Hi Everyone,
It's been ages since I posted a music video, so I thought I'd share one of my fave new songs of the year. The song is called "All of Me" and it's from Love in the Future, the fourth studio album from John Legend. The album was actually released last August, but this song is just now getting radio play. I have no doubt it's going to be a huge wedding song.
Check out the video and let me know what you think about it by leaving a comment below.
Until next time,
Eddy
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Season's Greetings!!
I'm baaaaack!!! Did you all have an wonderful Christmas?Wow, it really has been a long time since I posted anything, huh? Well, I decided to get back to writing because poor Eddy would eventually run out of excuses for me.
So, what's new? Let me see... I have been in a steady and happy relationship for almost two years (Yay, me!!!) with an amazing woman. She's got a big heart and she's super intelligent (unlike my Ex who looked smart, but was and still is as dumb as a Christmas tree, and I mean this without disrespect to trees). It's a long distance relationship for now, which can be difficult and complicated, but we make it work.
Speaking of work, my job has been taking up a lot more of my time these last 4-5 months (way, way, way too much of my time), and totally kicking my a**. I've been placed in the manager-training program, and soon I will have my own bakery to run. Seriously! I don’t even know if that's what I really want, but I guess I can always refuse when the time comes. I'm sure I've said this before, but I never knew the bakery business could be so crazy! Of course, it's extra crazy during the holiday season, and this year has been oh-so special thanks to all of the people who came to my counter asking some truly stupid questions. Hands down and muffins up, people, this year's stupid questions are tops by a Christmas gingerbread land slide… damnnnn!!! I haven't made a list yet, but I will get one together later today and share it the next time I post.
So, that's pretty much it, I guess. How are all of you doing? Leave a comment and let me know. I'd love to hear from you guys. :)
Hugs,
JB
Monday, May 11, 2009
Paying It Forward
As most of you know, I had a dream that I'm supposed to help my co-worker, Jade. Well, what you don't know is that since then I have in fact been trying my best to connect with her. Of course, the thing about helping people is that, in the end, they need to want to help themselves. So, no matter what I say or do, nothing is going to change for Jade until she's ready, and that could take a while. You see, Jade might only be 24 years old, but she hasn't had it easy. Her past relationships have all been abusive & she used drugs to numb her mental, physical and emotional pain. Needless to say, life was awfully messy for Jade, and might still be today had she not given birth to a son three years ago. Now, he gets her through each day, but that doesn't change the fact that Jade’s still hurting. So, while the experiences that caused us pain might be different, pain is still pain, i.e. it hurts no matter where it comes from, and I believe that's where Jade and I will finally come to an understanding. This is why I'm not giving up on her, even though she says she doesn't like me & throws her guard up at every turn. No, I'm going to keep paying forward the support, understanding, encouragement & so much more that was offered to me when I needed it most, and I’m going to help her realize that she is an exceptional woman who hasn't even started scraping the surface of her potential. Somehow, I'm going to get through to her, and she will finally see that there are people in this world with hearts larger then she's ever known.
JB
JB
Monday, May 4, 2009
Get A Room!
The other day, I was over at Rob's blog reading his post about a couple caught having sex in a dumpster, and it reminded me of a similar story involving my mother. Get your heads out of the gutter, people. My mother is not a dumpster diver (at least as far as I know), but... Well, let me start at the beginning.
One night at the restaurant (FYI - if you're new here, my family used to be in the restaurant biz), this couple came in and we knew right away that they were the touchy-feely kind. This meant that they would be there all night because they'd be far too busy pawing at each to concentrate on anything else. How they managed to get through dinner without sitting on each others laps is still beyond me. Seriously, they were two bj's short of a porno & we thought they would never leave. Anyway... after four hours of petting, stroking, tonguing, and God knows what else (it's not like we could see under the table with the tablecloth draped over it), they finally asked for the bill & paid. Other than my mother who was going to do some prep work before calling it a night, the rest of us were ready to go home, so we headed out thinking that the lovers would soon follow suit. Well, the next day my sister and I arrived at work to find out that we were mistaken.
Mother: I have something to tell you.
My sister and I looked at each other with our 'Uh oh, we're in sh*t for something' faces and prepared for the worst.
Mother: You know the lovers that were here last night?
Me: Yeah.
Mother: Well, those lovers were really in love after you guys went home.
Me: (looking at my sister wide-eyed, then back at my mother) O... K...
Mother: I go to the door with them when they leave. I say thank you, good night, see you soon, and then I lock up.
Sister: OK.
Mother: Then, I go back in the kitchen to do my prep work.
Me: Yeah...
Mother: Before I finish, I think I need to go take out the garbage because you guys forgot.
Me: OK, and then what?
Mother: Oh, the lovers, they in love very much. Too much for me to handle.
Sister: Ma, you're killing me. Come on.
Mother: So, I go outside with the garbage, pulling the can because it's too heavy for me to carry. I making a lot of noise too. You think someone would hear me.
Me: And???
Mother: I see beside the garbage (she means the dumpster) that someone left their car. Maybe they take a taxi home, you know.
Sister: AND???!!!!!!!
Mother: I see white.
Me: White what??
Mother: I see a naked culo (that's slang for 'ass' for all of you who don't know Italian).
Sister: WHAT?
Mother: And then I see another one.
Me: WHAT??
Mother: They having sex beside the garbage.
Sister: WHAT???!!!!!!!!
Me: On the ground????
Mother: Yes, and I ask them what's a matter with them and why they do this outside.
Me: OMG!
Mother: And I ask them why they don't go in the car if they don't go home. They say they very sorry and that they going to leave. I tell them they better go because I call the police.
Sister: Holy sh*t , ma!
Mother: I no understand these people. What happened to the bed... the old fashioned way?
Me: (taking the opportunity to tease her) Oh, ma, you're so old school. Did you and Daddy make me in the bed?
Mother: (totally serious) That's not your business!
Me: So, did you see it (don't make me spell out what it is, people)?
Sister: (grinning) Yeah, ma, did you?
Me: (watching my mother blush & turn away from us towards the stove) You did! OMG, you did!!!
Mother: OK, enough, go back to work.
Sister: (laughing & teasing) No, not until you tell us if you saw it or not.
Mother: No, that's enough, I say. Get to work.
All day long we teased her. LOL The poor woman. Seriously, though, what the h*ll is wrong with some people? Sex in a dumpster... beside a dumpster? For the love of God, folks, get a room!!!! If you can't get one, beg, steal or borrow one, please!!!
JB
One night at the restaurant (FYI - if you're new here, my family used to be in the restaurant biz), this couple came in and we knew right away that they were the touchy-feely kind. This meant that they would be there all night because they'd be far too busy pawing at each to concentrate on anything else. How they managed to get through dinner without sitting on each others laps is still beyond me. Seriously, they were two bj's short of a porno & we thought they would never leave. Anyway... after four hours of petting, stroking, tonguing, and God knows what else (it's not like we could see under the table with the tablecloth draped over it), they finally asked for the bill & paid. Other than my mother who was going to do some prep work before calling it a night, the rest of us were ready to go home, so we headed out thinking that the lovers would soon follow suit. Well, the next day my sister and I arrived at work to find out that we were mistaken.
Mother: I have something to tell you.
My sister and I looked at each other with our 'Uh oh, we're in sh*t for something' faces and prepared for the worst.
Mother: You know the lovers that were here last night?
Me: Yeah.
Mother: Well, those lovers were really in love after you guys went home.
Me: (looking at my sister wide-eyed, then back at my mother) O... K...
Mother: I go to the door with them when they leave. I say thank you, good night, see you soon, and then I lock up.
Sister: OK.
Mother: Then, I go back in the kitchen to do my prep work.
Me: Yeah...
Mother: Before I finish, I think I need to go take out the garbage because you guys forgot.
Me: OK, and then what?
Mother: Oh, the lovers, they in love very much. Too much for me to handle.
Sister: Ma, you're killing me. Come on.
Mother: So, I go outside with the garbage, pulling the can because it's too heavy for me to carry. I making a lot of noise too. You think someone would hear me.
Me: And???
Mother: I see beside the garbage (she means the dumpster) that someone left their car. Maybe they take a taxi home, you know.
Sister: AND???!!!!!!!
Mother: I see white.
Me: White what??
Mother: I see a naked culo (that's slang for 'ass' for all of you who don't know Italian).
Sister: WHAT?
Mother: And then I see another one.
Me: WHAT??
Mother: They having sex beside the garbage.
Sister: WHAT???!!!!!!!!
Me: On the ground????
Mother: Yes, and I ask them what's a matter with them and why they do this outside.
Me: OMG!
Mother: And I ask them why they don't go in the car if they don't go home. They say they very sorry and that they going to leave. I tell them they better go because I call the police.
Sister: Holy sh*t , ma!
Mother: I no understand these people. What happened to the bed... the old fashioned way?
Me: (taking the opportunity to tease her) Oh, ma, you're so old school. Did you and Daddy make me in the bed?
Mother: (totally serious) That's not your business!
Me: So, did you see it (don't make me spell out what it is, people)?
Sister: (grinning) Yeah, ma, did you?
Me: (watching my mother blush & turn away from us towards the stove) You did! OMG, you did!!!
Mother: OK, enough, go back to work.
Sister: (laughing & teasing) No, not until you tell us if you saw it or not.
Mother: No, that's enough, I say. Get to work.
All day long we teased her. LOL The poor woman. Seriously, though, what the h*ll is wrong with some people? Sex in a dumpster... beside a dumpster? For the love of God, folks, get a room!!!! If you can't get one, beg, steal or borrow one, please!!!
JB
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Awarded Again!
My dear fellow bloggers, I have been awarded again. :) This time it's the Neno's award & it was given to me by Magdalena over at The Untamed Thoughts on Autism. Thank you, Magdalena, I am honoured!Neno's award is given to those who love blogging & love to encourage friendships through blogging. It also seeks to know the reasons why the person being awarded loves blogging.
So, first things first. Why do I love blogging? Well, I started blogging because I was broken and feeling helpless, and I desperately needed an avenue to express myself. I went to therapy, did my yoga, and tried all kinds of other things too, but nothing was really helping until I started blogging. Blogging saved my life, it really did. I mean it. I was on the verge of suicide, but one morning I called Eddy and told her that I wanted to start a blog or something because I needed an outlet. Well, in a couple of hours, Eddy got me up and running & I haven't looked back since. I wrote out all the pain, despair, anger, everything. I wrote until I cried over all that I lost, and somehow, little by little, I gained so much more. I got my life back!! Not only that, I've made so many wonderful new friends. I started healing from my pain because complete strangers took the time to read what I had to say & to leave me messages of encouragement, hope, and love. You have no idea how much that means to me & I thank you all so much. I will never forget what you've done for me & continue to do for me. Lastly, the most amazing thing out of all this is my relationship with my super great cuz, Eddy. Without her help, her pushing me to write, and telling me to get to it, I could never have come this far. So, with great love and appreciation, thank you, Eddy. It's all because of you that I’m able to forge this new road. Thank-you, and I promise that I'm going to buy a better dictionary & that I will use less commas when I'm writing my drafts. LOL
Now, I'm to pass the Neno's award on to as many bloggers as I choose. Those of you selected must then do the following:
1. Collect the award by saving the badge & posting it on your blog
2. Write a blog post about the Neno's award -- tell everyone what it's about, who awarded it to you, and also tell everyone why you love blogging
3. Pass the award on to as many bloggers as you like by naming them in your post & linking back to their blogs
4. Let those bloggers know that they have been awarded
I have chosen the following bloggers as Neno's award recipients:
Court at Tangles Out
Polly at Polly Abroad
JB
Thursday, February 26, 2009
It's Done
If you've been following my blog for a while now, then you know all about my Ex and how I've been dealing since we split. You also know that I tried to cut ties with her completely last Fall, but it didn't last very long. Well, since then I'd been trying to bring myself to do it again and, thanks to Eddy, my new friend Indy, and the sheer power that I somehow managed to find inside myself, I finally did. It all went down while I was in the middle of working on a new blog post. There I was typing away, when up pops this online message from my Ex:
Sorry I didn't call you back yesterday, but I couldn't deal with you. I'm sorry. I'm too weak. I can't deal when you’re feeling down or sick.
I don’t know what happened to me, but those words pushed me right over the edge. I typed back to call me right away because I needed to tell her something, but she told me to tell her while we were online.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Is she f**king kidding me? It took all that I had not to throw the computer screen across the room.
I typed back that she’d better call me, otherwise I was going to get in my car and drive over there. Well, she obviously didn't want me to present myself at her door because the phone started to ring. I picked up and spoke before she even had a chance.
Me: You are the most selfish, inconsiderate, cruel excuse for a person. I will not let you treat me like this ever again. Today is the last day. I've let you victimize me, but not any longer. Weak… this is your f**king excuse, weak? I have had it with your excuses. I will take this no more. No more, that's it!!!!!!!
My Ex: That's not true. I just can't deal with you when you’re feeling bad. I'm not the person you should be talking to. I don't know how to deal with you. I did this to you. It's all because of me you feel this bad. I'm a bad person.
Me: So much for this friendship that's so important to you. Or, is it me that finds all this important? All you do is abandon me like you always have. How can you look at yourself in the mirror, you lying sack of sh*t? And him (i.e. HWSNBN), remember how he lied to the both of us, but you believed him? You believed he was protecting you from what I still don't get it. Oh, yeah, from you being close to me, that’s what.
My Ex: No, that's not true. I believed you. It was me, all me.
Me: Remember when I told you that he told me he’d listen to your conversations with your sister? Well, one night he told me, "JB, she's been telling her sister that she wishes you'd disappear out of her life… that she never wants to talk to you or be your friend." Was he lying or telling the truth? So many lies... it's all lies. You're still lying to me, but worse to yourself. You make me sick. You both make me sick. This is how you treat people? This is what I deserve?
My Ex: JB, please you don't understand.
Me: Protect the liar. Make excuses for your liar and yourself. It's easier for you to look in the mirror, to go through life living on your foundation of lies.
My Ex: Please, JB, I am the one who did all this. I did it.
Me: How do the both of you sleep at night after all that you've done to me? How do you look your liar in the eyes knowing how he got you to f**k him thanks to me filling his mind full of things about you? Remember when he touches you in that place that it's not him, it's me. It's me because without me he wouldn't have gotten into your bed, you lying b*tch. Enjoy yourselves because when the clouds clear from your murky head, reality will set in and then we'll see. Look in the mirror, look deep. It's me staring back at you from this point on. He knows you because he needed to betray me to get you into bed. Remember his lies and all your lies because this is the foundation that you have based your new life on.
My Ex: You don't understand me. You deserve more... better. You're so much better then I will ever be. I'm sorry.
Me: Yes I do. I understand what needs to be done and you’re not sorry, not one bit. You won't know what sorry is until you start to feel the pain you should have felt a long time back when you were getting rid of me from your life, and then you suddenly changed your mind & needed to have me in your life. You changed your mind like you can just go in and out... being friends one day, but then you’re out when it gets too hard for you. It's always about you and what you want, but today it's about me and what I need.
My Ex: JB, stop being like this. Please, you’re not feeling well. Your head… Please don't get upset. I don't want anything to happen to you
Me: Spare me your fake emotions. Save them for someone who actually cares.
My Ex: Please, don't you know how much I care? I'm being honest.
Me: Honest? Don’t use that word like you know what means. You’re still lying to me, but this is it. I don't ever want to see your f**king face or hear your f**king voice again. Never call me, e-mail me, or contact me in any way. Stay out of my life. You have killed me and killed the idea of love for me. I hate you so much. I hope that you spend the next part of your life suffering like you have made me suffer, you evil b*tch. I hate you both with all that I have and I hope that you and the little boy you’re f**king burn in hell.
My Ex: You don't mean this.
Me: Yes I mean every word!!!!!!! Leave me alone!!!!!! Never call me!!!! F**k you!!!!!!! You betrayed me, but most of all you betrayed the one thing that I held most dear, our friendship, you stupid childish girl!!!!! Get out of my life!!!!!
My Ex: Please, stop it. Please, don't do this. I will call you later. I will talk to you when you’re not mad.
Me: Are you f**king deaf? Don't call me ever, ever, ever! Are you not f**king listening to me? I will not be the victim in this mess you made me a part of. I am reclaiming my life without you in it. Get out of my life and stay out. I never want to see you again. That's it. Leave me alone. You have played your last games with my feelings. I will never let you treat me like an outsider, second class citizen, or a victim. I deserve better than this and you can't respect me, you evil b*tch!!!
Click.
There, I hung up and it was done. Well, almost. I picked the phone back up and called my cell provider in order to have her numbers blocked. I did the same for my home phone. Then, I called her parents, explained the situation, and said my goodbyes to them. Next, I deleted all of her e-mail addresses and her family’s information too.
As I sat there staring at my computer screen, I suddenly felt sick to my stomach and went straight to the bathroom to throw up. Somehow, it was as though my body was saying: there, now it’s done.
JB
Sorry I didn't call you back yesterday, but I couldn't deal with you. I'm sorry. I'm too weak. I can't deal when you’re feeling down or sick.
I don’t know what happened to me, but those words pushed me right over the edge. I typed back to call me right away because I needed to tell her something, but she told me to tell her while we were online.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Is she f**king kidding me? It took all that I had not to throw the computer screen across the room.
I typed back that she’d better call me, otherwise I was going to get in my car and drive over there. Well, she obviously didn't want me to present myself at her door because the phone started to ring. I picked up and spoke before she even had a chance.
Me: You are the most selfish, inconsiderate, cruel excuse for a person. I will not let you treat me like this ever again. Today is the last day. I've let you victimize me, but not any longer. Weak… this is your f**king excuse, weak? I have had it with your excuses. I will take this no more. No more, that's it!!!!!!!
My Ex: That's not true. I just can't deal with you when you’re feeling bad. I'm not the person you should be talking to. I don't know how to deal with you. I did this to you. It's all because of me you feel this bad. I'm a bad person.
Me: So much for this friendship that's so important to you. Or, is it me that finds all this important? All you do is abandon me like you always have. How can you look at yourself in the mirror, you lying sack of sh*t? And him (i.e. HWSNBN), remember how he lied to the both of us, but you believed him? You believed he was protecting you from what I still don't get it. Oh, yeah, from you being close to me, that’s what.
My Ex: No, that's not true. I believed you. It was me, all me.
Me: Remember when I told you that he told me he’d listen to your conversations with your sister? Well, one night he told me, "JB, she's been telling her sister that she wishes you'd disappear out of her life… that she never wants to talk to you or be your friend." Was he lying or telling the truth? So many lies... it's all lies. You're still lying to me, but worse to yourself. You make me sick. You both make me sick. This is how you treat people? This is what I deserve?
My Ex: JB, please you don't understand.
Me: Protect the liar. Make excuses for your liar and yourself. It's easier for you to look in the mirror, to go through life living on your foundation of lies.
My Ex: Please, JB, I am the one who did all this. I did it.
Me: How do the both of you sleep at night after all that you've done to me? How do you look your liar in the eyes knowing how he got you to f**k him thanks to me filling his mind full of things about you? Remember when he touches you in that place that it's not him, it's me. It's me because without me he wouldn't have gotten into your bed, you lying b*tch. Enjoy yourselves because when the clouds clear from your murky head, reality will set in and then we'll see. Look in the mirror, look deep. It's me staring back at you from this point on. He knows you because he needed to betray me to get you into bed. Remember his lies and all your lies because this is the foundation that you have based your new life on.
My Ex: You don't understand me. You deserve more... better. You're so much better then I will ever be. I'm sorry.
Me: Yes I do. I understand what needs to be done and you’re not sorry, not one bit. You won't know what sorry is until you start to feel the pain you should have felt a long time back when you were getting rid of me from your life, and then you suddenly changed your mind & needed to have me in your life. You changed your mind like you can just go in and out... being friends one day, but then you’re out when it gets too hard for you. It's always about you and what you want, but today it's about me and what I need.
My Ex: JB, stop being like this. Please, you’re not feeling well. Your head… Please don't get upset. I don't want anything to happen to you
Me: Spare me your fake emotions. Save them for someone who actually cares.
My Ex: Please, don't you know how much I care? I'm being honest.
Me: Honest? Don’t use that word like you know what means. You’re still lying to me, but this is it. I don't ever want to see your f**king face or hear your f**king voice again. Never call me, e-mail me, or contact me in any way. Stay out of my life. You have killed me and killed the idea of love for me. I hate you so much. I hope that you spend the next part of your life suffering like you have made me suffer, you evil b*tch. I hate you both with all that I have and I hope that you and the little boy you’re f**king burn in hell.
My Ex: You don't mean this.
Me: Yes I mean every word!!!!!!! Leave me alone!!!!!! Never call me!!!! F**k you!!!!!!! You betrayed me, but most of all you betrayed the one thing that I held most dear, our friendship, you stupid childish girl!!!!! Get out of my life!!!!!
My Ex: Please, stop it. Please, don't do this. I will call you later. I will talk to you when you’re not mad.
Me: Are you f**king deaf? Don't call me ever, ever, ever! Are you not f**king listening to me? I will not be the victim in this mess you made me a part of. I am reclaiming my life without you in it. Get out of my life and stay out. I never want to see you again. That's it. Leave me alone. You have played your last games with my feelings. I will never let you treat me like an outsider, second class citizen, or a victim. I deserve better than this and you can't respect me, you evil b*tch!!!
Click.
There, I hung up and it was done. Well, almost. I picked the phone back up and called my cell provider in order to have her numbers blocked. I did the same for my home phone. Then, I called her parents, explained the situation, and said my goodbyes to them. Next, I deleted all of her e-mail addresses and her family’s information too.
As I sat there staring at my computer screen, I suddenly felt sick to my stomach and went straight to the bathroom to throw up. Somehow, it was as though my body was saying: there, now it’s done.
JB
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Women, Remember This...
I recently received the following e-mail and wanted to share it with all you ladies out there.
I salute you!
JB
This Says It All
Time passes
Life happens
Distance separates
Children grow up
Jobs come and go
Love waxes and wanes
Men don't do what they're supposed to do
Hearts break
Parents die
Colleagues forget favors
Careers end
BUT...
Sisters are there no matter how much time and how many miles are between you.
A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach.
When you have to walk that lonesome valley, and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end. Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you, or come in and carry you out.
Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, mothers, grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family, all bless our life!
The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I.
When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other. Every day, we need each other still.
I salute you!
JB
This Says It All
Time passes
Life happens
Distance separates
Children grow up
Jobs come and go
Love waxes and wanes
Men don't do what they're supposed to do
Hearts break
Parents die
Colleagues forget favors
Careers end
BUT...
Sisters are there no matter how much time and how many miles are between you.
A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach.
When you have to walk that lonesome valley, and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end. Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you, or come in and carry you out.
Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, mothers, grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family, all bless our life!
The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I.
When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other. Every day, we need each other still.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Three Boxes
The other night, after New Year's dinner with family, I went home with no real plans for the evening. Basically, I was just going to take it easy, but then something came over me, and the next thing I know, I'm sitting on the floor with three boxes, taking a trip down memory lane.
The first box contained all of my old journals, and, although I only skimmed through them quickly, I realized that I'm still searching for me. Sure, I know myself a little better now, but I still feel more lost than found. The second box was full of a good 20 years worth of cards, notes, and letters (do you remember when people used to write letters?) from past loves. I read through just about all of them, and the funny thing is that I couldn't even recall some of the people who'd taken the time to write them. I asked my roommate to come sit with me to help jog my memory. He told me I was clearly a heart breaker, and that he still remembers all the notes stuck to the doors of places where we used to live, the drunken phone calls, the crying, and the stalking at all hours of the day & night. LOL We've been friends for over 25 years, so he's seen me go through the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to relationships. Anyway, those letters reminded me that I can be loved and have been loved by people who touched me in the deepest part of my heart. Furthermore, the letters are proof that I am a good person and deserve more then what my Ex ever gave me, which leads me to the third box… the one with stuff from her. As much as I dreaded going through that box, something inside me was making go there, so I opened the lid and reached inside. Out came the love notes & letters, pictures, birthday cards, and other mementos. Talk about an emotional roller coaster ride. The very last card from her was from 2007 and had these words written inside:
Je vais t'aime pour tout ma vie ma belle. Je vais jamais pas t'amie. Tu est mon amour pour la vie est je t'aime avec tous que j'ai dans moi. Ta chatte d'amour pour la vie.
Basically, that translates to I will love you for all my life… you are my love for life… I love you with all that I am… forever. Meanwhile, I wonder if she was already sleeping with HWSNBN when she wrote that because it was dated pretty close to when all the lies started.
~sigh ~
Love letters that I wrote to her were also in that box. I'm talking about the ones that I wrote, but never sent. There are 43 of them. I thought about sending her one a month until they've all been delivered, but what I really need to do is force myself to look forward. I can't say that I won't stop blogging about my Ex or my heartache, but 2009 will be a year of change & progress. I'm ready to live this year giving more to myself instead of to everyone else.
Happy New Year & Best Wishes for 2009.
JB
The first box contained all of my old journals, and, although I only skimmed through them quickly, I realized that I'm still searching for me. Sure, I know myself a little better now, but I still feel more lost than found. The second box was full of a good 20 years worth of cards, notes, and letters (do you remember when people used to write letters?) from past loves. I read through just about all of them, and the funny thing is that I couldn't even recall some of the people who'd taken the time to write them. I asked my roommate to come sit with me to help jog my memory. He told me I was clearly a heart breaker, and that he still remembers all the notes stuck to the doors of places where we used to live, the drunken phone calls, the crying, and the stalking at all hours of the day & night. LOL We've been friends for over 25 years, so he's seen me go through the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to relationships. Anyway, those letters reminded me that I can be loved and have been loved by people who touched me in the deepest part of my heart. Furthermore, the letters are proof that I am a good person and deserve more then what my Ex ever gave me, which leads me to the third box… the one with stuff from her. As much as I dreaded going through that box, something inside me was making go there, so I opened the lid and reached inside. Out came the love notes & letters, pictures, birthday cards, and other mementos. Talk about an emotional roller coaster ride. The very last card from her was from 2007 and had these words written inside:
Je vais t'aime pour tout ma vie ma belle. Je vais jamais pas t'amie. Tu est mon amour pour la vie est je t'aime avec tous que j'ai dans moi. Ta chatte d'amour pour la vie.
Basically, that translates to I will love you for all my life… you are my love for life… I love you with all that I am… forever. Meanwhile, I wonder if she was already sleeping with HWSNBN when she wrote that because it was dated pretty close to when all the lies started.
~sigh ~
Love letters that I wrote to her were also in that box. I'm talking about the ones that I wrote, but never sent. There are 43 of them. I thought about sending her one a month until they've all been delivered, but what I really need to do is force myself to look forward. I can't say that I won't stop blogging about my Ex or my heartache, but 2009 will be a year of change & progress. I'm ready to live this year giving more to myself instead of to everyone else.
Happy New Year & Best Wishes for 2009.
JB
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Trust: My Word of the Month
Trust is like a mirror. Once it’s broken, you never look at it the same again.
- Anonymous
Definitions for the word 'trust' found on the Web:
- have confidence or faith in a person or plan, etc
- allow without fear
- believing in the honesty and reliability of others
- expect and wish
- extend credit to
(wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn)
If you've been reading my blog since August, then you know what happened with my Ex and HWSNBN. Never have I thought about trust as much as I have since those two turned my life upside down & inside out, which is why I chose it as my word of the month for December. You see, I've never had a problem trusting people, but it's not so easy for me now after what I've been through. This really saddens me because I believe that trust is very important in a relationship, no matter who it’s with (ex. lover, friend, etc), and I don't want to go through life with my guard up all the time.
How important is trust to you?
JB
- Anonymous
Definitions for the word 'trust' found on the Web:
- have confidence or faith in a person or plan, etc
- allow without fear
- believing in the honesty and reliability of others
- expect and wish
- extend credit to
(wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn)
If you've been reading my blog since August, then you know what happened with my Ex and HWSNBN. Never have I thought about trust as much as I have since those two turned my life upside down & inside out, which is why I chose it as my word of the month for December. You see, I've never had a problem trusting people, but it's not so easy for me now after what I've been through. This really saddens me because I believe that trust is very important in a relationship, no matter who it’s with (ex. lover, friend, etc), and I don't want to go through life with my guard up all the time.
How important is trust to you?
JB
Friday, November 21, 2008
Tea Time With My Ex
If you've been following my blog from the beginning, then you know that I cut ties with my Ex back in September. Well, I somehow went and undid all that last weekend. I know, I know. What the hell was I thinking, right? Well, the last few weeks have been very difficult for me, so I guess I wasn't really thinking at all when she called (even though I told her we can’t be friends) and asked if I’d like to go out for tea. I shouldn't have gone, but I had a complete moment of utter weakness, and suddenly I really needed a tiny ponies fix. You see, not seeing my Ex drives me nuts, and seeing her makes me nuts. So, whatever, I’m nuts.
Before I get to our conversation over tea, I should probably back up a bit because what led up to it actually started when my uncle passed away. She’d called to say that she was sorry for my loss, and I was really feeling out of my mind at the time, so I totally went off on her. I mean, it was a super evil tirade. If anyone ever yelled at me the kind of things that I yelled at her that day, I would have told them to go straight to h*ll, but my Ex just took it like a punching bag. She also continued to call me for the next few days, until I finally had nothing more to yell about. Either she’s a masochist, really misses me, or both. I don’t know.
Anyway, back to going out for tea… We sat & talked for quite some time. Actually, my Ex did most of the talking. I mostly listened & observed. I don’t know if it’s because I was feeling extra sensitive myself, but I felt her sadness and remorse for the first time. She isn't the women that I once knew. The mess she created changed her. Suddenly, I just wanted to grab her, hold her in my arms, and tell her that everything was going to be OK, but the truth is that everything is not going to be OK any time soon. Plus, she scares me. I mean, even though I felt this sudden urge to comfort her, the fear I feel when I think about letting my guard down is still very strong. So, I have to wear my full metal jacket, my helmet, and anything else that knives can’t penetrate, and I pray that doing so isn't a mistake.
On and on she talked, apologizing to me, telling me how she doesn't like having me on the outside, until I just couldn't take it anymore. I told her that it didn't matter what she said to me because she’s the one that put me on the outside, and that she’s the one who was going home to that disgusting pig when we were finished having our tea. Again, she apologized, but I’d had enough. I quickly changed the subject by asking her if she’d had anymore of those weird dreams she’d told me about a couple of months ago. Well, her eyes lit up and...
My Ex: I had this dream about baby carrots growing all over my legs. (Did she just say 'baby carrots' ?)
Me: Uh, OK. What else?
My Ex: There were also these big black moles (Ewww!), and they left big holes on my body when I peeled them off. (Gross!!!)
Me: OK…
My Ex: Why are you looking at me like that?
Me: You scare me.
My Ex: Sorry. I scare me.
Me: I’m sure you do.
My Ex: JB, do you think I’m twisted? (Uh, just a little bit.)
Me: No, not all.
My Ex: In my dream book, all my dreams are about feeling guilty about the stuff I have done. I need to fix things. The past haunts me. J'étais très méchant avec toi. Je suis désolé. (translation: I was very nasty with you. I’m sorry.) I don’t deserve your friendship. I am disgusting.
Me: Are you asking me to disagree with you?
My Ex: Non, je suis dégoûté. (translation: No, I am disgusted.) I am disgusted with what I’m doing. This is why I have all these dreams. I am bad.
Yes, and I am stupid, I thought to myself. Seriously, what the h*ll was I doing? The conversation never changes. She’s still very sorry about what she did too me & I’m still subjecting myself to her ‘I’m so sorry’ speeches. It was definitely time to call it a night.
Before we headed out the door, she leaned over to hug me, and I actually felt a little nauseous. I never thought her touch could make me feel that way, but it did. As we parted, she asked if we could see each other again. I should have said no, but I heard the words “Sure, call me” come out of my mouth instead.
~ sigh ~
Clearly, I’m the masochist.
JB
Before I get to our conversation over tea, I should probably back up a bit because what led up to it actually started when my uncle passed away. She’d called to say that she was sorry for my loss, and I was really feeling out of my mind at the time, so I totally went off on her. I mean, it was a super evil tirade. If anyone ever yelled at me the kind of things that I yelled at her that day, I would have told them to go straight to h*ll, but my Ex just took it like a punching bag. She also continued to call me for the next few days, until I finally had nothing more to yell about. Either she’s a masochist, really misses me, or both. I don’t know.
Anyway, back to going out for tea… We sat & talked for quite some time. Actually, my Ex did most of the talking. I mostly listened & observed. I don’t know if it’s because I was feeling extra sensitive myself, but I felt her sadness and remorse for the first time. She isn't the women that I once knew. The mess she created changed her. Suddenly, I just wanted to grab her, hold her in my arms, and tell her that everything was going to be OK, but the truth is that everything is not going to be OK any time soon. Plus, she scares me. I mean, even though I felt this sudden urge to comfort her, the fear I feel when I think about letting my guard down is still very strong. So, I have to wear my full metal jacket, my helmet, and anything else that knives can’t penetrate, and I pray that doing so isn't a mistake.
On and on she talked, apologizing to me, telling me how she doesn't like having me on the outside, until I just couldn't take it anymore. I told her that it didn't matter what she said to me because she’s the one that put me on the outside, and that she’s the one who was going home to that disgusting pig when we were finished having our tea. Again, she apologized, but I’d had enough. I quickly changed the subject by asking her if she’d had anymore of those weird dreams she’d told me about a couple of months ago. Well, her eyes lit up and...
My Ex: I had this dream about baby carrots growing all over my legs. (Did she just say 'baby carrots' ?)
Me: Uh, OK. What else?
My Ex: There were also these big black moles (Ewww!), and they left big holes on my body when I peeled them off. (Gross!!!)
Me: OK…
My Ex: Why are you looking at me like that?
Me: You scare me.
My Ex: Sorry. I scare me.
Me: I’m sure you do.
My Ex: JB, do you think I’m twisted? (Uh, just a little bit.)
Me: No, not all.
My Ex: In my dream book, all my dreams are about feeling guilty about the stuff I have done. I need to fix things. The past haunts me. J'étais très méchant avec toi. Je suis désolé. (translation: I was very nasty with you. I’m sorry.) I don’t deserve your friendship. I am disgusting.
Me: Are you asking me to disagree with you?
My Ex: Non, je suis dégoûté. (translation: No, I am disgusted.) I am disgusted with what I’m doing. This is why I have all these dreams. I am bad.
Yes, and I am stupid, I thought to myself. Seriously, what the h*ll was I doing? The conversation never changes. She’s still very sorry about what she did too me & I’m still subjecting myself to her ‘I’m so sorry’ speeches. It was definitely time to call it a night.
Before we headed out the door, she leaned over to hug me, and I actually felt a little nauseous. I never thought her touch could make me feel that way, but it did. As we parted, she asked if we could see each other again. I should have said no, but I heard the words “Sure, call me” come out of my mouth instead.
~ sigh ~
Clearly, I’m the masochist.
JB
Friday, September 26, 2008
For The Sake Of My Mental Health: It's Over!
It’s over, finally. I did what I have been avoiding for a long time. I cut ties with my Ex. It was time. As much as I wanted to be friends, it was never going to happen. As long as HWSNBN is in the picture, being friends won't work, not now, not ever. I mean, really, how can two people be friends when the thing that destroyed them is there as a constant reminder of the hurt, lies, betrayal, hate, and all the rest of it?
So, I composed myself, and made the call. I asked her how we could be friends when I can never go to her home and share a meal with her at her table, or just hang out and watch a movie, etc. She responded by telling me that she was living in a fantasy world, she didn't know how it would work, and that I was right. I asked her where she thought she's going to go with this whole fantasy life and how she can be so naive, but I already knew the answer to my own question. Fact is, she has always wanted what she wants, when she wants, so I didn't expect much more from her. In the end, I told her: Being friends isn't going to work, so I have to let you go. Be happy in your life, take care of yourself, and if one day you decide to do the right thing, so be it. Until then, it’s good-bye.
I feel so sad & empty today (actually, I feel kind of sick, to tell you the truth) because I have fought for this friendship for two years, not knowing I was being lied to (read my older posts for the back story) the whole time, and now I had to be the one to do the right thing. Oh well, I guess it’s for me & my mental health, and I hope it will help her figure things out for herself. This really was the only way out for both of us. I don’t want to hurt her, and I don’t want to be hurt again. I will be sad, and I will miss her, but maybe, just maybe, some good will come from all of this.
JB
So, I composed myself, and made the call. I asked her how we could be friends when I can never go to her home and share a meal with her at her table, or just hang out and watch a movie, etc. She responded by telling me that she was living in a fantasy world, she didn't know how it would work, and that I was right. I asked her where she thought she's going to go with this whole fantasy life and how she can be so naive, but I already knew the answer to my own question. Fact is, she has always wanted what she wants, when she wants, so I didn't expect much more from her. In the end, I told her: Being friends isn't going to work, so I have to let you go. Be happy in your life, take care of yourself, and if one day you decide to do the right thing, so be it. Until then, it’s good-bye.
I feel so sad & empty today (actually, I feel kind of sick, to tell you the truth) because I have fought for this friendship for two years, not knowing I was being lied to (read my older posts for the back story) the whole time, and now I had to be the one to do the right thing. Oh well, I guess it’s for me & my mental health, and I hope it will help her figure things out for herself. This really was the only way out for both of us. I don’t want to hurt her, and I don’t want to be hurt again. I will be sad, and I will miss her, but maybe, just maybe, some good will come from all of this.
JB
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
The Letter That Was Never Sent
I found this letter that I wrote to my Ex tucked nicely into a pocket in the back of a leather bound journal that I got as a Christmas gift from a good friend a few years ago. I wrote the letter on some really nice paper and sprayed it with perfume. I can still smell it. I never mailed the letter, and I know why I couldn't do it. As I read it over, I cried because it reminded me of the night I wrote it. My Ex had told me that she didn't love me anymore, but I still loved her. Reading that letter, I could feel how much I missed her, how much I loved her, and I couldn't deny it.
Anyway, I wanted to share the letter, expose my vulnerability, and show how the soul can be so fragile... how I was so fragile. I loved someone, and this is truly a great thing that I have been able to experience. Good or bad, I loved her. So, the letter is below. I wrote it probably a year & a bit ago, and the feelings were as true then as they are now. Love doesn't go away, it transforms you. I know because I have been transformed thanks to this beautiful thing called love.
JB
======================================================
My Beloved,
I am writing to you, my love. I have sat up nights thinking of our love, remembering your lips on mine, your body softly caressing me while we made love with a passion that could stop time.
My love, how I miss your arms around me while I sleep soundly. I can feel your breath of whispers in the back of my neck. You’d wake to feel my heart to touch my soul.
All the wet kisses are gone now. An empty bed I sleep in being kept warm by my pillow that holds my tears.
Tears that time has keep secret for me. The bed is still missing its lovers embraced in the passion of the truth of their love.
My beloved, I dream of our love to be true again on a warm winter night, when I can hold you in my arms and keep you safe from the world.
My beloved, I love thee with all my might. I will fight for our love when you are asleep. I will fight when you feel doubt. I will fight night and day 'til our lips can touch again, and the words 'I love you' flow freely into the air with joy and happiness.
This day is what we have both been waiting for, my beloved. Walk with me again to the end of time, where the love we had and still share can live through every breath, look, embrace, and passionate night we shared.
Remember, beloved, that you are mine, I am yours... this is the truth, and this is our truth. Believe in our love and everything will be as you have always dreamed of. Believe in us as I have always believed in you. No matter what has happened and what will happen, I will love you till the end of time.
Love Always,
JB
Anyway, I wanted to share the letter, expose my vulnerability, and show how the soul can be so fragile... how I was so fragile. I loved someone, and this is truly a great thing that I have been able to experience. Good or bad, I loved her. So, the letter is below. I wrote it probably a year & a bit ago, and the feelings were as true then as they are now. Love doesn't go away, it transforms you. I know because I have been transformed thanks to this beautiful thing called love.
JB
======================================================
My Beloved,
I am writing to you, my love. I have sat up nights thinking of our love, remembering your lips on mine, your body softly caressing me while we made love with a passion that could stop time.
My love, how I miss your arms around me while I sleep soundly. I can feel your breath of whispers in the back of my neck. You’d wake to feel my heart to touch my soul.
All the wet kisses are gone now. An empty bed I sleep in being kept warm by my pillow that holds my tears.
Tears that time has keep secret for me. The bed is still missing its lovers embraced in the passion of the truth of their love.
My beloved, I dream of our love to be true again on a warm winter night, when I can hold you in my arms and keep you safe from the world.
My beloved, I love thee with all my might. I will fight for our love when you are asleep. I will fight when you feel doubt. I will fight night and day 'til our lips can touch again, and the words 'I love you' flow freely into the air with joy and happiness.
This day is what we have both been waiting for, my beloved. Walk with me again to the end of time, where the love we had and still share can live through every breath, look, embrace, and passionate night we shared.
Remember, beloved, that you are mine, I am yours... this is the truth, and this is our truth. Believe in our love and everything will be as you have always dreamed of. Believe in us as I have always believed in you. No matter what has happened and what will happen, I will love you till the end of time.
Love Always,
JB
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Testimony: A Follow Up
It's been about a week now since I received the "testimony" e-mail from HWSNBN, and I still have indigestion from trying to stomach his bullsh*t. In light of a recent conversation I had with my Ex, it's pretty obvious to me that HWSNBN didn't send me his “testimony” because he feels remorseful. Rather, it's a way for him to use me for his own selfish reasons again. In a nutshell, it looks like HWSNBN is about to experience the same kind of train wreck my life turned into when my Ex decided she wanted to experience a man (but all she got was a boy). You see, HWSNBN has fallen head over heels in love with my Ex, but she hasn't fallen head over heels for him. Turns out she finally realized that he's not me, and she can't love him like she loved (or still loves) me. What we gave each other, he can only dream of having with her.
Ah, HWSNBN, this is your life. Are you happy, and was it all worth it for the both of you? Are you enjoying the relationship that you two created out of lies and blatant disregard for the person (i.e. me) who loved you both? Well, this is what you two get for settling for half lives. My life with her was passion, joy, fire, desire, and unconditional love for each other. Is this yours? I think not! If it was, I would not have received your bullsh*t “testimony” & she wouldn’t be crying over the mess you two made. Good luck with your relationship with someone who does not love you and never will. I hope you set her free so she can pursue real love because eventually you two will only drown in your lie.
This is my testimony.
JB
Ah, HWSNBN, this is your life. Are you happy, and was it all worth it for the both of you? Are you enjoying the relationship that you two created out of lies and blatant disregard for the person (i.e. me) who loved you both? Well, this is what you two get for settling for half lives. My life with her was passion, joy, fire, desire, and unconditional love for each other. Is this yours? I think not! If it was, I would not have received your bullsh*t “testimony” & she wouldn’t be crying over the mess you two made. Good luck with your relationship with someone who does not love you and never will. I hope you set her free so she can pursue real love because eventually you two will only drown in your lie.
This is my testimony.
JB
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
My Blanket of Sadness
It’s 1 o'clock in the morning and, as usual, I can’t sleep. Only, this time is different than most sleepless nights because tonight I dug out my blanket, the one that I have been hiding for the last few weeks. My blanket of sadness... the one that consists of the last three years of my life woven into one tangled & messy weave, otherwise known as the life of a depressed person trying to hide from all the hurt and pain that she's experienced because of a failed relationship with the one person who she thought would never fail her... the one person who she thought would love her forever.
Tonight, my blanket of sadness has a strangle hold on me, and it won’t let go. Sitting at the edge of my bed crying like my kitten just died, I realize that the hurt is still there no matter what, and my blanket is the only thing that gives me comfort. The agonizing thought that two people who played a cruel & unthinkable game with me could be sharing a bed together makes me want to move to another country, just so I never have to witness the mockery of this affair. Someone tell me how you can live a truth that was based on lies to start off with?
On the floor by my feet, there's a puddle of tears surrounded by Kleenex. It's a familiar scene that I thought was finally over, but I guess my blanket of sadness is wrapped around me tighter than I thought. I have been trying to store it away permanently, and hope I will soon. For now, I need to cover my face because my tears feel like acid, and my eyes are burning. I need to say this: I hate them both with an undeniable passion, and wish them pain & suffering for the rest of their lives. This may sound mean, but it's what I feel... it's the hurt talking. Some people would probably say worse. All I know is that I need to release it. The sadness is only a temporary thing that will fade as my wounds heal.
I know that I may declare love for this woman in some of my posts, but there is a thin line between love and hate. You can’t draw the line properly because it’s blurred. We love as hard as we hate, and I am living proof of this. I have forgiven myself, but tonight I hate this overwhelming feeling of loosing control. Something has taken over my heart, and filled it with the hate that I am trying to unload.
Why are you here tonight, sadness and hate? Why are you strangling me? Are you reminding me that I am alive and need to feel all that is in me?
Wrapping the blanket tighter, I feel secure that I will finish this, and then get to sleep like a child. I miss that kind of sleep so much. Maybe, I will dream of the love that once cared for me, who held me in her gaze for hours and watched me sleep. I miss her as much as I hate her. My heart and soul ache for her touch, her lips, her love.
My blanket of sadness is holding the hurt, sad, betrayed, and somewhat depressed women deep within me... the woman who never once gave up on her love, yet whose love gave up on her in a heart beat because a half life was easier to settle for than a full life. It's sad what people will do to fit into the structures dictated by others.
JB
Tonight, my blanket of sadness has a strangle hold on me, and it won’t let go. Sitting at the edge of my bed crying like my kitten just died, I realize that the hurt is still there no matter what, and my blanket is the only thing that gives me comfort. The agonizing thought that two people who played a cruel & unthinkable game with me could be sharing a bed together makes me want to move to another country, just so I never have to witness the mockery of this affair. Someone tell me how you can live a truth that was based on lies to start off with?
On the floor by my feet, there's a puddle of tears surrounded by Kleenex. It's a familiar scene that I thought was finally over, but I guess my blanket of sadness is wrapped around me tighter than I thought. I have been trying to store it away permanently, and hope I will soon. For now, I need to cover my face because my tears feel like acid, and my eyes are burning. I need to say this: I hate them both with an undeniable passion, and wish them pain & suffering for the rest of their lives. This may sound mean, but it's what I feel... it's the hurt talking. Some people would probably say worse. All I know is that I need to release it. The sadness is only a temporary thing that will fade as my wounds heal.
I know that I may declare love for this woman in some of my posts, but there is a thin line between love and hate. You can’t draw the line properly because it’s blurred. We love as hard as we hate, and I am living proof of this. I have forgiven myself, but tonight I hate this overwhelming feeling of loosing control. Something has taken over my heart, and filled it with the hate that I am trying to unload.
Why are you here tonight, sadness and hate? Why are you strangling me? Are you reminding me that I am alive and need to feel all that is in me?
Wrapping the blanket tighter, I feel secure that I will finish this, and then get to sleep like a child. I miss that kind of sleep so much. Maybe, I will dream of the love that once cared for me, who held me in her gaze for hours and watched me sleep. I miss her as much as I hate her. My heart and soul ache for her touch, her lips, her love.
My blanket of sadness is holding the hurt, sad, betrayed, and somewhat depressed women deep within me... the woman who never once gave up on her love, yet whose love gave up on her in a heart beat because a half life was easier to settle for than a full life. It's sad what people will do to fit into the structures dictated by others.
JB
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Energy Vampires: Don't Let Them Suck The Life Out Of You!
If you are wondering what the heck an Energy Vampire is, I'm about to tell you. I just wanted to preface this post by saying that it came about because of a conversation that my cousin and I had last week, after I finished having breakfast with my sister (aka Bitter). If you haven't read my Breakfast With Bitter post yet, you might want to before you read this one because it will explain a lot.
So, exactly what is an Energy Vampire (EV for short)? Well, let me ask you this, how many of you know one too many whiners & complainers? I know a good handful of them, and you really only need to know one in your own life to understand that they are Energy Vampires. Why? Simply because they suck the life right out of you every single time you make contact with them. It doesn't matter if you're talking on the phone or face to face, the second an EV opens his or her mouth, you are done for. By the time your conversation is over, you are so completely drained of energy, you feel like you need to find the nearest bed and take a nice long nap. Seriously, EV's are utterly exhausting, and they will suck up your energy time & time again, until you make it crystal clear that you are not going to be a pity party participant.
What's scary is that EV's can be anyone --- a sister, brother, girlfriend, boyfriend, mother, father, neighbour, co-worker, you name it, which makes them hard to avoid. What's worse is that even if you're doing your very best to stay away from them, they have this uncanny ability of being able to hunt you down. So, not only do you have to be on guard, but you also need to make sure that you don't let EV's get the upper hand when they do get a hold of you. If you're quick, though, you can cut them off before they really sink their teeth into you.
For example, EV's are notorious for blaming (because heaven forbid they actually take responsibility for anything) other people, places, or things for their problems. So, as soon as you hear an EV lay blame, you better find a way out of the conversation -- and FAST! It doesn't matter what your excuse is, just put it out there & GO! You want to do this right away because if you show any sympathy, any slight notion that you actually care, an EV will only use it as leverage.
If you're really daring, and willing to risk an EV's wrath (because, trust me, it's going to be all your fault), you could always do what my cousin did and stand up for yourself. By that I mean letting it be known that you are not going to put up with their EV crap anymore. If you're lucky, this will solve your problem. Well, at least for a little while, anyway. Unfortunately, most EV's that you stand up to do resurface when they think that enough time has passed for you to have gotten over yourself (because, as you remember, they are never the reason why life is crap), and they feel confident that they can go back to telling you their 'woe is me' stories. In other words, they victimize you by playing the victim. How's that for irony?
Anyway... as I said at the beginning of this post, my cousin and I got into a big discussion about this last week and we came to the conclusion that it's just not right to let EV's take advantage of you, which is exactly what they do, if you let them. At some point, you need to say enough is enough. So, while you may never be entirely free of them, don't let Energy Vampires suck the life out of you!
JB
So, exactly what is an Energy Vampire (EV for short)? Well, let me ask you this, how many of you know one too many whiners & complainers? I know a good handful of them, and you really only need to know one in your own life to understand that they are Energy Vampires. Why? Simply because they suck the life right out of you every single time you make contact with them. It doesn't matter if you're talking on the phone or face to face, the second an EV opens his or her mouth, you are done for. By the time your conversation is over, you are so completely drained of energy, you feel like you need to find the nearest bed and take a nice long nap. Seriously, EV's are utterly exhausting, and they will suck up your energy time & time again, until you make it crystal clear that you are not going to be a pity party participant.
What's scary is that EV's can be anyone --- a sister, brother, girlfriend, boyfriend, mother, father, neighbour, co-worker, you name it, which makes them hard to avoid. What's worse is that even if you're doing your very best to stay away from them, they have this uncanny ability of being able to hunt you down. So, not only do you have to be on guard, but you also need to make sure that you don't let EV's get the upper hand when they do get a hold of you. If you're quick, though, you can cut them off before they really sink their teeth into you.
For example, EV's are notorious for blaming (because heaven forbid they actually take responsibility for anything) other people, places, or things for their problems. So, as soon as you hear an EV lay blame, you better find a way out of the conversation -- and FAST! It doesn't matter what your excuse is, just put it out there & GO! You want to do this right away because if you show any sympathy, any slight notion that you actually care, an EV will only use it as leverage.
If you're really daring, and willing to risk an EV's wrath (because, trust me, it's going to be all your fault), you could always do what my cousin did and stand up for yourself. By that I mean letting it be known that you are not going to put up with their EV crap anymore. If you're lucky, this will solve your problem. Well, at least for a little while, anyway. Unfortunately, most EV's that you stand up to do resurface when they think that enough time has passed for you to have gotten over yourself (because, as you remember, they are never the reason why life is crap), and they feel confident that they can go back to telling you their 'woe is me' stories. In other words, they victimize you by playing the victim. How's that for irony?
Anyway... as I said at the beginning of this post, my cousin and I got into a big discussion about this last week and we came to the conclusion that it's just not right to let EV's take advantage of you, which is exactly what they do, if you let them. At some point, you need to say enough is enough. So, while you may never be entirely free of them, don't let Energy Vampires suck the life out of you!
JB
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Breakfast With Bitter
I figured that breakfast with my sister (aka Bitter) this morning would, as per usual, be a frolicking trip down 'I hate the world and everyone can go f**k themselves' lane, and so it was. She never disappoints.
Me: (sitting down at the table) So, how are you today?
Bitter: What are you stupid? I just saw you last night at work. How the f**k do you think I am?
Me: Are you drunk? You don't seem like yourself.
Bitter: Actually, no, I'm stoned. I have been popping pills (Percocet for her lower back pain) all morning. Don't give me a lecture. Don't want to know and don't care.
Clearly, this was going to be a full force, in your face, bitterness hate festival of a breakfast. She started with HWSNBN, and then her ex (the guy left her to get married to a pure woman because he's Muslim and she isn't). Then, she went on a tirade about God ("Who the f**k does God think he is?") and my going to church.
Holy crap, I thought. She is going to explode like a nuclear missile. Time for a distraction.
Me: Do you think things happen for a reason?
Bitter: (nothing, just looking at me like I'm an idiot)
Me: Am I going to find love like Ellen?
Bitter: (clearing her throat) Can I tell you something, Bubbles (she calls me that sometimes)? Stop reading all those books about fixing your life and, please, for the love of God, pull your head out of your Ex's a** and get over it. She is the lowest form of human that I have ever encountered. She has dumped you, of all the people in the world, a kind soul like you, for a 24 year old, low life, pot smoking, paint balling, drinking fool who pisses more then a girl (he's got bladder problems), hanging out with his high school boyfriends (she says 'boyfriends' because she thinks he's gay), who have never been laid by real women, and him f**king your Ex doesn't count. She isn't a woman at all because she couldn't even leave her house to get laid and decide what her sexuality really is. Please, she is the most stupid idiot on this earth, and they both deserve each other. She settled for this. So, let her suck it up until there is nothing left, and when she comes back, slam the door in her face because you deserve so much better. Please, I beg of you, Bubbles, stop the insanity. Now, finish your breakfast and let me go back to my hole, and pop my pills, and contemplate how much I hate these people who have screwed you and me over, while I drink my strawberry daiquiris.
Me: (holy crap!) Umm, you really shouldn't mix booze and pills.
Bitter: Please, are you 12-teen, now? Butt out, Bubbles, and go hang out with your new girlfriends.
After all that, I wondered why she wanted to have breakfast to begin with, but I didn't ask. When we were done, I dropped her off in front of her place.
Bitter: (getting out of my car) Don't feel bad for me. You make your bed and you lay in it.
With the slam of my car door, she was gone. I took off for my mom's place feeling totally exhausted, and praying my mom wouldn't ask too many questions when I got there.
Me: (making my way through my mom's front door) Morning, ma.
Mother: Where is your sister?
Me: (uh oh, here we go) She isn't feeling well.
Mother: (a knowing look on her face) What, she drunk today?
Me: No.
Mother: You lie to me, eh?
Me: (sh*t) Ma...
Mother: She talk nonsense today?
Oh, how well we know each other.
JB
Me: (sitting down at the table) So, how are you today?
Bitter: What are you stupid? I just saw you last night at work. How the f**k do you think I am?
Me: Are you drunk? You don't seem like yourself.
Bitter: Actually, no, I'm stoned. I have been popping pills (Percocet for her lower back pain) all morning. Don't give me a lecture. Don't want to know and don't care.
Clearly, this was going to be a full force, in your face, bitterness hate festival of a breakfast. She started with HWSNBN, and then her ex (the guy left her to get married to a pure woman because he's Muslim and she isn't). Then, she went on a tirade about God ("Who the f**k does God think he is?") and my going to church.
Holy crap, I thought. She is going to explode like a nuclear missile. Time for a distraction.
Me: Do you think things happen for a reason?
Bitter: (nothing, just looking at me like I'm an idiot)
Me: Am I going to find love like Ellen?
Bitter: (clearing her throat) Can I tell you something, Bubbles (she calls me that sometimes)? Stop reading all those books about fixing your life and, please, for the love of God, pull your head out of your Ex's a** and get over it. She is the lowest form of human that I have ever encountered. She has dumped you, of all the people in the world, a kind soul like you, for a 24 year old, low life, pot smoking, paint balling, drinking fool who pisses more then a girl (he's got bladder problems), hanging out with his high school boyfriends (she says 'boyfriends' because she thinks he's gay), who have never been laid by real women, and him f**king your Ex doesn't count. She isn't a woman at all because she couldn't even leave her house to get laid and decide what her sexuality really is. Please, she is the most stupid idiot on this earth, and they both deserve each other. She settled for this. So, let her suck it up until there is nothing left, and when she comes back, slam the door in her face because you deserve so much better. Please, I beg of you, Bubbles, stop the insanity. Now, finish your breakfast and let me go back to my hole, and pop my pills, and contemplate how much I hate these people who have screwed you and me over, while I drink my strawberry daiquiris.
Me: (holy crap!) Umm, you really shouldn't mix booze and pills.
Bitter: Please, are you 12-teen, now? Butt out, Bubbles, and go hang out with your new girlfriends.
After all that, I wondered why she wanted to have breakfast to begin with, but I didn't ask. When we were done, I dropped her off in front of her place.
Bitter: (getting out of my car) Don't feel bad for me. You make your bed and you lay in it.
With the slam of my car door, she was gone. I took off for my mom's place feeling totally exhausted, and praying my mom wouldn't ask too many questions when I got there.
Me: (making my way through my mom's front door) Morning, ma.
Mother: Where is your sister?
Me: (uh oh, here we go) She isn't feeling well.
Mother: (a knowing look on her face) What, she drunk today?
Me: No.
Mother: You lie to me, eh?
Me: (sh*t) Ma...
Mother: She talk nonsense today?
Oh, how well we know each other.
JB
Thursday, August 28, 2008
HWSNBN: Burn, Baby, Burn!
It's night and I can’t sleep (big surprise), so I thought that maybe it would be a good time to clean house, shall we say. I opened a cold Corona beer, made a cup of herbal tea (yeah, beer and tea... I like to mix it up at night), pulled my photo albums off the shelf, and started to rip out every single picture of my Ex and HWSNBN, posing together. I can’t rip pictures of my Ex, but of no problem. I have three albums to go through, but their will probably be only two left by the time I'm done. I wish I could just burn HWSNBN & the pictures, but my roommate is sleeping, and starting fire probably wouldn't be a good idea.
It's really sad, cruel, and totally unbelievable how mean people are to the ones they love. I never thought that ripping photos would be something that I would do, but after being hurt so bad by two people that I trusted completely, who wouldn’t? All these pictures that captured the good times that we had as friends are now nothing more than a lie. I can’t look at them without getting really mad, sad or sick to my stomach. I find HWSNBN absolutely revolting. There's this picture of him licking my Ex’s face. At the time, it was all in good fun, but now I know better. Personally, I would love to go and give him a slap in the face, but I respect myself to much, and refuse to lower myself to his level. So, ripping and tearing these pictures of him will have to do.
Time for another cold one.
JB
It's really sad, cruel, and totally unbelievable how mean people are to the ones they love. I never thought that ripping photos would be something that I would do, but after being hurt so bad by two people that I trusted completely, who wouldn’t? All these pictures that captured the good times that we had as friends are now nothing more than a lie. I can’t look at them without getting really mad, sad or sick to my stomach. I find HWSNBN absolutely revolting. There's this picture of him licking my Ex’s face. At the time, it was all in good fun, but now I know better. Personally, I would love to go and give him a slap in the face, but I respect myself to much, and refuse to lower myself to his level. So, ripping and tearing these pictures of him will have to do.
Time for another cold one.
JB
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Love Conquers All
I really believe that love conquers all. I’m sure a lot of people think that's a little naive, but this is what I believe. The love that was and is still present after all that I've been through, the love that I thought I could hold on to forever, is holding on by itself. This is not to say that I have forgiven my Ex and HWSNBN for what they did to me, but I am now able to forgive myself for carrying all the hate and anger around. It was really weighing me down. As for forgiving them, it will be a long, hard road before I get to that point. Trust me when I say that I won't make it easy, nor should I. HWSNBN can wait forever because forgiving him ain't going to happen anytime soon, if at all in this life time.
Anyway, this whole thought process started yesterday while I was getting my weekly massage. My therapist, who is the nicest person I have ever met (not to mention quite hot, if I may say so) and can read me like a book, sensed something was up. So, she asked me what my relationship was like with my Ex, and I told her it was perfect... that I thought the love we shared could surpass everything and anything, and it would be forever. I then asked her if she thought this wishful thinking. She made me realize that I was living true to my heart, and that's why I'm slowly healing. I asked her if she believed in everlasting love, love unconditional. She said, "Yes, if you are true to yourself, heart, & soul, and love is all you give, it will return to you stronger than ever. Live by the truth. This is what makes you special. Don't be something your not. Be true and you will reap the rewards."
I told her I now realize that what felt like a curse to me for such a long time is actually a gift. Things happen for a reason. People come to us at points in our lives when you need them most, and the ones that count will stay forever. I feel grateful for everyday that I have to be with the ones I love. Thank goodness for my weekly massages, too. Without this guide that I have found in my therapist, rebuilding the road of love would be an even longer process.
Thanks "A"! I am in "Ah" with you.
JB
Anyway, this whole thought process started yesterday while I was getting my weekly massage. My therapist, who is the nicest person I have ever met (not to mention quite hot, if I may say so) and can read me like a book, sensed something was up. So, she asked me what my relationship was like with my Ex, and I told her it was perfect... that I thought the love we shared could surpass everything and anything, and it would be forever. I then asked her if she thought this wishful thinking. She made me realize that I was living true to my heart, and that's why I'm slowly healing. I asked her if she believed in everlasting love, love unconditional. She said, "Yes, if you are true to yourself, heart, & soul, and love is all you give, it will return to you stronger than ever. Live by the truth. This is what makes you special. Don't be something your not. Be true and you will reap the rewards."
I told her I now realize that what felt like a curse to me for such a long time is actually a gift. Things happen for a reason. People come to us at points in our lives when you need them most, and the ones that count will stay forever. I feel grateful for everyday that I have to be with the ones I love. Thank goodness for my weekly massages, too. Without this guide that I have found in my therapist, rebuilding the road of love would be an even longer process.
Thanks "A"! I am in "Ah" with you.
JB
Sunday, August 24, 2008
From Best Friend To Ex Friend (aka, HWSNBN)
As I have already posted in previous blogs, my Ex & once-upon-a-time best friend (who I now refer to as HWSNBN, which is short for 'He Who Shall Not Be Named' --- all you Harry Potter fans know where I'm coming from), slept together behind my back, and neither of them had the guts to tell me, until my Ex supposedly came clean about the whole thing. I say supposedly came clean because they actually continued to perpetuate the lie for another six months. The full story only just unfolded this past week. Anyway...
HWSNBN has not told (or will ever tell) me the truth because he simply doesn't have the moral capacity to face me. How could he? HWSNBN spent the last year and half hanging out with me, working with me, (yeah, we worked together too), and being my confidant. I told him everything about my Ex. Everything, including the intimate stuff because he had little, if any, experience with women, and he was really taken by my experiences. Now I really understand why the cruel little boy was so interested.
I think about all those times that we sat and talked about my Ex, me crying about how upset I was, professing my love for her, and him listening & comforting me. Little did I know he would then go home & sleep with her. All those times he told me to get over her, forget her, and how she was this & that (he used harsh, degrading words to describe her), it was just for show. He had both my Ex & I confiding in him, and he used facts from both sides of the story to drive an even deeper wedge between me & my Ex. He made it seem like neither one of us wanted anything to do with the other.
HWSNBN was my best friend & I loved him like a brother, but he did something so cruel to me to get what he wanted. There was one thing that he didn't consider, though. He didn't think that maybe the 16 years that my Ex and I shared were important enough for her & I to get past what happened. Since she told me the whole truth, it turns out that those years are important enough.
HWSNBN played me when I was at the weakest moment in my life. He told me he cared for me, loved me, and would be there to help me pick up the pieces. Oh, he picked up the pieces alright, but only to turn around and use them to build his house of lies at my expense. (Shame on you, HWSNBN, shame!) Well, he better enjoy it while he can because it likely won't last for much longer. I used to tell HWSNBN that one day he would see what it was like to be in my shoes. I never knew that he wanted to be in them so badly. Guess I was wrong. Instead of finding a straight girl, he found himself in bed with my gay/bi ex. How strange life is. I guess being a 24 old boy dating a 37 old cougar has its benefits. Demi and Aston are going to be jealous of them. I guess this make HWSNBN a lesbian by default.
JB
HWSNBN has not told (or will ever tell) me the truth because he simply doesn't have the moral capacity to face me. How could he? HWSNBN spent the last year and half hanging out with me, working with me, (yeah, we worked together too), and being my confidant. I told him everything about my Ex. Everything, including the intimate stuff because he had little, if any, experience with women, and he was really taken by my experiences. Now I really understand why the cruel little boy was so interested.
I think about all those times that we sat and talked about my Ex, me crying about how upset I was, professing my love for her, and him listening & comforting me. Little did I know he would then go home & sleep with her. All those times he told me to get over her, forget her, and how she was this & that (he used harsh, degrading words to describe her), it was just for show. He had both my Ex & I confiding in him, and he used facts from both sides of the story to drive an even deeper wedge between me & my Ex. He made it seem like neither one of us wanted anything to do with the other.
HWSNBN was my best friend & I loved him like a brother, but he did something so cruel to me to get what he wanted. There was one thing that he didn't consider, though. He didn't think that maybe the 16 years that my Ex and I shared were important enough for her & I to get past what happened. Since she told me the whole truth, it turns out that those years are important enough.
HWSNBN played me when I was at the weakest moment in my life. He told me he cared for me, loved me, and would be there to help me pick up the pieces. Oh, he picked up the pieces alright, but only to turn around and use them to build his house of lies at my expense. (Shame on you, HWSNBN, shame!) Well, he better enjoy it while he can because it likely won't last for much longer. I used to tell HWSNBN that one day he would see what it was like to be in my shoes. I never knew that he wanted to be in them so badly. Guess I was wrong. Instead of finding a straight girl, he found himself in bed with my gay/bi ex. How strange life is. I guess being a 24 old boy dating a 37 old cougar has its benefits. Demi and Aston are going to be jealous of them. I guess this make HWSNBN a lesbian by default.
JB
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Cotton Candy, Candy Apples, and Meow Meow
So, the Ex and I may have put some of our differences aside for the time being. I don't know if this will work out in any way, shape, or form, but I finally got an "I'm really sorry for all the bad things I have done to you over the last three years... I can't believe I treated you so badly, and I'm so, so sorry" from her. Better late than never, I guess. Or, maybe it's only because she has something else planned for me??? Being the skeptic that I am, I will continue to wear my full metal jacket (not the Stanley Kubrick movie Full Metal Jacket, good movie, by the way) just for sh*ts and giggles because six months ago (when I thought she was being nice) she only took the knife out of my back to turn around and plunge it into my chest. Talk about getting my signals crossed.
Anyway... I have planned a lovely afternoon for the both of us. As a surprise, I will be taking her to the local fair for some of what she loves most -- cotton candy and candy apples. If all goes well with kitten (hence the Meow Meow part of today's blog title), we will giggle like we did in the good old days, gossip about Brad, Angie, and the kids, who's wearing what in US and People magazine, Miss Sixty & all the fashionista stuff that we both love, and maybe somewhere along the way, she'll tell me why she (the 30-something cougar) is going to by a house with her little (barely 20-something) boy.
I guess now that she's made this huge life choice that she's the women that she's always wanted to be, she needs more in her life than ever before. Too bad it took two years & six months after the fact for all of this to transpire. I wonder what the real reasons are for this incredible turn of events. Why now? Why so soon after shoving our friendship and the love we had aside for three years? Oh, cotton candy, candy apples, and meow meow --- so sweet.
JB
Anyway... I have planned a lovely afternoon for the both of us. As a surprise, I will be taking her to the local fair for some of what she loves most -- cotton candy and candy apples. If all goes well with kitten (hence the Meow Meow part of today's blog title), we will giggle like we did in the good old days, gossip about Brad, Angie, and the kids, who's wearing what in US and People magazine, Miss Sixty & all the fashionista stuff that we both love, and maybe somewhere along the way, she'll tell me why she (the 30-something cougar) is going to by a house with her little (barely 20-something) boy.
I guess now that she's made this huge life choice that she's the women that she's always wanted to be, she needs more in her life than ever before. Too bad it took two years & six months after the fact for all of this to transpire. I wonder what the real reasons are for this incredible turn of events. Why now? Why so soon after shoving our friendship and the love we had aside for three years? Oh, cotton candy, candy apples, and meow meow --- so sweet.
JB
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