Friday, March 20, 2009

Customer of the Week: She-Man

I've been bringing you customer requests of the week for a little while now, but today I'm going to switch things up because it wasn't the request that struck me, but the person making the request. At the time, I was headfirst in the deli counter fridge organizing the hams, so I didn't even see this person coming. I just heard tapping on the glass, and that's what made me look up. Standing there was… Well… I have no idea.

She? He? Pat from SNL? Seriously, I couldn't tell, and her/his googly eyes (you know, one eye that looks one way, while the other is looking for God knows what), were only adding to my confusion. She-Man, I thought to myself, trying to look as natural as possible as I attempted to make a more accurate ID.

She-Man: Good morning, how are you today?

Me: (Holy freakin' Darth Vader voice!!!!!) Ah, good (liar, liar, pants on fire). How can I help you?

She-Man: I would like 500 grams...

Me: ('Luke, I am your father.')

She-Man: ...of Black Forest ham.

Me: (focus, JB, focus) OK, shaved or sliced?

She-Man: Hold on there, little lady. I'm not done giving you my order.

Me: (OMG, please don't eat me!! Isn't it bad enough that your James Earl Jones voice just about gave me a freakin' heart attack a few seconds ago?) Oh… OK.

She-Man: What's the big hurry? Are you trying to get rid of me?

Me: (yes… slowly backing away from the counter as She-Man starts laughing at her/his own joke in the deepest, most robust laugh I have ever heard ...holy crap) What else can I get you?

She-Man: I'd also like 400 grams of mock chicken, and 500 grams of turkey, the seasoned kind. That's it.

Me: (catching the 'ha, ha, sucker!' expression on my co-worker's face coming at me from the corner of my eye) No problem. (he better quit it before She-Man notices, or we're deli meat) Will that be shaved or sliced?

She-Man: Shaved, of course.

Me: (you could use a shave) Of course...

As I stood there shaving the meats, I glanced as inconspicuously as possible over the slicer trying to make a positive gender ID, but her/his generic green sweatshirt & black pants gave me little to go on. Suddenly, She-Man caught me looking with her/his wondering eye and gave me a little smile that made me shudder right down to my toes. There were no pearly whites in her/his mouth, just a whole lot of yellow. I half smiled in return, and then focused my attention back on the slicer.

As I placed the first package of deli meat on the counter, She-Man grabbed it faster than I could blink. OMG, I have never seen such huge hands!! They could have covered my face and suffocated me.

She-Man: Thanks, that's great.

Me: (just nodding as I made my way back over to the slicer)

She-Man: You're new here, right?

Me: (uh oh, an observation that can only mean one thing --- it wasn't She-Man's first visit to the deli, and not likely the last) Yes.

She-Man: I know because I shop here all the time

Me: (my fear confirmed) Great.

She-Man: Where do you come from?

Me: (I think the real question is where do you come from?) Here. (not much of an answer, but the less specific, the better)

She-Man: Oh, good.

Me: (clearly less specific was the way to go) Here you are (placing the other two packages on the counter).

She-Man: (practically taking my hands along with the deli meat) Thank you. You're a good clerk. I liked your service.

Me: Um, thanks for the kind words.

She-Man: (leaning over the counter and whispering) I don't like the other girls that work here. They stare at me. I know this for a fact.

Me: (gee, I wonder why, I thought, holding my breath as I backed away ever so slightly) I'm happy you enjoyed my service. (now, please go because I'm terrified you might ask me out)

She-Man: See you again soon.

Dear God, please, no.

JB

60 comments:

  1. She-Man subtext: I know I'm super-strange and all, and I know you know I'm super-strange, but I still want everyone to pretend that I'm not. And if you can in fact do just that, it turns me on...

    Or something like that! ;)

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  2. Did you hear the Psycho theme song at all during the transaction?

    Funny!

    Peace - Rene

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  3. I have a feeling you will be seeing a lot of that "person"

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  4. "(you could use a shave) Of course."

    Very funny. I lost a little beer on that one.

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  5. You could always hope that she/he is a he/he. Or that she/he already has a significant other and is happy in that relationship.

    You could always hope....

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  6. @svasti..look I'm still reeling from the visit of she/he. I feel I had a spiritaul moment with him/her or she/he whatever I'm still confused.

    Huggs
    JB

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  7. Jerry....welcome back I miss you and I don't miss he/she like I miss you. Marty Feldman has a brother???? hahah. Thanks for the visit.

    Huggs
    JB

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  8. Rene...I heard the Jaws theme song when she started to get closer to the counter and ask me questions ahhhhhh.....she/me don't bite me please.....hahaha. I know Rene it takes alot of people to make up this world but why do they always end up at my freaking counter.

    Huggs
    JB

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  9. IB...if you think I need a shave you should have seen her moustache that was hiding her nice yellow chops ahhhhhhhhhhhh....what a mess she/he was. I think I needed a shot of JD after I finished with her and the ham lololoooolllll. Sorry about your beer I owe you a cold one..... Thanks for dropping by.

    Huggs
    JB

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  10. @delizcious............not if I can help it. Anyhow I don't know if she can see me with that one stray eye she has lololol.

    Huggs
    JB

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  11. @stef...I love your blog also. I'm happy I can make you laugh. I know it's not nice to laugh at people but she/he was really a good story and I needed to share it with you guys.

    I was really nice to she/he but the story was already being written as she was placing her order with me, Stef...lololol. I hope all is good with you. I'm coming by to read your last post ok.

    Huggs
    JB

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  12. @breath.....I know that there is always hope for she/he or he/he or he/she.....I'm holding on to hope.

    Huggs
    JB

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  13. LOL @ 'they stare at me'. Even if that was true, would someone admit it? It must be awful to be s/he(it).

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  14. ahhh I needed this tonight, you have no idea



    xoxo MG

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  15. Brilliant! You should see my local supermarket. I think I've seen She-man in there. :o)

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  16. right, the season's are changing, so maybe in the near future you'll be able to determine....

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  17. I wish you had a picture of THAT!!! :D
    hahaha..

    Poor you Jb!
    Did u get my email dear?

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  18. That's happened to me before, very uncomfortable. I hope it gets easier next time.

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  19. OMG, I loved your commentary to the conversation, but she-man would've definitely freaked me out! You did well!! x

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  20. I lol'd
    Hope that next time it will be funnier, please post it. "Shaved, of course" like it was supposed to be a natural move for you to shave the meat and dont slice it. She-Man is a freak

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  21. You are such a funny and talented person. I am still here.

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  22. @JP....the the other 2 girls that I work with are actually really not that nice. I guess, she/he felt like sharing a moment with me. I get that alot from people that sharing thing, it must be my smell???...I guess.

    Huggs
    JB

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  23. @amandagrace......I'm always ready to deliver a little bit of funny to you. Thanks to my wacked out customers and they're wacky ways.

    Huggs
    JB

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  24. @anna....sheman is everywhere and I can't wait to see sheman again. I mean this job has so many stories how can I not share it with my bloggers. God I love my job...lololol.

    Huggs
    JB

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  25. haha i love these!!
    and i will never again be able to forget MOCK CHICKEN!!

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  26. @shadow...you really think so....or are you trying to make me feel better. Tis the season I guess or not.

    Huggs
    JB

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  27. @indi...got your email and sent you one. I can get you a picture but I don't think she/he would let me just take a picture, unless I put my arms around she/he and I love you.... indi but not that much sorryyyy...friend lololol.

    Huggs
    JB

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  28. @LLnL...I don't mind, it makes for better story telling. If everyone that came up to my counter, was boring and the same, what the hell would I write about ME....that would get tried after awhile...lolol. I do me every once in a while but she/he so much better then ME.....hands down.

    Huggs
    JB

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  29. @Jen...this job rocks the house, trust me when I tell you this. You should see the sunday night crack mommies that come in and try to seal hahahahah for they're fix. She/he is not so freaky compared to the others(not the Nicloe Kidman movie or maybe they're from the movie..mmm??) hahaha. Thanks for dropping by.

    Huggs
    JB

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  30. @Lazy...I call then as I see them and yes she'll be back sooner then I want I can feel it coming on this week. Shaved!!!!!!!!!!I know what the hell. When I said that, I thought, you should shave your face she/he man!!!!!!WTF...lololol.

    Lazy, I know it's not nice, to laugh at people, but I was really nice to she/he no matter what. It dosen't mean I can't write about it.

    Huggs
    JB

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  31. @J.T....thank-you for the nice comment. I couldn't write these stories without the help from my customers...who don't know i write about them...mmmm....I wonder if they would like the stories????

    I imagine not... lololol. Thanks for reading.

    Huggs
    JB

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  32. @maggie may...oh dear...she/he for sure. Thanks for dropping by maggie. I stopped by your blog really wonderful. Thanks for the comments.....dear oh....

    Huggs
    JB

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  33. @floreta....shaved ham...mock chicken and the stories won't stop until i quit my job. I love your hair cut miss....floreta you look freaking awesome girl!!!! Thanks for always reading.

    Huggs
    JB

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  34. ... Oh god. I think you just rendered me speechless...

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  35. 'See ya again!'
    'No, god no.'

    ITS PAT!

    hilarious post SFBF

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  36. HAHAHA...I SO love coming to your blog for the customer stories. Always lifts my spirits!!! SO funny! hee hee hee

    **hugs**

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  37. OMgosh JB, thank you for the laughs -thi is so hilarious. Wow, wow, wow, I kept wainting to quote bits but couldn't as it was all so well put. I love the bit about "I think the real question is where do you come from?" and "I wonder why" adn fear of being asked out! Now, that relaly would be a change for you! LOL. boy, I don't know what yo think of that guy--pretty sure it was a guy in drag or at least I hope so. If a woman, that would be so hard to have such a vadar voice.

    Anyway, I can't stop chuckling.

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  38. Svasti is so right! Ive heard that before.

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  39. "I know Rene it takes alot of people to make up this world but why do they always end up at my freaking counter?"
    --oh gosh, that is funny too. hahahha.

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  40. It seems mock chicken has conquered the world and all genders in it, even the unidentifiable ones.

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  41. OMG!

    Girl... only you could make laugh this hard today! :)

    Thanks for that!

    Love,

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  42. I really hope that this person's eyes/voice/teeth were as super-creepy as you described, because if this was all based on not being able to gender ID someone, that would be...disappointing.

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  43. @cheryl..imagine how speechless I was feeling, hahaha...you just cracked me up. Thanks for stopping in my little ninja.

    Huggs
    JB

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  44. @rob AKA SFBF...the photo of, creepy make-up grannie, still beats, she/he by at least hundred miles. You win this round, SFBF and she will be back hahahah.

    Huggs
    JB

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  45. @Paris...I'm happy that I can make you laugh. I can't wait for sheman's return to give you another good one. Take good care Paris.

    Huggs
    JB

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  46. @Mmmm...well, 3 comments for me and one for you. The deli business, change's like the seasons. When the season's start to change, I think I'm going to need some special equipment to deal with it...a helmet, knee pads and maybe a mouth guard.

    Too the change of season's and deli meats Mmmmm....cheers!!!

    Huggs
    JB

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  47. @letters...yeah, I looked but the larger then life winter coat zipped up to sheman's adams apple sorta didn't help. Thanks for the tip.

    Huggs
    JB

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  48. @Ken...yeah!!!! to mock chicken and the ID challenged...lololol. Thanks for stopping in. I think that mock chicken, is morphing people into well, I don't know!!!!!!

    Huggs
    JB

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  49. @izzie...your very welcome. Izzie this is what I'm here for, a good laugh, when you need it most.

    Huggs
    JB

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  50. @chosha...Id or not, sheman was creepy, but sheman was also kind hearted. I could feel it as we spoke....so Id or not, I fell for sheman's creepy and scary charm....OK now....that I got that off my chest, I feel better. Thanks for dropping in on me.

    Huggs
    JB

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  51. @chrissy...imagine being there. Thanks for dropping in to leave a comment.

    Peace
    JB

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  52. Wait ... why oh why did s/he order the mock chicken!!!!!

    That freaked me out as much as the Darth Vader voice.

    LOL.

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  53. @Anita....nice to see you drop by. Yeah it was a special Star Wars moment. I was waiting for luke and cheweee to come up to my counter to meet up with she/he. Hope your doing good Anita and may the force be with you....Ahhhh....

    Huggs
    JB

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  54. OMG JB that was hilarious and creepy at the same time! I was completely freaked out while reading this..haha.

    <3
    -Gina :)
    (P.S. today is catch up with JB day....lol)

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  55. To be honest, a few years ago I had a class with a cute blondie with a wandering eye, and probably because I'm insane and pathetic, I thought it was sexy in a messed-up what's-wrong-with-me kind of way.

    Although maybe I thought it was sexy because she looked at me all the time, and men like that.

    Or maybe she didn't look at me at all. Who knows?

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Thanks so much for taking the time to leave a comment. Check back for my response and/or Eddy's. We love hearing from you! Peace, JB (blog owner) and Eddy ("super great cuz" & frequent guest blogger)

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