Trust: My Word of the Month

Trust is like a mirror. Once it’s broken, you never look at it the same again.
- Anonymous

Definitions for the word 'trust' found on the Web:

- have confidence or faith in a person or plan, etc
- allow without fear
- believing in the honesty and reliability of others
- expect and wish
- extend credit to
(wordnet.princeton.edu/perl/webwn)

If you've been reading my blog since August, then you know what happened with my Ex and HWSNBN. Never have I thought about trust as much as I have since those two turned my life upside down & inside out, which is why I chose it as my word of the month for December. You see, I've never had a problem trusting people, but it's not so easy for me now after what I've been through. This really saddens me because I believe that trust is very important in a relationship, no matter who it’s with (ex. lover, friend, etc), and I don't want to go through life with my guard up all the time.

How important is trust to you?

JB

Testimony: A Follow Up

It's been about a week now since I received the "testimony" e-mail from HWSNBN, and I still have indigestion from trying to stomach his bullsh*t. In light of a recent conversation I had with my Ex, it's pretty obvious to me that HWSNBN didn't send me his “testimony” because he feels remorseful. Rather, it's a way for him to use me for his own selfish reasons again. In a nutshell, it looks like HWSNBN is about to experience the same kind of train wreck my life turned into when my Ex decided she wanted to experience a man (but all she got was a boy). You see, HWSNBN has fallen head over heels in love with my Ex, but she hasn't fallen head over heels for him. Turns out she finally realized that he's not me, and she can't love him like she loved (or still loves) me. What we gave each other, he can only dream of having with her.

Ah, HWSNBN, this is your life. Are you happy, and was it all worth it for the both of you? Are you enjoying the relationship that you two created out of lies and blatant disregard for the person (i.e. me) who loved you both? Well, this is what you two get for settling for half lives. My life with her was passion, joy, fire, desire, and unconditional love for each other. Is this yours? I think not! If it was, I would not have received your bullsh*t “testimony” & she wouldn’t be crying over the mess you two made. Good luck with your relationship with someone who does not love you and never will. I hope you set her free so she can pursue real love because eventually you two will only drown in your lie.

This is my testimony.

JB

Testimony?

Well, well, well. What do we have here, folks? Apparently, it's a "testimony" from none other than HWSNBN. Go ahead, read the e-mail for yourselves. It's word for word, except for where I had to change a name or two for privacy reasons, and where I inserted my comments.

From: HWSNBN
Sent: September 11, 2008 9:43:12 PM
To: JB

September 8th 2008 (He wrote it on the 8th, but sent it to me on the 11th? Interesting. Wasn't the last year & a half already long enough to think about whether he should apologize or not?)

Dear JB;

I'm very sorry, I need to apologize. (Uh, sure, 18 months after the fact.)

I lied to your face, I cheated you of many decisions and reactions, and I abandoned you personally as well as professionally. (Wow, could that be any drier? Does someone need a glass of water?) I would, if you would like, to apologize to you in person. (If I would like? Wow, how considerate, NOT!)

I need to apologize to your mother as well. (I so dare you to try.)

I know my behavior was childish and ignorant. (Oh, found your balls, did ya?)

I realize now that there is and always was too much at stake. (You mean the one shoved in my back & heart?) I need to make amends not to satisfy myself (ya, right) but because it is the right thing to do (oh, you've discovered the difference between right & wrong now?), and I need to be honest with myself and others. (Oh, look who's a big boy now.)

I understand if you or your mother do not wish to talk to me. (No sh*t, Sherlock.) Please know I am truly remorseful and I regret my misdeeds. (Misdeeds. Misdemeanors. Missed the point completely, stoooopid!)

Signed (Signed? What is this, a business letter??)

HWSNBN (Just to be clear, he actually put his first & last name. As if I know anyone else with the same name as him who has to apologize for doing what he did to me, that stupid little #$%#!!)


All I've got to say is ya, right! Where does he think he is going with out a helmet, seriously?

JB

Breakfast With Bitter

I figured that breakfast with my sister (aka Bitter) this morning would, as per usual, be a frolicking trip down 'I hate the world and everyone can go f**k themselves' lane, and so it was. She never disappoints.

Me: (sitting down at the table) So, how are you today?

Bitter: What are you stupid? I just saw you last night at work. How the f**k do you think I am?

Me: Are you drunk? You don't seem like yourself.

Bitter: Actually, no, I'm stoned. I have been popping pills (Percocet for her lower back pain) all morning. Don't give me a lecture. Don't want to know and don't care.

Clearly, this was going to be a full force, in your face, bitterness hate festival of a breakfast. She started with HWSNBN, and then her ex (the guy left her to get married to a pure woman because he's Muslim and she isn't). Then, she went on a tirade about God ("Who the f**k does God think he is?") and my going to church.

Holy crap, I thought. She is going to explode like a nuclear missile. Time for a distraction.

Me: Do you think things happen for a reason?

Bitter: (nothing, just looking at me like I'm an idiot)

Me: Am I going to find love like Ellen?

Bitter: (clearing her throat) Can I tell you something, Bubbles (she calls me that sometimes)? Stop reading all those books about fixing your life and, please, for the love of God, pull your head out of your Ex's a** and get over it. She is the lowest form of human that I have ever encountered. She has dumped you, of all the people in the world, a kind soul like you, for a 24 year old, low life, pot smoking, paint balling, drinking fool who pisses more then a girl (he's got bladder problems), hanging out with his high school boyfriends (she says 'boyfriends' because she thinks he's gay), who have never been laid by real women, and him f**king your Ex doesn't count. She isn't a woman at all because she couldn't even leave her house to get laid and decide what her sexuality really is. Please, she is the most stupid idiot on this earth, and they both deserve each other. She settled for this. So, let her suck it up until there is nothing left, and when she comes back, slam the door in her face because you deserve so much better. Please, I beg of you, Bubbles, stop the insanity. Now, finish your breakfast and let me go back to my hole, and pop my pills, and contemplate how much I hate these people who have screwed you and me over, while I drink my strawberry daiquiris.

Me: (holy crap!) Umm, you really shouldn't mix booze and pills.

Bitter: Please, are you 12-teen, now? Butt out, Bubbles, and go hang out with your new girlfriends.

After all that, I wondered why she wanted to have breakfast to begin with, but I didn't ask. When we were done, I dropped her off in front of her place.

Bitter: (getting out of my car) Don't feel bad for me. You make your bed and you lay in it.

With the slam of my car door, she was gone. I took off for my mom's place feeling totally exhausted, and praying my mom wouldn't ask too many questions when I got there.

Me: (making my way through my mom's front door) Morning, ma.

Mother: Where is your sister?

Me: (uh oh, here we go) She isn't feeling well.

Mother: (a knowing look on her face) What, she drunk today?

Me: No.

Mother: You lie to me, eh?

Me: (sh*t) Ma...

Mother: She talk nonsense today?

Oh, how well we know each other.

JB

HWSNBN: Burn, Baby, Burn!

It's night and I can’t sleep (big surprise), so I thought that maybe it would be a good time to clean house, shall we say. I opened a cold Corona beer, made a cup of herbal tea (yeah, beer and tea... I like to mix it up at night), pulled my photo albums off the shelf, and started to rip out every single picture of my Ex and HWSNBN, posing together. I can’t rip pictures of my Ex, but of no problem. I have three albums to go through, but their will probably be only two left by the time I'm done. I wish I could just burn HWSNBN & the pictures, but my roommate is sleeping, and starting fire probably wouldn't be a good idea.

It's really sad, cruel, and totally unbelievable how mean people are to the ones they love. I never thought that ripping photos would be something that I would do, but after being hurt so bad by two people that I trusted completely, who wouldn’t? All these pictures that captured the good times that we had as friends are now nothing more than a lie. I can’t look at them without getting really mad, sad or sick to my stomach. I find HWSNBN absolutely revolting. There's this picture of him licking my Ex’s face. At the time, it was all in good fun, but now I know better. Personally, I would love to go and give him a slap in the face, but I respect myself to much, and refuse to lower myself to his level. So, ripping and tearing these pictures of him will have to do.

Time for another cold one.

JB

Love Conquers All

I really believe that love conquers all. I’m sure a lot of people think that's a little naive, but this is what I believe. The love that was and is still present after all that I've been through, the love that I thought I could hold on to forever, is holding on by itself. This is not to say that I have forgiven my Ex and HWSNBN for what they did to me, but I am now able to forgive myself for carrying all the hate and anger around. It was really weighing me down. As for forgiving them, it will be a long, hard road before I get to that point. Trust me when I say that I won't make it easy, nor should I. HWSNBN can wait forever because forgiving him ain't going to happen anytime soon, if at all in this life time.

Anyway, this whole thought process started yesterday while I was getting my weekly massage. My therapist, who is the nicest person I have ever met (not to mention quite hot, if I may say so) and can read me like a book, sensed something was up. So, she asked me what my relationship was like with my Ex, and I told her it was perfect... that I thought the love we shared could surpass everything and anything, and it would be forever. I then asked her if she thought this wishful thinking. She made me realize that I was living true to my heart, and that's why I'm slowly healing. I asked her if she believed in everlasting love, love unconditional. She said, "Yes, if you are true to yourself, heart, & soul, and love is all you give, it will return to you stronger than ever. Live by the truth. This is what makes you special. Don't be something your not. Be true and you will reap the rewards."

I told her I now realize that what felt like a curse to me for such a long time is actually a gift. Things happen for a reason. People come to us at points in our lives when you need them most, and the ones that count will stay forever. I feel grateful for everyday that I have to be with the ones I love. Thank goodness for my weekly massages, too. Without this guide that I have found in my therapist, rebuilding the road of love would be an even longer process.

Thanks "A"! I am in "Ah" with you.

JB

From Best Friend To Ex Friend (aka, HWSNBN)

As I have already posted in previous blogs, my Ex & once-upon-a-time best friend (who I now refer to as HWSNBN, which is short for 'He Who Shall Not Be Named' --- all you Harry Potter fans know where I'm coming from), slept together behind my back, and neither of them had the guts to tell me, until my Ex supposedly came clean about the whole thing. I say supposedly came clean because they actually continued to perpetuate the lie for another six months. The full story only just unfolded this past week. Anyway...

HWSNBN has not told (or will ever tell) me the truth because he simply doesn't have the moral capacity to face me. How could he? HWSNBN spent the last year and half hanging out with me, working with me, (yeah, we worked together too), and being my confidant. I told him everything about my Ex. Everything, including the intimate stuff because he had little, if any, experience with women, and he was really taken by my experiences. Now I really understand why the cruel little boy was so interested.

I think about all those times that we sat and talked about my Ex, me crying about how upset I was, professing my love for her, and him listening & comforting me. Little did I know he would then go home & sleep with her. All those times he told me to get over her, forget her, and how she was this & that (he used harsh, degrading words to describe her), it was just for show. He had both my Ex & I confiding in him, and he used facts from both sides of the story to drive an even deeper wedge between me & my Ex. He made it seem like neither one of us wanted anything to do with the other.

HWSNBN was my best friend & I loved him like a brother, but he did something so cruel to me to get what he wanted. There was one thing that he didn't consider, though. He didn't think that maybe the 16 years that my Ex and I shared were important enough for her & I to get past what happened. Since she told me the whole truth, it turns out that those years are important enough.

HWSNBN played me when I was at the weakest moment in my life. He told me he cared for me, loved me, and would be there to help me pick up the pieces. Oh, he picked up the pieces alright, but only to turn around and use them to build his house of lies at my expense. (Shame on you, HWSNBN, shame!) Well, he better enjoy it while he can because it likely won't last for much longer. I used to tell HWSNBN that one day he would see what it was like to be in my shoes. I never knew that he wanted to be in them so badly. Guess I was wrong. Instead of finding a straight girl, he found himself in bed with my gay/bi ex. How strange life is. I guess being a 24 old boy dating a 37 old cougar has its benefits. Demi and Aston are going to be jealous of them. I guess this make HWSNBN a lesbian by default.

JB