Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Leader: Hi JB, welcome back.
Me: Holy sh*t! Not again!
Leader: Why are you so surprised that you're here again?
Me: (this is not happening, this is not happening, this is not happening...)
Leader: I know what you're thinking. You want to know why you are here, instead of in our den or on the beach.
Me: (no, I'm thinking...) Mommy!!!!!!!
Leader: Your mommy can't help you, JB.
Me: Mommy, hello!!!
Leader: JB, don't be scared. You're here for a reason. Do you want to know?
Me: This is nuts. Please, someone, helllllooooooo!!! Crazy bunny at 3 o'clock!!!
Leader: Wise cracks, JB, that's just like you.
Me: (nothing... just staring back)
Leader: You are on the right path now. You finally did what you needed to do.
Me: What path? What did I do?
Leader: You got rid of the last obstacle that was standing in the way to your new life.
OK, people, now this is where things get really freaky. For some reason, something about the way the bunny was looking at me was making me look even deeper into its eyes. Suddenly, I realized that the bunny was a woman... a woman named Beena. We work together at the deli. She is Muslim and is always telling me how much faith I have. According to her, I'm on the right track & she knows this because she can see right through me. She says that she can feel my strength & that I am her soldier of truth and love. She also says that I have changed all the people who work at the deli.
Me: Uh... Beena?
Leader/Beena: Yes, JB.
JB: Really? Beena, it's you?
Leader/Beena: Yes. I told you people come into your life for a reason, JB. I am your guide. Are you starting to see it now? Have you opened your mind to the possibility that you're exactly where you're supposed to be?
Me: But in the first dream, I hadn't even met you yet. What about your clan?
Leader/Beena: Like you, they are just others who have found their way. Your purpose now is to help Jade (another woman who works with me). It's why we're both where we are.
Me: Jade? Why her?
Leader/Beena: Because, JB, she needs you more then you can imagine. It's your purpose. Do not sway from it because it will get you to the next step in your journey.
Me: But she hates me. She told me I'm egotistical, and selfish, and...
Leader/Beena: No, she doesn't mean those words. What she really wants is to be like you.
Me: Are you really sure I'm supposed to help her?
Me: Hmm.... You know, you look really weird as a bunny.
Leader/Beena: Yes, but we can't help how we are revealed to one another.
We didn't say anything after that. I just kept looking at her and she kept looking back at me, and then I was awake. I'm freakin' losing it, I thought to myself as I lay there in the dark. Beena the bunny says Jade the hater needs my help. This should be interesting. How do you help someone who's flat out told you that they don't like you?
Friday, April 24, 2009
You see what I have to put up with? Well, that's not all. No, when Paul's done beating his love drum, he starts making these throaty kind of noises that make him sound like the ghost character in The Grudge movie. Can you say 'creepy'?? If I was a female woodpecker, there's no way in h*ll I'd go anywhere near him when he's doing that -- no way. He seriously needs to switch up his game because his current mating technique just isn't working. Maybe he needs to stop drumming. Yeah, I think he needs to start plucking away at the hydro lines or something. I'm pretty sure that women think guitarists are hotter than drummers. Am I right, ladies?
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Neno's award is given to those who love blogging & love to encourage friendships through blogging. It also seeks to know the reasons why the person being awarded loves blogging.
So, first things first. Why do I love blogging? Well, I started blogging because I was broken and feeling helpless, and I desperately needed an avenue to express myself. I went to therapy, did my yoga, and tried all kinds of other things too, but nothing was really helping until I started blogging. Blogging saved my life, it really did. I mean it. I was on the verge of suicide, but one morning I called Eddy and told her that I wanted to start a blog or something because I needed an outlet. Well, in a couple of hours, Eddy got me up and running & I haven't looked back since. I wrote out all the pain, despair, anger, everything. I wrote until I cried over all that I lost, and somehow, little by little, I gained so much more. I got my life back!! Not only that, I've made so many wonderful new friends. I started healing from my pain because complete strangers took the time to read what I had to say & to leave me messages of encouragement, hope, and love. You have no idea how much that means to me & I thank you all so much. I will never forget what you've done for me & continue to do for me. Lastly, the most amazing thing out of all this is my relationship with my super great cuz, Eddy. Without her help, her pushing me to write, and telling me to get to it, I could never have come this far. So, with great love and appreciation, thank you, Eddy. It's all because of you that I’m able to forge this new road. Thank-you, and I promise that I'm going to buy a better dictionary & that I will use less commas when I'm writing my drafts. LOL
Now, I'm to pass the Neno's award on to as many bloggers as I choose. Those of you selected must then do the following:
1. Collect the award by saving the badge & posting it on your blog
2. Write a blog post about the Neno's award -- tell everyone what it's about, who awarded it to you, and also tell everyone why you love blogging
3. Pass the award on to as many bloggers as you like by naming them in your post & linking back to their blogs
4. Let those bloggers know that they have been awarded
I have chosen the following bloggers as Neno's award recipients:
Court at Tangles Out
Polly at Polly Abroad
Monday, April 20, 2009
Friday, April 17, 2009
I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN FOUR F**KING NIGHTS!!!! FOUR F**KING NIGHTS, PEOPLE!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!
There is a woodpecker that's been pecking away at the drainpipe that runs along the side of my house just outside my bedroom window. F**K!!!!!!!!!! I am not happy, not happy at all, and I hate that damn bird with all of my f**king might right now. My roommate thinks it's funny because he can't hear a damn thing from his room. Nope, only I've had to listen to that freakin' bird beating it's f**cking love drum (explained below, just stay with me) at 4:30am. As if I want to get up at the crack of piss-crow with the little pecker. STOP IT!!!!!!
Anyway, this morning, while I lay in bed thinking about how to kill the damn bird, my roommate came to tell me that he figured out why it's been pecking away (at my sanity).
Roomie: (knocking on my bedroom door)
Me: Yeah, come in.
Roomie: (entering) Hey, so, the woodpecker is still with us.
Me: No shit, Sherlock. I can hear the little bastard.
Roomie: Oh, yeah, he's right by your window. I can’t hear him, sorry.
Me: Sorry, my a**. What the h*ll do you want, really?
Roomie: I know why he's doing it. I Googled it.
Me: (if looks could kill, the guy would be dead, the smarta** little sh*t) Please, do tell, since you're sleeping so well.
Roomie: He's looking for a mate.
Me: So, what, am I supposed to care about his lack of lovers? Get the h*ll out of here.
Roomie: He's mating. It's cute, don’t you think?
Me: Ahhhhh!!!!!!!!!! You insane idiot!!!!! Tomorrow morning, I'm going to open my window & start throwing all the knives from my $1000 knife set at that bird until I hit him dead on his bird face!! Do you hear me??
Roomie: You can't do that. Birds are protected animals. JB, you need to calm down.
Me: Protected??? Calm down???
Roomie: You can't just start throwing knives out the window. What about the neighbors?
Me: The neighbors?? What about my sleep, health, sanity, you freakin' moron!! Screw them! Think of yourself, or I’ll throw you outside.
Roomie: I emailed the lady at the newspaper.
Me: (did he just say newspaper?) What? Why? So, she can bore the bird to death with the local news? Or, maybe she plans to beat him to death with the paper?
Roomie: No, she's a bird expert. She told me the reasons.
Me: Seriously, dude, go f**k yourself and her too. Get rid of that bird, or I’m going Rambo 1, 2 and 3 on all your a**es!
Roomie: Maybe the bird will find a mate before that happens. Besides, I like my a** & I need it for mating. (he starts laughing)
Me: (giggling at how totally stupid funny he just was) Well, woodpecker lover, the little sh*t has 24-hours to get his pecking packed and gone with his new mate, or else....
Roomie: JB, you can't kill it.
Me: Why, are you going to stop me?
Roomie: I’ll figure something out, I swear to you. I know when you say something, you’ll do it. Just please don't, OK?
Me: Like I said, you got 24 hours, or I'm coming to you at 4:30am and banging up on your bedroom window, naked, with my box right in full view. Are you getting a visual, hmm??
Roomie: Oh, for the love of God, not your box!
Me: Yeah, the box... all Brazilianed (is that even a word? whatever...) and nice just for you. Are you still liking that bird now? 24 hours... that’s what you have.
Back downstairs he went and got on the phone with God knows who to figure out what to do about the woodpecker. Meanwhile, what do I hear as I'm rolling out of bed to make my way to the bathroom? Pecking. PECKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm telling you, people, that bird is dead. D-E-A-D... dead.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Manager: (who was standing beside me at the time, nudges me and whispers) Watch out for that old lady.
Me: (glancing in the direction my manager was looking) Who? (seeing the old woman) Her? She’s really nice.
Manager: Oh, you think?
Me: Yeah, why?
Manager: She’s a shoplifter.
Me: (stunned) What??
Manager: Not only that, she’s the leader of an entire gang of old folks who steal.
Me: (super duper stunned) WHAT??!!
Manager: It’s true.
Me: OMG, how many of them are there?
Manager: Including Anna, there are six.
Me: Anna?? You know her name?
Manager: Oh, yeah. Anna & her gang made the paper for stealing from one end of the city to the other.
Me: Seriously? They steal citywide?
Manager: Yup. They all come in together, but only one does the actual stealing because the rest are busy causing some sort of distraction so that everyone comes to the rescue of old folks in distress.
Me: (laughing) OMG, that is so crazy!! What the h*ll are they stealing?
Manager: Meat, cheese, milk… You name it, they steal it.
Me: (still laughing) Holy crap!
Manager: I can't believe you haven't seen them in the winter. Anna wears this big fur coat with inside pockets and she stashes meat in them.
Me: (practically on the floor laughing) Fur coat??!! Meat??!!
Manager: Yup, they really got a thing for meat.
Me: OMG, what do they do with it?
Manager: They go back to the retirement home and sell their stolen goods to the other old people… with a mark up.
Me: WHAT?? They do not!! No!!!
Manager: I'm totally serious.
Me: OMG, I have to ask my sister if she’s seen them in her store.
Manager: I wouldn't doubt it.
When I got home, the first thing I did was call up my sister to ask about Anna & her gang. Being the know-it-all that my sister is, I should have known that she’d heard about them long before I did.
Sister: Uh, yeah, stupid (oh, how she loves me), it’s the same bunch of old folks that steal from stores in our end of the city.
Me: Are you kidding me? They go all the way to where you are too?
Sister: Sure, they were here last week. They go from one end of the city to the other so they don't get caught.
Me: Holy sh*t!!
Sister: We know about them though, so our floor walkers (i.e. undercover security) stay right behind them all the time.
Me: But they're old people.
Sister: And they’re f**kin' evil! (OK, easy, girl) They resell what they steal to their old friends for double the cost.
Me: Geez, it's like a fu**ked up version of Robin Hood.
Sister: (laughing) Yeah, pretty much.
After I hung up the phone, I sat back & tried to make sense of it all. I mean, what the heck is going on? Could it be that Anna and her gang are so bored that they have to get their kicks by stealing? Are things so bad in their retirement home that they have to steal food & other items? I don't know what to think.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Monday, April 6, 2009