be your friend
I just want to be your lover
No matter how it ends
No matter how it starts

Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine
Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine

Fall off the table
Get swept under
Denial, denial

The infrastructure will collapse
Voltage spikes
Throw your keys in the bowl
Kiss your husband goodnight

Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine
Forget about your house of cards
And I'll do mine

Fall off the table
And get swept under
Denial, denial
Denial, denial
Your ears should be burning
Denial, denial
Your ears should be burning
Denial, denial

11 Words & Their Forgotten Meanings

No one means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.

~ Henry Brooks Adams (The Education of Henry Adams, 1907)


I was thinking about this all day... about how we have forgotten the meaning of certain words, especially the eleven that I am about to define below. Here they are, in no particular order:


Love - a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person; a feeling of sexual desire and a passion

Honesty - freedom from deceit or fraud; truthfulness; sincerity or frankness

Respect - esteem for or sense of the worth or excellence of a person; a personnel quality or ability

Integrity -adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character and honesty

Friendship - the state of being a friend; association as friends; to value a person's friendship

Truth - the true or actual state of a matter; honesty, integrity, truthfulness

Commitment - the act of committing; a pledge or promise; obligation; engagement or involvement

Honour - honesty, fairness or integrity in one's belief's or actions

Moral - pertaining to or concerned with the principles or rules of right conduct or the distinction between right and wrong; ethical, moral attitudes

Virtue - moral excellence; goodness and righteousness

Soul - the principle of life, feeling, thought, and action in humans regarded as a distinct entity separate from the body and commonly held to be separable in the existence from the body; the spiritual part of humans as distinct from the physical part

(Thanks to http://www.dictionary.com/ for those definitions)

As the saying goes, actions speak louder than words, but it's words that are used to define our actions. So, when you find yourself about to use one of those eleven words above, ask yourself if it really expresses how you feel. For example, when you tell someone that you "love" them, do your actions towards that person reflect the definition of "love" -- or, are you simply using the word with total disregard for its actual meaning?

JB

A Thought

Freedom is not given to us by anyone; we have to cultivate it ourselves. It is a daily practice... No one can prevent you from being aware of each step you take or each breath in and breath out.
— Thich Nhat Hanh

A Thought

Every book tells a great story. Every face has a great story on it.

"For shame! Deny that thou bear’st love to any...." (Sonnet 10, Shakespeare)

Lately, I've been contemplating my love for my Ex. Was I truly in love, or was I in love with the idea of being in love? These particular questions were haunting me for about two weeks. So, what's a person to do? Well, I took a walk down memory lane and examined the relationship without being in denial about what I had or thought I had. What I came to realize is that the relationship was all me. I gave more then I received, I listened more then I was heard, and I got back half of what I put in. With that being said, was I simply living an illusion that I called a relationship? Was I really in love, or was I just in need of something that I could not give myself/get from myself? Are we really capable of love if we do not love ourselves? Love starts with us and ends with us. This is what I have learned from soul searching.

JB

A Thought For Today

The self is made, not given. It is a creative and active process of attending a life that must be heard, shaped, seen, said aloud into the world, finally enacted and woven into the lives of others.

- Barbara Myerhoff

Drifting Thoughts

I am filled with an emptiness that’s larger than an ocean blue across a vast horizon. Talking does not make me feel better. It only hurts more when the words don't come as easily as one may think. Talk, but nothing is coming out, only emptiness is left.

I can't express myself, can't find myself in this skin suit I'm wearing. I am only a shell of who I used to be. Where have I gone? Where do I begin to look for me?

Shall I light a fire so that I can find my way home? Shall I send out a message in a bottle? It's hard to describe to someone how you feel when you can't feel it yourself and the words have disappeared into the darkness of your mind.

Darkness is falling over my soul... the soul of a lost child, trapped in a grown woman’s body and who has never experienced childhood. I have absorbed the sins of my father and mother, and have been lost in their hell.

I want to escape this world, leave it for a beautiful paradise... fly up to the sky, release my chains into the wind, and be free... escape to that quiet place I so desire to find, where I can smell the scents of the earth all over my body and let it blanket me.

I would love to sleep and not wake... slumber deep into the night... drift into a place of limitless air, breathe warm breaths of heaven, and lie down in a pillow of fresh dew.

I have nothing left in me. I am being drained slowly day in and day out. Soon, I will be a shell of who I was, unrecognizable to me or you... nothing left but my hollow corpse of dried blood, cracked flesh, and broken bones.

What used to be has to end. Nothing is as it was. Let go and go forth without hesitation... love and be loved... stay strong and never look back.

I, you, we are only one, and one we will always be.

JB

What's Up With Pregnant Women & Parking Spots??

I really thought that today would be business as usual for me. I went to run some errands & do some other mundane stuff. Yup, pretty boring for a Thursday, until I decided to go to the grocery store to buy some soft drinks (that's pop or soda, for those of you wondering what the h*ll I'm talking about). They were on sale, so I bought ten cases (stop wondering who drinks ten cases of soft drinks... it's for work, not for me). OK, but I am getting ahead of myself, so let me back up to when we (my mom was with me) pulled into the grocery store parking lot. I saw that it wasn't busy, so I decided that I would park as close as I could to the door. The shorter the distance that I had to push two shopping carts full of heavy soft drink cases, the better is what I was thinking. Obviously, that wasn't my first time buying ten cases of soft drinks all at once, so that's how I knew it would take two carts to bring the cases out to the car.

Anyway, as I was saying, I wanted to park close by, so I decided to park in a spot meant for pregnant women, the third one from the end, just in case an expecting mom needed to be closer to the door than me. Better than taking a spot reserved for someone with a disability was my thought. I also made sure that the three designated spots on the other side of the lot where empty. I took the whole pregnant lady thing seriously, thinking CYA (cover your ass).

About 15 minutes later, I was in the checkout line with my ten cases of soft drinks, and I was greeted by a cashier, a young guy who looked like he just fell of a banana boat. Heck, even his t-shirt had bananas on it.

Cashier: (noticing my ten cases) Miss, it's only 3 cases per family.

Me: (as politely as possible) I'm actually buying some for 2 other families (just a wee white lie) who can't drive.

Cashier: Cool, dude

Me: Pardon, cool who?

Cashier: You, dude.

Me: (trying not to laugh) Listen, (do you see a bong hanging off of my purse, dude, I thought to myself) can you please ring this through? I'm in a rush.

Cashier: Sure, dude.

It was obvious that he didn't have two brain cells left to rub together, and thank God for checkout scanners because I don't think he could count to ten.

After I finished, I went ahead to the car while my mother was having her items rung up by the cashier. As I was loading the soft drink cases into the trunk, I heard the most annoying voice start chattering away. I looked up, and there was a pregnant woman holding a bag full of ice cream (it was on sale, 3 cartons for 5 bucks) waving a finger at me.

Pregnant Woman: You know this spot is reserved for pregnant women.

Me: (nothing, I just looked at her and her wagging finger)

Pregnant Woman: This spot is reserved for pregnant women.

Me: Yes, Mam, I heard you the first time.

Pregnant Woman: You are not pregnant.

Me: Did the ten cases of soft drinks give me away?

Needless to say, that remark didn't go over well.

Pregnant Woman: (yelling) You know, pregnant women need their parking spots too!

On and on she went. I felt like Charlie Brown listening to his teacher wah, wah, wah away at me.

Me: (interrupting her) Why are you yelling at me?

Pregnant Woman: Excuse me?

Me: (this is what you get for yelling, Miss Thing) Instead of giving me a lecture about parking, why don't you help me put my stuff in my car?

Pregnant Woman: (nothing, just totally stunned that I just said that to her)

Me: Look around you. All of the other spots designated for pregnant women are empty. You're yelling at me about parking here, but you parked your car in a regular spot beside those empty ones designated for pregnant women. Does that make any sense?

Obviously, it didn't matter if it made any sense because she got super pissed off, and proceeded to call me names in a voice that got increasingly shrill with each nasty word that came out of her mouth. Frankly, she should have saved her breath because I couldn't make out a damn that thing she was saying at that insanely high speed frequency to begin with. The whole thing was so unreal, it was hysterical, and I started laughing. Even after she got in her car, slammed the door, and took off, I was still laughing. Meanwhile, my mother had walked out of the grocery store just in time to hear the end of pregnant lady's little tirade & watch her zoom away.

Mother: What's going on, JB? Who 's that lady that drive out of here like a crazy?

Me: She's pregnant, ma. She thinks I took her parking spot.

Mother: What you taking about? (pointing toward all the empty parking spaces) Look all the place she can park close by.

Me: I know, ma.

Mother: I think having baby making her go crazy.

Yeah, note to self, don't piss off a pregnant woman who just went to the grocery store to buy ice cream.

JB

*67 This, Biatch!

It's 3 o'clock in the morning, and it's my fourth night of no sleep. I'm feeling a little mad and jittery. I got a real hate-on for the Ex-girlfriend and the ex-friend. Ex-girlfriend lives with ex-friend. Yeah, she fell on his penis by accident & they both forgot to tell me about it until a year and half later.

Anyway.... I took it upon myself to*67 their asses six times. That's right, *67. If I can't sleep, why should they get to be deep in slumberland while I contemplate how freakin' tried I am of their bullsh*t? Sleep deprivation does crazy things to the mind. I was dialing the number wondering what I would say if she or he answered, but then it dawned on me that he's a freaking stoner & couldn't wake up if you dropped a bong on him, especially at that hour. Meanwhile, she wouldn't go down a flight of stairs to answer a phone if there wasn't a gift waiting for her at the end of them. So, I dialed and redialed.... No one answered, but I felt really good because there was still the hope that I at least woke her up.

I never would have thought of myself as *67 kinda girl, but I liked it a lot. I thought, why not? It's there to use, right? Someone must have come up with *67 when they had a hate-on for their ex, so why not use it for the purpose that it was invented for? Thank-you, *67, for finally helping me get some sleep.

JB

Dealing

There is a great Marilyn Manson song that I have been listening to called "The Speed of Pain" (it's on the Mechanical Animals CD), Please, do yourself a favour and take a listen to it if you've been searching for words to describe the pain that was inflicted upon you by someone you loved. My fave line in the song is "I wish I could sleep, but I can't lay on my back because there's a knife for everyday that I've known you." This line sums it up for me, today at least. Perhaps, tomorrow, when I pull one of the 4745 knifes out of my back and wash the black blood off, I may feel a little better about it. For now, Marilyn Manson and Eckhart Tolle are my two closest friends. If you are wondering how they fit together, they just do.

Meanwhile, this story, my story, has so many layers, so many characters, that it will take some time unfold in its entirety. Getting dumped has offered me a way of dealing with the hurt and the betrayal in so many new ways. I think this will be a good journey for me and whoever else wants to tag along. Just remember to be careful what you wish for because it may not be what you really want

JB

A Thought

"Fearlessness may be a gift but perhaps more precious is the courage acquired through endeavour, courage that comes from cultivating the habit of refusing to let fear dictate one's actions...." ---Aung San Suu Kyi

Truth & Consequences

There comes a point in time where people pause to take inventory of all the good and bad in their life so far. They think about who & what they have faced and why. I find this strange, bewildering, and pretty much full of crap because all I see are people acting without thinking about others, i.e. about what their actions really entail or do to others. I see people simply doing whatever they want, when they want, and then going around blaming others when they screw up. Well, I say, poor you. You got what was coming to you and now DEAL, STUPID! It's called karma. What you put out will eventually come back to smack you in the face.

So, I wonder, do people really take responsibility for their actions, for their life decisions, or do they simply play the avoidance game, the blame game, the 'I hope it goes away if I ignore it long enough' game? I am laughing at those people right now because you know it does not work. Eventually, you have to fess up and deal.

I also wonder what happens when the truth finally does lift up its little head through the denial hole that it was shoved so deep into. Is lying and denying the way for people to deal with or avoid whatever is bogging them down? I'm pretty sure that there has to be a better outlet than this for all you back-stabbing, lying, cruel, insensitive, diabolical puppet masters of the world.

JB

The Other Side

When you haven't been on a date in years, it's kinda strange to be sitting in front of someone who is essentially about give you an interview. For some people, dating has become a sport. Exactly how many times do you play the dating game before you meet the person who wows you? Well, I say it's going to take a while because, as far as I can tell, people are lost. They don't know what they want and they don't know what they have until it's gone.

Here's the scoop about me: I was in love, I got dumped, and I've recently started dating again. All I have to say about dating at my age is that everyone has a story. In fact, they all seem to have similar stories --- married once, husband cheated or stopped loving them, they had children, and now they are restarting their lives. I do my best to listen because a lot of these women need someone just to listen to them, but it's weird because all of these women are coming from relationships with men, and going to a man-free zone on the "other side" -- my side. It's like these women think that it's better to be with women than with men, and that's where I come in and try to explain that it's all the same. Women are not better than men; they are the same. Just because you think it's better to be with a woman, doesn't mean that you're going to be immune to being hurt by one. Nobody gets by unscathed when love fails, no matter what side you're bating for. Hurt is hurt. Man or woman, it will hurt. That's it.

Anyway, on and on they go, and I sit & listen, and wonder what the h*ll I'm doing there. I am not going on a training mission for straight women who want to change sides because their husbands f*cked them over, so they're going to show them, or me, or God, or the cat, or the dog, or h*ll if I know that they can finally be themselves --- gay, happy, and free. I don't think so, ladies. It does not work like that, and, as I said before, someone always gets hurt in the end. When I ask these women if they've actually ever been with a woman, usually they tell me that they had an experience in high school, or when they were in college or university. My fave answer has to be when they tell me that they always knew that they were attracted to women. OK, right, but you still got married and had kids?? When I ask these women what they're looking for right now, the answers are even better... not. Most of them say that they are looking for someone who will love them for who they are. Right, but do you even know who that is?? Oh, and I just love it when they tell me that they're looking for their "sweetie." What the h*ll is that?? "My sweetie" -- please, spare me! When they talk like that I wonder if being straight has affected their brains. If it's not those type of responses coming out of their mouths, I get this deep philosophical bullsh*t that makes no sense whatsoever, and I just smile and say, "Yeah, yeah, I get where you're coming from (and I can't wait to get the h*ll away from you because if you're coming over to my side, I'm going to find a boyfriend)." Please, don't ever wonder why men are gay. Women do it to them. Women are not in their right minds, especially when they have their period. I know this because I am a woman.

So, yeah, dating... I will keep discovering who is really "out" -- or -- who thinks they should be. I will try to keep the straight ones on the straight path, but if a few slip by at least I will have given them enough tools to get them started on their lesbian super adventure.

JB