Customer of the Week: Pita Man

There are mornings I get up hoping that the day will be uneventful... the kind of day where no one comes to my counter and asks me "Is this bakery?" -- as if the cakes, doughnuts, tarts and other pastries aren't a dead giveaway. Yes, I hope for simple, easy going days, but my customers are complicated. They can't just come in get what they want and leave. No, they have to drive me to the brink of insanity first. For instance, there's this guy who's got a thing for pita bread. He shows up pretty much every other day wanting to know if the pita bread is fresh and if we have the brown (ie. whole wheat) kind. I can't tell you how many times I've told him that fresh pita bread comes in daily around 2pm, but still he comes back asking the same questions. I should probably mention that he is a Lebanese man who doesn't have the greatest grasp of the English language, but I don't know how to explain things to him in a way that's any easier for him to understand.

Pita Man: Hello.

Me: (here we go, AGAIN!!!) Hello, sir.

Pita Man: (smiling) Hello, pita fresh today, yes?

Me: (sigh) No, we didn't get the pita bread yet.

Pita Man: (still smiling, like it's going to help) Hello, pita fresh today, yes?

Me: (is there an echo in here?) No, not yet, OK? Come back at 2 o'clock for the fresh pita, OK?

Pita Man: Yes, pita fresh today. Yes, me need pita. You show me, brown, yes?

Me: (what part of "no" did you not understand?) Sir, we only have white. Brown comes at 2 o'clock, OK?

Pita Man: Brown, yes.

Me: (YES, DAMN IT!!!!) Yes, at 2 o'clock. You come back, OK?

Pita Man: You show me now brown, OK? I need brown now, so you show me, OK?

Me: (sure, I'll play stupid & escort you to the pita table) OK, come with me.

Pia Man: (very happy) Brown, yes?

Me: (nothing, just walking over to the pita table)

Pita Man: (standing with me in front of the pita bread table) Brown, yes?

Me: (pointing at what we have on the table) See, no brown. Only white. We get brown at 2 o'clock, OK?

Pita Man: No brown.

Me: (OMG, I think he's got it) No brown.

Pita Man: (pointing at the white pita bread) This fresh today?

Me: (F**KKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!) No. We get all fresh at 2 o'clock.

Pita Man: Me come back, 2 o'clock.

Me: (Hallelujah, Jesus, Mary and Joseph!!!!) Yes, 2 o'clock you come back for fresh brown pita.

Pita Man: OK, me come back 2 o'clock, brown, yes.

Me: (nothing, just nodding)

Pita Man: I take white now, OK?

Me: (and go away, please!!!) Yes.

Pita Man: Thank-you. Brown 2 o'clock, yes?

Me: (for f**k sakes, man) Yes.

Pita Man: Thank you.

Me: (no, thank God I take my lunch break at 2pm today & Drey will have to deal with you when you come back... thank God for that teeny tiny miracle) Sure, bye now.

I swear, my head is still spinning.

- JB