Tuesday, October 30, 2012
A Case of Mistaken Identity
On a super sunny, yet awfully chilly, Saturday afternoon in November we were doing what we always do before opening for dinner service – prep work. My mother was actually busy cleaning a leg of veal because the butcher didn’t have the cut of meat she wanted for delivery earlier in the week, so he had to special order it. Even though we had nothing to do with it, this setback made my mother rather angry and irritated with all of us, so my sister, HWSNBN, my Ex and I decided we’d let her be alone with her meat for a while.
As I was putting the liquor order away, I suddenly heard tires squealing like Vin Diesel and the rest of the Fast Five crew were tearing around a curve in the road. I look up and out the window across the way from where I was standing to see three police cars pull in fast and furious, alright. Two of them came right up to the front door, while the other car blocked the entrance to the parking lot.
My first thought was that they were coming for HWSNBN because he had just picked up some stuff from a couple of friends who are entrepreneurs of exotic plant sales, if you get my drift. My second thought was that maybe they found out what my sister had been up to lately (a story for another day). I had no time for a third thought because the cops started banging on the door.
Me: (holy crap!!!!!) Okay, everyone, just stay calm and act naturally.
Officer: Police, open up!
Me: (yelling out) Coming! Just a moment, please!
As I made my way to the door, my sister and my Ex went to stand around the corner where they could hear, but not be seen. Meanwhile, HWSNBN actually stayed with me, even though I thought that he was the one who should probably go hide.
Officer: (pounding on the door) Police! Open this door!
Me: (whispering) Sh*t, this is crazy.
HWSNBN: (whispering back) Yeah, but I think you better hurry up and open the door before they break it down.
Me: (taking a deep breath, and then slowly opening the door) Yes?
Officer: (entering with one of his fellow officers) Does a Mrs. B reside at this address?
Me: (my mother? WHAT???) Uh, well, yes… What do you want from her?
Officer: We have information pertaining to her and some illegal activities that occurred at a bank in a nearby village at 10am this morning.
Me: (hahahaha!! WHAT????) Did someone steal the $25 bucks she had in her account?
Officer: (dead pan serious) This is not a joke, Miss. This is a police investigation.
Me: (sh*t!) Well, I’m her daughter, thanks for asking, and I realize you are trying to do your job, but I think maybe you got some misinformation.
Officer: Please, if your mother is here, we need to question her.
Me: (literally laughing out loud at this point because it was all just to freakin’ hilarious) Um, my mother robbed the bank?? I’m sorry, but that’s just nuts.
At that moment, my sister and My Ex burst out laughing and ran into the ladies room to hide. HWSNBN stayed put, but I could tell it was taking everything he had to keep it together.
Officer: (in a very stern voice) This is a serious matter!
Me: (trying to hold back the sarcasm) Exactly how did she rob the bank and how much money did she supposedly take? She’s 65 years old, 4 feet 11 inches, weighs 100 pounds and has been standing in front of her butcher block since 8am this morning. Unless she’s part Harry Houdini and part Dirty Harry, you guys are mistaken.
Officer: We are not at liberty to discuss this with you, young lady. And, what is that banging noise?
Me: That would be my mother. She’s tenderizing veal.
Officer: Excuse me?
Me: Just a minute. I will go get her for you.
Me: (making my way to the kitchen and yelling out…) Hey, Ma!! The police want to talk to you about the bank you robbed this morning.
Mother: (yelling back at me) What you talking about?
Me: (entering the kitchen) Ma, the police here. They say you robbed the bank this morning.
Mother: (eyes wide) EXCUSE ME? You crazy or something???
Me: (giggling) Come out here and talk to them.
Out came my mother wearing her bloody apron (literally, it was bloody from cleaning the meat). If you could have seen the faces of those polices officers... Talk about priceless.
Officer: (clearing his throat) Mrs. B?
Mother: Yes, I’m her.
Officer: Did you rob the bank this morning at 10am?
Mother: (looking at them like they were complete idiots) Excuse, me? You think I rob the bank?
Officer: Mrs. B this is serious. You car was involved in this robbery.
Mother: My car? I don’t think so. My car sit outside, no working anymore.
Officer: Did you cancel the plates on the vehicle?
Mother: My ex-husband, he do it.
Officer: I don’t think so because someone stole the plates and you should have reported this to the police.
Mother: No, someone stole the radio… this I know.
Officer: Someone also stole the plates.
Mother: Well, me, I no see it, so I don’t know this happen.
Officer: Yes, but we need to do some paper work for this and you should have that vehicle removed.
Mother: Now I have to finish my meat. You come back later for do the paperwork.
Officer: Yes, we can do that. Sorry about the mix up.
As soon as they left we all ran into the kitchen and asked my mother where she stashed the money so we could get the hell out of dodge. She laughed so much and just couldn’t believe they thought that she of all people would rob a bank!
Yup, best Saturday ever. lol