Customer of the Week: Fake Tan Lady

The other day I looked up from the desserts I was working on to see a reddish-orange looking woman making her way to the bakery. When she got to the counter it was clear that she went a little overboard with a self tanning product. Yikes!! If the fake tan wasn't bad enough, she had a young child with her who thought our display case made for a really great drum. The kid would not stop banging his little hands on the glass while his mother browsed the cakes featured inside. You think that she would tell the child to stop because, oh, I don't know, banging on glass is dangerous. Nope, she just let the kid pound away. Since I was busy, Drey (my co-worker) went over to see what the woman wanted & to get the child to stop fooling around.

Drey: Hi, Mam. Could you please stop your child from banging on the glass.

FTL: (ignoring Drey's request) I want a birthday cake with "Happy Birthday, John" written on it.

Drey: Sure, but please stop your child from banging on the glass. It's dangerous.

FTL: (finally pulling her child aside) I want a chocolate cake.

Drey: OK, which one?

FTL: That one on the left.

Drey pulled out a round chocolate cake and made her way over to the table where I was working. She started writing on the cake, got to the "J" in John, when...

FTL: Stop! I changed my mind. I want a white one.

Me: (WTF???? Yell a little louder, lady.)

Drey: Mam, I already started writing on it. I just have to finish the name.

FTL: But I want white one.

Me: (my cue to say something) Mam, you watched her write on the cake. Why didn't you stop her before she started?

FTL: Just scrape off the writing and put it back in the display case.

Me: (gee, thanks for telling me how to do my job) Mam, we can't do that.

FTL: Well, I want a white one.

Me: (and I'd like to smack you silly) Are you sure?

FTL: Yes.

Me: (turning to speak to Drey) Go ahead and get a white one.

Drey comes back to the table with a round white cake and starts writing. Again, she got to the "J" in John, and...

FTL: Stop!

Me: (is she f**king serious?) Mam??

FTL: I want the chocolate one.

Me: (OMG, what the hell is her problem??) Mam...

FTL: You know, I'll take them both.

Me: (both? huh?) Are you sure, Mam?

FTL: Yes.

Me: (right, like the last time) Are you really sure?

FTL: Yes.

Me: (nothing, just a quick nod at Drey who was waiting for my go ahead)

FTL: Hey, can u give my kid a cookie?

Me: (she did not just ask me that) No, we can't.

FTL: Why not?

Me: (leaving the desserts I was working on & making my way over to the counter to strangle her with my bare hands... well, at least I wanted to) Mam, I can't open a package of cookies just to give one to your child.

FTL: (rudely) Why not?

Me: (I'm so going to kill this biatch) Because it's against protocol.

FTL: (taunting me like a naughty child) Oh, yeah?

Me: (why do I have a bad feeling about this) Yes.

The woman didn't even answer me back. She just turned around, picked up a package of cookies on the table behind her, opened it up and handed her kid two chocolate chip cookies.

Me: (nothing, just an "OMG, did you f-ing see that?" look over at Drey as she was boxing up the two cakes)

FTL: (plopping down the open package of cookies in front of me) There you go. Just say I dropped the package and it broke open.

Me: (nothing, just trying to calm the h*ll down)

Drey: (approaching the counter with the cakes) Here you are, Mam.

FTL: (all smiles, like nothing happened) I guess I'll be eating two cakes tonight.

Yeah, and I hope you frickin' choke, you fake tanned fiend!

JB