Food for Thought: A Mother's Love for Her Child

Hi Everyone,

I know Mother's Day isn't until the weekend, but I've been super busy lately, so I'm posting something while I have the chance.

The following quote about a mother's love for her child comes from best selling author, Agatha Christie.

To all you mom's out there, I salute you!


Until next time,

Eddy

Food for Thought: Grief is Just Love...

Hello Everyone,

Since my earlier post last Friday, JB and I have had a bunch of sad news come our way. The saddest news of all being that a very dear cousin of ours passed away. Cancer... I hate that disease.

Our cousin was something else. Husband, father, brother, friend... story teller. Truly, he could talk and talk and talk! I have no idea how he could remember so far back into his childhood with such clarity. I'm lucky if recall what I ate last night for dinner. I'm going to miss his stories. I'll miss his phone calls -- "Hey, what you doin'?" -- every month. He lived out west, so we didn't see each other much. I think the last time we got together in person was over five years ago. Time goes fast when you're busy living your life, but he's done living now -- at least on this earthly plane. No doubt he's chatting up a storm with his parents, my dad, and other family members who've crossed over. Yep, they're having a reunion party, while the rest of us are grieving. And so it goes....

What is grief? I came across something by a woman named Jamie Anderson that really resonated with me and I want to share it with all of you.

"Grief is just love with no place to go." Well said, Jamie, well said.


Goodbye, cousin. Thanks for the memories. We'll miss you.

- Eddy & JB

Food for Thought: The Greatest Heroes

Hi Everyone,

Today is Mother's Day and a fine day to share some food for thought! I know, it's been a while, huh? Well, this quote by relationship author Shannon L. Alder really captures what it means to be a mom.

May all you mom's out there have a most splendid Mother's Day!

Until next time,

Eddy

Food for Thought: The Natural State of Motherhood

Hello Everyone,

Mother's Day is this weekend and it's been a while since I posted some food for thought, so I wanted to share a quote by award-winning actress Jessica Lange. I have no doubt that all you moms out there know exactly what she's talking about. I sure do!

My best wishes to moms everywhere. Have a wonderful and blessed Mother's Day surrounded by those you love and cherish.

Until next time,

Eddy

Food for Thought: Never Give Up...

Hi All,

Last week I was considering whether I should "walk away or try harder" when it comes to a certain family member. Well, this week's food for thought is the answer to my question.

I've decided that I can't give up on this person who is always in my thoughts, not after all this time. Sure, I might wish that things were progressing at a faster rate, but I know that people need to learn in their own time. And, when I think back on everything that's happened this past year, there are some things that this person has done that I am really proud, one being apologies to other family members that were long overdue. It takes a lot to admit to mistakes and wrong doings, so that was a major step in the right direction. Most of all, though, this person is family. Therefore, I will continue helping, guiding and supporting the best that I can, and I will praise all positive changes with the hope that this will encourage many more good things to come.

As always, I'd love to hear your thoughts, so please feel free to comment below.

Until next time,

Eddy

Food for Thought: Walk Away or Try Harder

Hi All,

Back in July I wrote about how I sometimes find it difficult letting those I care about learn lessons on their own. I'm experiencing this again as of late. I have a family member who is particularly stubborn and just can't seem grasp that change is required if change is desired. Hmm, I'm a poet and didn't know it. LOL Seriously, though, I am at the point where I don't know how much harder I can try to get this person to understand this concept. ~ sigh ~

There is a huge back story to all of this, but the long and the short of it is that this person has been through a lot -- emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually -- and I know it's going to take time to make changes and form new habits, but I feel like I am being used and I don't like it. On one hand, I think I have given all of the support and good advice that I can at this point and it's time to let go. On the other hand, however, I feel like I need to be more patient with this person because of the back story. ~ sigh ~

It's tough, really tough. JB and I were discussing this the other day, and she said, "Eddy, who's going to take care of you?"

Yeah, good question.

Until next time,

Eddy

Food for Thought: A Mother is...

Hi Everyone,

Today's food for thought is dedicated to all you Mom's out there. Happy Mother's Day!

Until next time,

Eddy

A Case of Mistaken Identity

This is a story about the day that my mother robbed the bank down the street from the restaurant we used to own. Yes, you read that right. Who would have thought that a 4’11, 65-year-old women weighing in around 100 pounds could pull off such a feat without ever leaving her place of work? Well, let me tell you how it all went down.

On a super sunny, yet awfully chilly, Saturday afternoon in November we were doing what we always do before opening for dinner service – prep work. My mother was actually busy cleaning a leg of veal because the butcher didn’t have the cut of meat she wanted for delivery earlier in the week, so he had to special order it. Even though we had nothing to do with it, this setback made my mother rather angry and irritated with all of us, so my sister, HWSNBN, my Ex and I decided we’d let her be alone with her meat for a while.

As I was putting the liquor order away, I suddenly heard tires squealing like Vin Diesel and the rest of the Fast Five crew were tearing around a curve in the road. I look up and out the window across the way from where I was standing to see three police cars pull in fast and furious, alright. Two of them came right up to the front door, while the other car blocked the entrance to the parking lot.

My first thought was that they were coming for HWSNBN because he had just picked up some stuff from a couple of friends who are entrepreneurs of exotic plant sales, if you get my drift. My second thought was that maybe they found out what my sister had been up to lately (a story for another day). I had no time for a third thought because the cops started banging on the door.

Me: (holy crap!!!!!) Okay, everyone, just stay calm and act naturally.

Officer: Police, open up!

Me: (yelling out) Coming! Just a moment, please!

As I made my way to the door, my sister and my Ex went to stand around the corner where they could hear, but not be seen. Meanwhile, HWSNBN actually stayed with me, even though I thought that he was the one who should probably go hide.

Officer: (pounding on the door) Police! Open this door!

Me: (whispering) Sh*t, this is crazy.

HWSNBN: (whispering back) Yeah, but I think you better hurry up and open the door before they break it down.

Me: (taking a deep breath, and then slowly opening the door) Yes?

Officer: (entering with one of his fellow officers) Does a Mrs. B reside at this address?

Me: (my mother? WHAT???) Uh, well, yes… What do you want from her?

Officer: We have information pertaining to her and some illegal activities that occurred at a bank in a nearby village at 10am this morning.

Me: (hahahaha!! WHAT????) Did someone steal the $25 bucks she had in her account?

Officer: (dead pan serious) This is not a joke, Miss. This is a police investigation.

Me: (sh*t!) Well, I’m her daughter, thanks for asking, and I realize you are trying to do your job, but I think maybe you got some misinformation.

Officer: Please, if your mother is here, we need to question her.

Me: (literally laughing out loud at this point because it was all just to freakin’ hilarious) Um, my mother robbed the bank?? I’m sorry, but that’s just nuts.

At that moment, my sister and My Ex burst out laughing and ran into the ladies room to hide. HWSNBN stayed put, but I could tell it was taking everything he had to keep it together.

Officer: (in a very stern voice) This is a serious matter!

Me: (trying to hold back the sarcasm) Exactly how did she rob the bank and how much money did she supposedly take? She’s 65 years old, 4 feet 11 inches, weighs 100 pounds and has been standing in front of her butcher block since 8am this morning. Unless she’s part Harry Houdini and part Dirty Harry, you guys are mistaken.

Officer: We are not at liberty to discuss this with you, young lady. And, what is that banging noise?

Me: That would be my mother. She’s tenderizing veal.

Officer: Excuse me? 

Me: Just a minute. I will go get her for you.

Officer: Good. 

Me: (making my way to the kitchen and yelling out…) Hey, Ma!! The police want to talk to you about the bank you robbed this morning.

Mother: (yelling back at me) What you talking about?

Me: (entering the kitchen) Ma, the police here. They say you robbed the bank this morning.

Mother: (eyes wide) EXCUSE ME? You crazy or something???

Me: (giggling) Come out here and talk to them.

Out came my mother wearing her bloody apron (literally, it was bloody from cleaning the meat). If you could have seen the faces of those polices officers... Talk about priceless.

Officer: (clearing his throat) Mrs. B?

Mother: Yes, I’m her.

Officer: Did you rob the bank this morning at 10am?

Mother: (looking at them like they were complete idiots) Excuse, me? You think I rob the bank?

Officer: Mrs. B this is serious. You car was involved in this robbery.

Mother: My car? I don’t think so. My car sit outside, no working anymore.

Officer: Did you cancel the plates on the vehicle?

Mother: My ex-husband, he do it.

Officer: I don’t think so because someone stole the plates and you should have reported this to the police.

Mother: No, someone stole the radio… this I know.

Officer: Someone also stole the plates.

Mother: Well, me, I no see it, so I don’t know this happen.

Officer: Yes, but we need to do some paper work for this and you should have that vehicle removed.

Mother: Now I have to finish my meat. You come back later for do the paperwork.

Officer: Yes, we can do that. Sorry about the mix up.

As soon as they left we all ran into the kitchen and asked my mother where she stashed the money so we could get the hell out of dodge. She laughed so much and just couldn’t believe they thought that she of all people would rob a bank!

Yup, best Saturday ever. lol

Shitty McShitty

Like many of you out there, I start my mornings off with a coffee. Well, not today. Instead, it started with a loud knock at my door. Seeing as it was still early, I knew it could only be one person.

Mother: JB, hey, open da door, please! 

Me: (seriously, what is she doing here at this hour?) Ma, stop yelling. I’m coming.

Mother: Hurry up!! 

Me: (opening the door) What? What’s wrong?

Mother: (barging past me) My stomach hurt. I be up all night. I can’t go. I’m constipate. Oh my God, the pain! 

Me: (yeah, and what about my pain?) You mean constipated, not constipate.

Mother: (nothing, just her evil glare)

Me: (closing the door) Ma, it’s 8:30 in the morning and I haven’t even had my coffee. What do you want me to do, give you an enema?

Mother: (yelling) No, make fun of me, JB! I can’t go and I’m in pain!! 

Me: Well, I have some Metamucil. You can take that.

Mother: (angry) No, that no working! I need go buy my medicine! 

Me: (annoyed) For the love of God, okay, Shitty McShitty!! I will take you to buy your medicine, but can I pleeeeeease make myself a coffee first?

Mother: (practically poking my right eye out with her finger) Why you have to swear at me? 

Me: (oh, f**k me…) Because it is 8:30am, I just woke up and you want me to take you to buy laxatives -- that’s why!

Mother: (still pointing her finger) You don’t go mad at me! I need my medicine, okay? 

Me: (omg, kill me now) Yes, okay, Ma. I will take you to the pharmacy, but first I need a coffee and a couple Advil.

Mother: You get dress. I make you cahfee, so you go fast. 


Whatever you say, Shitty McShitty.

JB

I Love My Sister, But Not This Much

When I got up this morning, I had a message from Eddy about something that she came across while reading through some entertainment news about what's happening on various TV shows. In the message was a link to check out a video. Well, I watched the clip and all I have to say is that I love my sister, but not this much.



Clearly, Kourtney & Khloe Kardashian are really close, but that's just way too close for me & Bitter.

What do you say, ladies, would you let your sister help you out in this way?

JB

Moving On Up

I'm sure many of you have noticed that I haven't been around here all that much these last few weeks. It's not because I haven't wanted to be. I have tired, believe me. I've just been too exhausted to write thanks to the madness that is currently my life. You see, yours truly is going to be assistant bakery manager. Yes, I'm moving on up, and it's been absolute h*ll trying to get there. I wanted to tell you guys all about it when I first found out, but I have never worked this hard or this many hours in my life, and it's left me with very little time & energy for blogging. I was actually supposed to have two days off for each five days of training, but I've been pulling some deli shifts as well because they are super busy & still haven't hired someone to take my place.

Anyway, I have to say that I am excited about my new position, but I'm going to miss the deli. At least I knew what I was doing there. You're probably thinking that if I can cook, I can bake, but you're wrong. My mother & sister did all the baking stuff for the restaurant because I just didn't have a knack for it at all. You see, baking is fairly exact, whereas you can cheat on ingredients when it comes to cooking. Lucky for me (more like lucky for my customers), someone else is doing the actual baking. I'll just be holding down the fort, as well as building & decorating cakes. The woman who's training me really knows her stuff, but I'll tell you more about her & what I'm learning another time. Instead, I'm going to share the lovely conversation that I had with my mother when I told her about my promotion.

Me: Hey, Ma!

Mother: Hello, who's a speaking?

Me: Ma, it's me.

Mother: Me who?

Me: It's JB, Ma. What's wrong, you don't recognize my voice today?

Mother: Please, no start already. I just get the phone and you start. What you want?

Me: (I'm fine, Ma, thanks for asking, and you? Geez!) I got a promotion at work. I start training next week. I’m so happy!

Mother: You get more money, or you just stand around talking to customers and no working like I know you do?

Me: Ma, you know I work really hard. And, yes, I get more money.

Mother: Ya, right! I see you in action, all funny, making people laugh. You a good girl, but sometime you talk too much at work. I no forget you know.

Me: (and you'll never let me forget either) Ma, listen, you want to know what I'll be doing?

Mother: OK, tell me.

Me: I'm the new assistant bakery manager!

All of a sudden, I hear bang, clang, shabang on the other end of the line, and then crazy hysterical laughing. My mother had dropped the phone & was killing herself laughing at me. Not that I don't love it when she laughs, but I just told her I got promoted, for Pete sake.

Me: Ma, hello? Are you OK?

Mother: Oh my God, JB! You crazy! Remember when we made biscotti and cream puffs at the restaurant? What you do, remember??

Me: Uhh....

Mother: I give you the recipe and you tell me no worry, you can do it.

Me: Yeah... where are you going with this?

Mother: You no remember?

Me: (racking my brain) Not really....

Mother: Come on, you know.

Me: (still thinking...)

Mother: What you use that day... two times... the same mistake?

Me: Ohhhhh, now I remember... the baking powder.

Mother: Yes, baking powder, but what you use?

Me: I used baking soda.

Mother: Why?

Me: (make me feel like an idiot, why don't ya) Because I thought it was the same thing.

Again I hear crazy laughing on her end of the line. She was really enjoying herself at my expense.

Mother: My baby, she going to bake!

Me: No, someone else...

Mother: You know, JB, I love you and I think you can be great manager, but baking not for you.

Me: Someone else is doing the baking, Ma. I just have to follow the book that shows you how to do the decorating. There are pictures and instructions for each cake.

Mother: (nothing, she just starts laughing her a** off again)

Me: Ma, will you stop laughing at me already?

Mother: You read a book and look at pictures? You people crazy!

Me: Ma, do you have any idea how many kinds of cakes there are?

Mother: (totally ignoring what I just said) You tell your sister yet?

Me: No, not yet.

Mother: Why? You scared because she used to work in bakery? She going to cry for you when she find out you bake with a picture book.

Me: Ma, I told you I'm not baking anything.

Mother: I'm so proud of you.

Me: Really? I never would have guessed from all of your hysterical laughing.

Mother: You have to tell your sister. Maybe you bake us cake sometime, eh?

Me: (my mother, the comedian) Ma, stop it!

Mother: Why, you can bake for us, no?

Me: I'm hanging up now, Ma. Bye...

Mother: (nothing, just more laughing)


JB

Happy Mother's Day!

In honour of Mother's Day, I thought I'd post this funny little ditty that always resurfaces via e-mail around this time of year.

Things My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that’s why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going
to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on. Don’t you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You’re just like your father."

23 My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you’ll understand."

25. My mother taught me JUSTICE.
"One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

To all you mom's out there, I salute you!

JB

Get A Room!

The other day, I was over at Rob's blog reading his post about a couple caught having sex in a dumpster, and it reminded me of a similar story involving my mother. Get your heads out of the gutter, people. My mother is not a dumpster diver (at least as far as I know), but... Well, let me start at the beginning.

One night at the restaurant (FYI - if you're new here, my family used to be in the restaurant biz), this couple came in and we knew right away that they were the touchy-feely kind. This meant that they would be there all night because they'd be far too busy pawing at each to concentrate on anything else. How they managed to get through dinner without sitting on each others laps is still beyond me. Seriously, they were two bj's short of a porno & we thought they would never leave. Anyway... after four hours of petting, stroking, tonguing, and God knows what else (it's not like we could see under the table with the tablecloth draped over it), they finally asked for the bill & paid. Other than my mother who was going to do some prep work before calling it a night, the rest of us were ready to go home, so we headed out thinking that the lovers would soon follow suit. Well, the next day my sister and I arrived at work to find out that we were mistaken.

Mother: I have something to tell you.

My sister and I looked at each other with our 'Uh oh, we're in sh*t for something' faces and prepared for the worst.

Mother: You know the lovers that were here last night?

Me: Yeah.

Mother: Well, those lovers were really in love after you guys went home.

Me: (looking at my sister wide-eyed, then back at my mother) O... K...

Mother: I go to the door with them when they leave. I say thank you, good night, see you soon, and then I lock up.

Sister: OK.

Mother: Then, I go back in the kitchen to do my prep work.

Me: Yeah...

Mother: Before I finish, I think I need to go take out the garbage because you guys forgot.

Me: OK, and then what?

Mother: Oh, the lovers, they in love very much. Too much for me to handle.

Sister: Ma, you're killing me. Come on.

Mother: So, I go outside with the garbage, pulling the can because it's too heavy for me to carry. I making a lot of noise too. You think someone would hear me.

Me: And???

Mother: I see beside the garbage (she means the dumpster) that someone left their car. Maybe they take a taxi home, you know.

Sister: AND???!!!!!!!

Mother: I see white.

Me: White what??

Mother: I see a naked culo (that's slang for 'ass' for all of you who don't know Italian).

Sister: WHAT?

Mother: And then I see another one.

Me: WHAT??

Mother: They having sex beside the garbage.

Sister: WHAT???!!!!!!!!

Me: On the ground????

Mother: Yes, and I ask them what's a matter with them and why they do this outside.

Me: OMG!

Mother: And I ask them why they don't go in the car if they don't go home. They say they very sorry and that they going to leave. I tell them they better go because I call the police.

Sister: Holy sh*t , ma!

Mother: I no understand these people. What happened to the bed... the old fashioned way?

Me: (taking the opportunity to tease her) Oh, ma, you're so old school. Did you and Daddy make me in the bed?

Mother: (totally serious) That's not your business!

Me: So, did you see it (don't make me spell out what it is, people)?

Sister: (grinning) Yeah, ma, did you?

Me: (watching my mother blush & turn away from us towards the stove) You did! OMG, you did!!!

Mother: OK, enough, go back to work.

Sister: (laughing & teasing) No, not until you tell us if you saw it or not.

Mother: No, that's enough, I say. Get to work.

All day long we teased her. LOL The poor woman. Seriously, though, what the h*ll is wrong with some people? Sex in a dumpster... beside a dumpster? For the love of God, folks, get a room!!!! If you can't get one, beg, steal or borrow one, please!!!

JB

Awarded Again!

My dear fellow bloggers, I have been awarded again. :) This time it's the Neno's award & it was given to me by Magdalena over at The Untamed Thoughts on Autism. Thank you, Magdalena, I am honoured!

Neno's award is given to those who love blogging & love to encourage friendships through blogging. It also seeks to know the reasons why the person being awarded loves blogging.

So, first things first. Why do I love blogging? Well, I started blogging because I was broken and feeling helpless, and I desperately needed an avenue to express myself. I went to therapy, did my yoga, and tried all kinds of other things too, but nothing was really helping until I started blogging. Blogging saved my life, it really did. I mean it. I was on the verge of suicide, but one morning I called Eddy and told her that I wanted to start a blog or something because I needed an outlet. Well, in a couple of hours, Eddy got me up and running & I haven't looked back since. I wrote out all the pain, despair, anger, everything. I wrote until I cried over all that I lost, and somehow, little by little, I gained so much more. I got my life back!! Not only that, I've made so many wonderful new friends. I started healing from my pain because complete strangers took the time to read what I had to say & to leave me messages of encouragement, hope, and love. You have no idea how much that means to me & I thank you all so much. I will never forget what you've done for me & continue to do for me. Lastly, the most amazing thing out of all this is my relationship with my super great cuz, Eddy. Without her help, her pushing me to write, and telling me to get to it, I could never have come this far. So, with great love and appreciation, thank you, Eddy. It's all because of you that I’m able to forge this new road. Thank-you, and I promise that I'm going to buy a better dictionary & that I will use less commas when I'm writing my drafts. LOL

Now, I'm to pass the Neno's award on to as many bloggers as I choose. Those of you selected must then do the following:

1. Collect the award by saving the badge & posting it on your blog

2. Write a blog post about the Neno's award -- tell everyone what it's about, who awarded it to you, and also tell everyone why you love blogging

3. Pass the award on to as many bloggers as you like by naming them in your post & linking back to their blogs

4. Let those bloggers know that they have been awarded

I have chosen the following bloggers as Neno's award recipients:

Court at Tangles Out

Polly at Polly Abroad


JB

The End Is Near

Some of you have probably noticed that it’s been a while since I've written a restaurant related post. Well, I wanted to let all of you know that when I do sit down to write a new restaurant story that it will be from days gone by because, as of next month, I will no longer be in the restaurant biz. It's closing time for us, and we have two really good reasons for doing it at this point in time.

1. Besides the fact that my mother is no longer a spring chicken (but damn it the woman is tough), she needs major surgery on both her shoulders, ASAP. She has lost a lot of motion in her left arm and is really suffering with her right. Even with the surgery, she simply can’t work like she used to, and she shouldn't have to either. It’s time for her to enjoy her golden years before it’s too late.

2. Not long after my mother was told that she needed surgery, my sister was diagnosed with Lupus and degenerative disc disease. The combination of the two is more painful than she can put into words, and being on her feet all day long is only making matters worse.

In other words, there is no way that we can continue with the condition that those two ladies are in. If we do, one or both will likely end up collapsing on the kitchen floor and none of us want that to happen. So, closing is what’s in their best interest, and, honestly, I think it’s time for me to move on as well.

Looking back, we've been very successful, but there have been some very hard times too. After 20 plus years that we've been at it, letting go isn't easy, but at the same time there’s also sense of relief for us all. The life lessons that we learned will follow us wherever we go. I’m really going to miss the people that we got to know over the years, and the employees that have been with us for many of those years. I’m also really going to miss the family get-togethers that we had during the holidays, and whenever relatives would visit from out of town. So many memories, folks, so many memories...

JB

Note: If you're new here and haven't read any of my restaurant related posts, I've listed all of them below. Please feel free to leave comments, if you wish. I'd love to hear from you.

To Plastic Wrap or Not To Plastic Wrap
Half Al Dente, Half Slightly More Cooked?
Laundry Guy vs. Bitter Sister
The Secret of the Sauce
Today I Watched
P.S. I Hate Alfredo!
Letters To My Customers
Letter To My Customers - Part 2

Kids

The other day, my sister called to tell me yet another priceless story about my 4 year old cousin. This kid is always up to something, and this time the little bugger decided to test the weather with one of his body parts (not a good idea, let me tell you) when his Nonna was walking him to school. Today it's about 12 below zero outside, but last week we were in a deep freeze, so every day was 30 to 40 below zero. In other words, it was freakin' freezin' outside. Anyway, everything was fine until Nonna stopped to button up her jacket a little higher, so the collar would cover more of her face. In the few seconds that it took to make the adjustment, my cousin managed to get stuck to a steel pole by way if his tongue.

Cousin: Ahuh... Namna!

Nonna: OMG! What is wrong with you? Why did you do this?

Cousin: I dant dohw... I sawb dem do ipt im schuhhl.

Nonna: Not in -40 weather, honey.

Cousin: Pleece, Namna, helb.

Well, Nonna did her best, slowly pulling to free his tongue, but it just wasn't happening. So, she called up his father and relayed the news. He was not impressed, not one bit. Unfortunately, when he showed up, he couldn't free my cousin either, and that left them only one other option, they had to call 911.

Operator: 911, what is your emergency?

Father: My son licked a pole and his tongue is stuck to it.

Operator: Excuse me? What is the emergency?

Father: My son is stuck to a pole.

Operator: Your son is stuck to a pole?

Father: Yes.

Operator: By his tongue? That's what you said, correct?

Father: Yes.

Operator: Where?

Father: Outside.

Operator: Outside where? Outside your house?

Father: No, nearby his school.

Operator: Sir, have you tried to pull him off the pole?

Father: Yes.

Operator: And?

Father: Nothing. The pole has him by the tongue and it won't let him go.

Operator: The pole won't let him go?

Father: No, the pole is winning, my son is bleeding, and we are freezing. Please, send someone to help us.

Operator: OK, let me get this straight, the pole is outside by the school, it has your son by the mouth, and it won't free him from it's grasp?

Father: Yes.

Operator: I'm dispatching ambulance and fire, sir. Please stay at the location.

Father: Where else do you think we'll go, lady? My son is stuck to a pole.

I'm pretty sure that 911 operator must have peed herself trying to refrain from laughing because that's pretty much what I'm doing right now trying to relay this story. LOL

Anyway, the emergency services came, applied some sort of goop to the pole, and peeled my cousin off of it. Meanwhile, as if all that wasn't bad enough, there was a $50 fee for each service because they didn't consider what had happened to be a 'real' emergency.

I don't know about you guys, but a 4 year old child stuck to a steel pole by way of his tongue in 40 below weather sounds like an emergency to me.

JB

Once Upon A Night In The 80's

In the late 80’s, about a week after my grandmother died, I was pretty much on the way to a nervous breakdown, so I went on a drug binge (I was young, forgive my stupidity), determined to make it all go away. Why am I telling all of you this? Well, I was talking to Eddy the other night about these dreams that she’s been having about her dad (that’s my Uncle who just passed), and something that Eddy said made me flashback to that week. I couldn't recall all the details, however, (no big surprise, considering the condition I was in), so I asked my sister if she remembered anything. Thankfully, her memory is much better than mine, and she helped me piece things together. In order for this story to make any sense, though, I need to back up even further into my past, so here goes…

When I was a child, an Aunt of mine who was very dear to me passed away. She’d been ill for quite some time and there was nothing more the doctors could do for her. Saying goodbye to her broke my heart, but we had to let her go. Not long after death, I started seeing her all the time in the middle of the night. (No, I was not on drugs at the time.) She would appear seated at the end of my bed & she’d talk to me, only I could never hear what she was saying. I just saw her lips moving, and somehow I could read them. She would tell me to be good, to stay close to my sister, and that she would be there for me if ever I lost my way.

OK, fast forward a good ten years to the week after my grandmother died. Basically, I had this death wish. Nothing made sense. No one could reach me or reason with me. I was in total darkness & wanted out of the world, literally. So, on a cold (and I mean super cold) winter's night, I ingested two full hits of acid, then took off to get super trashed with my sister at one of the nightclubs we used to go to. While I was there trippin' the light fantastic, I happened to glance up at this very long staircase that led to the second floor and had myself one heck of a vision. Floating down the stairs in my direction was my Aunt surrounded by the most amazing white glow. I knew I was high & all, but holy sh*t!!!! I started squeezing my sister’s hand and screaming…

Me: She’s coming!! She’s coming!!!!!

Sister: Who?

Me: Zia (which means Aunt in Italian) is coming!!!

Sister: WHAT?

Me: Look, now she’s right beside me!!

Sister: OMG, JB, snap out of it. You’re just high. Stop hallucinating.

Me: No! Look, she is right here! Can’t you see her?

Of course, all my sister could see was me pointing at nothing & acting like a crazy person, which means she definitely didn't see my Aunt reach out & grab my hand.

Sister: JB, it’s the f**king drugs. No one’s there.

It might have looked like I was staring wide eyed into thin air to her, but what she didn't know was that my Aunt had not only grabbed my hand, but she had also begun speaking to me.

Aunt: Please, JB, you need to stop doing this. You are going to kill yourself. This is not your time. You have to stop now. Come.

Clearly, it had to be the drugs messing with my mind, but, at the same time, I honestly felt her hand holding mine & pulling me through the maze of people partying the night away. Meanwhile, I totally forgot that I was still hanging onto my sister with my other hand, which meant I was dragging her right along with me.

Sister: JB! Where the h*ll you going?

Where I went was outside into the freezing cold, and the frosty air hit me like a slap in the face.

Sister: Holy sh*t, stop! Are you crazy?

I finally let go of my sister, which was a good thing because my next step sent me slippin' & slidin' on some ice and flying head first into the bumper of a car. In the 80’s, cars had steel bumpers, not plastic, so believe you me it freakin' hurt. I looked up expecting to see my Aunt, but there was only my sister reaching down to pick me up. I don’t know how she managed to get me to my feet without falling on the ice herself, but she did. She then hauled my a** into one of the taxi’s that was parked outside the club, and that was the end of our evening.

The next morning, I woke up with a wicked bump on my head, the most intense hangover a human could possibly endure, and my Aunt staring at me. No, not another vision, I mean her picture, which still sits on my bedside table even now. I know I can’t prove that she saved my life all those years ago, but I truly believe that I wouldn't be here telling this story today if my Aunt hadn't guided me out of the club that night. If I would have stayed and got super drunk like I’d planned, there’s no doubt in my mind that the mix of drugs (which I never touched again after that night, by the way) & alcohol would have stopped my heart. I know that’s what I thought I wanted at the time, but I’m so glad that it didn't happened.

JB

P.S. I Hate Alfredo!

When I got to work today, my mother was making Alfredo sauce. No one, and I mean no one, can make Alfredo like this crazy Italian woman can. Well, at least that’s what she thinks. Back in the day, when we first started the restaurant, I would agree. Now, however, I’m not so sure. I could say something about it, but, trust me, there’s no point. The best I can do when it comes to Alfredo is offer to stir it for her because you have to keep at it for a while before it’s ready to come off the heat, and her arm (which is sore from years of cooking… arthritis...) can only take so much before it feels like it’s about to fall off. So, that’s what I was going to do, but first I needed a coffee.

Me: Morning, ma. I’m going to make myself an espresso. Would you like one?

Mother: If it’s no problem.

If it’s no problem? Great, I've been here less than 5 minutes and she’s throwing punches already.

After I made coffee, I went to put on my armor (full body for today) and headed for the kitchen.

Me: Can I stir that for you, ma?

No response, just a look that would scare even unborn children.

Me: What’s that look for?

Mother: You have something else to do, like go write that stuff you write on your computer?

Me: Why, do I need a stirring degree for Alfredo?

Mother: JB, stop bothering me.

Me: Ma, please. I can see your arm hurts. Let me stir the Alfredo. I swear I won’t steal your job from you.

Mother: Oh my God, please, I’m not handicapped. Go blag.

Me: Blog, ma. It's blog.

Mom: Blag. You talk about me, eh? You say bad things about me. Your sister told me.

Me: Oh, you believe her, the women that forgot to tell us she changed religions & got married (a long story… not going there right now)?

Mother: Don’t be like that. She made a mistake.

Me: You call that a mistake? You’re kidding me, right?

Mother: JB, you talk about me, I know.

Me: Stop changing the subject.

Meanwhile, she isn't even looking at me. She’s still stirring the Alfredo, holding the freakin' spatula with all her might, just in case I attempt to pry it out of her hands.

Me: Ma, are you going to let me help you or are we going to play this game all day?

Mother: What is this blag? Why you tell strangers my business & call your sister ‘Bitter’? You talk to people you don't know. You go crazy?

Me: Why are you asking me? As for Bitter, I call her that because she is bitter... and you’re controlling. Nice combo.

Mother: I no control you. And her, she get married when I was in Italy, so I no control her either. Then, she even get a divorce.

Me: Yeah, and how much did it cost us to get her divorced?

Mother: It’s OK, JB, you give me babies one day, OK?

Me: Stop it! I’m not giving you babies. Not now, not next week, and not for you.

Mother: You tell people on your blag you don’t want to give me no babies? You tell that?

Me: Oh my God, ma you make me nuts!!

(Enter, Bitter…)

Sister: Ma, as if she would have a baby. She is a baby. Here, let me finish the Alfredo for you, OK?

Without missing a beat, my mother hands over the spatula to her.

Me: So, what, you two are on the same side today? It’s you guys against me?

Sister: JB, why don’t you go blog instead of standing around. Or, even better, why don’t you go talk to people?

Mother: Ya, let’s go have another coffee.

Me: No, I don’t want to have coffee with you right now.

Mother: Come on. Tell me what you tell people about us.

Me: I tell people you guys are nuts and you're making me nuts.

Mother: So, why you don’t get married to a rich man and have kids? You can stay home like me.

Me: Uh, hello? Dad was always out somewhere and you worked two jobs. No one was home. What, all of a sudden you got Alzheimer’s?

Mother: Don’t make fun of those people. They forget. Me, I want to forget, but I can’t because I have you to remind me. You just like him. Thank God I have your sister.

Me: Oh, today you thank God you have Bitter?

Mother: What? You jealous?

They both grinned at me like Cheshire cats.

Me: I’m going to the office.

Mother: OK, go write another story, go.

I'd do just about anything to get the heck away from you two right now, I thought as I made my way to my desk with their cackling laughter trailing behind me.

Seriously, why do I bother?

JB

P.S. I hate Alfredo! And, why the h*ll is it called Alfredo, anyway??

Today I Watched

There are days at work when everyone and their mother, father, sister, brother, aunt, uncle, cousin, best friend, neighbour and a slew of other people come busting through the doors begging for a table. There are also days when you can count the lunch reservations on one hand & the dinner reservations on the other. Today was one of those days. Since there wasn't much to do, I sat on the kitchen stairs watching my mother & sister doing what they could to keep busy. God forbid they take a break while they have the chance. No, they just had to argue about what food to prep & how to do it.

Why do they do this? Well, the long & the short of it is that my sister is a complete control freak and so is my mother. They're also both perfectionists. I, on the other hand, am neither of those things. I don't care too much about how we get something done, as long as we get it done. They always tell me that I don't take things seriously enough, and I just say, "Why, are the serious restaurant police going to arrest me for not taking my job seriously enough? Please, ladies, give me a break.”

I don’t understand why they have to make things so freakin’ complicated all the time. Back and forth they go, trying to one up each other. It’s never ending. My mother even tried to pull me into their drama by asking, "What are you looking at? You have something to say?" I just said, "No, I think you guys pretty much have it covered."

This non-bitter, non-aggressive, approach that I have really bothers them, but I don’t see any reason to get into it with those two, especially in a room with sharp objects at hand. So, I just watched them thinking about how it would make for great TV, and wondered who’d stab who first the closer they got to the knife block.

JB

My Mother Is An EV!!

I’d like to preface this by saying that I love my mother. I really, really do, but the woman is an EV to the max. Only, she doesn't just complain, she asks you to do things & then proceeds to nag you until those things are done. As I said in last Friday's post, she has zero patience, and from the moment I walked into work today, she was on me like a fly on sh*t. I swear, even a fly gives up after a while, but not this woman. If only I had this 19th century vampire killing kit. God knows I could use one...

Mother: JB, I want you to take me to the bank.

Me: Ma, we are in the middle of lunch service.

Mother: It’s OK, your sister is here.

Me: But what if she gets salad orders? She can’t watch the stove & make salads at the same time.

Mother: I don’t care. I need to go to the bank.

Me: Please, let’s just wait until lunch is over. We can go at 2pm.

Clearly, that was not the response she was looking for because she gave me this look of pure evil. I think I saw blood forming in the corners of her eyes. I think in that moment of silence, she was summoning her evil army of minions to attack me from behind.

Mother: No!

Me: OK, OK.

I’ll do whatever you want, just take you fangs out of my neck, I thought to myself. (As if I would say that directly to her. I do value my life, you know.)

So, off we went to the bank. Actually, make that the banks because she had to go to all off them. Why, I have no clue. I’m on a need-to-know basis when it comes to her, so I didn't bother to ask.

After all the banking, it was back to work, and I went straight to my office to make a few calls. I was on the phone for about a minute, when I suddenly heard my mother coming (she was yelling) in my direction. I asked the person I was speaking with to hold the line for a moment.

Mother: You finish with the phone yet? I need it.

Me: What do you mean? I asked you in the car if you were going to need the phone when we got back here and you said no.

She didn't even answer. Instead, she proceeded to busy herself by going through some papers on my desk.

Me: Ma, are you looking for that invoice that you were telling me about? I will find it for you as soon as I’m done.

Mother: I want it now & I need the phone.

OH---MY---GOD!!! I was about to pop a blood vessel in my head. She literally stood there while I told the person on the line that I would have to call them back.

Mother: Finally. I use the phone now.

No sh*t, you EV, you sucker of my last drop of blood, I thought to myself, and it’s not even Friday. ~ sigh ~

Mother: Oh, and don’t forget to make the changes for the bills on the internet for me. I ask you for that since Monday.

Me: Excuse me, ma, but today’s only Tuesday. I’m going to do it, OK? Didn't I do all that other stuff for you?

Mother: You’re supposed to do it for me, I’m your mother.

Me: Right. Well, I hope you don’t need anymore blood from me today because I’m tapped out.

Uh oh, there was that look of pure evil again. Time to shut up before it’s too late, I thought to myself, and quickly found her the invoice she wanted. She took it and was gone, but not for long.

Mother: You did what I asked you?

Somebody save me!

JB